[Poppy Princess]

What do you do when your partner works all day and just goes to bed at night cause they're dead tired? How do you make it work? Do you just leave it that way?

[Perna]

I think the partner has to want to work less, spend more time with you or take better care of themselves so they're not "dead tired" when they're not working. The other person who is working so much has the problem. You can only do so much with your time but you get to choose what to do and the worker is choosing to work long hours over other choices.

[Poppy Princess]

Or it's because that's their work schedule?

[sushislinger]

Tough one...
Been there, though I was the one sleeping. What does your partner do for a living?

[Poppy Princess]

Accounting.

[jadzea]

Some jobs require that a person work shifts or long hours so they are tired during the times most people are awake and alert. If this is the case you just buck up and deal with it. You try to arrange things so you can be together as much as possible and appreciate those times. An accountant however does not seem like that type of profession. I would ask my mate if they could work fewer hours to spend time with me and/or schedule some time off so we could be together.

[RomanSunburn]

At my husband's first job he worked roughly 14 hours every day. He came home, had dinner, and fell immediately asleep to get up and do it again. The company he worked for is notorious for burning out fresh college grads by forcing them to work these ridiculous hours or threatening them with losing their job. Unfortunately, we knew nothing about the company prior to moving out here. Now you hear a very common story, "Oh, you worked at that company? How long did you last before they completely burned you out?" That company treats their employees as expendable because next summer, they'll just hire another 600 new graduates to replace them.

But anyways... It was horrible. It took a HUGE toll on our relationship. Eventually he left that company and started working at a bike shop. He worked 10 hours a day there, then rode his bike to and from work, so, with commute, another 14 hour day for him. We knew that job was only going to be temporary, and our weekends were a lot better because he wasn't constantly stressing about losing his job. Now he works out of state, so we're now a commuter marriage, and I see more of him than I have since we started living together and he's much more relaxed and happier with his new company.

What I'm trying to say, in my overly wordy way, is that something is going to have to give. If this is something temporary, then I'd work through it. When my husband was at his first job, we didn't know if it was temporary or not, but eventually something had to go and it ended up being the job. It created a lot of stress for both of us. You can only keep up this pattern for so long before something gets derailed. Does your partner enjoy their work? Do they like working so many hours? Or are they stressed and want to work less but feel that they can't? If it's the latter, then they should start looking for a new position (I realize that's difficult). But if it's the former, you'll have to decide if that's something you're willing to have in your relationship. Then you can figure out ways of dealing with it as best you can -- lunch breaks together, scheduled date nights, etc.

[Poppy Princess]

It's sort of the former. She's really dedicated to her job.

[healingme4me]

Being a work-aholic can destroy relationships, yes. Is there any compromise, with getting your needs met?

I agree with RomanSunburn about trying to schedule time together, date nights, etc. Work can be a priority, yet, the people in our personal lives are important, as well.

Have you expressed how you want to be a priority? It's a give and take.

Tax season, is over, so to speak. Although fiscal years are coming to a close in some areas.

[Poppy Princess]

I have expressed it a little. She says it's hard to make the time. I don't know what that means.

[healingme4me]

Can you set the time? Pick a time and day, that she's not working? And have date time?

[Poppy Princess]

That's a good idea. I'll try finding a day we can do it. I've just been finding it frustrating.

[RomanSunburn]

Try scheduling your day together further out, maybe two weeks? And then try to make it a regular thing where you're just on her calendar, every week or every other week, just the two of you, to spend time together. And maybe if there's a night you know she's going to be working late, swing by with some Chinese food or takeout to grab a couple minutes with her then.

How long have you been together? What do you do? Is your schedule fairly flexible?

[Poppy Princess]

I just recently started a cleaning job. I haven't been working for a while though.

[adam_k]

I was there with work and school for a while. It puts a strain on things. I mainly thru myself into it because I wanted to feel better about myself and I wanted to make a nice living. It put a major strain on my marriage.

My advice is to try and stay connected. Them working may or may not be neccessary but try to carve a little time out of the day to spend with each other. Maybe that is a lunch, or maybe it is holding each other for a while after work. Try to talk to them and make some time for eachother. I didn't do this a lot of the days and I regret it. I put her on the side burner because I was preoccupied with studying or working or going to school and it left her feeling pretty neglected. If I could change things now I would. That is my advice. Keep some open communication and let them know you want some affection and or attention.

