[clarinetman2000]

I will start with a brief introduction. I am a 48-year-old male and never in a relationship. The reason is that I am sexually attracted to other men, and it conflicts with my religious beliefs. I definitely don't have a gift of singleness, contrary to what many in my church believe. I crave affection from men, and that too is absent from my life. My same-sex attraction is a secret (at least I think so) from everyone in my life. I tend to suffer from extreme loneliness, mild depression. I just feel very detached most of the time.

I've had a best friend for about 20 years. He is married with four adult kids. He has always made a lot of time for me even with his very busy family life. He is not an affectionate person, but definitely shows that he loves me in many other ways. The lack of physical affection has not been an issue for me until recently because I guess it was something that I had not seem him show with anyone. He has recently starting hugging a few women in the church, and I have noticed that I experience insecurity and jealousy. I actually had a several long conversations with him about that, and he won't initiate a hug with others with me around. He has mentioned that he is not comfortable hugging men and that when he hugs them it is just a greeting. I've refrained from asking him for a hug since he said he is not comfortable hugging men. Also I a terrified of rejection, so I don't think I could deal with him saying no. He has hugged me once after our initial conversation about my insecurities when he could tell I was very depressed.

I can understand intellectually that he cares a lot for me. Everyone who knows us refer to us as best friends. He asked me in one of our conversations if there are other things besides the physical affection which make me question if he loves me, and I told him I already thought about that ... that the answer was no. Still emotionally it does not seem to register with me. When I see (or even think about) him hugging others I feel that he is closer to them and cares for them more than me.

I seem to obsess over this so much that it affects my sleep at times and my concentration at work. I've noticed that I tend to pine for him recently when we are apart (which is not often since I see him at least 5 days a week) especially during times when I am insecure.

By the way, these are recent emotions. Until I observed him being affectionate with others, I was never jealous or insecure. I had no issues with separation from him because I felt like I was first in his life outside his family. I understand intellectually that that has not changed, but emotionally I guess I don't. Actually he has been far more attentive than ever since I told him of my insecurities.

I've always struggled with depression. I've noticed recently that even with all the time I spend with him, I am often extremely lonely now when he is not around. I tend to just sleep to cope. I do have other hobbies, but don't have an interest in them anymore because they are things I do alone. I've never had many friends, but tend to only have a few close friends. All but a few have moved away. The two others who are local are now busy with married lives.

I've never been sexually attracted to him, but have questioned that with these recent emotions. For example, one of the younger women in church hugged me yesterday, and emotionally it was not nearly as satisfying as when my best friend did it. Actually there was no comparison at all.

I would like to return to the times when the physical affection, insecurity, and jealousy was not an issue, but I don't know how. I would appreciate any advice.

[shezbut]

Hello clarinetman,

Welcome to PC.

I really can't think of any words of wisdom to help you through your shame and depression. Have you ever tried seeing a therapist, so you can talk out these issues with a helpful professional?

I do know that holding dark emotions inside yourself isn't good for you at all. Were you seeing another man before your friend began hugging female congregates at church? Perhaps you've transferred feelings that you held towards another man to him?? I don't know. Just a possibility that came across my mind.

There is a social group on this site for gay & lesbians, and those who love them. Perhaps that group may have some real helpful ideas to get you into a more clear state of mind. Very best wishes to you!

[clarinetman2000]

Thanks for the response. The last time I had an affectionate relationship with a man would have been at least 15 years ago. I know that the desire for physical affection with with my best friend has been then there for many years, but it was something I could deal with until I started to see him hugging others. I guess as long as he was not doing it with others, it still meant that I was special. I know it may sound immature, but I can't help but think he loves them, but that I am just someone to hang out with when I see this.

I actually did seek out a group of Christians who have same sex attractions who seek not to act on them. Interestingly most of the guys in the group are married and have always had or recently acknowledged sexual attractions for the same sex. That is a safe environment to talk about things I am dealing with that I can't talk about with others. There is supposedly healing in talking about your issues and also less loneliness as a result. We meet one night a week, but there strict rules concerning no contact at all outside the group since they don't want people to get involved with each other in an inappropriate way. Also ... no touching other than a handshake for the same reason.

