Shared values in friendships/relationships

Someone asked me in another thread what I meant by shared values, and rather than hijack that thread, I thought I'd start a new one. I had written:

>> Interests are supposed to provide a comfortable context in which to get to know someone. [My husband and I] share values and recreational activities and we don't want kids. Shared values with someone in your appropriate age bracket is what you should be looking for. Compatibility. What are the ingredients of compatibility? Values are what a life is based on. Get to know yours and those of other people. This takes time.

She wrote:
> I'm not really sure what shared values are? Do you mean like being nice to people, wanting people to be genuine and that kind of thing? I think that probably is what you mean, but I just want to check as I could also do with some information on how to connect with people and build relationships. Thanks.

One starting point for looking at values is Marshall Rosenberg's list of needs:

Needs Inventory | The Center for Nonviolent Communication

The things you consider the essential and critical needs are high values. I value nonviolent communication, something Rosenberg specializes in. Being nice or genuine could be values, but I think "nice" is a bit vague. There must be many different ways to define what is valuable or important to people. But as you get closer to someone, it seems that you have to be on the same page or at least be able to respect the other person's values and how they live them. Lip service does not count.

Does that make sense? It relates to compatibility, because I find one of the problems I have had with people is they do not share my values, nor I theirs. So there is little common ground. Rosenberg's background is in negotiating. For me, being to speak openly, be gentle and genuine, admit when you are wrong, and try to understand and handle emotions well are all critical aspects of communication. I'm less comfortable dealing with people who are not like that, to the point where I wouldn't want to be their close friend. Just an example for a critical value for me - communication. (Someone else may value different aspects of communication.)

Does that make sense? So this means getting to know yourself which helps you get to know others - at a deep level. I can get along with most people, and I can understand what depths are possible or not, too. I can experiment, check out my feelings, and the other person's behavior, and see if my understanding is validated.

Just wanted to say a BIG thank you for posting this and the link - I found the list of needs, and also a list of feelings, on the site really really helpful - like a whole vocabulary that I would like to be able to learn and which helps me articulate what I'd like in life and which direction to go in. I'd only gleaned bits of it before. I wish that I had known this to work on when I was in my twenties.

I'm glad you are finding it as meaningful and helpful as I have. This is what we "should" grow up learning about, instead of dogma and the art of stuffing down feelings (which is what I got). Not that my parents were extremely rigid or anything, but if we don't examine our assumptions, they do tend to ossify and transform our lives without the chance of us choosing our intentions.

Rosenberg's stuff is some of the most valuable I have read. I like that it is practical, as shown by it being the basis of real negotiations in the real political world, not just a bunch of theory and strange psychic postulates that don't match up to reality. We get to pick and choose which values are meaningful to us.

Thanks again for your reply.

Great link, thanks!

I hope you don't mind I make a comment. I agreed with what you wrote, but I'd like to add my experience.

It makes me feel good to know people like me and want to talk to me. There are several people where I work who make a point of talking to me and of course I willingly respond.

But they talk about their own interests and seem to assume I share them. One woman in particular finds me very amusing (I do not try to be, I am usually commenting on something I find irksome or irritating and it must be the way I express myself).

She likes fantasy, cartoons, superheroes and many other whimsical things. The movies, books, internet stuff she talks about and recommends to me are all related to that stuff. I listen politely and comment appropriately to demonstrate I have listened. But this last time she mentioned the same things all over again I finally said her favorite star was not my favorite although I did like him in a particular film (which I could tell she didn't like). So.

I guess what I was trying to do was continue to respect her, but also to indicate that I did not share all of her interests in exactly the same way.

Maybe I didn't do it right.

Why do you think you didn't do something right? Because she didn't like what you did or wasn't pleasant about it? Or because she keeps treating you the same way, giving the same information?

The reaction you get doesn't to me mean you did something wrong. Sounds like you were polite, and she wasn't polite in return. (I wasn't there, so this impression of course comes from your words and is not the full picture.) Sometimes if I don't like the reaction, I try something different next time. You've given a good example of an experience that's worth thinking about for what is really happening there at a deeper level. (Not that I have the answer, but if it were my experience, I'd figure it out for myself, if I keep running into this person.)

It irks me she finds you amusing. Sounds like she is laughing AT you? Or what do you mean? I know people laugh when I'm serious because I sometimes exaggerate or use expressive language to describe the irritating thing, and the words themselves are somewhat amusing or surprising, so I can't blame them for that in my case.

I don't think she is laughing at me; I think she finds me amusing because she doesn't realize I am often being serious and not making a joke. I think she is trying to tell me something, too, by telling me those two or three times about her favorite actor and in the (what I thought was a) stupid movie he was in. I think she is trying to emphasize that she wants to talk about fantasy, comic books, superheroes and the like.

I'm not always sure when or if to tell someone "I don't share your interests" especially when I do share them in some ways but not in others -- I like films, for example but not that movie she keeps harping on. I liked to read comic books when I was a child but that was 45 year ago.

It seems to be out of style to be serious; there are many people where I work who adore all that fantasy, comic book, cartoon, superhero stuff. I'm not one of them. But I don't want to be a stick in the mud by saying so every time some person rhapsodizes about the latest Iron Man movie or how much they love Popeye.

I might be making a mistake in not being honest when she or anyone else brings it up that their interests are not my interests. Perhaps in these instances polite attention is false encouragement.

I'm with you on the fantasy stuff. I like some children's stories as fond memories, like Dr. Seuss and the stories my dad read me as a kid, but I wouldn't do more than mention them to see if there is a spark of interest by people, and then I would act accordingly. People who think something is kewl often bore others. There is a whole subculture wrapped up in fantasy etc, unlike w/ Dr. Seuss.

I think you are showing too much interest, yes. Better to change the subject: She says what she thinks is cool, then you do the same. . . but it's something completely different. (Speaking of which, we Monty Python lovers can also be very tiresome. I think I am an exception to that. ) Just my take on that kind of situation. And I like a lot of serious stuff as well. Jim Carrey is not for everyone. Some people can't get into anything serious. Maybe she is one of those?

Thanks for the reply. I did not know there was a subculture wrapped up in fantasy. That explains a lot about what I keep encountering. I think I'll modify my response(s) the next time this happens so that I don't have to smile politely one more time when someone tells me she (or he) wants to be Wonder woman or that they think the only good book worth reading was written by Milne.

I'm a big fan of nonviolent communication, so thanks for sharing the link. I've seen it improve the quality of my communication with others, and also the way that I am able to handle others' outbursts (normally I would have cowered and hid in the face of anger even five years ago; now I can accept that it has nothing to do with me). We haven't done it for awhile, but for about a year there was a group of four of us - different ages and genders - who met up, originally to go through the NVC workbook, but we ended up just having sessions where we each were able to talk about our 'stuff' and be held through it, without someone else trying to fix it, or judging the people or situations we may have been talking about, giving us each the opportunity to practice NVC with each other. It's amazing how this day and age has brought about such an obstacle in direct communication, given all of our technology (or maybe not).
I liked the list in the link you provided, h3rmit. I'm familiar with most of it, but it's nice to be reminded that yes, other people have those needs as well. I'm a more accepting, open person when I can do this. It's easier for me to connect with others rather than close myself off or allow myself to become hurt by things that are not mine. It also reminds me that we're more alike than we think, and that I'm not alone.
Thanks for sharing.