[Jenn1fer82]

Jay and I have have been friends for almost ten years now, I'm 30 years old. We've gone through so many ups and downs with the issues of us deciding if we should ever be more then just best friends. He's been in love with me for so many years and I was always resistant to the idea but finally last year I gave our relationship a chance but I quickly changed my mind. It was that one moment that I decided to be with him that I've lost a great friend. I miss my best friend, I miss him dearly. There's always been an unspoken intimacy between Jay and I even before I gave our relationship a chance and now I've lost my best friend and the closeness we once had. He's put up his walls because his heart is broken that I couldn't follow through with our relationship and I hurt his feelings. He keeps telling me that it was a mistake for loving me and that he was foolish. I wish we could go back to how we use to be before him and I was intimate. He won't allow us to go back to how we use to be. There's no way I could convince him otherwise. I suppose its exbf and exgf trying to stay friends.
I'm having the hardest time, not going to him to be there for me like how he use to be. He said he doesn't mind staying in my life but things are so different now. Moving on without him, a friend that meant so much to me is so difficult. Im having a hard time learning the new boundaries between us and to not depend on him so much for the support he once gave me as my bestfriend and for the little moment we had as we dated. I miss him so much, he's in my life but his no longer emotionally there as my bestfriend or bf.

[Inedible]

Originally Posted by Jenn1fer82

He's been in love with me for so many years and I was always resistant to the idea but finally last year I gave our relationship a chance but I quickly changed my mind. It was that one moment that I decided to be with him that I've lost a great friend.

He was probably left feeling hurt, confused, and rejected. I don't think he understands why you changed your mind. He probably thinks it is something wrong with him. Some reason why you tossed him aside. And I hope you didn't say "let's just be friends" ...

Hey, don't beat yourself up too much, am sure there are many of us that make a mistake with our love lives. I know I have, more than once.

I think give him time. He's got some wounds to lick and I think it will take him a while. And if your relationship has changed, it doesn't have to mean its for the worst. Perhaps you may, given some time, still be good friends. It may even be better later on, as he will let you go as a romantic interest as being in love with you for so long must've been hard for him.
Is there anything you can do for him to show him how much you value him? I know you are the source of the problem in a way, (but you also should remember that you are right to stop the relationship if it just didn't feel right) but I wonder if there is something nice that you can do for him as a gesture of how much you value your friendship. If he really doesn't want to know then there will be little you can do am afraid, but perhaps its worth a shot.

Best of luck and hugs.

[OR82]

Originally Posted by Jenn1fer82

Jay and I have have been friends for almost ten years now, I'm 30 years old. We've gone through so many ups and downs with the issues of us deciding if we should ever be more then just best friends. He's been in love with me for so many years and I was always resistant to the idea but finally last year I gave our relationship a chance but I quickly changed my mind. It was that one moment that I decided to be with him that I've lost a great friend. I miss my best friend, I miss him dearly. There's always been an unspoken intimacy between Jay and I even before I gave our relationship a chance and now I've lost my best friend and the closeness we once had. He's put up his walls because his heart is broken that I couldn't follow through with our relationship and I hurt his feelings. He keeps telling me that it was a mistake for loving me and that he was foolish. I wish we could go back to how we use to be before him and I was intimate. He won't allow us to go back to how we use to be. There's no way I could convince him otherwise. I suppose its exbf and exgf trying to stay friends.
I'm having the hardest time, not going to him to be there for me like how he use to be. He said he doesn't mind staying in my life but things are so different now. Moving on without him, a friend that meant so much to me is so difficult. Im having a hard time learning the new boundaries between us and to not depend on him so much for the support he once gave me as my bestfriend and for the little moment we had as we dated. I miss him so much, he's in my life but his no longer emotionally there as my bestfriend or bf.

