[Torani]

My boyfriend and I have never agreed on his porn usage. i Cant telll you how many times we have fought over this. His porn usage makes me feel terribly insecure. It bothers me so much. He has told me that he sees nothing wrong with it and will never change. I have tried to live with it for the sake of holding our family together but I recently found out that he waits till I fall asleep at night, watches porn then wakes me up to have sex. I confronted him and he apologized and says he wont look at porn before having sex with me anymore.

I am hurt and I feel used. I cant look at him without feeling completely disgusted with him. Dont I deserve more than this? Are all men like this?

I am tired of feeling so bad...... like i am not good enough for him and NOW I feel used, like he has to look at someone else to have sex with me.

I have not let myself go, Im still thin and attractive. I havent denied him what he needs. Why ?

[Leed]

How often does he look at porn? Every day? All day? Once a day for how long?

I think alot depends on how often he does this and for how long. Personally I don't see the difference between looking at a Playboy magazine or looking at Porn. It's how often he does it and for how long.

You should be confident enough in his love that it shouldn't bother you. If he doesn't MAKE you confident enough in his love, that's another story.

Don't threaten him or withhold sex from him in order to get him to stop -- that's no way to get anything done. Withholding love is shooting yourself in the foot. You'll just drive him somewhere else. That's not what you're trying to do!!

Try to compromise -- ASK him if he'll designate a certain amount of time watching it, and let it go at that. Don't make him STOP. Just compromise. Just because he's watching it doesn't make YOU any less of a woman. You shouldn't be THAT insecure. You're still good enough for him. That's why he's with you! So stop fighting about it, ok? God bless & please take care. Hugs, Lee

[hamster-bamster]

Well he wakes YOU up because he wants to have sex with YOU. Did you notice that?

[hamster-bamster]

Another thing... if YOU initiate sex, then he will not be looking at porn prior to sex. Problem solved for you.

[Harley47]

Well, I'd tell you that if is porn usage makes you insecure, he should stop. I feel like porn in a relationship is something that needs to be comfortable for both partners. I also find is assertion that he "will never change" is stubborn and inconsiderate, given what you're asking of him.

On the other hand, I do think Leed gave good advice on the whole. Try talking to him about it and seeing if some sort of compromise is obtainable. If he INSISTS on doing this, he should at least have the courtesy to not do it in a manner that upsets you, as best he can (if that makes sense).

And no...all men are not like this. I don't mean to offer myself as some sort of male paragon (far from it, trust me), but I view porn fairly frequently, but only when I'm single. Most guys I know, myself included, delete/quit it once they enter a relationship. For me, I find it almost disloyal to my partner. However, do bear in mind that is only my view of it. He may not share that view, and thus doesn't understand how his behavior affects you at all.

And Hamster, I think Torani's argument isn't rooted in that she feels sexually unwanted as much as she may be feeling like his sexual "second choice." He is getting aroused by the porn, yet satisfying himself with Torani. That, I believe, is the problem she cites when mentioning that. Please correct me if I am mistaken in my assessment, Torani.

I wish you both my best Torani, and I hope you are able to find a compromise with this.

My best,
Harley

[Victoria_20]

Originally Posted by Torani

My boyfriend and I have never agreed on his porn usage. i Cant telll you how many times we have fought over this. His porn usage makes me feel terribly insecure. It bothers me so much. He has told me that he sees nothing wrong with it and will never change. I have tried to live with it for the sake of holding our family together but I recently found out that he waits till I fall asleep at night, watches porn then wakes me up to have sex. I confronted him and he apologized and says he wont look at porn before having sex with me anymore.

I am hurt and I feel used. I cant look at him without feeling completely disgusted with him. Dont I deserve more than this? Are all men like this?

I am tired of feeling so bad...... like i am not good enough for him and NOW I feel used, like he has to look at someone else to have sex with me.

I have not let myself go, Im still thin and attractive. I havent denied him what he needs. Why ?

It used to bug the crap outta me too... Until I started watching it too... Not as much of course. But now it doesn't bother me. You just have to realize that it's all a fantasy. It's not real. He's not having sex with them.

