over reacting

Hi everyone..
my husband likes internet porn(probably normal for a man). I also found images of past girlfriends in uncompromising positions (o.k its his past).
He likes to take photos of women, he has done this since being with me and the thing that upsets me the most is the trance he goes into whenever a young girl walks past. All of this combined is making me very unhappy. I havent told him this, we dont communicate very much. He only has to raise his voice and i back down from anything i want to say. Am i over reacting to all of this? I keep getting conflicting messages on what makes a man... a man...
Thanks for reading this...This is my first post

Sounds like you two may need some help in learning how to talk to about difficult issues. Marriage counselors do this for a living. Is there a chance he would go with you? Sometimes it helps just to have someone else there to encourage a conversation to take place.

It's great that you see the issue is a problem for you and you would like to work on it. That's a big step. Take care.

Emmy

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- The Dalai Lama

Thanks for your reply. Yes i think we do need to sort things out. I think the hardest part is getting the ball rolling Without getting into an argument. Thanks

I dont think you are over reacting at all. I think most men look at internet pornography and women have ben know to look too. It becomes a problem if he does it all of the time. As for him blatently looking at other women when hes with you shows a great lack of consideration for your feelings. It is making you unhappy and I can understand why you would be. You need to face this head on and discuss it fully. Tell him how unhappy this is making you feel.

Gez

I dont think this is going to be resolved. He seems to think it is normal and i'm not. We are going to spend some time apart. His job means we are apart quiet often, but i am going home to see my family and friends for a couple of months. I don't know what the outcome wil be...
Thanks for your support..

I don't think you are over reacting at all. And, this is coming from a man that has had his own issues with sexuality. Lets just say that I have dabbled in some sexual "escapes" that cost me a relationship.

Both men and women (but admittedly more men) can view sex as a utility and not place sufficient emphasis on the emotional connection. At first, this may seem perfectly normal to the person that is engaging in these types of activities. But the reality is that as time goes on partaking in these activities takes time and energy away from the relationship. And, the individual partaking in these activities may find it difficult to get excited when they are with their partner, because they need the "rush" they get from engaging in these things.

So, I don't think you are over reacting. Should you throw in the towel? Probably. With one caveat. IF, and I mean IF he admits that there is a problem. And, IF he agrees to stop and recommitt and reinvest in the relationship then it may be salvagable. He should do some research to find out the devastating consequences that can occur to men that take this to the extreme. These people wind up lonely, isolated, depressed and often times suicidal. They realize, many times too late, that they made a mistake. They realize that what they really wanted and needed was a close, intimate, loving relationship.

Get him to do a little research. Have him read my post if you like. Have him e-mail me. I am willing to do that because it may be too late for me, but if I can help another man from going down the same path that I did that would be a wonderful thing.

There much have been something about him that brought the two of you together. Your decision really boils down to if you want to take the risk of being by his side to help him. But, if you did do that at least you would know for sure if he could change. I think a lot of times it is good men (like me... I'd like to think I am a good person that has made mistakes) that go down ths path. Frankly, I wish that my partner would have stood by me as I worked through this. But, I understand completely why she did not. I know in our case we were a great couple had it not been for my depression (probably caused in large part due to my actions). Ask yourself if there is a strong enough foundation there if you take away his acting out. If there is it may be worth the risk.

I wish you the best.

Good luck.

Thank you for your reply..
Its so good to hear a mans point of view and i must say i appreciate your honesty. I hope things will get resolved, but unfortunatly i have doubts. My trust for him has diminished through his actions...Thankyou again for your reply..

I don't think you are overreacting either. I know lots of women say they don't feel threatened when their husband look at porn, that it's normal for a man to do this, and men will also say it is normal and it means nothing, but I don't really buy that. I mean if a man is single and looks at porn, so what, but if he is married and knows it hurts his wife to do it, then there is a lack of feeling there for his wife. I would be concerned about that lack of feeling.

Also of concern to me, in your case, is the fact that he takes photos of women and keeps them. It sounds to me like he uses women. That makes me wonder if he is using you.

I have some experience in this, as my husband is a big porn fan. When we were first married 11 years ago, I told him that it hurts my feelings, and he raised his voice and told me he will never, ever stop looking at women. When he raises his voice and you back down, he is controlling you and I bet he knows he is doing it, as mine does.

