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#1
Jul 12, 2013, 03:23 AM
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do you think.. its possible to love someone that you do not know well?
i am love with this guy, and i would like to get to know him better but i cannot because he is taken. but my feelings for him are stronger than any other guy in my life, even some that i had some short relationships with maybe i am shallow, but to me, there are some certain qualities that if a person has then, i can overlook any other flaw. and i think that this guy has those things (very kind, respectful, gentle eyes, physically attractive to me.) hes not the most physically attractive person in the world, but i find him attractive, he has fit arms, soft brown hair. he is a gentleman and a "nice boy" type. i am in love with him.. and my feelings for him are very strong, but i dont know him well. and some people say that this isnt real love because i dont know him. i wouldnt "die for him" or something like that. but my feelings for him are so strong, and my thoughts about him are not only sexual, but other things too. and its not just an obsession or something. i want to be with him and i really think that it can work out and i just wish that i could have a chance to get to know him better. i get "crushes" on celebrities, actors, and some other people in real life. i have had a very few short-lived boyfriends, the relationship lasted only a few weeks, it was never anything serious and i never had much feelings for them. but this guy, i think about him a lot. and i wish that i knew him better, and i knew that if i had a chance with him that it could work out. personally im pretty easy going and i think that he is too. i think we could have a good relationship. the feelings are so strong that i cant just forget about him and find someone else, that is the problem. i cannot find someone else that makes me feel the same way. im not looking for someone to replace him. but i cant even find someone else that i am so attracted to and that i have such strong feelings for. there is something about him that does this to me.. i know that unless i find something terrible about him like hes a criminal( (and im pretty sure hes not) or he cheated on me orsomething that bad, that i will still love him. even if i found that he was a criminal depending on what he did and how bad it was then maybe i dont care about that either. the thing is that he has certain qualities that i dont really care what his bad qualities are. i know that i dont know him well so maybe i will find some things about his personality that bothers me. but i can overlook it, i dont care because there isnt anything that will outweigh the good things that i see in him. actually when someone tells me that my feelings are not love but just a crush or an obsession, i feel hurt, like there is somethig wrong with me. maybe this is the way that i love someone, by falling for them and then wishing that i could know them better. maybe i do think about them more than a "normal" person would, but does it mean that it isnt love just because i think about them too much? i do naturally have an obsessive personality so just because i think a lot about someone even when i dont know them that much yet, doesnt mean its *not* love or that it couldnt become love. maybe it is the first step of a "real love", and i really do feel like i love this man. so do you think its possible to love someone you dont know that well? |
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#2
Jul 12, 2013, 04:02 AM
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It is much easier to love someone before you get to know them. There is no built up history between the two of you to get in the way. You can focus on what you enjoy most about the person with minimal interference.
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#3
Jul 12, 2013, 04:05 AM
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I think that your feelings seem real, I really do. But I guess it depends on what you define as love...
For me love is something that emerges over time, as you get to know someone. I am afraid I am with your friends when they tell you that it's not real love because you don't know him. I think you're in love with the idea of him and not the reality, which is something you have to be careful with because nobody can live up to our fantasy and you could get very hurt over this one day. I don't want to hurt your feelings here, and I certainly do not want to belittle what you feel because lust and obsession are very strong feelings - but I don't think it's possible to be in love with someone who you do not know properly. I think what you're feeling is totally ok, providing it doesn't become an obsession or last too long. It's ok to fancy someone like mad and think about them, but I think you perhaps need to seek some help if you become too attached or it makes you feel too bad because you're not with him and that he has a g/f. You admit that you naturally have an obsessive personality, so perhaps looking at why you are like this is the answer. Hugs |
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#4
Jul 12, 2013, 05:41 AM
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There is a theory on love which was developped in the 1960s (I think) and though not entirely scientific it can be useful in considering the people we fall in love with. According to this theory love consists of three components passion, compromise and intimacy. You can vary them and see the kind of love you have for this man.
COnsider your case, it would be a case of infatuation. The main point really is to bear in mind that no one can take away the veracity of your emotions or ridicule them, they are something you feel and geniunely mean, you should consider however the negative this could have on you and the nature of your love for him. Have you made attempts to be his friend?
