What did I do wrong?

Friday night, my boyfriend's best friend, James, came over to outline my boyfriend's new tattoo, and we were watching CNN and he started making racist comments. I made it clear that I didn't agree,but he kept going... So I went for a walk, hoping that he'd be gone by the time I got back. He wasn't, and he kept insisting on talking to me, even though I had tears on my face and my body language was saying No. Finally I went into our bedroom to read until he left. Every time he had to pee, and he had to pee a lot, he'd ask what I was doing and blah blah blah...

So the next day, when the Zimmerman verdict was announced,he texts me saying "not guilty, Woot!" I was so pissed off, and I told him to "**** off you ignorant asshole." He responds back, "LMFAO. Tell that to the jury you bleeding heart *****." I said "You need to leave me alone. You didnt get the hint last night. i dont want to hear your ignorant racist crap anymore. Stop texting me"

Then, he called my boyfriend to gloat and my boyfriend put him on speakerphone, so I got up to leave. My boyfriend then accidentally hung up on James and asked me if I was okay. "No. im not okay. i dont appreciate your best friend goading me into crap." He gave a frustrated sigh and turned back to his phone to redial as I left for a walk.

The next day, I went into the computer room and asked my boyfriend if I could ask him a question. At first he said no. A min or two later he says "what is your question?" I said " What do you expect me to do about This thing with James?" He says " What do you mean?" I said, I mean, I dont really want anything to do with someone who will disrespect me like that." He turned back to his computer and said "I knew there was a reason I said no in the first place." And said nothing else for the next five minutes which is when I left the room.

I actually heard him on the phone saying "I'm sorry about this thing with Blaize." I feel like he is mad at me because of what happened, and I dont understand why its acceptable for someone to goad me into a response and then calling me a bleeding heart ***** for it.

Someone please explain what I did wrong? I know I shouldnt have called him an asshole, but does he bear no responsibilty for trying to shove his racist views at me and goading me into it?

You didnt do anything wrong. James was acting like a richard. A lot of people are upset about the outcome. He wasnt looking to discuss it, he was looking to act like a butt. How old is he? Given the activities you all were involved in, I assume youre fairly young and casual? Now you know his politics and you can think about if those are the kinds of people you want to spend your adulthood around. I once went to a party up north with my first husband after which I thought, if we were just dating, I would never want to see this guy again. Unfortunately we were already married. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

I am 31, my boyfriend is 48 and james is 50. My boyfriend finally talked to me about it and he's mad cuz I called james an ignorant @&$)(;:. It doesn't matter to him that I was goaded. so now I have to apologize just to keep them both happy.

I really hope you don't apologize. The only thing you did was speak up against something you believe is wrong. That takes courage. Especially in the face (literally) of someone who has no respect for you or others. They are showing their true colors as are you. Maybe the colors don't mix well. No pun intended.

It's sad to learn something ugly about someone we care about. But you can't unlearn it. As far as I see it, the friend is ignorant and racist. And your bf is on his side, not yours. Can you share life with someone who supports ignorance and racism? Has your bf made a stand either way about his beliefs or is he just passively making a statement by supporting his buddy?

My boyfriend does not agree with the racist comments, but he still thinks I picked a fight with his best friend, and threw it in my face this morning (after saying several other unkind things). I apologized, his friend apologized, yet my boyfriend seems to want to hold it against me.

I want to mention, cases like the Zimmerman trial are very dividing topics. This particular case brought race into the picture, which many people don't feel should have even been a factor. It isn't racist to think that the correct verdict was made, in and of itself.

Unfortunately, actual racists flock to this sort of thing, and WOOT WOOT over it all day long. The whole situation is very sad. A boy tragically lost his life at the crossroads of two very troubled people. That isn't saying that Zimmerman is a murderer. He very well could have been acting in self defense. But he put himself IN that situation. You can't jump into a lion cage at the zoo and then shoot the lion and claim it was self defense.

But, only the jury gets to decide, and decide they did. Had they found him guilty, that would have been fine with me, too. Nobody understands fully, except the jury. I'm certainly not going to gloat over it one way or the other, because to do so makes you a racist. That goes for both sides.

Your boyfriends friend should be ashamed of himself. And your boyfriend is supporting him more than you.

Now, for the hard part. You jumped into a lions cage, too. You have justice on your side, but wars are not usually decided by justice. Your racist opponent has dirty tricks up his sleeve. Like intimidation, humiliation, mocking, and of course, the actual outcome of the trial. None of which actually supports his racist views. But you will lose anyway.

Sometimes, the best thing to do is recognize that you are in the company of a viper, and choose not to try to explain why being a viper is wrong.

I do wish your boyfriend would let up, though. You should just say, "come on, if you don't agree with the racist comments, then you must see my point of view. If you see my point of view, then the only thing you are mad at me for is picking the fight. I'm sorry I couldn't keep quiet about it, but I need you to respect my freedom to have my view heard equally with your friends. Are you holding a grudge against him as much as you are holding a grudge against me? That just doesn't seem right if you don't agree with his racist comments."

All I can think right now is that they're 48 and 50 and acting that much like bratty children? Holy crumb they need to grow up and actually act like adults.

I wouldn't put up with racist crap either.

Who owns where you and your bf live? Is it a mutually-owned/rented place, or does one of you own it? If it's yours... I'd flat out say that James isn't welcome back in the house unless he stops saying racist crap.

And tell your bf that if he doesn't stand up against racist comments then he is also a racist. Slavery and whatnot went on as long as it did because people didn't stand up to it. It's the bystander effect and it's WRONG. Don't apologize for standing up for other people and refusing to tolerate that sort of s***.

I agree that this entire situation is pretty jacked up. But your bf should not be mad at you at all! It sounds to me like you were poked and poked until you reacted by this friend of your bf's. Your bf should be a real man and not allow anyone to disrespect you. For him to side with his friend on this deal is wrong! He should be pissed at the friend for what he said to you! Not cool!

much agreed

I have no trouble at all with your response to James, except that you let it go on too long, expecting him to "care". He doesn't so I would not either. The problem I have is with your boyfriend and his reaction. If he has a friend like this, he can't be enough "different" that he is likely to treat me with respect? I don't see any respect for you from your boyfriend that when you told James to shut his face your boyfriend did not back that; it's your home, you should not have to go in the other room, he should have been asked to leave by your boyfriend and/or the two of them should have left, etc.

I couldn't date someone who is friends with racists or apologises to racists for people criticising their racist views.

Just saying.

Perfectly said!