[emanuelabianca]

Hi there! I'm new here, but I thought that some help might be good! So...here's the thing. I'm 19, I'm a student in first year.I'm far away from home, 300 km. When I finished high-school I thought that after I'll take the exam and go to college arguments will stop in my house. It's true, I'm still depending on my family's money for food, books and so on. I've never been a child that caused problems, like self injury, going into alcohol, smoking or anything like that. I've always tried to do my best to keep my family happy and not disappoint them.
My dad just thinks that I've never done something to help him, that I'm wasting his money and everything I do is worthless. Verbally he is terrible, with me and my mother. Strange enough, when he is with other people he says that he's proud of his daughter, but when we're together the only thing he does is arguing with me, telling that I'm doing nothing with my life. I barely enjoy it, because I want to finish my studies and prove him that he's wrong. I don't want to live just to show him that I'm worth it. I know he didn't have such a good childhood, but he doesn't seem to move on from it. He always says that he tries to help but everytime he expects more in return. He expects me to be already good at something at 19. Can you have enough experience at this age? I'm just asking, 'cause I'm really confused...He has plenty of theory in his head, always explains it to me, but he doesn't follow it. Everytime I try to tell him what I'm thinking he says: I know what's in your head better than yourself.If you follow my rules you'll have a good life. Follow yourself and you'll ruin eveything.
Because of him I'm very analytical and afraid that if I do any mistakes he'll start telling me how stupid and retarded I am. I have a low self-esteem since I know myself, because for him grades always mattered more than me. Teachers here usually wouldn't pay any interest and hoped for money in particular. Because of that, we never learned something from them. I can't understand why even now when I have good grades, going regularly at college...I don't even spend money on clothes, I try to keep them only for college. He always tells me how I'm going to fail, not achieving anything in life. He always tries to control me through fear, which is something he denies. He says that he's actually trying to give me motivation, but what I feel to do is leave him. He had some moments when he was normal, but the next day he started again.
Our relatives, especially his mother has a dangerous effect on him. My grandma went to fortunetellers, witches and one day I found 3 crosses drawn on the house. Creepy, right?
I just wondered...Should I stop talking to him , find a job so he would leave me alone? Please help!

[winter4me]

Follow yourself. For whatever reason, your father is not able to provide you with the emotional support you need and should have without "proving" anything to him. I do know what this is like, I am no longer young but I grew up in a non-supportive household, being told I would not amount to anything, etc.
Anything you can do to increase your independence is good for you. Use the time away from home to make friends, get involved in things and build a supportive network. If you can work and manage school too, that would be good for you. You don't have to stop talking to your dad, but (this is hard) you could try keeping the conversations on the casual side, don't try to convince him of anything, you will continue to be disappointed. Unfortunately, he can only make changes if he decides to do that. Reason does not work in these relationships, it is all about emotions. Best of luck to you in your studies! Remember that he does say he is proud to others, he may be, he may also be jealous at some level. Clearly, he is insecure himself. But you can't fix that.
Live your life. Over time, it will pay off and it is possible the relationship will change, but not soon so exert your energies on building your self esteem and the world that You are going to live in.

[sushislinger]

Hi and welcome.

I agree with the above comment.
No need to excommunicate your dad, but live your life and show him you are your own person and that you can take responsibility for yourself.

Only you can determine your future.
Oh and that witchcraft thing is definitely creepy!

L&L

[unfearless]

Oh wow, what a coincidence, i'm also dealing with a big issue with my dad at the moment, but different story.

Me and my dad is like a couple of stranger living in one roof, we rarely talk to each other, but when he do talk to me he will throw a lot of his selfish way of how to live my life so i can become a successful man like him one day. In a good way, he's a great dad trying to help his son, but in a bad way, he's giving me a lot of pressure & hard time. What he dont realize is that HE NEVER LET ME CHOOSE WHAT I WANT FOR MY FUTURE.

When i was 19, my dad wont allow me to choose what i want to study in college, as a result i fail in college, i do graduate, but i fail so bad, i never really study back in college, i spend my times feeling depressed about my problems, about college, and do alcohol & drugs everytime i feel terribly depressed. I always thought that if only i choose what i want for college, maybe my life would be different now, maybe.
Believe it or not, now that i'm 29, he still plays a big role controlling my life. Long story, but the bottom line is i'm still living under the shadow of my dad. Weird huh. I am stressed dealing with him every single day. My friends said "just tell your dad you want to live your own life", its not that easy, and you wont understand my situation with my dad.

