so confused

Hello, i am really confused about this situation and would really appreciate any opinion.

I have a boyfriend, or better had? i dont know if we are together anymore and i dont know what to do about my feelings.

we've been dating for 9 months, but became intimate only in the last month. he is a good guy, has said and done all the right things, been kind and patient with me and tried to respect my pace, but im not in love with him, dont even like him, and never feel like seeing him because we cant communicate and i even hate his kisses.

BUT we've been both alone for a long time and since we're kind of similar in thinking and lifestyle we both thought it could work out between us. only that recently i find myself more and more aware that i am more annoyed with him than happy to see him.

but as soon as i decide (by myself - in my head) that its over i am overwhelmed with sadness and hopelessness and feel the need to text him (not see him) to know he's still there and we still have some kind of connection or hope.

we already have kind of talked about our issues and expectations but didnt come up with a solution or decision, we just kept dating hoping things would change. and they didnt.

i am confused by my own feelings and reactions to them. on one hand i never feel like seeing him, but on the other hand i miss him when i dont, even though i would prefer writing texts/email to seeing him in person - while he doesnt. AND, on one hand i think we should talk, but on the other hand i already know it would be useless.
maybe we should just be friends but i dont know if its an option... or what i really want.

please, i would really appreciate any thought on this. i am really confused and dont know what to think/feel/do. any input is welcomed. thanks

The fact that you do not want to see him is really your answer. 9 months on in a relationship should be still good fun and full of butterflies in the tummy, and warm feelings when you think of them. Please let him go, be a good friend to him and let him find someone who does like to see him and his kisses.. and be a good friend to yourself and find someone that ticks those boxes for you too.

You can't fool a heart you know, and even though you miss him and hate the idea of breaking up, if your heart isn't in it, it isn't in it. There's very little you can do! It really is better to be alone and make your own life as full, fun and as good as possible than be miserable with the wrong person.

Look after yourself...

What a treasure trove of feelings and thoughts you've expressed. In reading your post I see wisdom, desire, thoughtfulness, confusion, self examination, self expression and lonliness. Of it all I like "maybe we should just be friends" the most. It is the key to unlocking the mystery of this relationship. Liking and loving are not mutually inclusive. Just as you can like someone but not love them, you can love someone and not like them. (Think about family and friends.) There are times when you are not able to like or love someone. When you reach this level of ambiguity in a relationship it is time to move on, as you cut your losses. Consider removing love from your relationship equation. That may be just too strong an emotion for your situation. Create guidelines for your "friendly relationship." ie; how often and how do you communicate. What are you willing to discuss? How much time are you willing to devote to maintaining the relationship. TIP: Honor the lowest stated preference. EX; if either of you indicate you want to discontinue the relationship, honor that. STOP communicating. TIP 2: Focus on yourself. The greatest relationship you will ever develop is with yourself. Learn who you are and what you want to enjoy your life. You can do this, seek help if you want it.

I agree with riotgrrl. You need to let him go. There will be someone for you that you will be happy to see but you can't find him if you are in a relationship with someone else. I know it will be hard being alone so plan things you like to do for yourself and stay busy.
Gayle

I agree too. Let him go. Be friends if you can, but stop all the fake romantic stuff. No holding hands or kissing or whatever. If you can't do that then you have to distance yourself from him completely until you can.

I hope you don't feel as though you have to be in a relationship, and that if it doesn't work with him, you will be without a relationship.

1. You DON'T have to be in a relationship to be happy.
2. You ARE valuable. So if you choose to be in a relationship, you would be wasting your time on someone that you don't want to be with when you could be "available".

Thank you very much everyone for your answers.

i've decided to try and talk with him again today.

i'll try to be more clear about what i need/want and expect from our relationship hoping he will do the same and then we'll see what happens.

thank you for helping me see there might be only friendship between us. i was hoping things will change but maybe its time to stop hoping and looking at what there is.

Only you can figure out whether you WANT a friendship. on the surface, being similar in thinking/lifestyle and yet hating the kissing does seem to mean that you should stop kissing and be friends without kisses.

It is one thing not to enjoy kisses and be neutral - you can grow to enjoy them with time. But since you are positively hating his kisses, you won't be able to overcome your aversion. So, as everybody else has suggested, let him go. Be a friend or not be a friend, but let him go as bf material.

Thank you for your answers.... mayeb you all are right, maybe we should just be friends but its not so easy giving up hope, on both sides i guess.

we met yesterday, got to talk, blamed each other for whats going wrong and ended up kissing. i feel good about my physical response but bad about whats been said.

i am still confused, maybe more than before.... maybe we need a break? could it help?

well if you liked the physical response to kissing, then maybe kiss more and see what happens? without holding on to hope too much, but just playing it by ear?

I suspect you may have some minor self esteem issues. What is bothering you about the idea of breaking up? And I'm not talking about breaking up to "see if it would help", but breaking up to not have him as a boyfriend ANY MORE. Really think about this. Try and get in touch with your anxiety over that idea to figure out what you are afraid of.

I feel like your last post combined with Ham-Bams response is just moving you back to post number 1. Soap operas on T.V. do this perpetually to keep people watching day after day for the resolution. But resolution rarely comes!

I have never watched soap operas, but I think I get what you are saying.

My response was a reaction to new information re: kissing. Something changed and, perhaps, that warrants further exploration. Whether you like kissing somebody is an important piece of information. If something changed in that department, it is worthy of notice.

I doubt anything actually changed, the response to kissing could have been nothing more than "oh yes he's still mine"...

9 months? you should've developed something with this guy by now and have had ample time with getting to like his kissing. You should atleast have been fond of him, yet your only attachement to him is your issue with being alone.

Idk his reason for staying with you, desperation, unrequited love, who knows, you never said, just mentioned "hope". But you... I think you're being very selfish, holding onto a guy you don't even like simply because you have an aversion to being alone.

Not cool, not fair. Be a friend and let him go, let him find someone who actually wants him, and not just the appearance of a bf/relationship.

Both of you are being robbed blindly by this setup, neither's needs or wants are actually being met, so really, stop wasting eachother's time with false hope.

Hopefully you'll soon find a proper bf, you know, not a pretend one.

You mention that you and he cannot communicate. You stress that you are not in love with him nor even like him.
You mention that you text, to know that he is still there. You mention that you both had been alone for a long time, going into this relationship.
One would imagine, that after building up a relationship with a person, and waiting to become intimate, the feelings would be there. However, it doesn't sound like a true emotional bond was forged.
Was this staying, 9 months, in a relationship more a matter of avoiding being alone, than it was about building up a loving, nurturing relationship?
It doesn't sound like that was built, before becoming intimate.
What would seem fair, would be to step away from both the friendship and intimate relationship. I say this, because you mention you cannot communicate and that you don't even like him.

It would be fair, for the both of you, to step away, and move on, and when the time comes for someone more right for you, you will both be emotionally available for a new person.

Hanging onto a friendship, for the sake of not being alone, doesn't leave either one of you emotionally available to date another person. That's not fair, to anyone.

You are all right, i know it.... but you have to consider that he's staying with me for the same reason im staying with him. he even told me so. fear of loneliness...

i have decided im taking a break and then see what happens.
Thank you for your responses.