I really do not want to be rude here but really, why exactly do you think that someone that was in love with you, who you now have rejected, would want to revert to the same old role when everything he wanted in his heart came to be, albeit for a moment? You have to understand that in his mind you have completely ripped his heart out. Maybe this is a little too close to home for me to respond to but at least I can tell you how he feels. He also feels, I believe, that you used him emotionally and that is all you want from him. When you love someone in a situation like this it hurts more than you can really bear sometimes. I mean if you had dated other people during your friendship while he stood by you through it all, that had to have taken its toll on him to begin with, but to have been accepted and then rejected has broken the camels back so to speak. Again I do not wish to seem harsh I really do not but as I am in a similar situation (his side of it) I know the feeling.

[OR82]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

Is there anything you can do for him to show him how much you value him? I know you are the source of the problem in a way, (but you also should remember that you are right to stop the relationship if it just didn't feel right) but I wonder if there is something nice that you can do for him as a gesture of how much you value your friendship. .

From experience this is a really bad idea. It may very well end up making it worse. He will probably feel as if you are patronizing him. Its like telling a depressed person to cheer up because others have it worse. That may be true but why would a depressed person feel better due to someone else feeling worse than they do when they have an idea of how that person feels and would not wish it on anyone?

[OR82]

Originally Posted by Inedible

He was probably left feeling hurt, confused, and rejected. I don't think he understands why you changed your mind. He probably thinks it is something wrong with him. Some reason why you tossed him aside. And I hope you didn't say "let's just be friends" ...

Hit the nail on the head with that one.

[Jenn1fer82]

Originally Posted by OR82

I really do not want to be rude here but really, why exactly do you think that someone that was in love with you, who you now have rejected, would want to revert to the same old role when everything he wanted in his heart came to be, albeit for a moment? You have to understand that in his mind you have completely ripped his heart out. Maybe this is a little too close to home for me to respond to but at least I can tell you how he feels. He also feels, I believe, that you used him emotionally and that is all you want from him. When you love someone in a situation like this it hurts more than you can really bear sometimes. I mean if you had dated other people during your friendship while he stood by you through it all, that had to have taken its toll on him to begin with, but to have been accepted and then rejected has broken the camels back so to speak. Again I do not wish to seem harsh I really do not but as I am in a similar situation (his side of it) I know the feeling.

No you're not harsh, you're only being honest. Yes, Jay was that guy who always stood by my side and watched me go through one heart ache after another as I dated other men in my life. He always wondered why I wouldn't give him a chance when I kept dating all the wrong men in my life. I miss him and appreciated him more then ever after all the wrong men I've dated and now that him and I crossed the lines of once being friends to now becoming intimate, I miss him so much. I suppose the right person for me was always by my side and I wouldn't believe it, accept it and kept looking for the "one" in all the wrong places. Now its all too late and he's moved on and closed himself off to me and our friendship. I do understand it and I accept that. I was just here on this forum to express how much I miss my bestfriend.

[poptart316]

Why don't you want to be with him?

Originally Posted by OR82

From experience this is a really bad idea. It may very well end up making it worse. He will probably feel as if you are patronizing him. Its like telling a depressed person to cheer up because others have it worse. That may be true but why would a depressed person feel better due to someone else feeling worse than they do when they have an idea of how that person feels and would not wish it on anyone?

Yep, it sure can be a bad idea. But that depends on the mind set. Some people are more open to forgiveness, others can appreciate the effort that someone makes, even if it doesn't change their mind over the situation. It all depends on the person and not everyone might want to stay bitter and angry forever.

May I add, that people who forgive are amazing. And I do understand and bear a grudge for a while myself!

[OR82]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

May I add, that people who forgive are amazing. And I do understand and bear a grudge for a while myself!