[doyoutrustme]

I have been there. I have gone from mad and jealous, was also invalidated and told there was nothing wrong with it. When I went online I was googling about the subject and there were so many threads like this one. If you were more available, he wouldn't watch it. everyone does it. oh i watch it too. bla bla bla.

till I started therapy, and my T informed me that H has the problem- not me. And that allowing him to watch porn when it had such a bad affect on me (even when I was past the point of it activly bothering me) was enabling it. He actually suggested marital counseling. So, its tough, but he is starting to realize that if I feel it is a problem, he realizes its a problem. And despite that, he can't seem to actually stop. Addiction much?

[whenwillitend]

Porn is something that has never bothered me. Like someone else said, it's just a fantasy. And I think it's something most men do, openly or in secret.
It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, or that you're not attractive, or second choice. It's just something he enjoys, something that is fun for him.
Do you not have fantasies that revolve around sex? (No need to answer that here, just ask yourself.)

I really don't think that a man who enjoys porn will ever quit. He might hide it and *say* he quit, but I really don't think he will. And I don't think you can make a man quit watching porn.

When I married my husband (we had only dated for three months prior to getting married) he thought he had to hide his porn too. I kept telling him it doesn't bother me, and he doesn't need to hide it. But it took a couple of years before it clicked with him that yes, it really doesn't bother me.

Maybe you could sit down calmly with your boyfriend and talk about it. Let him know how it makes you feel, calmly, without accusations, just "you watching porn and then having sex with me makes me feel like your second choice". And then give him the chance to explain what porn means to him. Why he watches it. And maybe you'll discover and understand that it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Maybe such a talk will make you feel better.

Have you ever tried watching some porn WITH him? (Again, no need to answer here.) That could be helpful too.

I hope this was just a little bit helpful. Good luck!

[shezbut]

((((Torani))))

I wish that I had some helpful words of advice for you.

How long have you been with your bf? Has this porn-usage increased over time, or been level throughout your relationship? Do you have children together? (It sounds like something is holding you there, despite your misery..) Are you two on the same schedule for work and sleep, or is he later & spending his down-time on the computer while you're sleeping?

I hope that some of the Q's people have asked, and remarks that most people made help you work through this big challenge. Very best wishes to you!!

[Torani]

Well I appreciate your advice. He is watching it daily. He has more pictures of other women on his phone than of his own family.

To fill you in, me not fighting with him about porn WAS my comprimise with him, until I found out he was watching it before having sex with me. No, I am not impressed in any way that he would wake ME up to have sex with ME, after he has gotten turned on but the image of another woman.. He may as well cheat, cause I dont want to be his outlet. He can cheat then, I really dont care. Some girls may take that as a compliment but I do not. I think its lowly and insulting.

I do not withhold sex, I just no longer desire to sleep with him. what about his porn usage is sexy to me in anyway? It doesnt turn me on that he does it. Why should I have to accept it? to make him happy? If he cared about my happiness that might be an option but its not more important than his porn.

I dont doubt that he loves me. but why not spend that energy on me then?

[Torani]

PS, I am not a fan of porn... I didnt grow up with it, I dont want to watch it with him. Id rather make my own porn with my partner than watch other people have sex...

[Anika.]

I actually agree with you. Sorry but I wouldn't find it flattering either. The how he is using it, I don't actually think that is so great. Wouldn't make me feel great either. I especially don't like other people telling others how they should feel about porn or assuming their way is correct. There are numerous reasons why someone may like or may not like porn. And it doesn't exactly all come down to jealousy like some people assume either. Just because some are ok with it and some became ok with it, doesn't mean what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Not ALL men do watch porn.. generalizations suck. It's not just a man thing, some people do.. some people don't.

I don't think you are wrong here. It's not like you told him he can't ever watch it, you are trying to be felxible even if you don't like it. That is not the case here, and yes if you are supposed to compromise with him, what is he supposed to do.. whatever pleases him with no thought given to you. Sounds kinda like that could become a me me me only type of deal. How is that healthy or good? Maybe he does need to consider your feelings as well and also do some work here? It's not a one way street, relationships don't work that way. It's a team built on mutual love and respect for one another, without that.. then I dunno.

I am not sure what you can do if he isn't going to consider you in this. I really don't know. How is the rest of the relationship outside of this?

