How to put the past behind

In my marriage to my husband of 10 years, in the last 2 year he has became good friends with his best friends sister.....the text and talk on the phone daily.

Recently, I have found out that the friendship has became more.....I have found naked pictures of both of them and some videos of each other. These were sent by emails and thru their cell phones. This happened 3 times last year. When confronting my husband he said that their friendship had crossed that line. (he said this the first time that this happened which was in March, it happened again in April, then in October) He said they both agreed that they crossed that line and it would NEVER happen again......well it happened again.......

My husband will not quit being friends with her, the texting and phone conversations still happen. He said he doesn't want to loose a good friend, but at the same time how could he do this to his best friend, his wife.

He has apologized numerous of times, as I have forgave him of what he did he is trying so hard for this marriage to work, but I am having hard time with all of this.....

This girl is also married, which he knows nothing about what happened between the two of them. My husband told me we would have more problems if I told him about what happened.......well from my view, I can't get over what my husband did to me, I feel like he is choosing her friendship over his wife/family, and I don't think it's fair that the best friend husband doesn't know.

So confused and don't know what to do.......

I'm so sorry this happened. I agree with you - he's choosing this woman over his family and over YOU.

If he were my husband, he would either stop this friendship or he'd have to get out. I'm not sure I would have forgiven him in the first place, but that's just me.

Personally, I think once a cheater, always a cheater. If they're going to continue this "friendship", I have a feeling they're going to find a way to continue the "relationship" if you know what I mean.

Again, I'd tell him either to give her up completely or he could just get out. You can't be working on a marriage and still have that woman between you. Perhaps marriage counseling would help. I wish you the very best. God bless and please take care. I really feel for you, my friend. Hugs, Lee

Welcome to PC, and sorry you're in this situation. I tend to agree with Leed. I have. Never been in a relationship with someone who has cheated and then worked it out and stuck around, but people do make that choice. But it doesn't sound like your husband is willing to change much. I mean, it's pretty ballsy of him to want to keep this 'friend' in his life and assume that you will put up with it. I guess you need to decide what's important to you with your marriage the way it is now (not how it was or could be) and what you need to feel happy and sane. It's not just about him.

Hope you find a way through this.

hey hard to let go of the past, but best to keep trying to move forward! The best!

Sometimes people make it work and sometimes not, only you can be the judge here, but if it drags on and on, I'd consider going another direction! The best!

Obviously your husband doesn't think the chances you've given him were enough.

I agree with Leed, I think you should tell him to make his choice. There's no way this is going to work and it's not fair at all to you, if you keep working on your marriage (which he is destroying) and he keeps contacting that girl.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Wish you the best!

IMO, your husband is giving you a line of crap, this is "not" just a friendship situation. Men don't really have these kinds of "friendships" with women, he is showing that very clearly in how they are both going beyond a regular "friendship" with adding in sexual
things about themselves, come hither is what that is all about.

He is also in "denial" with you too, so your concerns are worthy and he is being very dishonest with you. They are both being "dishonest" about this so called "friendship".
This is all about "selfish ego" in both him and this other woman.

And the sad part is that if they keep going and break up two marriages, and end up with each other exclusively, it will end up "burning out" and they may both end up once again cheating with yet someone else. Yup it's all about "selfish ego boosting".

They have a name for this set some years back, it's called the 7 year itch, which is right around that time frame in your marriage.

Time to put your foot down IMO.

OE

Have you thought through what might happen were you to inform the girl's husband? All the possible scenarios?

Your husband has clearly disrespectedd you in many different ways. For a man to hurt his wife in this way and then repeat it again and again is horrible. Nude pics to a "friend" ? No. This is unacceptable and I can only tell you what I would do and why.

