Mother issues

Hi
I am new here but am driving myself and hubby mad with my emotions and really need to put a stop to this once and for all, if nobody can help me maybe just seeing written down will make it clearer for me.
I seem to still be unconsciously seeking approval from my mother (I'm 33) she is now retired and very clingy which I hate! She worries about me ( I had some past issues) which I hate! She is very stuck up English which irritates me. Every time I see her she comments on my weight ( I believe she has a weight issue) and I feel insecure, she has always been obsessed with weight (my sister was very ill because of it). Basically I dread seeing her, but when I do it's never that bad. I don't tell her anything because I don't want her opinion about it, it will automatically change how I myself feel about whatever it is. I just want to be free and have a " **** off" attitude to what she thinks and be myself. I am happiest when one of us is out of the country. I feel like I have to restrain myself and be who she wants me to be, but really I'm not.
Having said all that I love her and can see she is a sweet and kind lady who just wants to be close to me. I can't do it, I'm antisocial and intolerant. I think I see myself in her ( the bits I hate) which makes me fearful and angry. I'm sure the problem lies with me and not my poor mother- she would be heartbroken if she read this. How do I deal with it? How do I break emotional ties and just live my life. I don't know why it matters so much but I have to do something about it.
She rang today and my mood has been dropped ever since, hence writing this.
What's going on? And what can I do?

Hi, Green rain! Your mother sounds somewhat like mine. However, mine is even worse, given she's mentally ill. I've had to spend a lot of time in counseling to try to work through my issues with her, and on some level, I still want her approval, even though I know it's not going to happen!!

You might find counseling even more helpful. Plus there are plenty of books about mother-child relationships that I think you can locate fairly easily. I've heard that the mother-daughter relationship is the most problematic of all, and I believe it.

I assume your mother truly loves you and means well. Maybe you can hang onto that.

Hi dear Green Rain ~ I have to agree with Payne. I think that therapy would be the best answer here. There is a reason that you can't "break" these apron strings. It undoubtedly goes back somewhere in your childhood, but it's imperative you find out, and where.

Therapy would help you identify why you have these issues and assist you in getting rid of them without hurting your mother. If she IS clingy, you will have to learn how to ease away from her without totally devastating her. That can be done, with help. Get in touch with your medical doctor as he will know the right therapist for you. I hope you'll make the call soon -- the sooner you can get into therapy, the better.

I wish you the very best! God bless and please keep visiting us! It helps to vent here, too! Hugs, Lee

My therapist taught me the difference between "love" and "like" and that make a huge difference to me in how I treated my stepmother. My therapist asked me who I like and I answered "my husband" and then she asked me to name 3 things I like about him and I instantly said, "He's warm, fun, and friendly" and then she had me apply those criteria to my stepmother

We like our friends and choose them and want to hang with them. We do not necessarily choose those we love, our family and such. Realize you love your mother but she's not a friend, she's not someone you want to hang out with, be like, have like you, etc. When you are around your mother, treat her with love, because you want to learn to be a loving daughter :-) but don't feel the compunction to have her treat you any particular way or be like/unlike her. We have our parents' genetics, aptitudes, some likes/dislikes, etc. My mother died when I was 3 and I don't remember her but I saw a 8 mm movie taken of her in around 1939, long before I was born and before she and my father married, and it was just a few seconds of my father trying to take the movie of her and of her trying to "hide" and I instantly felt exactly what she felt! It was a wonderful moment for me, as I could tell I was my mother's daughter, her actions/mannerisms were exactly what I would have done if it had been me back then.

But, so what? So you sound like your mother; she did raise you, you did live under her almost exclusive influence for lots of years. If you don't like some way you do something (I was taught to feed the man in my life (father, husband, brother) the "bigger" piece of meat -- I catch myself doing it still today and it's a hard habit/mindset to break :-) you can change it, it's just a habit and we can have whatever habits we care to have/make/break. You probably know what your mother likes now, give her some of those things (one of my favorite memories is when my stepmother was already growing quite senile, I had to take her to the doctors' one morning, early, and I brought warm, homemade muffins and small cartons of milk and we had a snack in the car before we set out, it was a very personal, touching moment for both of us) and just ignore the comments on your weight or joke back, "fondly" to reassure her but let her know you don't really appreciate the comments, "Yeah, yeah, Mom, you've said it a million times before, but I keep telling you I'm not Sister Susie" Sigh. :-)

I would kind of make a schedule if you can; when she's home/around, decide to see her X day(s) a week or call her X times a week, etc. and then stick to that and get her off the phone otherwise, "Sorry, really busy right now, I'll call you Sunday!" and hang up. Take control of your own life and just fit her in and you'll probably resent her less than if you let her try to insert herself into your life willy nilly.

Hello
Thankyou everyone, especially Perna - I loved reading your reply, I want more of it! your therapist must be brill, shame Im not in USA. i will definitely try to make use of the suggestions. I have also had it pointed out that I am self centred! ( Im on a 12 step program, for 6 yrs )Ha ha shock horror, but yes I see its true and the horrible knot of emotion in my gut has eased a bit so I have a lot of work to do. Life is great but I spoil everything with my crazy head, such a shame....but here I go again SELF PITY!!
Really appreciate your replies thanks xxx