Mine also "goes into a trance" when a young girl walks by. I always ended up just looking at the back of his head when we used to go out; he would turn away from me to watch other women constantly. If he was in a position facing me, like at a dinner table, his eyes would always be over my shoulder looking at other women. His eyes actually glaze over when he does this.

Years later, he still looks at porn but hides it from me; I know he does it and I still feel hurt. I am much less attracted to him than I would have been otherwise, and I do not enjoy having sex with him. That's my reaction to his porn...it has hurt our sex life. Of course the fact that he drools over other women has hurt too.

Anyway, obviously I don't have an answer for you but wanted to tell you that you aren't alone in this and if you're like me, it won't get better for you but it is certainly your choice if you want to live with it or not.

I tend to think that marriage is not a guarantee that life will be perfect, and this is one part of my marriage that is less than perfect. That old song "I never promised you a rose garden" comes to mind.

Good luck to you.

I think the most telling remark you made in your story was this:

" He only has to raise his voice and i back down from anything i want to say. "

If you are afraid of him, then it's just as well you are visiting relatives for a few months. To me, it sounds as if he is drifting away, and making sure you think it is your fault. In my opinion, you have done nothing wrong, and he is way out of line with his closed attitude towards you.

I hope you receive the support and compassion you need from your family wherever they are. This is not a "man" thing, I think it's an insensitive, uncaring thing. Take care of yourself.

I know where you all are coming from.. I found out last year that my boyfriend (31) looks at porn all the time at work, which doesn't really bother me... But he also has cyber sex and phone sex with women and men that he meets in adult chat sites... I have told him many times that I know and all he does is deny it.. Yes it does hurt... It hurts me that he can talk to them like that, but he won't talk to me that way and it also hurts me that he is hiding it from me, when I have confronted him about it and still lied to me.. Yes it does hurt and I agree it is not "normal"

<blockquote><font size=1>In reply to:</font><hr>

I know lots of women say they don't feel threatened when their husband look at porn, that it's normal for a man to do this, and men will also say it is normal and it means nothing, but I don't really buy that. I mean if a man is single and looks at porn, so what

<hr></blockquote>

I hear this quite a bit, and it causes me quite a bit of concern. Porn can be, and often is, an addiction. Just because a man is single, does not make looking at it wise. In doing so, he is establishing a pattern of behavior that will almost certainly carry over into married life. There are several reasons that porn is destructive. 1st, it's a fantasy and an unrealistic fantasy at that. It is practically impossible to have an experience with a real person that even comes close to the fantasy experience. 2nd, When a man looks at porn for an extended period of time, he begins to look at women solely as a sexual object. Hence the turning of the head and the trance that a man goes into looking at some young thing. He is not wondering if she is a good person, if she has problems, hopes, dreams etc. You know what's on his mind. He may even say, "I'm just looking" "I would never actually do anything". But even if that is true, he often carries that attitude over to how he deals with his wife. Thus resulting in a great deal of frustration that she is not treating him like the women in the porn movies do to their partners. Worse, he may not have any real understanding of her hopes, dreams fears etc. After all, if everything is good sexually, what else matters right? pronounced sarcasm. All of this is very destructive to a relationship, as well as self concept of both the man and his wife. So, are you overreacting? IMHO No, there's a problem. Sorry for the long post.
mark

My fiance and I both look at porn, but as a part of a healthy, normal sexual relationship. He very well understands my hopes and dreams and fears as I understand his. I do agree that if porn begins to substitute for a sexual relationship with their partner (this applies to either one in the relationship), then a problem exists. Additionally, porn becomes a problem whenever the porn viewer can not become turned-on without the help of porn. At that point, fantasy is becoming far more important than reality, and additional help is needed. Porn does not make men violent, nor does it "make" them stray. I would have to say that porn is part of the problem when a man (or woman) stares lustfully at potential sex partners, or "goes into a trance", but the fact of the matter is that the person in question has far greater problems than the porn itself - namely, the inability to be considerate of their partner. There will be other outlets as well for this behavior besides sexual. It's just one more way, that's all.

some of it's magic
some of it's tragic
but i had a good life all the way......
~jimmy buffett