I do not think it is so much about bearing a grudge more so than trying to heal from such heartbreak. Think about it, you love someone, you watch them make mistakes with other guys, you stand by and support (which by the way is something a good partner should do), you believe that that one you love has finally seen you being there all along and then BAM, nope. That is not a grudge, that is the destruction of one's self-esteem and emotional well being. Having that done to you can totally affect and or change your psyche for the rest of your life in some cases. It just goes to show that you should be careful with those that entrust their heart to you because you can destroy them with a few simple words. I speak from experience, on this. My ex-wife did this to me, not the same I grant that. But three years on from a divorce where she walked away from the marriage, gave no reason, and is remarried now in MY old house....I do not hold a grudge toward her, in fact I have no feeling toward HER at all. But my self worth is non-existent. When someone you love tosses you out like a sack of rubbish, its very hard to get the confidence back to even attempt to date, deal with rejection and even try to have a meaningful relationship with someone.

I am sorry to read what has happened to you, I do feel for you. I also know from your other post what situation you are in now, which again is hard.

But I feel that my post has been taken out of context. I did mention giving him time to lick his wounds.. Yes, I do understand that perhaps making a gesture towards her friend may not be the best thing, but it also might help him too. Only she can guess that I think? A more educated guess than you or I as she knows him. I just thought, as a person who likes to try and put something right when I can, that perhaps he may appreciate the gesture of kindness, even if it didn't change his mind about their friendship. It wasnt supposed to be patronising, though I can see where you are coming from, and it wasnt supposed to, well, belittle his pain, it was about her trying to be a good friend to him for a change, as he is the one hurting. Obviously being the source of the hurt, it wasnt going to be easy, or perhaps even go well, but I just thought that he may have appreciated the effort anyway. That's what I meant about a grudge. Some folk are able to appreciate an effort, even if not entirely welcome, and others may not want to ever hear from a person again. Its totally up to the individual and there is no wrong or right. And yes, you hit the nail on the head, be careful who you trust your heart to, but its also good to remember that she didn't ask for all that. She just made a big mistake by thinking she could return the love, but it wasnt done out of malice and I think there is a big difference there, and one the fella in question hopefully knows even though he's hurting.

And am sorry that your self-worth is non-existent. I will say something now that may just annoy you greatly, but we cannot, ever, change how people are with us and how the treat us. How cruel people are can take my breath away. Your wife doing those things to you were just awful, that I can not stress enough, and you really have gone through a tough time. I presume there would've been nothing really that you could've done to change her actions, but you can change how you react to it. How we deal with stuff is all we have - and before you dump on me, I am talking from experience too.

[Silent Void]

You aren't the first to make that mistake. All you can do is mourn your friendship and move on.

[OR82]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

And am sorry that your self-worth is non-existent. I will say something now that may just annoy you greatly, but we cannot, ever, change how people are with us and how the treat us. How cruel people are can take my breath away. Your wife doing those things to you were just awful, that I can not stress enough, and you really have gone through a tough time. I presume there would've been nothing really that you could've done to change her actions, but you can change how you react to it. How we deal with stuff is all we have - and before you dump on me, I am talking from experience too.

Really didn't mean to dump anything on you there. Unfortunately I am blunt and to the point kind of person, sometimes brutally honest.

[tokotoko]

Hey dear, I had crossed the line with one of my bestest friends too..and I had only dated one boy before him which ended up mutually. My "bestest" friend had asked me out so many times and I had rejected him several times and he still kept trying. I told him that I was apprehensive and feared losing him if anything ever goes wrong between us if I accept him..yet he did not quit and one fine day he directly told me that he loves me..and once again I was hesitant and he reassured me that nothing can ever go wrong between us..and my heart melted and I gave in.

We hardly dated 2 months and things started to go wrong..his family is very conservative and orthodox..he had to break up with me and I was torn apart..
And u know sumthing, unfortunately we used to study in the same class..so imagine how it would feel to see the person ur bestest frnd whom u dated everyday for 8 hours and unable to speak anything.

I regret having said yes to him..it was the worst mistake ever..I lost him forever..its been 4 years since then and we haven't spoken neither have seen each other..
I miss my bff..
I am committed and love my boyfriend with my life but I still my best friend..