Based on knowing that I have more negative than positive qualities and that I was treated like a horrible person for expressing interest in someone before and terrorized until I had a breakdown and had to go on anti-psychotic meds for a while, I don't know if I should ever pursue dating again. I really don't want to risk being treated like that again if anything about me is a deal breaker...although to be honest, I'm never going to be brave/stupid/crazy enough to share my feelings with anyone ever again because of what happened before...but still, I wonder if some of my worse traits are/could be deal breakers for many/most people.

For example:
I have a lot of scars, stretch marks, and acne on my body. I wouldn't even let a doctor look at me, if I could get around it.

Even though I'm losing weight (or at least sizes) at a very rapid pace, I'm not skinny enough yet. Do I just wait until I'm skinny enough? I'm not sure what that's going to be though.

I have huge hang-ups with all levels of intimacy. The thought of sex excites and terrifies me (at an abnormally high level) at the same time. I don't think it would be fair to someone to have them get stuck in a relationship where it'll be a struggle for anyone to get their physical needs met. And I know I would be left over this...but do I pre-warn people so they can decide whether it's a deal-breaker?

I also have difficulty communicating needs/emotions/anything really because of fear of ridicule. I try to avoid outright lying, but I tend to omit information and be really distant unless I know for sure it's ok to share the information or feel like I have no choice. Again, is this something you pre-warn someone about? This also goes back to the physical intimacy problem—I don't know how to communicate needs or boundaries, so I'm pretty much at the mercy of if the other person would take advantage of that or not. And if they would be able to tell when they're going too far just by my reaction so I wouldn't have to be afraid of not being able to stop them?

Would it ever be worth pursuing dating or is it just a silly dream? They're just going to laugh at me or call me creepy...like they always do. Do I just wait until someone asks me and hope they are patient enough to deal with me or are my traits just deal breakers?

[Leed]

Bless your heart. You are NOT creepy! ALL of us have what you might call "defects" on our bodies. We ALL have stretch marks, or scars or marks of some kind on our bodies, whether it be from surgeries, or accidents, or whatever.

If you find someone that you care about and eventually come to LOVE, they aren't going to care about those "marks' on your body! They will only care about YOU. The body is PART of you and it will be beautiful to them! They won't even SEE those things that you mention!

REAL love doesn't see those defects. REAL love only sees the person. When I married my 2nd husband, I had more stretch marks & scars on me than a map has roads! LOL My husband didn't care. All he saw was ME. To him, I was beautiful. (and I'm really not!)

Please don't worry about those things, because they just don't matter! If they did, no one would be in a relationship and no one would get married! We're all full of "defects." NO ONE IS PERFECT. YOU are beautiful !!

God bless you my friend, and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[winter4me]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

Based on knowing that I have more negative than positive qualities and that I was treated like a horrible person for expressing interest in someone before and terrorized until I had a breakdown and had to go on anti-psychotic meds for a while, I don't know if I should ever pursue dating again. I really don't want to risk being treated like that again if anything about me is a deal breaker...although to be honest, I'm never going to be brave/stupid/crazy enough to share my feelings with anyone ever again because of what happened before...but still, I wonder if some of my worse traits are/could be deal breakers for many/most people.

For example:
I have a lot of scars, stretch marks, and acne on my body. I wouldn't even let a doctor look at me, if I could get around it.

Even though I'm losing weight (or at least sizes) at a very rapid pace, I'm not skinny enough yet. Do I just wait until I'm skinny enough? I'm not sure what that's going to be though.

I have huge hang-ups with all levels of intimacy. The thought of sex excites and terrifies me (at an abnormally high level) at the same time. I don't think it would be fair to someone to have them get stuck in a relationship where it'll be a struggle for anyone to get their physical needs met. And I know I would be left over this...but do I pre-warn people so they can decide whether it's a deal-breaker?