Sometimes I just feel deprived on human touch, and it drives me nuts. At times, with this best friend, I will sit next to him close enough just so I can feel the warmth of his body. Or, if we are in a car, I will make sure our arms touch on the arm rest. It's not the same as a hug, but it helps. At least he does no pull away in those situations.

[RomanSunburn]

Hello and welcome to PC!

I'm sorry, but I also don't have any advice to offer for your situation. I'm glad to hear that you are in a support group. I think that will help you feel less alone (but maybe not help with the loneliness as much...). Making new friends is always difficult. I'm sorry your insecurities are becoming uncontrollable. The only thing I can suggest is writing out your negative thoughts, realizing that they are irrational (as you know they are) and then write positive statements to counteract the negative ones. An example might be... "My friend cares more about others than me" would be turned into "I know that is not true. I am very special to him. We are very good friends." I know it sounds a little silly, but if you keep repeating the positives to yourself, it might help you stop thinking about the negatives so much.

Good luck! I'm glad you found us here!

[clarinetman2000]

Thanks for the advice. For me, especially, it is difficult to form close friendships. I even recall when I was vey young, and aunt telling me of her observations that I am very selective with my choice of friends whereas one of my brothers is best friends with everyone. Another problem right now is that I am unwilling to give up time with my best friend to pursue other friendships that may or may not grow to something deeper. It's OK if I pursue others during times I would not spend with him. The other issue is where I am in life right now. It is, of course, much easier in college, for example to form many freindships.

I've actually taken your advice recently. I guess I failed to memtioned that this has been an issue for me for a few months now. Actually there was only the one negative thought - that I feel he does not care for me as much as others when I see him hugging them. The actual cases where he has demonstrated that he cares a lot became too long to list.

I know that writing it out has helped somewhat in additon to talking to him, since initially I even missed work a few days because I just wanted to sleep all the time. At least I can fuction somewhat daily now. However it is obvioulsy an issue since I have sought out this website.

I've been open with him in regards to everything but the general same sex attraction issue (though he must have some suspicion since he's known me to only go on two dates as a result of peer pressure in 20 years). I mentioned the same sex attraction on this forum because that has a lot to do with the severe loneliness that I suffer with.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by clarinetman2000

I mentioned the same sex attraction on this forum because that has a lot to do with the severe loneliness that I suffer with.

The set of solutions to this problem will remain empty until you remove at least some of the constraints.

[clarinetman2000]

I appreciate the response, but am a little confused. Can you elaborate to help the understand? Thanks.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by clarinetman2000

I appreciate the response, but am a little confused. Can you elaborate to help the understand? Thanks.

Until you remove the constraint of being part of a religion that does not accept you for who you are, your problem cannot be solved. Your attempts to solve it will remain futile. You need to change your denomination to something more progressive and less rigid and dogmatic. If you live in America, you should have a broad range of options.

[clarinetman2000]

I have certainly thought the same things at times that you communicated in your note, and even gave it much thought. However my convictions are very strong and changing religions is not an option.

Though I have been suffering with extreme loneliness, detachment, and even depression (to some extent) over the past three months, that has not always been the case. I've gone years without these strong emotions, though they do creep up now and then. I would say that this is the longest period of time. Perhaps a large part of my issues now with the loneliness is with a shrinking support network. I think I mentioned that many of my close friends have moved on to other areas or to other stages in life where they are not as available anymore.

[hamster-bamster]

OK, understood.

[Bill3]

However my convictions are very strong and changing religions is not an option.

In that case, you might find this book of interest:

http://www.amazon.com/Washed-Waiting...ed+and+waiting

[clarinetman2000]

Thanks!!! I read the book description and some of the reviews, and this book definitely seems like it was written for me. Even the detail of the author never having sexual attraction to women is definitely the same for me. That specifically has always part of the feelings of hopelessness when I try to look into the future at my options.

