[Miller3136]

Okay, so this is going to sound ridiculous and its going to be a long post, so bare with me. Here I go. I have been with my current boyfriend going on four years in September. Now for a little background. Before I met him he was married to his high school sweetheart, they had a daughter. Soon after ( I mean it, like right after) she was born his now ex-wife would go out all hours of the night and sleep all day. He raised his daughter. She started having affairs too. He took this really really hard. I say this because to this day (six years after) he says he won't marry again and went so far to have a vasectomy. It took him two years to tell me he loves me. My BIG dilemma is I want marriage and kid. We have talked about the marriage thing and he didn't say no but more like way way down the road. As for kids, at one point he said he wanted a kid with me but since has been admit on no more kids. (FYI he was still sleeping with his wife while separated and she had a boy.) He says he won't let anyone in ever again, he has me some what but he can't handle in depth emotional conversations either. And he is against going to doctors for help. Ugh.
I should have taken the hint and left a long time ago but now I feel so invested into him and the kiddos. I just don't know what to do. Thinking about being without him and me breaking him, and the kids. One of the hardest thing is the kids. its too much. I instantly turn into a weeping baby. He said he would never love again, but that changed, marriage may change, but the kid thing. I just don't know.
I just don't know what to do because the longer I wait the harder it will be. I just want some advice. Do I hang in and he will come around. Or do I sit and just lay it out and let the ball in his court. Frick, never been good at this stuff.

[hamster-bamster]

Was the vasectomy reversible?

Even reversible may be hard to reverse though.

[Miller3136]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Was the vasectomy reversible?

Even reversible may be hard to reverse though.

The paper said it was reversible, which is what gives me hope. The running joke is that at least he has an identical twin brother, and its the twin brother that cracked that one.
There is so much more than to what I said but for length sake I cut it down as much as possible.

[hamster-bamster]

He is a coward. I would try to detach from him, applying concerted efforts towards detaching yourself. If that fails, then, well, we would conclude that this is your lot in life, but you will have tried, at least.

Best!

[liveforfish]

Sounds like he was hurt real bad. Heartache that deep takes time to heal from. I'm surprised you've been in a relationship as long as you have without love and commitment.

Is that healthy for you?

[Miller3136]

Originally Posted by liveforfish

Sounds like he was hurt real bad. Heartache that deep takes time to heal from. I'm surprised you've been in a relationship as long as you have without love and commitment.

Is that healthy for you?

It has been a long time. I understand why he behaves they way he does, and even the things he has done. I am not sure if it healthy or not. When I am with him I glad to be there but part of me feels like I am wasting my time which I hate feeling and when we are apart, its unbearable. I understand it takes time to heal and he has come such a long way, I can't take that for granted. I just feel like I have given so much of myself and that has been taken for granted. Although that is my fault too, I shouldn't have given so much. So yeah, who knows.

[healingme4me]

The desire to have your own children, sounds like it will be huge decision for you, as far as what to do with this relationship.

Wanting to have children, can be huge for some.

When you mention, you know why he behaves the way he does, leaves me wondering, what type of behavior?

What a rash decision to get a vasectomy, because his gf/wife cheated. Sounds like he was young, doing that, too??

[hamster-bamster]

How old are you now?

[Pink santa]

I feel that you should give him some time, he should come through eventually, but i do understand your eagerness, and it might be struggling to deal with him not wanting to get help, but anything that is good is worth waiting for.. i wish you well.

[~Christina]

You have time invested in this but you really need to look at the whole picture..

Are you willing to give up the idea of having a child? will you regret it later?
People get hurt and cheated on, his refusal to love again seems extreme to be honest.
You and him have been together for 4 years... what binds you together? yes you love him.. but why does he stay? that is something that you really need answers to, i think at least.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

[Miller3136]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

The desire to have your own children, sounds like it will be huge decision for you, as far as what to do with this relationship.

Wanting to have children, can be huge for some.

When you mention, you know why he behaves the way he does, leaves me wondering, what type of behavior?

What a rash decision to get a vasectomy, because his gf/wife cheated. Sounds like he was young, doing that, too??

