[Nobodyandnothing]

After much thought, yesterday I told my husband we had to get some counseling or we should divorce. I told him the love was gone in our marriage. I said I was ready to rent an apt just to get away even though $ would be tight. I know he thinks it is the major depression and anxiety making me say this. I am so scared. All he did was hand me a washcloth for my face. He hasn't talked to me since. Worse still, we are on vacation with three of our five children although they really are all young adults, ages 16 and up. I felt like I would implode and had to tell him. Why couldn't I wait? What do I do now?

He never physically abused me but I think we mentally abuse each other. One of us could not say anything without the other sniping back. The tone in his voice was always harsh even to our children. They are becoming bitter and the older ones don't like to come home. He is hard of hearing and it is driving me crazy. Whenever I would talk to him and not get a reply I would ask "did you hear me?" amd he would get angry. I also have a terrible memory compliments of meds and ECT and he would get angry when I could not remember things that he or someone else told me.

Believe me, I am no prize. I was the high income breadwinner and he was the stay at home dad until my depression returned in a big way more than 8 years ago. Now I am like a lump. I do not clean house at all. I read books and newspapers. The only things I really do for my family are shop and make dinner and sometimes do laundry and empty the dishwasher. I lay on the couch after I get up (late) and have my coffee. After I make dinner (usually something I can throw in the crockpot), I am back on the couch or in bed. He is 9 years older than me so he was able to retire early.

Question: Has anyone successfully gone through marriage counseling?

What is the best way to choose a counselor? I already have a relationship with a T. I would think that person would probably not work because she may side with me but maybe I am wrong. My 16 yo son goes to a different T due to his ADHD, depression and anxiety. She has seen both of us with our son a few times. Might she be a choice?

Does anyone have any advice? I know you can't give clinical advice but any words of wisdom would be most appreciated.

I really do not want a divorce. I want to make our marriage work but right now the love is gone. I am so empty.

Thanks do much for reading this. Bless you all.

Peace,
Nobody

ps. I am on a combination of lexipro, lamactil, wellbutrin xl,nortriptylin, ritilin and ambien for depression and diovan, synothoid and maxalt mlt for other things. I have been on 49 different meds to try and treat my depression and I have had more than 65 ECT treatments over time, 55 within the past 8 years.

[gayleggg]

I would ask my therapist for a referral to a good marriage counselor. That way you are both starting on equal footing. I hope he agrees to go for both your sakes.

Depression can be so dehabilitating. Sorry you are having to go through that, too. I suffer from depression as well and know how hard it makes life.
Good luck to you.
Gayle

[kaliope]

Perhaps starting by telling hubby you spoke too quickly by saying you want a divorce and letting him know that you really want to work on the marriage thru marriage counseling. As gayle said, your current t would be able to give you a good referral to a marriage counselor that would work for both of you. good luck and take care. Perhaps you could start by looking at the positive things he does for you, no matter how small, handing you the salt over dinner, and pointing these things out in appreciation. a little goes a long way.

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

Why so many meds at once? That can cause depression not necessarily help it. Being depressed and on med s that mess with your brain can make what is a loving spouse who is simply frustrated or discouraged look like a hating miserable spouse. Keep that in mind and apologize for the timing, the way it was put, and feeling hopeless. Let him know how you feel with practice with your t first, and that you want him know are not giving up and would like to work through it.then mention an accredited marriage counselor you have found.that's what I would do anyway...and heaven knows I don't know everything

[~Christina]

My husband and I hit a wall a few years ago , snippy and both of us just over the marriage and felt that the other deserved better. Financially there just wasn't a way for one of us to move out or afford couples counseling So we had to find a way to handle it...

We Both agreed that we both needed space and that we would simply be kind to each other.. Being kind in any interaction made us both realize that basic kindness had been missing for awhile. Over the span of 3-4 months we were able to start talking about the problems we had. At that point the immediate anger has faded enough for us to deal with all the things that built up and boiled over.

We are fine now , even better than before. I know we got lucky.

I hope you can find a way to be happy together again.

[jadzea]

I can understand your feeling of having to get out to fix things. I have been there and it is not fun. Just take a breath, calm yourself and relax. Things can get better.

