[HurtAngry]

A bit of background. My SIL scheduled her wedding three weeks after my due date (this happened when I was 5 months pregnant). Although it would have been nice to have been considered, it didn't matter that she set the date close to my delivery - it was her day and she had every right to have her wedding whenever she wanted. But, my DH spoke to SIL after we got the save-the-dates and let her know very respectfully that we would probably not be able to make it out of state with a newborn (our pediatricians strongly recommended against travel). SIL, upon hearing this news, flew into a rage, called us horrible names and hung up the phone. We were SHOCKED!! Then a minute after we got off the phone with SIL, my DH dad's called and yelled at us for ruining SIL's wedding and called us more names. Over the next few months, this became a huge family issue with my other SIL calling and telling me I need to apologize (for what?), my FIL and MIL calling and yelling at us repeatedly, aunts and uncles telling us how we were being gossiped about and the horrible names we were being called in conversations behind our backs.
As much as this hurt us, we chose to bear this treatment silently from the whole family because nobody cared about how we felt and we found it pointless to keep talking about it with people who didn't want to hear our point of view. Needless to say, we didn't make it to the wedding. But, we called SIL on wedding day, left her a loving message and sent her a generous gift. She refused to talk to us after her wedding and although we have tried to mend the rift over the past three years, it hasn't happened. In fact, it has only grown worse.
I don't talk to any of my in-laws anymore because I'm tired of being blamed and held in contempt. Prior to all this, I was close with everyone in my husband's family. My DH has never been close to his sisters and only talks to his parents on a very superficial level. Nobody has apologized to us for their past treatment of us or their continued lack of effort. In fact, the parents still blame us for the lack of communication, even when we have shown them proof (emails, Skype logs, missed calls, unanswered text messages, etc)! We have been accused of keeping our daughter from them, but how can they expect to have a relationship with her if they don't have one with us?
Our marriage has suffered because I feel like my DH has avoided conflict and not stood up firmly for the way we have been treated and told his family that this is unacceptable behavior. I feel emotionally abandoned and so hurt....
My question is this - how do I get over the pain, humiliation, anger, hurt, and resentment because of the history? I'm in therapy and it helps, but it would be easier if I could just have some resolution to this conflict. I wish I could say they are all dead to me, but it is not my place, but my DH's decision (if he ever finds the courage to stand up to his parents). I would really like your thoughts and advice on this issue.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by HurtAngry

Needless to say, we didn't make it to the wedding. But, we called SIL on wedding day, left her a loving message and sent her a generous gift. She refused to talk to us after her wedding and although we have tried to mend the rift over the past three years, it hasn't happened. In fact, it has only grown worse.

1) Did your SIL send a "thank you" letter acknowledging the receipt of your generous gift?

2) Did you send a birth announcement to all those people and, if so, did they respond appropriately, according to the accepted standards of politeness?

[HurtAngry]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

1) Did your SIL send a "thank you" letter acknowledging the receipt of your generous gift?

2) Did you send a birth announcement to all those people and, if so, did they respond appropriately, according to the accepted standards of politeness?

SIL did send a thank you for the gift, and I sent birth announcement, holiday cards, etc. to all family. SIL has a son now, and we sent son gift to welcome his arriva....again, thank you card, but they have made no effort to allow us to even skype with him (we gave up after a couple of months of trying). SIL and family recently moved across the country, but haven't told us (we heard about it from the grapevine). The problem is family makes minimal effort with us, but we get blamed if we don't go out of our way to cater to everyone's wishes. We are all very polite, according to the accepted standards of politeness, except for when they are yelling at me or my husband because we do not want to be doormats for anyone anymore.

[RoseBee]

When I was married and there was family drama that included me, my EX H's family did the same thing. I would send a letter to each one of them that's worded something to this effect:

Dear _____________:

I understand you are upset with me about _____________. While I can't change your feelings, I can say that your continued efforts to prolong this issue is tearing our family apart. I am extending the olive branch to forgive and forget, live and let live. The last explanation I will give is ________________________. From this point on, I do not want to hear any more about it, from you or others. Moving on is the way to healing and having a family. If you do not want us as part of your family, please tell us now so we can move on and heal. If this is not the case, then get over your hurt by telling me one last time what I have done to you that was so egregious. After this, you must let it go. If you can't, then we are obviously acquaintances and not family.

Much Love,

_________________________

I sent out at least 5 of those because they didn't like me, flat out. I was more educated than they are and they were offended by my "big words". They also took my allergy to coconut and sugar and gluten sensitivity to me being rude by not eating their food. Each holiday or get together, I would have to send these out.

There were a few that said we are not family, and that was fine by us. One less person to worry about.

