here we go again

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I come here and dump, people say get away from this man and still here I am asking for help. Not listening. That is just what it feels like. I don't know the answer. Maybe it is to leave , maybe not. I wish I jsut knew.

We have been in T working on things. Things were and are improving. But God things have so much fruther to go. On the plus side my H no longer calls me names, he no longer intimidates me, he doesn't force me to speak to him in order for him to move out of my way, but he is still so damn annoying.

It is small petty things I know, but I don't know if it is the kind of little sh** I can live w/ forever.
1. he twists my words around. Ex. we were talking about bills and he wants to cut off the internet. This is my only out let to the world. I told him no cut somewhere else. He knows the internet is something me and the kids use and he cares nothing about. He suggested I tell him where since "I knew everything", well he asked, so I suggested cut new mulch and fertlizer for the grass. You know if the gras dies it is less to mow, and you can mow over weeds and save lots on fertlizer. Mulch well just fluff it up and roll it over, not a priority. He got furious and said how about we get read of your horse. We spend 100 on hey each year and 50 on feed. thats what I spend on mulch and fertlizer. I told him no. You don't pay that I'm unemployeed and find a way to get that need met.

His goal is to have things his way, and if it can't be his way then to hurt you and make you feel like sh**. Shut you up or have you give in. Have 40.00 a mo internet w/ 2 teenagers and me, or get read of mine and my daughters pony. Ouch. that was designed to intimidate and hurt.

2. I saw some horses, I've always owned a horse, they were my life before I met my H. I used to love showing. I told my H I'd love to have one of those one day. A certin breed of horse. He said not as long as your married to me. WHAT????? Then he got pissed, and said you will never own another horse. I told him the likely hood of me having another horse was as likely as him having a 65 ford pick up. It ain't gonna happen for a long long time, but we can all dream. His answer was, One day I'll have one though. It was implied, I will not have a horse again.

3. He is just so black an white it drives me crazy. He is always badgering one of our children. The one most like me. I can understand how my son feels because I feel the same way in the eyes of his dad.

4. I feel like an expense not his his wife. Lets cut the Dr bill fund in half. So make it so that only 1200 a year is set aside for my H and my medical and dental. What kind of dream world is he living in. two dental visits w/ x rays is almost 400. God forbid any one need dental work done. We have T every week sometimes, or every 2 weeks at 50.00 a pop. His answer is well I guess we'll jsut have to stop going for a while. No that is the answer so you can no longer be held accountable.

I don't know. Some times I could care less. I think I'd be better off w/ out him. But I am so stupid. I care. I care about the man, but not enough to be subject to this forever. I can't continue to piss away years, and subject my children to this. He has improved so much. The other issues is you don't reward trying hard an improvement w/ divorce. That is just not right. I am just so torn, I feel so help less, so stupid, I don't know why it is so hard. If leaving were the right thing to do I think the decision would be so much more clear. It would no be so full of question. It should be a no brainer. That is not the case I really feel torn.

Strenghth to you, Big Mama. This might not be very comforting right now, but I believe you'll make the changes you need to make when you're ready. In the meantime, the forums are for support. I for one don't mind reading a vent thread if it helps you stay sane while you're doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.

Thank you spondiferous. I Just need to be heard sometimes.

I don't call what he is doing, trying. I call it going back to his old ways. Cutting internet, your horse, and your t? Idk. Maybe he wants you to get a job?

You know, I really don't see how it would be the right thing to divorce him, given the fact that you have children still dependent on you both. Divorce would simply be awful for them. So I guess you have to come to terms with how you will stay with him and find some happiness and peace with him. I think it can be done, but you will have to change your attitude and can always make a bad decision good. I know it is easy for me to type this and advise this and quit difficult to do it. I guess try to look to the future of your children, draw from the love you have for them and hang in there until they are raised. I know it is what I had to do and I am really glad I stuck it out for my children's sakes. Hugs!! One day at a time.

