Meaningful or Meaningless?

I can honestly say this is the worst time in my life. I am 46 married with a daughter. Our marriage has been ok for 20 years we have been the golden couple but I always felt something was missing.
That something missing was filled by my best friend of 30 years, kind compassionate and would instinctively know when something was wrong and just call out of the blue. It was a great friendship.
In April 2012 BF confessed he was in love with me, always had been, never felt good enough, never felt this way about another person. I went there and truly explored my real feelings and before I knew it I was head over heals. We swam in the sea of love it was amazing even though we were 800 kms apart our conversations were deep and affectionate. When we finally met he kissed me like have never been kissed before and I knew then I was ready to walk through the fire to live my life with this wonderful man. Then suddenly in fact over night he changed...the message said he was sorting out his relationships sorting the meaningful from the meaningless and I didn't make the cut. I literally went into shock. I had to confront him I needed answers and his answer was "what did you expect did you expect me to leave my relationship? My home my life?" He had just spent months telling me how he couldn't wait to introduce me to his friends how we will be together in this life, he would call me before and after my long road trips making sure I was safe and well all preparing for our future. It’s been 14 weeks since that awful conversation. I have left my home, my work is on hold my friends are really confused about my behavior I have to keep his secret and protect him and yet I'm devastated with nowhere to go with my grief. I'm in therapy but I feel I'm getting nowhere the antidepressants were useless I am indeed an empty shell. I am trying to get well but the pain is overwhelming and I do do things for others, try and socialize and be kind to myself. I have read all the books including Russ Harris. I pray really hard that the pain will go away but I feel like God has deserted me my prayers unanswered.
I don't know where to go or what to do next I am sick with fear.
Light4me

I am sorry if this sounds blunt, but what are you taking antidepressants for? It sounds like you have had a really really rough time but clearly were true to yourself and to your feelings. It is very sad that he changed overnight, and any person in your shoes would be heartbroken and sick with fear, but you do not have a disorder and there is no case for antidepressants. Therapy, grieving, books, journaling, posting (you write poignantly and wonderfully), but not antidepressants. Also, although I am an atheist, but just thinking reasonably, it does not seem to be the case that you should pray at all to have the pain go away, because the pain is your feelings and your feelings are the essence of your life, so it is sort of quasi-suicidal to try to pray the pain away. Other than by feeling the pain through the end, there really is no other tried and true way to deal with the pain. So I think that whatever time and energy and effort that goes into praying hard are all wasted, and should instead be directed towards dealing with your work. You wrote that you work is on hold. That sounds precarious. What are the details and can you hold on to the work instead of putting it on hold? It would be good for both financial security and for anchoring you to something stable in your life, because this guy created this horrible uncertainty for you, so you should look for its polar opposite to counterbalance what the guy did to you - you should look for something stable. It seems that work is that thing, and it seems that most of your conscious effort, when you are not feeling the feelings, should go towards trying to stabilize the work situation.

This kind of thing would almost kill anybody. And how weird - from your description, the experience was clearly meaningful to both. That he would doubt that is very odd. That he might not want to leave his stable current arrangement is understandable, but that he would doubt that the feelings were meaningful is very odd. I am sorry!

Am so so sorry to read what has happened. Shocking way to treat someone, it really is, and I don't think there will ever be an excuse for it.

I like Hamster's advice - now is the time for some stability. Are you able to go back to work? Be a tough first few days, but it may be what you need to keep going on the short term (not just financially). And am afraid that the only real answer is time. Time will make things better, it really does. How much time is never known, but one day you will be able to cope.

I think too that it may good to remember that this guy has proved himself to be an utter ****. Sorry to be blunt, but he is not worthy of you - if he could do this after 30 years of friendship (and start the ball rolling with the relationship) then he's turned out to be a horrible man. Please try to turn that rejection into a sense of relief - that you were spared this kind of behaviour in the future. If you had moved in with him etc, there's nothing to say that he wouldn't have done this 1, 2 or however many months or years time - or he could've turned out to be a person you didn't like being with and that could've dragged on for many years. I very much suspect this because of what he's done to you.

And I also think of keeping him secret is very noble of you - but any loyalty went out the window when he said those nasty words. If you need to talk, and think it would help, to a good friend about him, do so. You should look after yourself first, just as he is doing.

We do not have any option but to carry on. You may have to make a new life for yourself, but it doesn't have to be a horrible one.

Good luck and hugs to you.

I cannot agree more - the guy told you that you "didn't make the cut". Without even trying to soften the blow! It is a horribly cruel thing to say to somebody after 30 years of friendship!

Thank you for your excellent feedback. The medication was not great and a panic button for my Doctor ( Local GP ) who had never seen me that low. Once it was established and became clear what I am experiencing is grief I was weaned off the Lexapro.
I am glad I you replied, you have indeed made a difference and I am grateful.

Thank you so much for your very kind words. It has been 14 weeks and I now feel making this step and talking to people like you is a first step to a better life. I truly appreciate your comments and hugs.