You're still 19, you still have a lot of chance to fight for your right. I say yes go find a job if you have spare time, but dont let your job ruin your college. I had my first job when i was 22, as a cashier / clerk in a store, my dad gets lunatic when he found out i'm doing this job, he's too proud of himself and feel ashamed of what his son do to make money. He dont know how to appreciate everything that i do in my life, it happens everytime i get a new job, or when i go to a job interview. It's weird how he cant see that i'm just trying to live my own life, trying to make money, trying to be a man.

You cant stop talking to your dad, he still your dad after all, but you need to make him understand that this is about your future. Dont let this problem ruin your future, tell him that you will show him that you can but he got to let you do this in your own way. Of course you can always ask your dad for opinions or help anytime you feel need it, but the final decision is in your hand.
I wish i can turn back time and do what i just said , cause now my life is mess, i would say 90% because of him.

"Everytime I try to tell him what I'm thinking he says: I know what's in your head better than yourself.If you follow my rules you'll have a good life. Follow yourself and you'll ruin eveything.
Because of him I'm very analytical and afraid that if I do any mistakes he'll start telling me how stupid and retarded I am. He says that he's actually trying to give me motivation, but what I feel to do is leave him."
IT HAPPENS TO ME TOO! It still happens today! I'm really stressed everytime he said that to me. But i just cant stop him doing that to me. I feel exactly the same way about how you afraid doing any mistakes, how you feel like you just want to leave him.

So, dont let him control your life in a bad way, try to make him understand what you have in mind, it willl not be easy, but you gotta do it. Dont let what happens to me, happens to you too in the future. Good luck!

[hamster-bamster]

My dad was OK, but my late maternal grandfather reacted to a B I once got in high school in a way that suggested that in his mind, it was "a B today, in prison tomorrow".

At that time I did not know what to do, but now I very much do, thanks to a wonderful joke I read a few days ago. I do not have a time machine so the newly acquired knowledge cannot help ME, but I hope it will help you.

Send him the following letter:

"Dad, darling!

I am moving in with my boyfriend. His body is so great, with a tattoo on every square inch and piercings everywhere from the nose to the penis. But that is not the main thing. The main thing is that I am pregnant with his baby, and he wants to have a new baby every year, and I am so excited about his plan and cannot wait until you have ten grandchildren! I am sure you would be just as excited as I am!

I have learned so many important things from him, and, by the way, marijuana is completely harmless, and we are going to grow it for ourselves and our friends, who will in turn treat us to cocaine and ecstasy. Please pray for better medications for sexually transmitted diseases - my boyfriend has all of them and he truly deserves to feel better. And, of course, I have dropped out of school because I will devote all my attention to raising your grandchildren and growing marijuana.

PS I am actually still by myself and not pregnant and have not dropped out of school - this is just for you to appreciate that my recent "B" is not the end of the world."

***

That, with apologies to people who enjoy having tattoos and piercings, grow marijuana, have STD's, etc.

[emanuelabianca]

Thank you for your advice. It really means a lot to me. Now, when exams are all over me I barely talk to him, and silly enough, he got jealous 'cause I called my mom more than him. The only problem is that, if I tell him that things are not going right, he'll start telling all his theory, which he doesn't respect but wants me to do it. I wish there would be rules for everything and all would be fantastic, but I'm realistic enough to know that sometimes there are situations when you fail or when you don't do it perfectly. We are humans after all. He is a little bit obsessed with being a perfectionist, which I must admit I have it too, but I never try to convince somebody that my ideas are totally perfect. God bless you! :-)

Originally Posted by winter4me

Follow yourself. For whatever reason, your father is not able to provide you with the emotional support you need and should have without "proving" anything to him. I do know what this is like, I am no longer young but I grew up in a non-supportive household, being told I would not amount to anything, etc.
Anything you can do to increase your independence is good for you. Use the time away from home to make friends, get involved in things and build a supportive network. If you can work and manage school too, that would be good for you. You don't have to stop talking to your dad, but (this is hard) you could try keeping the conversations on the casual side, don't try to convince him of anything, you will continue to be disappointed. Unfortunately, he can only make changes if he decides to do that. Reason does not work in these relationships, it is all about emotions. Best of luck to you in your studies! Remember that he does say he is proud to others, he may be, he may also be jealous at some level. Clearly, he is insecure himself. But you can't fix that.
Live your life. Over time, it will pay off and it is possible the relationship will change, but not soon so exert your energies on building your self esteem and the world that You are going to live in.