There have been a few new developments since I initially wrote to this board. I talked to my friend again about my need/desire for affection. He has given me these "chest bumps" since then without me asking for it. I write that almost with humor because that type of affection is completely foreign to me and has caught me off guard several times. I'm OK since that is what he is comfortable with.

In another conversation today, he asked what it would take to make me happy. He said he knew that I was very lonely, but every time he would mention marriage as an option, that I would without hesitation say that that's not going to happen. He asked if having a close friend to share life with would make me happy. I responded that if I had him (or an equivalent person to him) available to me all the time I would be very happy. His response was hmm. A mutual friend walked up, so the conversation ended. I thought later ... "idiot, you don't have to say everything that comes in your head" when I was replaying the conversation. But I'm sure he knew that was how I felt anyway. We instant-messaged some later in the day, but about other things.

A few nights ago, I was hope alone again and quickly getting very depressed. It was weird because I had spent several hours with this same friend earlier in the day. I called him and chatted little, but was too embarrassed to tell him I wanted physical company, not just a phone conversation, even though we had just spent time together. (Actually I even would have been fine if he were in the same room as me but doing something else, as long as he was there.) About a half an hour after the phone conversation, as I was going stir-crazy, my pastor called just to chat. When he asked how I was doing, I started crying uncontrollably because I was just so sad. He asked several different ways what was wrong, but I told him I did not want to talk about it. I could tell though in the tone of his voice that he was concerned and cared. As a result, I think I will tell him about the battles with extreme loneliness. I don't know if I'd ever be ready to discuss what is behind the loneliness.

I am sorry to hear you struggling it is heartbreaking. I hope you find peace with God and your sexuality, I have many friends who have struggled with this very thing.

[clarinetman2000]

I appreciate the encouragement. Actually the past three days have been great. I know that does not sound like a long time, but it is for me. It has been a long time since I have been contented for that length of time.

I believe that I am over the jealousy and insecurity issues with my best friend. I can tell that he is trying really hard to interact with me in ways that I have communicated that I need. I've already mentioned the affection. Additionally he has made even more time for me and calls to check up on me. He has shared a lot more about himself too, which is awesome. We've talked some about the very deep attachment that I have for him, and thankfully he has embraced it instead of pulling away.

His first grandchild was born last week. He took me to the hospital the day after she was born to see her. He wanted me to hold her, but I was not comfortable. Yesterday, I went to his son's house with him and his wife. He brought the baby over to me, and said I really want you to hold her too. I did hold her, and was happy that he wanted me to be a part of this very special time in his life.

I think that by actually accepting these displays of love, I don't feel so detached. So when I have physically alone the past few nights and this morning, I have not panicked or even been anxious. I really feel that he loves me (as opposed to just knowing it intellectually). I guess even having one person whose love I can accept deeply, helps a lot. The sad part is that I know that he has felt that way all along, but I could not acknowledge it emotionally.

I have no idea how this relates to my issues with sexuality. The big thing I have always craved is for a man to love me, to feel the security of his arms around me. My sexual attraction is for men, but if I had the choice of having sex with someone or just spending time with my best friend, I would not hesitate a moment to choose spending time with the best friend.

[clarinetman2000]

... a somewhat brief update. I am still spending much more time with my best friend. His wife also encourages it, which is good. For example, I went to their lake house with them over the weekend. We were driving home, and she commented that it was a good day for her husband and me to play tennis.

I called him when I was a little upset one day last week. He was in his car when I called. My doorbell rang as we were talking, and it was he. He gave me a nice hug. That happens very rarely ... the hugging, not me being upset. haha That is just one of many examples of him demonstrating that he cares for me.

I've been very happy recently, and certainly not lonely. I've even been handling time by myself quite well.

I've had one thing to happen a few time that is confusing. Maybe three or four times when talking to him on the phone, I gotten a partial erection. During those times, my mind is very far away from anything sexual. I don't even have thoughts of him in that way. Each time it happens, he is saying something that shows he cares like "you can call me anytime ... don't worry if it is late." The arousal has not happened other times with him. I'm really hoping that this does not mean that I am sexually attracted to him. Are there other explanations?