__________________
obsessivedisorder.net |
 hamster-bamster
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#5
Jul 12, 2013, 05:48 AM
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what about love at first sight, do you think this is possible?
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#6
Jul 12, 2013, 06:09 AM
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In what sense love at first sight?
__________________
obsessivedisorder.net |
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#7
Jul 12, 2013, 06:21 AM
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It is possible to "love" someone without knowing them very well, however, the type of love that you have described sounds more like an infatuation/obsession to me than love. I'll try and explain what I mean. An obsession about someone means that you have such strong emotions about that person that you feel that you must have them no matter what e.g. "I just can't forget about him and find someone else" and you become addicted to this person and believe that you need them above anything else. It can become irrational and destructive e.g. "even if I found out he was a criminal ..... I don't care about that either" or " maybe I will find some things about his personality that bothers me. but I can overlook it". Also finding that you are continually thinking about him is obsessional. I believe that you are infatuated with him as well because you believe that he will fulfill all your fantasies e.g. "I think we could have a good relationship" and you can only see the good "very kind, respectful, gentle eyes ...". It's difficult to explain but there is an overlap between infatuation and obsession.
It's great to have all these wonderful feelings and there is nothing wrong with being infatuated as long as you do not let this become an unhealthy attachment that affects your well being e.g. not looking at other guys, making him exclusively the object of your desire, dreaming and fantasizing excessively about him, etc. Maybe if you look at it like this: infatuation is emotional & chemical (desire & lust), obsession is physical (addicted & need) and love is spiritual (in your heart & is shared). Just be careful that you keep your feelings in control since it will be very painful for you if you can not have what you so much want. |
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#8
Jul 12, 2013, 08:03 AM
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I agree with Jannaku!
Take your time and don't let your mind speculate wildly. As experience has taught me and billions of others Prince Charming tends to be a reflection of our own issues and hangups rather than a realistic view on the person you're interested in.
__________________
obsessivedisorder.net |
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#9
Jul 12, 2013, 09:34 AM
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I think you're in love with an idea of the person, rather than the reality.
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#10
Jul 12, 2013, 09:51 AM
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Ime, sometimes we find a person irresistible when they remind us in some way of a person from our past. In my case, unfortunately, it was the way they reminded me of my mother (happened with both males and females) and were ultimately unavailable for a real relationship, but still would try to get something from me.
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#11
Jul 12, 2013, 10:20 AM
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Yes, because you don't know them. You idealize what they are like and how they would react, feel, kiss, etc. Then when you have them, they WILL NOT meet your ideal. That's called infatuation, a type of psudo-love. Friendship is also a type of love. There are ALL KINDS of love out there. Then, there is the I can't have you love manifesting either, I love you, but I can't have you in a romantic capacity, so I will have you as a friend, or, I love you but can't be with you for whatever reason. Decide on which capacity you want this person in your life and strive for that. If you can't have him in any way save your boy friend, then move on. We all have to learn that lesson sometime. I think I am getting schooled in that now.
 You aren't alone, m'dear.
__________________
Behold the turtle, he makes progress only when he sticks his neck out. http://cookknitdance.tumblr.com/ |
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#12
Jul 12, 2013, 02:03 PM
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I have an obsessive personality too so I understand where you're coming from. I do however believe this to be an infatuation. A lot of what you write is cyclical - you say you want to know him more, then you make suppositions about his nature and why you would be good together and then you reaffirm you don't really know each other. It follows an 'obsessive' pattern. I would like to go back to what you wrote quite early on - you said he was taken. Surely you can see that your chances are practically non-existent? Perhaps that's fanning the flames the most, we all want what is unobtainable.
