About to Lose Him

My boyfriend and I have a complicated past, but have worked through most of it. There is one problem, his family hates me. They think that I am a witch (think Halloween and Satan and all of that). His mom just died recently, and I have had to cede a lot of time to his family.

Every time things change on the account of his family - for whatever reason - all I hear is that I am not worth his time. That is not what he is saying - he has never been anything but supportive. I just can't help going off on my own insecurities. I am trying to talk about it here so that I do not go off on him.

He loves me, and he's trying, but I am having a hard time getting a grip. I'm working on getting on assistance in getting a therapist, but until then, this is all I got that is not woefully destructive.

No therapist will change their irrational beliefs. Therapists lack such powerful capabilities.

What do you mean by saying that you are having a hard time getting a grip. A grip on what?

No, he is not "anything but supportive" because if he were "anything but supportive", you would not be hearing anything about your witchcraft or your not being worth his time, even he denounces such statements. He would be filtering these things out.

You do not have any unusual insecurities to "go off on". Anybody who is being called a witch (unless they are able to apply extreme sense of humor to everything that ever touches them) would not be happy about it. This is a normal reaction and not an "insecurity".

I do not see how a therapist would be helpful to you individually, but joint couples therapy or individual therapy for him might be useful.

Hey, never let anyone tell you or make you believe you're not worthy! I get the feeling, my boyfriend's family doesn't like me at all. Anyone of them (hmm, maybe except the dog but I can't be that sure). And it's driving me crazy, I've never been anything but nice to them. My boyfriend loves me and he supports me in front of them and when we're alone, so the problem is not in your relationship and you should feel good about that. Just try to be nice to them. I don't know about your bf's parents, but my bf's folks are very good at pretending to like me. If yours are like that too, then just pretend to like them until you don't have to see them no more. If they talk bad to you, just try not to say anything because this will only make it worse. I'm not sure if I helped, but send me back so I know how it's going!

Did not see the title.

So if the situation is so severe that you are afraid that you are about to lose him, and you believe in therapy, then you must get into couples therapy ASAP. If the situation is urgent, as per the title, you should apply crisis-mode measures. Individual therapy for you is probably not the most straightforward way to address the problem, even if, theoretically, it might be effective eventually (??), so it does not qualify as crisis mode intervention.

What is he saying? Do you talk about this at all?

He literally could just be telling me that he's running late, or that he has to cancel because his mom was rushed to the hospital. Or he could be telling me that he just feels like sleeping tonight because he's grieving and he's tired. All of these things are factors I not only do not control, but literally nothing to do with. Its not what he is saying, it is the way I interpret the action. I have a horribly abusive inner voice. This doesn't just happen with him...if one of you starts sounding overly stern with me via thread replies - I will start having anxiety attacks over all the reasons why I deserve to be hated and disliked, and how you are just smart enough to catch on to what a horrible human being I am so soon...etc. etc.

Again, this has nothing to do with him. This is entirely in my head. It happens with almost everyone, although the effect on Romantic relationships is considerably more profound.

And to the first that replied. Not interested in changing their beliefs. I honestly have gotten to a point where I would not cross the street to spit on them, so that is good. And my bf did not tell me about the accusations, they are quite content to tell me to my face.

Anyway, he has been as patient as one can be with someone who incessantly questions their every motive. It's exhausting being constantly accused, and it's especially so when you are innocent.

Am I making sense? Sometimes I ramble when I try to explain myself.

That post was exceedingly helpful in clarifying your situation. Yes, you will most likely benefit from individual therapy to deal with what is in your head. See the bold part above. So yes, your getting assistance for getting into therapy should help. It would hopefully help you broadly, in all your romantic relationships rather than just in this one.

Then there is the practical problem of the relatives' accusing you in your face. NOBODY should be subjected to such accusations, even hardy people, but you, with your high levels of anxiety and your ever-present constant inner critic, should DEFINITELY not be subjected to such accusations. Can the contact be stopped for now?

Yes you made things clear there, thanks I think it would be helpful to discuss this with him if you haven't already. He needs to know about your underlying insecurity and esteem doubts and how this thing with his family is affecting you. I think any resolution is going to have to involve a lot of cooperation from him. I wish you well.

Yes, therapy I think would help you and so glad that you're looking into it. It's awful to feel the way you do, and to be honest, I think we all have those feeling sometimes, I know I do - it's horrible for sure. But I think you'd really benefit with getting help with keeping them under control, as its also horrible for someone else to have you read more into stuff that was ever there. I wish you lots of luck with that, and sending a hug.. It's going to be very tough with him losing him parent, and am afraid that you'll probably have to take a back seat for a while and just support him from the sidelines. This is natural by the way, he'll have so much to go through, emotionally and with all the practical stuff of being with his family at this time. When my fella lost his mum last year, he stayed with his dad for a month, even tho we're only 30 mins away. All I could do was just be there for him, if and when he wanted it - him and his pop had to go through it together.

As for the family. Why are they like that with you? Have they ever told you? It seems very strange that it all comes out of thin air. Was there a misunderstanding along the line, that gave them the wrong end of the stick with you? I was wondering if you could get the chance to clear the air.
Does your boyfriend stick up for you with his family? I hope so.

Oh, they have their reasons. They are Indian and Pentacostal. The dad is a preacher. There are at least four other Pentecostal preachers in his family. They are not overly crazy about white people. They are really not crazy about their only son being with a white girl who is older, has kids, and is not Christian.

They don't know anything about me, they are xenophobes. Every problem he has ever had is my fault, apparently. Most of the time I don't have to deal with them, but his mom died over a period of eight months, and now the grieving is just beginning. It's been difficult to avoid them and support him at the same time.

I, too, hope that he would stick up!

I do not think though that you can resolve misunderstandings here. "Witchcraft" accusations cross the line between rational and irrational, and once that line is crossed, there is a point of no return. I actually think that attempts to use common sense/resolve disagreements/remove misunderstandings (they all require rational thinking on both sides) would only be frustrating and futile and aggravating for Rorisan.

At least that if she is alone in such attempts.

If she has very strong and unwavering support of the boyfriend in such attempts, then maybe.

And, sorry to be a thread spammer, I'll slow down and read the whole post next time. He does stick up for me. Until his mother started dying, he was barely on speaking terms with them over it. He does what he can, short of outright cutting them off. It's a cultural thing. You just don't do that in India.

I know that this, too, shall pass. And then he and I can set about ignoring them like they were. It's just today, it felt like too much. Thank you for supporting me. It's way better that I go off here than on him at this point. His mom just died a couple weeks ago.

Ahhh.... How I love people that abuse religion. I am finding it very difficult to not be rude right now.
Am so so sorry that you've got all this on your plate. I guess that, as Hamster said, rational thinking has little chance. I hope he keeps being strong, and doesn't get worn down by his family and forced to choose. And with all that on your plate, I think the way you are with how you interpret some stuff to do with him is entirely understandable. Please be kind to yourself huh?

Rorisan, I agree, I think you are doing very very well under the circumstances and should be kind to yourself.

I see. Well, then it does seem to be the case that from their point of view, you qualify as a witch on multiple grounds.

Lmao, does that mean we are both coming from a rational view? Cuz then there is hope! Sadly, his mom was the only one other than him that was not a horribly deplorable human being. /sigh

fml.

I'll survive, I know I will. I've been through much, much worse than a bunch of closed minded bigots. Sometimes it gets hard to see the forest when you are hitting your head on all the trees though.