[emanuelabianca]

Thank you ! :-D You're right... Yup, my relatives are all mad and weird :-))) God bless you!

Originally Posted by sushislinger

Hi and welcome.

I agree with the above comment.
No need to excommunicate your dad, but live your life and show him you are your own person and that you can take responsibility for yourself.

Only you can determine your future.
Oh and that witchcraft thing is definitely creepy!

L&L

[emanuelabianca]

Thank you! :-) Oh, sorry to hear that. I know that not communicating with your parents too much can affect, sadly. Well, I always get into fights with him because I know I've changed since I left high-school, Yup, what annoys me is when things are obvious and he's like: I won't say that you're right even when you are. You're my daughter, I'm the man of the house etc...I've never asked for taking my ideas into consideration, only to be accepted. Poor mom often looks at us, but can't help too much when two stubborn persons are fighting. He's afraid 'cause now I have more courage and that I might disrespect him one day. Like I ever wanted to do that, I could've been the shame of the family long time ago.
I'll try to find a job, but during summer. At least maybe I'll have my money and won't need to ask him for it. He wasn't so sure if he should let me study at this college I'm at right now, but he did it anyway. We'll see what this brings, but hopefully I'll go and study music again.
I often try to explain him, but he understands more when he sees my results or when he hears of me from other people.
I know the biggest impact on our lives have childhood and parents. When other people talk silly things about me it just doesn't bother me at all. I just don't like being told about past and how I used to be "back then" by my parents and so on.
I hope at least he'll appreciate your efforts someday. Take care. God bless!

Originally Posted by unfearless

Oh wow, what a coincidence, i'm also dealing with a big issue with my dad at the moment, but different story.

Me and my dad is like a couple of stranger living in one roof, we rarely talk to each other, but when he do talk to me he will throw a lot of his selfish way of how to live my life so i can become a successful man like him one day. In a good way, he's a great dad trying to help his son, but in a bad way, he's giving me a lot of pressure & hard time. What he dont realize is that HE NEVER LET ME CHOOSE WHAT I WANT FOR MY FUTURE.

When i was 19, my dad wont allow me to choose what i want to study in college, as a result i fail in college, i do graduate, but i fail so bad, i never really study back in college, i spend my times feeling depressed about my problems, about college, and do alcohol & drugs everytime i feel terribly depressed. I always thought that if only i choose what i want for college, maybe my life would be different now, maybe.
Believe it or not, now that i'm 29, he still plays a big role controlling my life. Long story, but the bottom line is i'm still living under the shadow of my dad. Weird huh. I am stressed dealing with him every single day. My friends said "just tell your dad you want to live your own life", its not that easy, and you wont understand my situation with my dad.

You're still 19, you still have a lot of chance to fight for your right. I say yes go find a job if you have spare time, but dont let your job ruin your college. I had my first job when i was 22, as a cashier / clerk in a store, my dad gets lunatic when he found out i'm doing this job, he's too proud of himself and feel ashamed of what his son do to make money. He dont know how to appreciate everything that i do in my life, it happens everytime i get a new job, or when i go to a job interview. It's weird how he cant see that i'm just trying to live my own life, trying to make money, trying to be a man.

You cant stop talking to your dad, he still your dad after all, but you need to make him understand that this is about your future. Dont let this problem ruin your future, tell him that you will show him that you can but he got to let you do this in your own way. Of course you can always ask your dad for opinions or help anytime you feel need it, but the final decision is in your hand.
I wish i can turn back time and do what i just said , cause now my life is mess, i would say 90% because of him.

"Everytime I try to tell him what I'm thinking he says: I know what's in your head better than yourself.If you follow my rules you'll have a good life. Follow yourself and you'll ruin eveything.
Because of him I'm very analytical and afraid that if I do any mistakes he'll start telling me how stupid and retarded I am. He says that he's actually trying to give me motivation, but what I feel to do is leave him."
IT HAPPENS TO ME TOO! It still happens today! I'm really stressed everytime he said that to me. But i just cant stop him doing that to me. I feel exactly the same way about how you afraid doing any mistakes, how you feel like you just want to leave him.

So, dont let him control your life in a bad way, try to make him understand what you have in mind, it willl not be easy, but you gotta do it. Dont let what happens to me, happens to you too in the future. Good luck!

