Was told to share this here, help, crazy mother

I'm here because I don't know what else or where else to go. I'm almost 27 years old and I am the victim of a verbally and physically abusive parent. She is a control freak and she won't let me go. Even now, she won't let me move out. I tried moving out two years ago, and she harassed my room-mate daily, telling them she knew what was right for me and how they should send me back to her. Eventually they gave in when she offered them a sum of $10,000. Every day she yells at me telling me I'm worthless, fat, ugly, a loser, and how I'll never survive without her. She's constantly murdering my self esteem. I've often wondered about going to the police - but when I tried that when I was younger when she used to beat me - she'd tell them "she's bipolar, she's crazy - she hit me first" - and they'd automatically believe her without so much as looking into the situation so I've been afraid to seek help ever since. She sent me to several doctors when I was growing up - if the doctor said "There's nothing wrong with her" she'd fire them and hire another doctor who'd agree with her every word and put me on whatever medication she decided on. She refused to let me go to college out of the city and wouldn't even let out of the state for a weekend until I was 22. She's been smothering me all my life, and pushing all her self-hatred onto me and my sister - who turned to drugs to cope...I have no idea where to go, or what I can do. I thought giving up and just waiting until she passes away to finally be free...but I don't know how much more I can handle. So I found this place...hopefully there might be someone who knows what I can do?

Can you move and not tell her where you are going? Change your cell number and bank account password. Don't tell your sister, either and keep the same area code on your phone. Also block your mom on facebook. If she contacts you keep a record of it and report it to the police right away.

You definitely need to get out of that house. I agree with Confuedinomicon. Move without a forwarding address and have no further contact with this woman. You are an adult and can move out of her reach. No one should take that kind of abuse. Good luck.
Gayle

But what about all my stuff? How the heck do I get it out? And I have no real college education cause she wouldn't let me go anywhere so finding a decent paying job is going to be difficult and she's kept me so close to her and in the dark - she's made sure to prevent me from learning how to be independent...the more independent I learned to become, the tighter her grip would become. She's filled my head with so many lies about reality as I grew up, ones I believed - I don't know what's real or not, the research sites on the internet are all confusing so it's even harder to figure out...and because she wouldn't let me pay for anything on my own and controls all my money - I have no credit to be able to get a place of my own anywhere. What on earth can I do? Should I go to the police for help - or will they laugh in my face for coming forward this late in the game?

I was 33.5 years of age when I finally escaped.

My mother was also my primary abuser, but the rest of the family wasn't guiltless.

I had to legally change my name and move away to another city.

That means you must sever contact with any and all people from your past.

Otherwise they'll be able to betray your trust to your abuser(s).

I made that mistake once and shall never make it again.

There are domestic violence centers that can help you with your transition.

Just make sure it's absolutely what you are ready and willing to do.

Sad to say it's the only way, and I wish you the best!

It isn't easy, but it is doable.

The rest of the family abandoned my mother. Her own brothers sued her a few years ago over her manipulating them out of the family business. Nobody talks to her, she has no friends. the coworkers at the family business watched her abuse me - she'd verbally abuse me out in the open at the office - a few of them called her out when she laid them off....and all my friends...are terrified of her - nobody comes to visit me cause they're that scared of her. They want me to get out too, but they're as clueless as to how to get me out of here as I am. That's why I'm here. I'd like as many details as possible...cause i have a vague idea, but without details I can't start doing anything but thinking - which i've already been doing.

I would take, whatever measures you possibly can, to relocate and just cut off all contact to her. At 22 years old, I recognize, that though past the legal age of 18, there's still that bond to parents, at this age, when one has been in college. Offering to pay off roommates to send you back home, that sound like a most horrible, experience
It's concerning to have family members, in life, that think nothing of contacting your personal medical doctors and spew forth junk at the mouth, about you and their 'concern' for you, especially when it can be a form of trying to control you. I fully appreciate, unfortunately, what it's like to have concern family members make calls like that. It's really hard to trust your doctors, when it's known that although your doctors cannot discuss your file with them, but they are hearing these things, and the trust issue is because deep down, you are wondering(well at least I have), what their perception is of you.

I wonder, if there is a way, to ask, that not only, your file not be discussed, but if you can request, that she not be allowed to voice concern for you?

I'm glad you're thinking.

Please don't let your family or friends put you on a back burner.

If they aren't willing to help you "escape", then turn to other people that will.

If I'd have waited on my family to help me, I'd be dead.

Good Luck & Best Wishes!