To quote St. Spock; "After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true." I don't believe in soul mates or just one person out there who is 'perfect' for you. Highly illogical. No relationships are perfect, i'm sure that even if you were with this man his physicality wouldn't be enough to detract from his worse points. The statistical likelihood of you finding someone who's better suited is good. I think a healthy dose of perspective is needed the most. Allow yourself to feel attracted to him, in time it may well pass, but be mindful that you're in 'love' with an image of him - one that likely doesn't exist in reality. It is ok to feel this way. Practically speaking he is also involved with someone else but you know he isn't the last of his kind. I think there is hope to be found in the latter. |
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#13
Jul 12, 2013, 05:11 PM
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why do you think that im in love with only the idea of him, and if i knew him, that it cant be more?
what if he is really the great man that he seems to be? i dont think that he is faking the way that he is, and i can tell that he is really a good person i know that i would love him "for real" if i just had a chance with him i know that he will have "flaws" but i am sure that i can overlook them im not expecting him to be perfect and even now there are some things that i do not like about him but it doesnt matter, to me he is already perfect and i love him already i cant really imagine what he could do, besides something like cheating on me, that would make me not love him i dont believe in soul mates either or theres only 1 person in the entire world that could be the perfect person for someone but i think that, sometimes you can tell if someone will be one of those people without knowing everything about them for me i only need to know certain things everything else i can overlook maybe not everyone is like this, or that im more shallow than other people also for me its hard to find someone that makes me feel this way i havent felt like this about anyone in over 5 years so maybe he isnt the only one in the whole world.. but it is so rare for me that maybe i will encounter someone that makes me feel this way not many times in my life maybe not again maybe once in 10 years i dont know Last edited by nicolerose; Jul 12, 2013 at 05:23 PM. |
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#14
Jul 12, 2013, 05:29 PM
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This seems to be an issue you find particularly concerning so i will try to breakdown my response in the hope of better answering your questions.
why do you think that im in love with only the idea of him? Because you yourself said that you don't really know him - love is a strong emotion, one that usually requires strong reasons, do you yourself find it realistic to say that you love a man you hardly know? what if he is really the great man that he seems to be? But the point is you don't know that, and the likelihood is that you'll never know - he's in a relationship with someone else. i dont think that he is faking the way that he is, and i can tell that he is really a good person This statement is contradictory, you don't 'think' he is faking the way he is yet you 'know' he is a good person - it doesn't make sense. No one is saying he is fake although if he isn't on more personal terms with you he is likely to be courteous and polite etc. i know that i would love him "for real" if i just had a chance with him Again this is another contradictory statement - you cannot know what you have not experienced, you don't know enough about him, you also have limited information on his perception of you. i know that he will have "flaws" but i am sure that i can overlook them im not expecting him to be perfect and even now there are some things that i do not like about him but it doesnt matter, to me he is already perfect and i love him already More contradictory statements. The last part is particularly odd - you're original question was whether you could love someone you don't really know and yet you seem to have answered your own question. Perhaps what you really want to know if what you're feeling is somehow 'wrong.' i cant really imagine what he could do, besides something like cheating on me, that would make me not love him How do you think his girlfriend would feel about him cheating on her with you though? I admit i find it strange that you would happily be with someone as long as they don't cheat and yet they would have to cheat in order to be with you? None of this post was meant negatively and i hope you don't take it that way. I believe your thinking is actually quite clouded at the moment and perhaps you might benefit from getting some sort of professional help if you find this situation begins to affect how you function from day to day. People here can only help encourage you to find healthier ways of dealing with the situation should you desire this, we are not professionals, nor can we give you correct answers or tell you what is the right thing to do but we CAN be here to support you if you so wish. I hope there was something to take from this response. All the best. |
| Jannaku
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#15
Jul 12, 2013, 05:40 PM
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Quote:
..The man he seems to be is not the same as the man is. One is a presumption, the other is a fact. I hope he is a great man, but neither of us knows that, sorry. ...You dont think he is faking anything, and you can tell. How can you tell? Do you actually know this man as a friend? If you knew and hung out with him then that would make sense. But if you do not know him, then it is again, a presumption. Sorry again. You do not know he is perfect, even though to you he is - sorry, because you do not know him. It's not possible! I think all your views and judgements of this fella are based on your feelings now... And those are of infatuation, lust and all other things that feel really strong and powerful. You cannot tell if things would work out with you both, you can't tell anything - the only way you really would be able to tell is to get to know him. I know you hate to hear all this, and for me not to agree with you. But am so sorry, I don't think anyone will agree 100%. I can sympathise and offer a shoulder to lean on, but I don't think I can ever agree. |
| Jannaku
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#16
Jul 12, 2013, 05:42 PM
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Spockette writes it better !