[unfearless]

Originally Posted by emanuelabianca

Thank you! :-) Oh, sorry to hear that. I know that not communicating with your parents too much can affect, sadly. Well, I always get into fights with him because I know I've changed since I left high-school, Yup, what annoys me is when things are obvious and he's like: I won't say that you're right even when you are. You're my daughter, I'm the man of the house etc...I've never asked for taking my ideas into consideration, only to be accepted. Poor mom often looks at us, but can't help too much when two stubborn persons are fighting. He's afraid 'cause now I have more courage and that I might disrespect him one day. Like I ever wanted to do that, I could've been the shame of the family long time ago.
I'll try to find a job, but during summer. At least maybe I'll have my money and won't need to ask him for it. He wasn't so sure if he should let me study at this college I'm at right now, but he did it anyway. We'll see what this brings, but hopefully I'll go and study music again.
I often try to explain him, but he understands more when he sees my results or when he hears of me from other people.
I know the biggest impact on our lives have childhood and parents. When other people talk silly things about me it just doesn't bother me at all. I just don't like being told about past and how I used to be "back then" by my parents and so on.
I hope at least he'll appreciate your efforts someday. Take care. God bless!

yeah sometimes it's very awkward how i cant talk with my dad, my brother never really talk to him too, sometimes they both argue, or fight a lot, just like you & your dad.

It feels good when we making our own money, but unfortunately sometimes we dont spend it wisely, hehe, sounds like me tho. Are you studying music right now? Or you're planing to study music?
You know, when i graduate from high-school, i told my parents that i want to study music! I became a music-addict since i was in 6th grade, i started to play drums in 7th grade, a year later switch to guitar till now. I really want to study music not just from playing music, but everything inside music, like every single thing. It's my dream since i was teenager. But my parents let me down. Now music is just a hobby. I told you earlier that my first job as a cashier / clerk, well it was in a music store!! How poor, my dream is to study music but i ended up being a cashier / clerk in a music store
I have other less or equal desire to study besides music, but my parents always said "NO" to my options. Oh well.

Yes hopefuly someday my dad will finally appreciate my efforts. You too take care and good luck.

[emanuelabianca]

Mine called me today and felt like I was pushing him away. He kind of noticed that I don't want to talk to him while I'm taking my exams 'cause I know he'll ask me all kinds of stuff and probably give me advice before exams like : You don't need to be afraid, stay calm.Nothing will happen... Somehow I know that if I might do sth wrong we'll come back to the same discussions, which I don't like. I just hate people screaming at each other. Guess that's a problem from childhood 'cause my grandparents used to do that almost everyday and sometimes my parents. I used to go outside or hide just to stop hearing the noise.
No, now I'm studying english and german ( beginner at that though). I did this because...uhm...I'm going to be honest, I have to get a job, then do music. A stupid fear of mine that I'll be on my own, with both parents dead and...yeah... No relatives want to see me doing things right. I have such strange relatives, it looks like I'm the total opposite. When I was in high-school I used to participate at shows, singing and my grandmother was like : I'd rather buy a bottle of vodka than see you singing, or you can't do that, you're just dreaming, you silly kid. I swear, I loved her so much when I was a kid, but since she made fun of my singing I just put her away. The only good thing is that I can't hate people, I just have sudden reactions, I get angry pretty fast and sometimes talk like I shouldn't.
Well, you can study music even now. It's never too late though. I totally believe that music should be used as a theraphy because it works, for real. I've learned more from it than everything else. It just makes the pain easier to bear. Too bad that today's music is so... uh. I just don't want to start a topic on that... But it should have important messages.
You could try and find somebody who knows sth about music if you really want to. I discovered my talent accidentally, I never thought that I would be good at it, so give it a try.
Thanks for your reply :-)

Originally Posted by unfearless

yeah sometimes it's very awkward how i cant talk with my dad, my brother never really talk to him too, sometimes they both argue, or fight a lot, just like you & your dad.

It feels good when we making our own money, but unfortunately sometimes we dont spend it wisely, hehe, sounds like me tho. Are you studying music right now? Or you're planing to study music?
You know, when i graduate from high-school, i told my parents that i want to study music! I became a music-addict since i was in 6th grade, i started to play drums in 7th grade, a year later switch to guitar till now. I really want to study music not just from playing music, but everything inside music, like every single thing. It's my dream since i was teenager. But my parents let me down. Now music is just a hobby. I told you earlier that my first job as a cashier / clerk, well it was in a music store!! How poor, my dream is to study music but i ended up being a cashier / clerk in a music store
I have other less or equal desire to study besides music, but my parents always said "NO" to my options. Oh well.

Yes hopefuly someday my dad will finally appreciate my efforts. You too take care and good luck.