When I mentioned how he behaves at first it was doing stuff to push me away, to hurt me. But from an emotionally abusive relationship that stuff just doesn't effect me anymore. I understand he doesn't want to get close so he doesn't have to feel again. Basically a fear response. And in the beginning I would ask a question and he would say something like its a guy thing. His way of avoiding. I called his bs and he has opened up more through the years and if the conversation starts getting deep he now just says I don't want to talk about it. Um, there was a period where we weren't together, and he dated this girl, stayed at her house and then would bring her over, mind you I still lived with him, and sleep in the same bed, hold hands and such. For the two weeks he dated her, he barely saw his kids. I had them all the time. We were out of the house a lot cause I didn't want them seeing that and getting confused. His daughter the social bubble just saw her as a friend but his son clung to me for dear life. I didn't sleep in a bed for those two weeks, it was either on the recliner or on the floor in the kids room with them putting there hand or leg on me to make sure I was there. So the attachment to the kids is deep. He said that he realized then that he loved me but still didn't say anything for another year. And the only reason it lasted two weeks was because he missed me too much. He apologized for everything and say he was wrong and if I don't want him anymore that he would understand. But being the understanding, possibly naive person I am I took him back.

And the vasectomy was something that was coming anyway, it just happened as soon as we started dating. He confessed once that he did want a kid with me, but whether that will happen who knows.

[Miller3136]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

How old are you now?

I am 24 but that will change come September.. (: He is four years older and his birthday is October. We are four years and 26 days apart.

[Miller3136]

Originally Posted by Pink santa

I feel that you should give him some time, he should come through eventually, but i do understand your eagerness, and it might be struggling to deal with him not wanting to get help, but anything that is good is worth waiting for.. i wish you well.

Thank you and I feel like I should give him time but how much longer till then. I am so very close to my grandparents and want my Papa and Dad to take me down the isle. Rather in person than spirit. But I guess if I stay I will deal with it when time comes.

[hamster-bamster]

I think this is not a crisis, since you are still very young. How old are Papa/Dad though? I think the only sense of urgency that is valid comes from your understandable desire to have Papa/Dad walk you down the aisle. I do not see any true sense of urgency coming from your turning 25...

[Miller3136]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

You have time invested in this but you really need to look at the whole picture..

Are you willing to give up the idea of having a child? will you regret it later?
People get hurt and cheated on, his refusal to love again seems extreme to be honest.
You and him have been together for 4 years... what binds you together? yes you love him.. but why does he stay? that is something that you really need answers to, i think at least.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

First off thank you,
I keep thinking of not having a kid but when I see someone pregnant or someone who has a kid I feel slightly jealous cause I do want that experience. And I feel like I would regret it but am not sure. Something I have to really dig down deep for.

What binds us? I don't know there is a lot I feel. The way he moves, the way he talks, his smile, his cheesy grin, the way he is with his kids. The way we are together when things are good. We are so solid together when things are well. We enjoy practically the same things, and are both compassionate about helping others, we are both big on family. The way he smells too. Its just a whole boast of things. He loves the way I am, I can be feminine but remain mainly tomboy. He loves what I do for the kids and how I do what I can to make them and him happy.

[hamster-bamster]

It does sound like a lot bonds you and that the bond is very genuine - what with your attraction to his smell, which is a very primal attraction.

What if you were to get pregnant by another man or a donor? Would the guy still raise YOUR kid? You are raising HIS, no?..

[Miller3136]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

It does sound like a lot bonds you and that the bond is very genuine - what with your attraction to his smell, which is a very primal attraction.

What if you were to get pregnant by another man or a donor? Would the guy still raise YOUR kid? You are raising HIS, no?..

When we did have that small conversation I mentioned either or and he didn't say no but he didn't really answer either. Which for him that means its a possibility but one he won't think about for a while. We could save the money to have it reversed, see about his twin brother (kind of awkward though) or yes adopt or find a donor. With him its like if you have an idea and he more so against it, the more it is hinted at over a period of time the more he comes into it. So that is also what helps me hold on. We have to take the kids to their moms after the weekend is over cause they are in school. It is about an hour drive and we talked all the way there and back about what kind of house we wanted and animals and all that planning stuff. So as it seems, he wants me in his future. But there are days when I think has crept in, cause there is a noticeable difference. Mainly trust wise.

[hamster-bamster]

Using the twin brother would be quite Biblical .