First, apologize to your H for asking for the divorce and tell him you have reconsidered and want to stay together. Ask him to work with you to make that happen. Your T is the best source for finding a marriage counselor.

My H and I used to snap at each other and bicker all the time. Finally one day we made an oral agreement and a decision to stop that behavior. Things got better almost immediately. We have worked out a way of letting each other know when they are not being too nice without accusing them of yelling. When one of us snaps at the other we ask the grouchy one, "Are you upset with me?" That is a signal to tone down their emotions. You could also tell you H that you never know if he hears you or not and ask him to get his hearing tested and some hearing aids if possible.

If you can afford it hire someone to clean your house. There is no rule that says it is your job just because you are the female or because you are home during the day. It is so nice to be able to sit and read while someone else is doing the work you hate to do. Also, your young adult children can pitch in and do some of the housework. It will do them good.

Try taking a cooking class. Pick some ethnic group such as Chinese or Italian and learn to make that type of food. That may spark an interest in cooking again. There is nothing wrong with crock pot cooking. Get yourself a good slow cooker cookbook and try some new things. It will add variety without making more work for you.

Once I was thinking about moving out or our house because my husband and I were just not connecting. A friend gave me a book called, "Can This Marriage Be Saved?" It is short case histories of couples who went for marriage counseling. Each one of the pair tells their side of the story and then the therapist tells what they think. I didn't learn anything earth shattering from the book except that it made me realize that both of us were responsible for our situation. I decided to work on myself. Once I changed my focus things got much better. If you can find the book, read it. It is worth a try.

Good luck with your efforts and I hope you are soon back on the forum telling us how good things worked out. Take care of yourself.

[healingme4me]

Sorry to hear you are going through this, right now

I agree, that your personal T, may not quite be the better choice for couples counseling.

Not sure of your ability to finance marriage counseling. Perhaps a referral from your current T. Looking through the phone book. On-line research, I've heard good things about IMAGO couples therapy.

There's possibilities. It just can get pricey. I like what Christine^^^ wrote, about that type of attempt to work at things, when money was an issue.

Will your H, be a willing participant, at working on his half? You are already in T. What does your T, say about the desire to divorce?

I'm all for, trying to do what you can, before actually leaving it all behind.

[Nobodyandnothing]

Thank you all very much for your responses. I appreciate all the thoughtful suggestions. I did ask H if he would consider counseling and he said maybe. It's a start.

You are right that the real problem relates to kindness. We are not kind to each other. I hope we can have a real discussion and perhaps come up with a signal to think before reacting as you suggested. H was tested for hearing several years ago but I will (kindly) ask him to go again.

I am interested also in your thoughts about the meds I am taking. Is it unusual to take so many or is the combination unusual?

I respect all of you so much for your wisdom, insight and generosity. I tried to send a pm to thank each of you. Christina, I tried to send a private to you too but I could not get the box to popup. Of course I am sending from my nook not a regular computer. Anyway, Christina, you are, as my kids would say, "awesome".

I just wish this trip was over, but then I have to go home to my older sons who have lost all respect for me because I used to be somebody but now I am nobody and nothing. Perhaps it would be best if I just left. I know I could not take my 16 yo with me becausehe has some issues too. It seems hopeless. Maybe there is no way out, but I am so beyond miserable . I did come up with an idea though. I have several health issues. If I croak from one of them no one can blame me. Natural causes, right?

[LostNAngry]

I am sorry you are feeling so depressed. I suffer from Depression/Bipolar/BPD etc.. I know depression makes you feel like you are a nobody but as my T says "just because you feel a certain way does not make it the truth or a fact. It is what you are feeling at that moment in time and that time will pass." Try to enjoy what is left of your vacation even if it is spending time by yourself figuring out what you can do to help improve your marriage. I am currently sleeping in our spare bedroom and not even speaking to my husband nor does he speak to me. If we have to tell each other something we email each other or stick up a note. I know how hard it is when you are feeling low and then your marriage is suffering also. Hugs to you....

[~Christina]

Im glad I could offer some words that may help. You are very welcome . I sent you a PM , maybe you can access it.

Awesome ? Hey I needed to hear that today .. Thank you