Originally Posted by Torani

Well I appreciate your advice. He is watching it daily. He has more pictures of other women on his phone than of his own family.

To fill you in, me not fighting with him about porn WAS my comprimise with him, until I found out he was watching it before having sex with me. No, I am not impressed in any way that he would wake ME up to have sex with ME, after he has gotten turned on but the image of another woman.. He may as well cheat, cause I dont want to be his outlet. He can cheat then, I really dont care. Some girls may take that as a compliment but I do not. I think its lowly and insulting.

I do not withhold sex, I just no longer desire to sleep with him. what about his porn usage is sexy to me in anyway? It doesnt turn me on that he does it. Why should I have to accept it? to make him happy? If he cared about my happiness that might be an option but its not more important than his porn.

I dont doubt that he loves me. but why not spend that energy on me then?

I can understand it bothering you especially when he wants to have sex with you after looking at porn. The thing is he's using porn to get aroused and not YOU then he uses you for the satisfaction afterward. of course you feel used. I'm not going to say generally that porn itself is the bad part here, it's the way that he's doing it that bothers me. he should be able to get aroused with you and have sex with you not the way it's occurring. I would say that some would say it's better that he does that than get satisfaction with the porn itself but the problem with that is that the sex with you should be all about you not the images or videos he saw prior to coming to you.

I don't know if he would be open to this but I think that you should ask him to just have sex with you and do it without the porn. I don't think that's unfair, if you allow him to view it but not in those cases I think it should be a good compromise.

Originally Posted by Anika.

Sounds kinda like that could become a me me me only type of deal.

I think it already is a "me me me" situation. Thing is if he's looking at the stuff and then getting satisfaction, it is all about him. Do you think he's coming to her because he wants or cares about satisfying her in those instances? I highly doubt it. It's about him getting the satisfaction after by using her for this purpose.

[Anika.]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I think it already is a "me me me" situation. Thing is if he's looking at the stuff and then getting satisfaction, it is all about him. Do you think he's coming to her because he wants or cares about satisfying her in those instances? I highly doubt it. It's about him getting the satisfaction after by using her for this purpose.

No I don't think so he is. I guess what I mean by me me me , is me me in all aspects of the relationship, not just with this part. I would feel pretty much how Torani does if this were me.

[Ladyzero]

I agree with Victoria and the other posters who said it's just FANTASY. Not real.
Could you compromise and see what excites him. I personally see no harm in porn, for either a man or woman UNLESS it overtakes real life. I as a woman, enjoy porn, all sorts even lesbian porn but I am definately straight.
I love my man looking at porn, am I in the minority here, odd ?
We look at porn together, he shows me what he likes and we both get hugely turned on, and swap fantasies. To see him appreciating the female form is exciting, I encourage him to tell me what he'd do even, in the various situations because it's NOT REAL.
We fantasise of 3somes etc but again, they are just that, fantasy. No way, in real life would a 3some happen or would he be encouraged to 'choose his favourite' from a group of women.

Your man is not deceiving you nor is he using you. Sure, the porn ignites his spark, but it's YOU who lights the fire. If you were second best, he'd be out looking for his thrills elsewhere. He wouldn't have sex with you if he didnt desire you.

Relax, compromise, agree how much sole porn time he has, and maybe have porn time together. Make it fun.

You might even get turned on by it yourself, afterall it's just fantasyland, and we all need to go there once in a while.

Try it, you may surprise yourself !

Good luck, enjoy !

[Anika.]

Sorry but she already said she is not a fan and doesn't want to watch it with him. Why is that not ok, she already did compromise. I am curious why people insist that because they are ok with it, you could be or should be too.

Maybe she wants some romance or something, maybe something more intimate than him watching porn, waking her up..doing it and back to sleep? I am really confused why that is her problem that she needs to fix alone. Seems like it is overtaking real life when you can't have sex with your wife or husband without it? It also turns her off, so that's a bit of a problem. This her sex life just as much as it is his. I really don't get it sorry.

I don't like porn. I know my bf watches it and he can do that, isn't an issue. Do I have to watch it too, or with him? I don't like porn because of sexual abuse I went through as a child, and as a teen and again as an adult. Not to mention other problems with sex industries that I just choose not to support personally. So telling people to just get over it and watch it, despite that they do not want to seems well, short sighted. Just because some people are good with it, doesn't mean everyone else should be too. She seems tolerant enough that he does watch it, but come on.. she isn't asking for that much. Unless his wants trump hers.

