How do I know?

How do I know if I am overreacting/overly sensitive/unreasonable or if he's just saying that because he's mad?

I know that I do overreact on occasion and can be emotional/hormonal at certain times of the month. I'm fully aware of this and pretty much know when I do it. But why does H say that I'm overreacting or being unreasonable every time I get upset? Is he just saying that because he doesn't like my reaction regardless of whether it's reasonable or not?

How do I know or figure it out without basing it on what he tells me?

Only you can know what feels right about your choice of responses to what you feel and think. Men do literally think/experience things differently than women do and can be fond of throwing around words like "reasonable" or "logical/illogical". But feeling is not about logic or reason! What logic does a pretty flower have or how reasonable is wanting your own way (you can't want someone else's after all, you are stuck in your own skin/life and can't represent anyone else and no one else can, you)?

I would get comfortable with myself and how I express myself and, as it sounds like you have done, know when you have difficulties staying as balanced as you would like? Someone else's reasonable/unreasonable cries are often because they perceive themselves as "losing" something and don't quite know how else to express it. But we are not responsible for how other people view us, can't really do much about that and can only help them with their language or expression difficulties in limited ways.

The best/most helpful way to proceed in an argument when someone else tries to label you negatively is to get interested and say something like, "Do you think so? What behavior of mine are you perceiving as unreasonable?" and try to get beyond the 2-year-old equivalent of "You're a poopy head!" and their threatening not to play with you anymore. What they say and do is all about them and their perception, not you.

Perna is absolutely right. Men like to throw this "hormonal" stuff at us because we are women, and they have HEARD that hormones can make us "crazy."

We know that hormones CAN play a part in how we react, but they certainly do NOT make us "crazy." My ex used to tell me ALL the time that I was "over-reacting" or that I was "too sensitive" and a host of other things. That in turn would make me MAD and he KNEW it would. He would say those things to trigger me! THEN he could say that he was RIGHT!

You know in your heart and mind exactly how you feel. Don't let someone else TRY to tell you how you feel. And that's exactly what he's doing -- trying to tell you how you feel. Be more secure in your mind -- only YOU can know your own feelings. He cannot! He can only know his own.

God bless you my friend, and please take care of YOU. Let us know how you're doing, okay? Gentle hugs, Lee

My partner sometimes says I have overreacted to something he has done. But I simply say that I do not care! They are my feelings, therefore they are valid, just as his are to me when he is annoyed or something. I tell him that if something has upset me, then I would like to talk it over and I try to do it when am calmer later on.

I think one of our issues is that H has very little tolerance for conflict in general. If I get upset about something (whether I try to talk about it calmly and rationally or yell and get angry) he gets very defensive and starts pointing out my faults. It's very difficult to have a conversation about anything serious with him.

We went out a couple nights ago and he was angry that I brought up one of our things (I figured it was a safe time because we were calm and I asked nicely and the kids weren't around) he was not happy and said I always try to ruin the evening by bringing stuff up instead of enjoying the moment.

I think I'm trying to take advantage of the moment to have a discussion but perhaps I'm subconsciously trying to invoke an argument. I don't think so but maybe...?

Maybe. But you also should be able to discuss things without it turning into a fight. For someone who doesn't like conflict, why does he point out all your faults? Do you get angry when he does that? I am wondering if his actions do indeed cause the conflict he so hates.

It's hard living with someone like that. Have you ever thought of couples therapy or would he not go? Perhaps a third person may be what he needs to understand that you are allowed to voice any complaints, and the way he behaves will create resentment.

Hugs

We tried couples therapy (just recently actually) after I begged for 2 years and after a handful of sessions she suggested we seek individual counseling. He spent a lot of our sessions blaming me and not being accountable for his part in our problems

I'm about 50/50 on responding to him when he gets angry. Sometimes I think he is baiting me. Other times I just get so irritated that we can't have a discussion without it turning into "but you do this" or "I wouldn't have if you didn't" that I don't even bother trying to bite my tongue.