Oh my Doctors are on my side at this point. They lie to her, cause they're like "she'll go after us and fire us or try and turn you against us, she's downright crazy. Try to find help to get out of that place...Trust us, we believe you." she's already trying to turn me against my general doctor because she suspects he believes me.

When I turned 18 a friend came and got me and I was going to move in with them in Alabama...we were doing it right after I graduated high school to get me out of the abuse. I left her a note saying "I'm 18, I'm leaving, Wish me luck" trying to be nice - I'm not the type to have my last words to someone be vapid and cruel despite what they've done to me...she put me on missing peoples and made up this huge elaborate sob story to get everyone helping her find us. We got picked up at the bus station in Nashville...they locked us up cause they thought my friend was abducting me cause of what she was telling the news and stuff. When she got there, she threatened me "come back with me, or I'll ruin his life." so I went back.... And after that - I sorta don't blame my other friends for not trying to help anymore.

When you go this time, don't say nothing to no one ... Just disappear and don't look back.

Once you get settled into a new place, have your name legally changed and move again.

I'm living proof that if you don't want to be found there are things you can do to not be found.

You've got to make sure you are absolutely ready to never have contact with anyone from your past ever again though ... It's the only way - Kinda like your very own Witness Protection Program.

But how do I go? She holds all my money...and without credit....how do I get a place?

That's where a domestic violence center can come in handy.

They'll help you find shelter and safety until you can stand on your own.

I urge you to get into contact with one today.

What's a domestic violence center?

It helps people who are living in domestic violence situations to get out of it.

They'll find you a place to stay ... They'll help you get the counseling you need ... They'll help you find a job ... They'll help you develop skills you need to get a job ... They'll be with you each step of the way until you are able to stand on your own.

Check your local phone directory.

I don't advise discussing it with your doctor or other family members or friends as they've already shown they'll betray your trust.

It's scary, but not as scary as what you're currently living in.

Our abusers make us totally dependent on them so they can maintain their power and control over us.

But there are ways to break away from their sadistic power trips.

I didn't know about domestic violence centers when I escaped, but I do now and I strongly believe in them and their abilities.

Best thing about them is that they will never betray your trust by revealing anything about you to your abuser(s) ... It will be all about you and your safety and well-being.

Again, just make sure it's absolutely what you want and are ready to do.

Hello there, and sorry that you've been going through all this...

Loads of excellent advice from others, but I would like to add a little if ok? Leaving someone like this takes courage, but I agree with the others, it sounds like it will be your only change of a calm and peaceful life. You deserve so much more. Am glad too that you are thinking about how to go about it, it's brave and a really good important step.

While you are thinking, it may give you the opportunity to start planning too - even if you don't go immediately. Do things like set up another bank account secretly, and try put any spare dollars your mum leaves with you in there. If and when you do go, you could also ask work (if you work) to pay your wages in there.
The other thing that's worth thinking because you mention your belongings, is to plan to leave when your mum is out the house.. that way you can leave without her stopping you (or knowing in advance) and be able to grab a couple of bags of your things. I realise you probably can't take it all with you, but you will one day, be able to replace things when you make a new life for yourself, so please take comfort in that. And they are just things, your mind, your welfare are much more important.

Please don't worry about what the police would think of you if you did say something. They would've come across someone in your position before and they are not there to judge you anyway. If you do need them, please don't be afraid.

Please look after yourself, and am wishing you all the best. Things will get better.

Hugs.

Thing is, she NEVER leaves. She has no friends, no place to go. she literally never leaves. And i have no job now, i worked at her company and when she had to sell it, her last act as president was to throw me under the bus.

Who does the shopping? Does she go to the docs or dentist? Is there even an hour window for you to get out without her there? Ugg, doesn't sound easy, but even if you have to go in the middle of the night, then that's what it may take. The other thing that may have to happen is to get the help from the woman's shelter, perhaps they can be with you when you leave? Not sure how it works, but at least if you had someone like that you can have help. The police may help too, as to keep you prisoner is illegal, let alone abuse. I know it sounds dramatic, but you're in an extreme situation, so sometimes extreme things need to happen to get away.
Am sorry that you're going through this - you will find a way, am sure of it.

You are in a terrible situation. I think everyone has great advice. Woman shelter for abuse is a very good idea. As far as how do you leave since she is there all the time.. Like Riot said she has to go out at some point.. and I would assume she sleeps. Many women leave in the middle of the night, that is an option.

The one thing I would say is right now while you can go thru your personal belongings and decide what you want to take , say .. pictures or anything that means something to you. Pack a duffel bag with few changes of clothes whatever personal things and hide it. When and if you make the decision to leave you can grab it and go. It's a shame that you may need to do this to have a life on your own.. but abuse is abuse. You deserve to be safe.