[hamster-bamster]

ArmyGirl,

Since she is an accountant and is really dedicated to her job, you have two problems rather than one. One problem is the one you reported - hours. The other problem is that her work sucks her in, and, most likely, she keeps thinking about the work when she is off work, and, as a result, she is basically working in all her waking hours in terms of how her work has a grip on her brain.

I now have a boring job, which is bad, but I appreciate that the boring and repetitive job has no grip on my mind - when I am off work, I never think of work. Every evening I send myself a message with the issues I need to raise next morning (we have a conference call in which people from various locations nationwide call in and we discuss issues and escalations) and then I forget about them. In the past I had jobs that were not boring, but that necessitated my thinking about my projects virtually 24/7 - was it hard! So your partner probably cannot just call it a day each evening, send herself a message for next morning, and forget - she has clients, projects, etc. so she is probably pondering some issues and concerns in her mind when she is off work, technically.

This can get really difficult because she may not be fully available to you EVEN when she is physically present in the room with you.

Does it sound like the real situation with her or am I off?

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

ArmyGirl,

Since she is an accountant and is really dedicated to her job, you have two problems rather than one. One problem is the one you reported - hours. The other problem is that her work sucks her in, and, most likely, she keeps thinking about the work when she is off work, and, as a result, she is basically working in all her waking hours in terms of how her work has a grip on her brain.

I now have a boring job, which is bad, but I appreciate that the boring and repetitive job has no grip on my mind - when I am off work, I never think of work. Every evening I send myself a message with the issues I need to raise next morning (we have a conference call in which people from various locations nationwide call in and we discuss issues and escalations) and then I forget about them. In the past I had jobs that were not boring, but that necessitated my thinking about my projects virtually 24/7 - was it hard! So your partner probably cannot just call it a day each evening, send herself a message for next morning, and forget - she has clients, projects, etc. so she is probably pondering some issues and concerns in her mind when she is off work, technically.

This can get really difficult because she may not be fully available to you EVEN when she is physically present in the room with you.

Does it sound like the real situation with her or am I off?

That describes me. I think way to much, and I don't let the work go. My profession is engineering and I am constantly trying to analyze and figure things out. It takes effort to let it go. I take it that being an accounted she is a very punctual and task orientated person. She likes to be on time, get things done promptly and take on a lot of responsibilities?

Try to have her make you part of her schedule. I don't mean that releationships should have a time base or say I need to spend X hour with my SO. Just talk to her and let her know you want some time to spend together. Hopefully she listens to you and you both get to spend some time together and enjoy eachothers company and activities together.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by adam_k

That describes me. I think way to much, and I don't let the work go. My profession is engineering and I am constantly trying to analyze and figure things out. It takes effort to let it go. I take it that being an accounted she is a very punctual and task orientated person.

I might be wrong, but, I think, engineering would suck you in even MORE than accounting!

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I might be wrong, but, I think, engineering would suck you in even MORE than accounting!

Your not wrong. Engineers like to know about everything. At least with accounting it is just about a limited number of financial info. With eningeering there is the work I get paid to do in general. Designing building is mostly what I do. Then there is the endless curiousity to solve problems and analyze. I'm in usually in a constant state of trying to figure things out.

For example, my wife has an electronic ciggerette. She has had it for about 8 months and it stopped working. The replacement is only like $12, but my curiousity got the better of me and I disambled the e cigarette to figure out how it worked.

Sometimes I wish I could turn it off and just space out and watch cartoons again in my PJ's.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by adam_k

For example, my wife has an electronic ciggerette. She has had it for about 8 months and it stopped working. The replacement is only like $12, but my curiousity got the better of me and I disambled the e cigarette to figure out how it worked.

WOW, Adam, your parents' small appliances must have all gone through your hands!

[hamster-bamster]

PS Adam, well, at least you are low risk for dementia . Supposedly if you exercise your brain and continuously learn new things as an adult, you will be in a far better shape when you get old than people who are not as curious.

[Poppy Princess]

That does describe her. She often seems somewhere else even when she's here. I talked to her about it and she does agree we should spend more time together. Now we're just trying to figure out how.

[adam_k]

Find something you both can enjoy. Preferable something that occupies her mind too, so she isn't off in a mother place. I do that a lot and it frustrates me and my wife. She just thinks in not listening to her, and I tess she is right but I don't intentionally do it.

[hamster-bamster]

Engrossing jobs can do a lot of harm that way.

[Poppy Princess]

We're going to plan a vacation together to give us time off. I'm glad that she finally wants to spend more time together.