Hi Big Mama,
I'm not sure how useful this would be, but wanted to share my thoughts.

Firstly, children are remarkably adaptable and understanding. When their parents are upset or angry or scared, they can see it. I'm sure your kids would rather see you happy than frustrated as you are at the moment. If you take the decision to divorce, I'm also pretty sure that your two older kids will understand the reasons. I'm not saying it will be easy on them, but they will understand.

I guess you have a judgement to make of what would be best for yourself and your kids. Will the kids be more damaged by you staying and them having to live in an environment with arguments and an unhappy Mum, or will they be more damaged by a split?

It is very, very unfair of your H to threaten your internet and your pony whilst making sure all his hobbies and interests are well catered for. Your children will need the internet for school, so by cutting that, he'd be damaging their education. The pony is also remarkably educational and therapeutic for the children, especially when the parents are having a tough time. I'm sure you're not the only one who talks to the pony

On the other hand, household finances are extremely stressful when money is tight. Everybody who lives on a budget has the same arguments. I suspect your H's bad attitude may be caused by the stress of those finances. Of course that doesn't make it easier, but hopefully, it's a blip rather than something that's going to go on.

My thoughts are with you.

As for coming here to dump and rant. Don't worry about it! Sometimes we need to do these things to get it out of our system and maybe put some perspective on things. That's what these boards are for - mutual support.

I hope things get better soon

Sorry things are so rough for you mama. It sounds like he is fighting for control and stepping on your self worth to get it. I hope you can find a way to work things out. Remember to take care of yourself and your kids first. In my opinion they are more important than your spouse. I wish I had advice on how to fix marriages, but I am in the process of trying to put mineback together. I hope things work out for you.

Divorce would be awful for the teens but having no internet would be OK?

Meaning, internet access is not a high priority requirement of a modern teen?

BigMama, I think your problem is due to your comparing his current status with his prior status. You should be comparing his current status with some reasonable expectations.

To make an analogy... I would not want to live with an alcoholic, period, so if somebody tells me that he drinks a lot but less than before, I would congratulate him on his progress but stay away.

hamster, are you saying an alcoholic is still an alcoholic only less severe, still trouble.

or praise efforts and be glad he has improved.

In my case, once a terrible *** now an *** just not as bad so still stay away or

he's an *** but not as bad as he once was and praise that change.


Sorry. Blondness has gotten the best of me this evening.

No blondness, you got it right.

Praise but stay away.

Praise is optional but since you have been very nice and accommodating throughout, you would praise, I assume.

Look, if I understand the situation correctly, you are a stay at home mom and you will live with the children after the divorce and he will live by himself and the children will spend some of their time with him.

Then, after the divorce the children will get a lot of good stuff.

You, much less distraught and calmer overall
Internet access
Pony

The children will lose the grass.

And they will have him part time and if he does not have internet access in his household, then too bad.

If you do not divorce, then they will get the grass but lose the rest of good stuff.

I personally have never cared less about the grass anyway...

agreed, kill the stupid grass. If it lives you only have to mow it. If you kill it mowing over, problem solved. The kids have kindles that use the internet. And the internet is my only source to the outside world.

Hum. When you look at it as you point out above, it does appear a no brainer. I have T tomorrow.

((((Mama)))) checking in to see how you are doing

Flippin crazy here Rose. I have no idea what I'm doing here somedays, other days I see how good I really do have things. I just don't know at the moment.

Yep I think that covers it.

I wish I could learn how to use emoticons. Where do you go to get a list of them?

hamster after you post you click on "Go Advanced" instead of "Post quick reply"
then all these options come up, and you find the box to the right w/ the smilies and it says more, click on that, then a new box comes up for you to look threw. just click on which one you want.

not let me try and make sure that is correct.

I got it wight, that is how you do it.
when your are all finished click on "submit Reply" at the bottom.

((((Mama)))) thinking of you.

It takes time to feel out the situation and learn what is important in order to decide. You are going to T and learning and feeling. Eventually things should become clearer.