I also have difficulty communicating needs/emotions/anything really because of fear of ridicule. I try to avoid outright lying, but I tend to omit information and be really distant unless I know for sure it's ok to share the information or feel like I have no choice. Again, is this something you pre-warn someone about? This also goes back to the physical intimacy problem—I don't know how to communicate needs or boundaries, so I'm pretty much at the mercy of if the other person would take advantage of that or not. And if they would be able to tell when they're going too far just by my reaction so I wouldn't have to be afraid of not being able to stop them?

Would it ever be worth pursuing dating or is it just a silly dream? They're just going to laugh at me or call me creepy...like they always do. Do I just wait until someone asks me and hope they are patient enough to deal with me or are my traits just deal breakers?

Could you describe what happened in the last relationship that led to "being treated like a terrible person" and how that necessitated antipsychotic medication? Also a bit more about the sexual issue, how it expresses itself with others These are the only parts I find really concerning. (and whatever it is can be worked on for the better) Can you describe the behavior of yourself and others during this time? As for the rest, as Leed says we all have our defects and this is no reason not to love and be loved. Or, just to have a good, lasting dating relationship.

[Trippin2.0]

Yes I agree with winter, it would be better to have more details before advising... incase you're unwilling to share though, here's what I think so far;
Physical flaws (stretchmarks, scars, etc) can never be a deal breaker. Very few people would then be in any type of relationship. Deal breakers are deeper than physical traits and are present because there is no way for parties to compromise. i.e. Abuse, monogomy, marriage VS no marriage, kids VS no kids, etc... Those are typical deal-breakers.

Would I be upfront about not being emotionally available and uncomfortable with sex? Depends on "how" upfront is actually upfront...

Cultures differ, here we generally get to know someone socially before going on an actual date, its not common practice for 2 complete strangers to go out to dinner, which works well for many reasons because you get to know the person some before making up your mind about anything and encourages friendship to blossom before love...

Anyway my point is, if it were me, then the guy would already know by the first date that I'm not a touchy feely emotional type, or whatever, and it would be an easy subject to bring up. If I didn't know him from Adam? I'd wait till I got to know him a bit better. And I would only mention the intimacy thing if I thought the relationship was definitly heading in that direction.

My unsolicited advice to you however is this: You don't seem ready for a relationship. You admittedly do not know how to set boundaries and communicate your needs.

Say if a man were trying to get intimate with you, and he was really into it, and didnt notice your expression or demeanor change... he's not a mind reader is he? and you said you can't say no. What if you 2 have sex? is he then guilty of rape because he wasn't able to read your "no" reaction accurately? I foresee huge complications and possible danger in the light of the information that you are unable to communicate needs and wish others to read your reactions and behave accordingly.

I suggest you seek some therapy to help you with your communication problems, and maybe even with your intimacy issue if that suites you. Because once you have firm guidance in these areas, dating will be less complicated for you and the person you choose to date.

Bless your heart, I think love is for everyone, and I don't think you're creepy at all. I do hope this response is received in the helpful spirit it was sent

[0w6c379]

Hi, IamTheEnd, I am so sorry you have been treated badly and hurt by others. I think you should definitely try dating again. No way are your traits "deal breakers". Sure, there are people who have trouble with any imperfections. But, there are many good men out there who will just look at your inner beauty. I don't think you need to wait until you lose more pounds. Men think I'm too thin and are not attracted to me because of that either. Pre-warning sounds like a good idea (just before you get intimate). But if you are that close to intimacy, I don't think they'll really care. Hey, if the guy is not getting his needs met, I think he'll know what to do.

If you pull away from someone, I think that tells them without a doubt to back off. You might just say you're not ready yet for that particular move. In that way you don't put them off altogether.

It would be good for you to slowly get back in the game. At least be open to it if the opportunity presents itself.

-------------------

Gee, Lee, your reply was so beautiful I mean truly beautiful. It makes me cry. I wish someone could tell me that before I leave this world. It's so hard to live with feeling unloved because of your appearance. So many people make you feel bad and say horrible things. I understand the OP feeling the way she does. Thank you for your beautiful words of love and hope. If only I could believe...