Stay safe

The womens shelters are a good place to turn to, this is why they are there. Not just for women who are abused by their husbands. I went to one when I fled my abusive husband with my three young children ( there were women from many different situations ) My children were 5, 4 and my youngest was 2 and a half at that time. We only left with one suitcase of clothing for all four of us. We went to the shelter in our small city but since it was not safe for us to stay there they transferred and helped me secure the funds to travel to a shelter in another city quite far away within a few days. I had to go to court to obtain custody while in that shelter and then again we were transferred to another shelter in a different city because my ex now at least had the city location from court docs.

In the final city they helped me secure income, housing, counselling, medical care, furniture, clothing and anything we needed to start our life new. They were not judgemental at all and very caring and kind, very supportive and most of all safe.

All I can tell you is that yes it was scary at first, but I knew I had to get out in order to live any kind of decent life. It was worth it in every way. To be able to wake up and feel safe and know what is going to happen that day to some extent. To taste freedom and make my own decisions for the betterment of my own life. To be able to finally start building my confidence and have it remain intact without my abuser tearing it down. To be able to have peace to work on healing. To be able to raise my children in a loving peaceful secure and stable home.. worth the most.

And now I have a really good life. I have happiness, peace, freedom, healed wounds, and have been able to finally grow and flourish into the woman I should and can be. Now I can look around at my life and my home and know that I really was able to create this life. I have a job, a nice home, a loving relationship, hopes, dreams and acheivements and more goals... everything we need to live a comfortable and content life. We have love and happiness that I know we would not have been able to have where we were.

That is what I hope for you too. You can create the life you desire and deserve no matter how many setbacks, no matter how hard, scary or hopless it might seem or feel. That is an illusion that can keep us stuck if we don't reach out to check and see what might happen if we can allow ourselves to walk through it.

You can always call the shelter and see what they can do, I was offered police assistance to retrieve my things but I was too scared to go back. He was arrested one day later but my belongings just were not worth my freedom or life at that point. Things can be replaced, living and time cannot be replaced. They are precious. I hope you can reach out and get the help and support you need to walk through to the other side.

I told myself a mantra every day after the first day I left, it was "I will not sacrifice my happiness". It was simple but got me through and helped me remind myself what I was doing this for. It helped me stay strong when I felt weak, and warm enough when I felt cold. Maybe there is something you could use like that to help give you strength. Something that speaks to your soul.

I wish you the best, I am glad you found pc. I hope you stick around. Sorry for the long story, just wanted to share so you know that there is help available for you too and most of all hope.

Pfrog is right..it's not as scary as what you are living in. And that scared feeling can melt into excitement and love for life once you settle into your own living.

You need to make a plan. If you are working, start saving every dime you make. If not, possibly find work with a company that has multiple locations so that you can transfer. Decide where you want to go.
Then begin to build your credit. A store credit card is often a good place to start if you have never had credit before. Be sure to have a paperless account that you can manage online. Purchase a few items, easy to pay off each month, for a couple months. Then other creditors will start to offer you credit. Be very careful with this. Keep all of it online in password protected accounts.
Tell no one of your plans. Watch the movie Sleeping With The Enemy to boost your resolve & cheer yourself on. And don't worry about your stuff. All of it is replaceable.

I would be willing to bet your mom thinks she is protecting you because of the epilepsy. But you can manage it on your own, as you have proven with your good communication with your doctors.

Don't despair! It will get better. Make a plan. Stick to the plan. I wish you only the very best of luck in this adventure to freedom & independence.

Sometimes a good place to start is here. Your mother is not speaking in truths, sometimes a good motivator is showing yourself and your mother just how wrong these statements are. I hope you know deep down that these things she says are false and only a design to keep you controlled. You are the one who gets to decide these things and only you.

It's not that you will never survive without her, it's that it is amazing you survived WITH her! Maybe she knows that too, and that might be scary for her. After all that is a testament to your own strength.

HTO,
I have nothing to add for advice but to agree with the many great posts of advice and support.
Yes, get out, run don't walk. It will be scary but liberating at the same time. You are young, you can get a job, go to school, make new friends, have a life.
Sounds like you could probably write a book too.
Keep us posted...good luck with your liberation from mommy dearest.

This kind of place right? Domestic Violence Program | Human Services | Health & Wellness | St. Louis County, Missouri ?

That's awful, you will actually have to escape to get away from these people on this post, i don't know why some parents act this way, they should just let you learn and grow up on your own. Don't they see this? I really don't know what to say but Good luck in getting out and I'll pray.