Eventually, we divorced, but his family still respected me and didn't breathe a negative word in my direction. (The issue for divorce is unrelated to this letter, btw. )

[HurtAngry]

We have tried writing similar letters and cc'd the whole family because there was lying and manipulation of facts by SIL. MIL flew into a rage and cussed out my husband, SILs husband told us we were liars, and FIL told us that we are "tearing the family apart" (all because we want them to take responsibility for their behavior and we are putting up boundaries to protect ourselves). There was an overall census of moving on, but then no actions to back up the words. That is why we decided that we can't keep making any more efforts until there is a sincere effort on their part (but the trust has been broken many times over, and I don't think I could ever be close to them again). I don't ever want to be in the same room with them ever again! I'm just so tired with this situation...at this point, I just want some validation from my DH about the way we have been treated and for him to stand up to his family. I want to heal from this psychological trauma and get over the hurt and the pain and just move on and have some semblance of normalcy. I am so tired of dysfunction in my relationships - how do people build healthy families that love and respect and appreciate each other unconditionally?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by HurtAngry

SIL did send a thank you for the gift, and I sent birth announcement, holiday cards, etc. to all family. SIL has a son now, and we sent son gift to welcome his arriva....again, thank you card, but they have made no effort to allow us to even skype with him (we gave up after a couple of months of trying). SIL and family recently moved across the country, but haven't told us (we heard about it from the grapevine). The problem is family makes minimal effort with us, but we get blamed if we don't go out of our way to cater to everyone's wishes. We are all very polite, according to the accepted standards of politeness, except for when they are yelling at me or my husband because we do not want to be doormats for anyone anymore.

I see. So their behavior is passive-aggressive - they uphold minimal standards formally but do not show any genuine effort to connect.

[RoseBee]

Originally Posted by HurtAngry

I am so tired of dysfunction in my relationships - how do people build healthy families that love and respect and appreciate each other unconditionally?

I don't know-if you find out, please share!

I DO know in order for a relationship to be healthy and balanced the people in them have to be healthy and balanced, able to communicate clearly, see other people's point of view, and accept responsibility for their actions. If those things are missing, the dysfunction will flourish. From your description, that's what's going on here. I would just drop the issue and start to heal from your hurt. Your H will figure it out eventually if he hasn't done anything after you expressed concern to him.

[barx]

hamster-bamster, I think that you are correct in your assessment. I would also call it passive-aggressive.

HurtAngry, I have some experience with these types of behaviors. You mentioned that you wanted your husband's validation? What does that mean? You have to be very specific about what you expect otherwise you will get the validation with no action to handle things differently in the future. Have you thought that maybe that's why you haven't been able to properly heal from all of the pain? Maybe he just tells you what you want to hear with nothing to back it up. Maybe you "know" that if and when something like this happens again, you won't feel that he has your back?

[Jannaku]

Hi! Firstly, from what I have read about the origins of this family dispute, your SIL did not take your pregnancy/birth into consideration when making plans for her wedding and this is what started the whole ball rolling. Secondly, instead of being understanding and sympathetic about your predicament she chose to abuse you and to add further insult to injury she then involved other members of the family in order to divide and conquer. Thirdly, after your attempts to resolve your differences and move on, she has chosen to continue the feud and by doing this continue to hurt you. I don't think you want a SIL or family like this in your life in any case. Even if you were to resolve your differences over this there would undoubtedly be other problems in the future. The family sounds dysfunctional and even though it would be nice to have a cohesive, loving, forgiving family, their behavior has shown that they have little regard for the feelings of others and have acted poorly. Again, not the type of family you need in your life. As far as your DH is concerned this is his way of dealing with it and is more than likely a learned behavior and the way the whole family deals with things. As long as he is good to you and supportive and loving, this is the best you could ask for. You have to allow him to deal with it in the best way he can and knows how to and similarly be loving and supportive towards him. I would consider his loyalty to you commendable and take his silence and inability to stand up to his family as a positive attribute in one respect. If his other family members took the same approach then this problem would not exist. Dysfunctional families happen all the time. My H's family of 8 have been dysfunctional since I can remember with a couple of sisters not having spoken to each other for over one decade and a family divide. We choose to remain neutral, don't buy into arguments and keep minimal contact. It works well this way. Don't let this feud fester in your mind and affect your relationship. Focus on your family and teach your child through your words and actions how a family should act. All the best x

[HurtAngry]

Thank you for your support and insights. It is nice to hear it from neutral parties that i have done everything in my power and cannot continue to put forth efforts to sustain these dysfunctional relationships. If only there was a caution label that came with each person telling you of their dysfunctional tendencies, maybe we could keep from getting hurt so badly......

[HurtAngry]

I think DH's validation would mean that he defend my intentions and boundaries....stand up for me/us and tell them that he will not tolerate their behavior towards us in a less wishy washy way. Maybe it is that i have lost trust that he will have my back in the future. Honestly, I'm tired of being the scapegoat, and the only way I know how to escape is to not have contact, but I cannot ask him not to have contact with his family.