[D157R4C73D]

I have a terrible relationship with my mother. She seems like a bitter woman. She lost her mother when she was very young, and her father pulled her out of school after middle school. On the surface she seems to be very religious. She watches christian television constantly, and goes to church every weekend. All that said, she doesn't seem like a very christian woman to me for some reason. It's almost like she's putting on a show and doesn't actually believe in any of it. She had me when she was in her early forties after she'd already had several other children. There's about an eight year age gap between me and my closest sibling. You could say I was probably unplanned.

Anyway, as I grew up she never really taught me how to do anything. She gave me some phonics records and a bible, and didn't seem to invest much else in me. She tried to get me to go to church, but I wasn't very interested. A lot of weekends she forced me to go. To this day when I've asked her to explain how something's done she refuses to tell me. She acts as if she doesn't know how, but I don't think I've ever asked her to explain something I haven't seen her do. She has about zero respect for me, but for whatever reason she still wants me around. She seems to want to keep me as a pet or something. I've gotten to the point where I don't want anything to do with her, but she still tries to contact me from time to time.

What I'm wondering is if this sort of relationship has a psychological explanation. I read a description of a narcissistic mother, and some of the things seem to fit. Especially about her choosing a golden child to compare everyone to. The thing with her, though, was that the golden child would shift depending on who she was talking to.

Is this a common thing? How would it be categorized psychologically? Would a mother actually want her children to turn out badly? (I actually don't believe it was just me)

[krisakira]

Sounds like she was very emotionally neglectful, which is abuse.

[D157R4C73D]

Both of my parents were pretty distant. Dad at least partially because he worked all the time. I was apparently his favorite, but Dad never really taught me how to do anything either.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by D157R4C73D

Would a mother actually want her children to turn out badly? (I actually don't believe it was just me)

Yes. There are mothers who do that.

I think you should make a list of skills you are missing and decide what to do about acquiring them, little by little. It is sad that she did not invest in you, but at least you are wise enough to realize that; start investing in yourself!

[D157R4C73D]

Thanks for the advice. Are there any sort of self help books you'd suggest? I have a pretty self-centered view of the world at this point, so self-evaluating my personal deficiencies is a little difficult now. Especially since I'm not exactly young.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by D157R4C73D

. She had me when she was in her early forties after she'd already had several other children. There's about an eight year age gap between me and my closest sibling. You could say I was probably unplanned.

Is this a common thing? How would it be categorized psychologically? Would a mother actually want her children to turn out badly? (I actually don't believe it was just me)

You write, that one could say you were probably unplanned. Even if you were planned, you feel that way, and I am so sorry you are left feeling that way. Speaks to feeling unloved, by the very people who are supposed to offer that love in the earliest of years and development!

Narcissism, could fit the bill, however, one book or even a handful will not help get you to the point of feeling that love, regardless if it wasn't willingly given to you.

There's some mother/daughter books out there, and I'll have to come back in here, to share them, after I post this. Even with that, do you have a therapist to call your own?

[healingme4me]

OK, I'm back. I have three titles, I'd recommend. Your post title had struck me, as a 'to read' thread. I have a step mother, that has children, three of them, that she seems to like remaining dependent on her, even in their adulthood. Seems unable to have created in them, a sense, of setting these now adult 'children' free to grow from her. And after half a lifetime of observation, I could see how it would 'appear' that she'd actively raise a 'fool'.
My own mom, she teetered on narcissism, but it was more a style that an disorder, so my accomplishments were about building herself up. It was my dad, that was the real narcissist in all this. It was tough to get praise from a narcissist. And when one strives to be 'perfect' and get that praise, one can reach a level of burnout and not reaching their fullest potential.

Here they are the titles. For the Mother Daughter books, I mentioned.

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers [Paperback]

Dr. Karyl McBride
The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self-Healing and Getting the Love You Missed [Paperback]

Jasmin Lee Cori MS LPC
Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents [Paperback]

Nina Brown EdD LPC

[D157R4C73D]

I guess I should clarify some things. I'm male, so the books about mother-daughter relationships might not be as helpful for me. Although I do appreciate the post because it will help me do my own research. Also, I don't want to pretend like I'm a perfect saint in all of this. I was pretty oblivious to the fact that my relationship with my mother wasn't healthy until I reached adulthood. When I was 19 I came home from work one day and out of the blue my mother tells me that she could have aborted me. That had a pretty profound effect on our relationship, and to this day she tries to brush it off like it didn't mean anything. After that there was considerably more animosity between me and her. We'd argue quite a bit (she enjoyed arguing with her children, and would create drama in order to do so) and the arguments could get pretty heated. Towards the end I'd say some really nasty things to her. She would also have a tendency to help her children just enough that we had to be dependent on her. She wanted us to need her, and I let her control me that way for a long time.

I should also point out that my relationship with my father wasn't that great either, although, again, the rest of my siblings consider me to be his favorite. He was prone to making snap decisions, and once he made them he'd stick with them to the end. This is in contrast to my mother that could never seem to make her mind up about anything. As far as I can tell both my parents had ADHD, although I could be wrong as I'm no expert. Mom just had the inattentive type as I believe I do.

I'm less concerned with my relationship with my father now because he's gone, and I guess I feel a little guilty about the fact I don't want to have anything to do with my mother even though she's probably not going to be around much longer.

[healingme4me]

My apologies, these on-line forums, it's sometimes difficult to differentiate, at time.

The third book, may be of help. Don't have to have been a saint, to resolve the parent//adult child relationship, even if just internally.

I hear you, about not feeling the need to go there, where a deceased parent is involved. I still find, it useful, for myself, to work through any lingering feelings I have had around my mom. Granted, we cannot argue with a ghost, at the same time, I cannot just brush it aside because she is no longer here.

My dad, is still around, and I occasionally must deal with him and his wife.

Hope you are able to work through what you want to work through.

[withlove71]

This is a difficult one for me but I will try and help you as best as I can. I recommend that you get yourself two books and that you read them over and over. The first is called Power vs Force that book is a very good one. and the second one is called Controlling people. It helped me to understand it from perspective of personal healing and to stay away from the negative emotions of shame blame and guilt. I hope this helps.