I really am actually curious as to why this is the case, I am speaking for myself here.. I see this all the time here and I do not get it.

[Ladyzero]

I obviously hadn't read all her posts properly.
However I was not insisting on her trying to enjoy porn, I was making suggestions. A whole different thing.

People have many reasons for not liking porn, having been abused as you say being one. That is a whole separate issue. That is different. Many say porn degrades women etc. A 101 reasons to dislike it, but its a personal choice. I see no harm at all in it, as I said as long as like anything it doesn't take over. Not being able to have sex without it, becomes a problem.

I stick by my suggestions but accept in this case sharing the pastime is not an option. It does no harm to try , different approaches.

I was not previously, or am not now INSISTING on any tactics to help with this problem, but merely making SUGGESTIONS !

[LadyShadow]

Of all what I have read, I agree that she does not have to be the only one making changes. Why does she have to force herself to enjoy something that she feels uncomfortable with all for the sake of making HIM happy when he is just using HER for sex after he gets turned on by women in porn?

Also it IS a fantasy, and it is healthy when you are open about it and with each other, but not all couples are so open. Some people are reserved. My bf says "ew" when I mention porn, but I'm sure he watches it and frequently because lets face it, I LOVE porn. But he finds it offensive, so I don't mention it. I wouldn't make him change his beliefs because I enjoy something. It has to be mutual or it won't be fun at all. And another thing, porn and masturbation is something I enjoy doing privately, I wouldn't want to share it with him anyway.

Anyway, all I am saying is, it seems like she is being asked to do a whole lot of changing and compromising when he is making her feel cheap and dirty. You don't have to deal with that Torani. Not all men are like that, at all

[oceancries]

If he doesnt seem to care about what you want and need, maybe you should consider leaving him for a better catch?

[Anika.]

I never said you specifically insisted LadyZero, and yes since she already stated it and pretty much doesn't seem ok with it personally, it can seem like people try to overlook that part. I wasn't pointing you out, as I said I see this often here, and I really don't understand why. Like you said you didn't see all her posts, but sometimes people do and make light of it or try to change the persons mind. I hope that makes sense... trust me it was not an attack. Insisting was probably not the right word. I guess what I mean is......

Just wonder why the suggestions keep coming back to her alone, and not both people involved. I think the self esteem can be worked on, but it wouldn't really do him any harm to perhaps be a little more considerate of her feelings in this as well, wouldn't hurt him to compromise and give her what she needs too.

Thank you for answering tho, I have always wondered on this issue. You were not the only person who shared that opinion. But I thought I might as well put it out there and ask. Your post did confuse me a bit about your bf.

[jennifersullivan]

perhaps he needs higher help, people can be addicted to porn like some are addicted to alcohol...he may not be able to control it on his own...he may need to see a t

[brokenwings75]

They will never stop. In the end it will always be us that has to endure or conform somehow even to the point of changing how our mind works. They will not change theirs. I am currently still battling this issue with my husband. It had gotten so bad to the point of me developing extreme anxiety and Body Dysmorphic Disorder and loss of sex drive. I compulsively go to the gym almost everyday and now am currently on 4 different medications. I lost my job too as a result of my stress and anxiety. My husband says it is impossible for men to stop. Me and my husband are considering taking me to neurofeedback therapy because my brain simply can accept this and I feel constantly under attack by it. A week ago we went to vegas for 3 days. there was no porn and no other women that he was masterbating to. And we had sex! I felt no threats and nothing invading that sacred thing that should be between me and him. His sexual attention was on me and it felt wonderful and I was able to let go and give myself to him. I wish things could always be that way but sadly we had to return home and those women are back and I am stuck in this reality again. I am at the point of praying for numbness. They will not stop no matter how much they claim to love us. Women will always sacrafice for love. So whenever he does something nice for you like buy you flowers or take you on a vacation, brings you a gift or simply just works and provides for you while you stay home......take comfort in that. Appreciate that. He knows he has been hurting you and these things are his way or trying to make it up to you. Perhaps they are just helpless slaves to their own demons.