I learned a long time ago that for 28 years I rebelled, but I never gave a consequence. My EX knew I was unhappy because I voiced it again and again but nothing changed. Rebelling wasn't working. Give him a consequence for his actions and get this handled once and for all. Personally, I don't know how you've dealt with this, and can't imagine you two ever getting through this. However, if you love him and think things can be worked out, then try the consequence theory. In rebelling you simply send a message that says "I'm unhappy and I want you to know this. I don't like this one bit." So he doesn't seem to care about your feelings does he? He continues. Try this: "Sweetheart, I've made a decision. I have reached the threshhold of my tolerance for disrespect. I will not be treated in this manner and I will not allow you to hurt me and my family any longer. If you want your family together and your wife the way it's supposed to be, then cut all ties with this woman NOW. ALL of them. If you don't, I will file for a divorce. Bottom line. Now, this sends a message to him "hmm.... she's serious this time. What if she leaves? Hmm... I better straighten up or I'm going to lose her and my family will be broken." I bet he gets rid of her for good. I hope so. If he does, then that's wonderful but don't take it for granted you can trust him. If he refuses, do what you said you would and file for a divorce. Stand your ground and do not ever let anyone treat you any way that makes you feel insecure, unhappy, or sad. This, of course, is my oppinion of this problem and what I would do, and is just food for thought. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with something like this. I've lived through it, it's not fun, and rebuilding trust is the hardest thing you can ever do. It will make you or break you but nothing is worth living in misery. I got out of mine and am happy now. I'm writing, dancing and living. It's been 9 years, he's remarried and I'm single and loving it. Time was my friend. Good luck to you.

If you are considering divorce and there would be money involved, as might very well be case after 10 years, then you need to seek legal advice, in private and without the husband's knowledge, paying in cash, if need be. That is the general recommendation that you will read everywhere - I have never been in your shoes, but everywhere it is written that you first seek legal advice and become aware of your options and strategies, and then start actions/conversations about the divorce. There are numerous reasons to this.

Just make sure that your communications with the potential lawyers would remain private between you and them.

wvcountrygirl ~ You have the patience of a saint. And he knows it.
I always think women should have each others back, not each others husbands. They are both bums. I'm sorry you have this going on.
" My husband told me we would have more problems if I told him about what happened....."
Really? How convenient for him to silence you!
"I can't get over what my husband did to me, I feel like he is choosing her friendship over his wife/family"...
You said it, I am hoping seeing it in print helps make it really, really clear. He has broken a trust with you. It's broken. You say, "he apologized...he is trying to make this marriage work..." Um, no. He isn't. He wants you to think that though. If he was going to let her go, she'd be gone.
Hammy is right. Get an attorney. No more listening to his sorry line. You are clearly a lovely woman and he blew it. I'm very sorry for your pain.

Thank you all for the wonderful feedback. I have had .a few days by myself to think about things . Its going to be a long road no matter what direction I take, however I know I am putting myself and my two children first...I have always put my children first, but itsbout them and me right now. Everything will fall into place.....everything happens for a reason......

Gosh I'm sorry for what you're going through.
I can totally see why you feel this way, and if this were me I would give him an ultimatum - me or her. I couldn't trust him with her after that, and in my opinion his marriage and family should be way more important. Ok, he says he doesn't want to lose a good friend, but hasn't he already done that by crossing that line? It's not a friendship any more and never will be. They have betrayed their partners and that's not right.
In my single life, I made a drunken mistake with a friend, it was stupid and should never have happened. We remained 'friends' but we never saw each other and only very occasionally said hello on Facebook. When I met my husband, I stopped this friendship altogether because my husband wasn't comfortable me being friends with him. I think if you love your other half, you should be prepared (as long as its reasonable, which it is in your case) to make sacrifices and if that means not maintaining a supposed friendship to save your marriage, then so be it.
Long story, but in a nutshell last year my husband started emailing this random woman whilst he was up doing night feeds for our newborn son. It started off a little flirtatious but went on to become extremely explicit and they'd exchanged naked pictures. I logged into his account, well actually a shared account (silly man) and obviously found all this out and went absolutely crackers. I told him he wasn't to have any more contact with her, he had to delete this account and also his own email account (they'd been there too) and for a long time when he went to collect his son I made him take the baby with him because she lived close to that area and they'd said about meeting up for sex. He did all this, without question and apologised profusely and still a year on puts up with my **** now. And I give him hell at times for it. I have forgiven him but that doesn't make the hurt and also the questions and paranoia go away, these things take time and trust is an incredibly hard thing to claw back once broken. Your husband has to understand this and take the necessary measures to get your lives on track again. After all, it was his mistake, not yours. I would ask him how would he feel/react if it were the other way round? What would he do? Would he be happy for you to remain friends? I highly doubt it. Stick to what you know you need, if he truly loves you he will do what it takes to earn your trust again.

sry to here what you are going through i seem to be is some what of the same boat. no pics and idk if there is a /guy/ in her life .she texts some one all the time and says it is just her girl frinds but will not let me see who she is talking to or read any texts GL i hope things get better for u

I'm sorry for what is happened to you and it is very rude and disrespectful.