[Tamster]

A friend on PC plays this song to me now and then in chat to remind me that we are all beautiful including me. It has helped me along with his unconditional support to beleive in myself more.

[Inedible]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

Would it ever be worth pursuing dating or is it just a silly dream? They're just going to laugh at me or call me creepy...like they always do. Do I just wait until someone asks me and hope they are patient enough to deal with me or are my traits just deal breakers?

The people who are most likely to get to know you and to first like you for who you are - then love you - are the ones most likely to be conscious of having baggage of their own. "...like they always do." tells me that you expect to be treated this way and people pick up on this. Anyway, it is entirely possible that there are already people in your life who would just be grateful for a chance to get naked with you and they just don't realize that maybe you would be willing to overlook their problems. Not all baggage is visible, even in the nude. The thing is, if you are pushing them away and they are pushing you away then the hookup is not likely to occur. So. If you consistently find yourself attracted to people who treat you the same way, then maybe you should consider other people - the ones you aren't really drawn to. There may be potential there.

As for love, I agree that it has a tendency to overlook and minimize flaws. At the same time, though, someone who really loves you should want to help you become the best person you can be. This means helping you to change the things you can change. For the most part, I think that scars and stretch marks just need a few years to fade. The acne may be fixable, starting with things like tea tree oil, antibiotics, drinking more water, and avoiding highly processed foods. Stress probably plays a role as well; any condition it doesn't actually cause is often made worse by stress. Someone who loves you will want to help you to feel better about yourself. When they look at you, you want them to really look and really see you. If they have to look past something, it means they aren't completely accepting you for who you are. Being ignored - even your flaws - hurts, especially from someone you love.

[Inedible]

Adding something I just saw:

Originally Posted by http://www.huffingtonpost.com/201Pro...n Is Acting Up

The Food Fix: Eat Your Onions
Battling breakouts? The antioxidants in onions and other sulfur-rich veggies tamp down the inflammation that leads to acne, says Valori Treloar, M.D., a dermatologist in Newton, Mass., and co-author of The Clear Skin Diet. The sulfur in onions, leeks and scallions helps produce a detoxifying molecule called glutathione, which a 2011 study found to be lower in the skin of people who were prone to breakouts.

This antioxidant is most potent when eaten in raw or lightly cooked foods. Try adding chopped scallions to your salad or stirring diced onions into your salsa or stir-fry. Taking folate and vitamin B6 and B12 supplements may also boost glutathione levels.

Ok, just to clear up any confusion, I've never dated so instead of getting back into the game, I'm just trying to get in before I get any older and there are less and less people available.

Originally Posted by Leed

Bless your heart. You are NOT creepy! ALL of us have what you might call "defects" on our bodies. We ALL have stretch marks, or scars or marks of some kind on our bodies, whether it be from surgeries, or accidents, or whatever.

Does it make a difference that most of the scars are from self-harm that still happens occasionally?

Originally Posted by winter4me

Could you describe what happened in the last relationship that led to "being treated like a terrible person" and how that necessitated antipsychotic medication? Also a bit more about the sexual issue, how it expresses itself with others These are the only parts I find really concerning. (and whatever it is can be worked on for the better) Can you describe the behavior of yourself and others during this time? As for the rest, as Leed says we all have our defects and this is no reason not to love and be loved. Or, just to have a good, lasting dating relationship.

And more details about what happened with the guy I expressed interest in and has made me terrified to do that again (as I will refer to now as J). I had just moved to a new city (and state as well) to go to graduate school and J was being nice and friendly towards me (which I'm not really used to) so because I'm so desperate to bond with people, in my mind, emotionally, I bonded with him (or at least thought I did) very quickly.

So we went to dinner one night (not sure if you could call it a date or not) and without thinking, I mentioned that I had already begun liking someone and then admitted it was him. It was fine at first. He of course didn't like me and we'd move on.