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#17
Jul 12, 2013, 05:53 PM
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Quote:
What worries me is that you seem to believe that a person needs to be perfect for you to love him. This is a horrible belief to hold. You need to get rid of it ASAP. I agree with many others that you seem to be living in a world of fantasy, but there is nothing wrong with that PER SE. What is worrisome is that your living in the world of fantasy seems to reinforce the idea of perfection in a partner. Even an imaginary partner should not be perfect. I also hope that eventually you will get to see that people who are perfect (if such existed) are plain uninteresting. |
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#18
Jul 12, 2013, 06:05 PM
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Quote:
You say nothing you learned about him could make you stop loving him. What about finding out that he does not share your feelings? Would that be a deterrent for you? What if he found out that you were in love with him, and he had a negative reaction to that news? What if he does not see you in the same positive way that you see him? What if he is not interested in getting to know you better, either platonically or romantically? Or, what if he spent more time getting to know you, and then decided he was not interested? I am NOT saying this is the case-- I have no idea. All we know is that he has a girlfriend. So, at least for the time being, he seems to prefer this girl to you. He knows you as well as you know him and, so far, he is not taking steps to get to know you better. In my experience, part of being in love is the way the other person makes you feel about yourself. They lift you up, they compliment you, they make you laugh, they make you smile, they go out of their way to make your day better. I can't imagine being in love with someone who didn't make me feel as though I were special-- like if someone preferred someone else over me or didn't seem to notice that I existed. I've felt that way before, and I realized that it wasn't really love. We've all had the experience of falling for someone romantically, and not having our feelings returned. It's painful. It's awful. It tears us apart. It makes us wonder if we're ever going to find true love. It makes us wonder if we're even lovable in the first place. And, when you're young, it hurts even more-- because we haven't experienced real love yet, so we think every infatuation is the best thing there is and we don't know if it will ever happen again. But it does. Eventually. And the first time you find yourself in a mutual, loving relationship-- you'll know it. And the pain of those early infatuations won't hurt as bad anymore. It's all a part of the difficult process of becoming an adult and figuring life out as we go along. |
 anonymous82113
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| hamster-bamster, Jannaku
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#19
Jul 12, 2013, 06:07 PM
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I believe that the intense feelings that you are having for this guy and the thought patterns that you are having constitute an infatuation bordering on an obsession. Both Riotgrrrl and Spockette have clearly outlined why in their answers. Apart from "loving" him, you do not know him and are devising fantasies based on what you think he is like, what your future together would be like, etc. All your answers are based on fantasy and not rooted in reality. You can not know that he is a good person, will love you, would make a great partner or any of these things without knowing him. I am concerned that you are so locked into this dream with him that you may end up crashing to earth if your dreams are not realized. Although it's nice to dream you still need to keep your feet firmly rooted in reality.
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| hamster-bamster
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#20
Jul 12, 2013, 06:19 PM
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Quote:
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#21
Jul 12, 2013, 06:59 PM
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Otoh - if we just look at the thread title and a lot of the other threads in the relationship forum, it probably is a lot easier ie more possible to love someone you dont know that well. Cuz once you get to know them, that's when the going gets tough. Unfortunately.
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| anonymous82113, Jannaku
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#22
Jul 12, 2013, 07:00 PM
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Quote:
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#23
Jul 12, 2013, 07:21 PM
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Hankster, is that love then? I am not being difficult, but surely what you've written is that it's being in love with the idea of someone, not the reality. So is that love?
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#24
Jul 12, 2013, 07:36 PM
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Quote:
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#25
Jul 12, 2013, 09:32 PM
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I've had a similar situation recently and came to the conclusion that I was just projecting my desire to be in love with my guy. I had intense feelings quickly but had to keep them in check so I didn't become blinded by infatuation. I don't know him well enough to truly love him but in my mind he could be the one for me. I could see it going somewhwre but had to let it go. I try to use my energy and thought to create a future. Possibilities are endless!
Don't give up on finding that feeling again that will last. |
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