We had a very stupid thing happen at our house a couple years ago. I showed my husband how to get a Facebook page and that it was fun and you could keep track of the kids and play video games. He started playing this online cards, which I could never get into because it was so boring, and made several internet "friendships". I didn't care, I had made a friend in the internet as well, we were similar in age, married, teenage children etc with similar interests, and I had even met my friend and her husband in person once because he drives a semi and was passing through close, we went out for supper and shopping, and we still frequently text or email each other. I also made friends with an older couple from Alaska, and they would send me smoked salmon and I sent them jerky and cookies. So idk....I just thought it was like that.

And three or four of them, it was. But this one gal seemed like she wanted to talk to him all the time. She would also text him. He would be on there as soon as he got home from work til midnight. I thought it bizarre, but that his interest in the internet would wane.

Eventually, this woman even sent me a friend request, I didn't know her, but I recognized the name so accepted it. She informed me that my husband was depressed and bored with the almost twenty year marriage. I was somewhat miffed, and asked him if this was true and why he would discuss this with a stranger.

At some point, she began telling him she loved him, and wanted to leave her husband for him. She proceeded to add our KIDS as friends, asking them if I was a good mom and wife, and tried to add a bunch of our other friends.

He did tell her to stop it, but she was on a roll.

I discovered a conversation where she described her love for him, whom she had never met, and she wanted to move here, and I was a frigid crazy ****** who was on drugs, and he should get rid of me.

All hell broke loose, and I was going to leave, or put him out....I had NEVER saw him doing such a thing. He begged me to stay, proclaimed his undying love, and that he was just trying to be friendly, and not to hurt her feelings, but I had seen that he wrote "I love you, too" and it was a knife in my heart.

He managed to get rid of her, she was extremely mad, and vengeful, but he got her to stop. For months after, I was paranoid and would check texts, emails, and phone records. We went to marriage counseling.

I've forgiven him, and I dearly love him, but this is still a scar on my heart, and I don't know if it will ever completely go away.

Why would you put up with that? Transparency, openness. We don't get it from business and governments, but in an intimate relationship there must be more trust or the quality just isn't there.

I agree with Leed "once a cheater, always a cheater". These two will find themselves nowhere but with each other, and the cycle will start with one or both of them. Let them deal with each other, neither one of them could stay faithful or even friends if they were together, as proven by your situation, so get away as soon as possible save up money if you have to and get out. Otherwise I feel you're wasting your time with him.

I think you have to draw a line for what you want, set a boundary; to start, your husband has to sever all ties to this woman or you will sever ties with your husband; he can't have his cake and eat it too. It is hard to let go of someone you love but he's not respecting you and that is your #1 job in life, to be in charge of putting yourself in the healthiest positions you can find so you can live and love at your best. You are being compromised by another here, you have to "move" as you cannot make anyone else do so, you can only tell them where your boundaries are and then he has to decide what he wants, what is best for himself.

I must say, I agree with Avlady to a degree. I think once could be a terrible mistake, but for myself if it happened again I wouldn't call that a mistake. Mistakes are there to be learnt by, not repeated. If my husband did what he did again, I'd leave him because to me I think if you were really sorry, you'd not do it again.

It does look as if the husband were trying to silence wvcountrygirl0621, indeed.

Still, the action of informing "THE "FRIEND"'s HUSBAND about what happened." would be irreversible and may not necessarily lead to its intended consequences, so, instead of or at least in addition to taking this action, wvcountrygirl0621 needs to seek legal advice.

sorry late answering just getting site nav down. Sorry about your pain and don't know if you're resolved this or not. Wishing you the very best. Feel free to talk about it or PM or not, if you've moved on. And btw, the mention of Leed, made me think of how very valueable and very much alive is her advice still, and for that, I'm grateful!

Could also, turn around and sue the other woman, while you're at if, if this is a decision, for alienation of affection. It's all on their cell phone records. Then, her husband would have a wonderful way, of 'finding out' the truth about his wife!

Of course, sometimes, we feel that keeping a mommy and daddy under the same roof is the 'best' solution, but um, one of these days, one of those kids, is going to find out the truth. How we, as parents, proceed from here, is what they will also know, in the future.

Not just once, not just twice, but three times and they are still communicating.

He doesn't sound like he's making amends, he sounds like he has you, right where he wants you to be....