And then things went downhill from there. I guess it started with me jokingly saying it would be a jerk move if he told me he wasn't interested in dating at all and started dating someone next week (this has happened to me). Things just slowly got more and more tense. He would glare at me when he walked by me and I felt terrified all the time that I would run into him and that he would accuse me of stalking him. He also mentioned at some point how I had created a whole imaginary relationship in my head (but people DO fantasize right? Maybe I do too much?) One night he wanted to talk to me. He was really angry and I was really depressed and told him that I really couldn't talk that night. I texted him soon after apologizing and explaining that my mind wasn't in a good place to talk. He texted me back and continued to text me hurtful messages. Including saying I'm creepy (which has happened more than once by multiple people over my lifetime). I was already overwhelmed by other things and was emotionally falling apart and his texts just sent me over the edge. I became paranoid, couldn't sleep, started to think I was seeing things. I thought maybe J was following me.

I'm not sure if I have enough experience to really describe the sexual issue. Apparently my fears are abnormally high. I expect to forced to do something sexual that I don't want to do, and so I guess I just see sexual things as scary and bad. If you have more specific questions, I'll try to answer them.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Yes I agree with winter, it would be better to have more details before advising... incase you're unwilling to share though, here's what I think so far;
Physical flaws (stretchmarks, scars, etc) can never be a deal breaker. Very few people would then be in any type of relationship. Deal breakers are deeper than physical traits and are present because there is no way for parties to compromise. i.e. Abuse, monogomy, marriage VS no marriage, kids VS no kids, etc... Those are typical deal-breakers.

Would I be upfront about not being emotionally available and uncomfortable with sex? Depends on "how" upfront is actually upfront...

Cultures differ, here we generally get to know someone socially before going on an actual date, its not common practice for 2 complete strangers to go out to dinner, which works well for many reasons because you get to know the person some before making up your mind about anything and encourages friendship to blossom before love...

Anyway my point is, if it were me, then the guy would already know by the first date that I'm not a touchy feely emotional type, or whatever, and it would be an easy subject to bring up. If I didn't know him from Adam? I'd wait till I got to know him a bit better. And I would only mention the intimacy thing if I thought the relationship was definitly heading in that direction.

My unsolicited advice to you however is this: You don't seem ready for a relationship. You admittedly do not know how to set boundaries and communicate your needs.

Say if a man were trying to get intimate with you, and he was really into it, and didnt notice your expression or demeanor change... he's not a mind reader is he? and you said you can't say no. What if you 2 have sex? is he then guilty of rape because he wasn't able to read your "no" reaction accurately? I foresee huge complications and possible danger in the light of the information that you are unable to communicate needs and wish others to read your reactions and behave accordingly.

I suggest you seek some therapy to help you with your communication problems, and maybe even with your intimacy issue if that suites you. Because once you have firm guidance in these areas, dating will be less complicated for you and the person you choose to date.

Bless your heart, I think love is for everyone, and I don't think you're creepy at all. I do hope this response is received in the helpful spirit it was sent

The problem of another person not knowing about my shyness and issues with intimacy is that they may try to force something on the first date (actually, I'm about 100% sure they will) and I react negatively to it or just run away (which has happened), they'll just assume I'm not interested or something.

I'm afraid that I can't do therapy as therapists have broken my trust enough that I can't trust them and I don't really see how therapy would work without trust. I also wouldn't feel comfortable talking about these issues as they will be minimized or I'll be embarrassed.

I've gotten a lot of negative feedback on my emotional reactions and sharing how I feel...I just don't feel comfortable doing that anymore. I'm tired of my feelings being minimized, people getting angry with me for sharing feelings with them etc.

And also, I would consider what you said above rape, because I can at least physically resist—that should be enough of an indication.

And maybe I'm NOT ready for a relationship...but I don't know how to get my emotional etc. needs met otherwise. And I may never be ready for a relationship...especially with no dating experience to learn how deal with these situations.

Originally Posted by Tamster

A friend on PC plays this song to me now and then in chat to remind me that we are all beautiful including me. It has helped me along with his unconditional support to beleive in myself more.

Yes, that's a good song. Thanks!

Originally Posted by Inedible

The people who are most likely to get to know you and to first like you for who you are - then love you - are the ones most likely to be conscious of having baggage of their own. "...like they always do." tells me that you expect to be treated this way and people pick up on this. Anyway, it is entirely possible that there are already people in your life who would just be grateful for a chance to get naked with you and they just don't realize that maybe you would be willing to overlook their problems. Not all baggage is visible, even in the nude. The thing is, if you are pushing them away and they are pushing you away then the hookup is not likely to occur. So. If you consistently find yourself attracted to people who treat you the same way, then maybe you should consider other people - the ones you aren't really drawn to. There may be potential there.

As for love, I agree that it has a tendency to overlook and minimize flaws. At the same time, though, someone who really loves you should want to help you become the best person you can be. This means helping you to change the things you can change. For the most part, I think that scars and stretch marks just need a few years to fade. The acne may be fixable, starting with things like tea tree oil, antibiotics, drinking more water, and avoiding highly processed foods. Stress probably plays a role as well; any condition it doesn't actually cause is often made worse by stress. Someone who loves you will want to help you to feel better about yourself. When they look at you, you want them to really look and really see you. If they have to look past something, it means they aren't completely accepting you for who you are. Being ignored - even your flaws - hurts, especially from someone you love.

Are you saying, approach people to date that I'm not interested in and ignore people that I am interested in? I was thinking of just waiting around and see if anyone approaches me. I'm getting the feeling that in the midwest US that it isn't quite appropriate for a girl to approach a guy. Or simply pursue women instead and explore that realm of my sexuality. It's just that that makes me very nervous too as I don't know to what degree I'm really attracted to girls. But at least there's not the fear that they're going to hurt me.

[winter4me]

I think it is a shame you had bad experiences with therapists, it seems like you have issues that would be well dealt with over time with a therapist you can trust.
Do you want to be in a relationship that would lead to sex? Meaning, do you feel sexually attracted to men? Women? Both? You might want to check out the gender issues forum if yes but having issues. You say you wouldn't worry about a girl hurting you---have you been abused? (you don't have to answer that of course)--- I think, if you do begin a relationship, and it is fine for a girl to express an interest in a man, and it is also ok to set some boundaries at the start in regards to physical contact etc. I'm a little unclear on the guy you had the problem with----did you continue to contact him after he told you not to? You say he wanted to talk to you. Do you know what about? Has he spoken with you in a way that was not mean? With him, I would recommend no contact at this point.
Nothing you have said about yourself would be a deal breaker.
Do you still self-harm? If so, please do check out that forum to talk with others who do and have done the same. It sounds like you may have to work on developing your own interests, get involved in some activities that don't feel threatening where you can be around people without having to be "with" someone.
You might even want to give therapy another try...if you find someone you can trust it can be a great help. We all feel vulnerable, embarrassed, and otherwise uncertain at times, it is hard to open up but important to be able to do that some place that is safe for you.

[Inedible]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

Are you saying, approach people to date that I'm not interested in and ignore people that I am interested in? I was thinking of just waiting around and see if anyone approaches me. I'm getting the feeling that in the midwest US that it isn't quite appropriate for a girl to approach a guy. Or simply pursue women instead and explore that realm of my sexuality. It's just that that makes me very nervous too as I don't know to what degree I'm really attracted to girls. But at least there's not the fear that they're going to hurt me.

You were saying that you are consistently attracted to men who end up being cruel to you. I am saying that the next one you find yourself attracted to will probably also be cruel to you, unless you are willing to consider breaking the pattern. There may be men in your life already who are interested in you who you would not normally consider. Or women, like you are saying.

The midwest is a big region. As far as I have seen it is acceptable for the woman to express interest first. That is, in Kansas, Illinois, and Iowa. In general, actually, it is common for the woman to be in charge; even when the man appears to get things going, it is usually after picking up on signs that his interest will be welcome.

Maybe some martial arts classes would help with your confidence. Aikido, for example.

Originally Posted by winter4me

I think it is a shame you had bad experiences with therapists, it seems like you have issues that would be well dealt with over time with a therapist you can trust.
Do you want to be in a relationship that would lead to sex? Meaning, do you feel sexually attracted to men? Women? Both? You might want to check out the gender issues forum if yes but having issues. You say you wouldn't worry about a girl hurting you---have you been abused? (you don't have to answer that of course)--- I think, if you do begin a relationship, and it is fine for a girl to express an interest in a man, and it is also ok to set some boundaries at the start in regards to physical contact etc. I'm a little unclear on the guy you had the problem with----did you continue to contact him after he told you not to? You say he wanted to talk to you. Do you know what about? Has he spoken with you in a way that was not mean? With him, I would recommend no contact at this point.
Nothing you have said about yourself would be a deal breaker.
Do you still self-harm? If so, please do check out that forum to talk with others who do and have done the same. It sounds like you may have to work on developing your own interests, get involved in some activities that don't feel threatening where you can be around people without having to be "with" someone.
You might even want to give therapy another try...if you find someone you can trust it can be a great help. We all feel vulnerable, embarrassed, and otherwise uncertain at times, it is hard to open up but important to be able to do that some place that is safe for you.

That event happened almost two years ago. And I don't plan on getting over it anytime soon really. He has since started at least acting nice to me, although I probably won't have more contact with him because I graduated.

I do want to be in a sexual relationship. I think I am occasionally sexually attracted to men...just not on the same level as typical "straight" girls. And I'm either repulsed by them or attracted to them, there isn't too much grey area, so I can't imagine dating someone I wasn't VERY attracted to. I just have trouble telling who I'm really attracted to and who I just bond to easier. I'm trying to gauge my sexual interest in whether or not I would ever be able to allow foreplay and whether or not I'd be turned off by it or not. Or by the thought of it at least. Based on this criteria, I would say, I'm attracted to one guy, who I haven't seen in a year. I'm not sure if I'll ever see him again. Also, if I did make the first move, it would scare him off. I don't think he would react rudely, but I probably wouldn't even have the chance to be friends with him because he would be more scared/intimidated around me than he was.

And this is what would happen with virtually any guy, so if I make the first move, I look like a predator.

I've been involved in other things that put me around people, but it makes me feel worse to be around people who are with other people (or have been at least) and I haven't. How do I relate to them? It just makes me upset.

I do still occasionally self-harm, but it's not really a problem anymore.

If there was a way to "screen" potential therapists so I could search through several dozen without having to go to an actual appointment with each, I might consider going back to therapy. But I really have a hard time seeing it helping.

Originally Posted by Inedible

You were saying that you are consistently attracted to men who end up being cruel to you. I am saying that the next one you find yourself attracted to will probably also be cruel to you, unless you are willing to consider breaking the pattern. There may be men in your life already who are interested in you who you would not normally consider. Or women, like you are saying.

The midwest is a big region. As far as I have seen it is acceptable for the woman to express interest first. That is, in Kansas, Illinois, and Iowa. In general, actually, it is common for the woman to be in charge; even when the man appears to get things going, it is usually after picking up on signs that his interest will be welcome.

Maybe some martial arts classes would help with your confidence. Aikido, for example.

That's why I completely disregard any attraction I have for anyone (male or female). It's inappropriate anyway usually. It always seems inappropriate to think of someone in that way, and I'm quite ashamed of some of the thoughts I've had.

I might take up something like archery or fencing, but probably not martial arts because:
1. With martial arts you have to touch other people (or come into direct contact with them) and they would touch you.
2. There's a much higher chance of getting hit in the face and destroying any hope of a career as a musician with martial arts.

I'm not sure that my body would be able to stand up to it...I was trying out bows earlier and it might do more harm than good to my body. Oh well, maybe I just haven't found the right bow yet.