[archipelago]

My husband is considerably older than I am and that wasn't really a problem until fairly recently. I am not sure what to do or even how to frame it to handle it. We were away in different parts of the summer, each time more in each other's spaces (and faces) than usual. There were fights that I was totally shocked by. I wondered (and so did my therapist) if he was having a sudden organic decline. It turns out that I suspect that he simply isn't hearing me, then for weird psychological reasons agrees to what I say and then when I come back from whatever it is we've agreed upon, he is furious and almost abusive, doesn't remember what I said, denies the conversation, and if I remind him, he gets more defensive and aggressive about the whole thing so I just want to retreat. We've been together a long time, but this is all new behavior really. I'm not sure what to do. My therapist hasn't been a great resource for this. He has had older parents but not been around them in this capacity. He is a doctor as well so tends to think the worst about an organic decline when I actually suspect it is mainly hearing loss and an embarrassment about that so no hearing aids and agreement even though he actually hasn't heard what he is agreeing to, hence the rage afterwards. I'm getting really taxed by this. I'm basically alone, with just him and my therapist. I don't have anyone else to turn to, not family or friends anymore so I am posting with the hope that someone can see what I'm going through and say something helpful.

[gayleggg]

Have you noticed him turning the TV up louder lately of talking louder himself. Both could be signs of hearing loss. Does he ask you to repeat youself? Have you suggested he be tested for hearing loss or is that something he isn't willing to talk about? His defensive and aggressive manner makes me think it may be more than hearing loss, but I'm not a doctor so I don't know. Just remembering how my dad was when his hearing started to go.

Sorry you are having to go through this. I know it must be tough on you.

[hamster-bamster]

written correspondence wins over in such cases

I once was a TA for a professor who was from China and who obtained a PhD from Princeton.

He could not pronounce English words in such a way as to make his point understood. The issue was not mine, but his - I have since then worked with dozens and dozens of Chinese people and would always understand them fine. So it was his issue.

The dissertation that he wrote was on some very boring, convoluted, and highly quantitative subject, so the writing of his dissertation did not require really good English proficiency. I still thought that Princeton should not have bestowed a doctorate title upon somebody who could not have passed the very basic speaking fluency test, but, unfortunately, Princeton did not (and still does not ) ask for my opinion on how to handle its affairs.

So - it was ugly. It was unpleasant. He would get defensive, upset, and all of that would make him speak with even less clarity.

Then I started emailing him. Everything by email. I never talked to him again. But at least I knew his expectations of me.

I do realize that a husband is not somebody you simply work for part-time, so switching to 100% written exchanges is not an option, but switching to more emails/texts and less talking would be prudent. Writing creates a stable record that persists over time. You cannot claim not having received a message, right? But you can - and your husband does! - claim not having heard or understood a spoken utterance.

That said, he clearly needs to see a hearing specialist, a neurologist, and a psychiatrist - all three.

[Travelinglady]

Can you get him to his regular doctor? Maybe he can offer some suggestions--and maybe pick up on something going on with your husband.

**I am hoping that you will have a chance to talk to the doc about your husband before he meets with him......

Perhaps you can talk to someone at a senior center in your area--or a place that specializes in dealing with older people on a regular basis.....

Best wishes!

[Trippin2.0]

My mom was acting like your husband not too long ago. She's at the upper end of 60 and her hearing is perfect but her short term memory declined rapidly after my dad passed.

She has chalked it down to trauma btw and refuses any medical assistance... go figure.

If we (my brother, daughter or I ) pointed out that we had already had this conversation she would become aggressive and very angry at us and herself.

It's been 3 years and thankfully she hasn't gotten any worse, but its just the same. We have resorted to nodding and appearing to listen attentively even if it's the third time that day she's repeating herself.

This seems to have stopped the anger outbursts, but she still gets visibly upset with herself at times when she realizes she forgot something on her own. She is however at that point where she can sometimes joke about it. Which is progress I say

When I leave for work, I cant leave my mom with instructions to do anything that isn't within routine, she will forget and vehemently deny ever having that conversation because in her reality it never happened. If I have to though, I ask her infront of my 9 y.o and she will then remind mom to do x y or z.

Unless hubby is putting the tv louder and speaking in a raised tone these days, I seriously doubt it's his hearing, he sounds really similar to mom.

I hope you 2 are able to see a dr and have this checked out. If hubby is a proud man, and I sense that he is, advise to get his hearing checked even if you know hearing loss has been ruled out. Ultimately hearing loss is "better" than memory loss on this scale. This way he gets to a dr anyway, whom can hopefully help you guys.

Really sorry its tough

[archipelago]

Thanks for your understanding and suggestions. He does have hearing loss and has hearing aids. He just won't really use them, not unless it's something special. I might have to get him to wear them more regularly, and that might be a battle. Somehow the psychology seems to be similar to memory loss. There must be some denial and some embarrassment that makes people defensive and aggressive about it. He's too old really to go to a therapist. I thought of taking him to mine and might still, but I don't think he would be willing or able to use this as a resource. Instead I might take him to my own under the guise of "couples counseling" so we can get our communication more clear and less problematic. I think being away from home for a whole two month in different places made things harder on both of us. Perhaps now that we are home, he'll settle into the familiar and feel more relaxed so he doesn't get so angry. Also we have more space to ourselves and our own things to do so a little bit more separation will ease the stress of this on me. I'm hoping anyway. I'll talk to his doctor about having some kind of screening for memory. They know it's a problem because recently I was put in charge of his meds because he wasn't following through correctly. It's both sad and also very frustrating. I try to be patient and compassionate, but sometimes I just want to yell back. I might check out a support group for people dealing with older people to see what they say. Mostly that is for kids of older parents who don't live with them. This is my partner so we see each other all the time. Perhaps the trips just put too much strain on that. We didn't have enough space from each other for me to take a break and for him to feel independent. What is a bit scary for me is that this might be the beginning of a serious decline. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.

[SilverNeurotic]

I hope that things improve with your husband. Hopefully he will agree to go to the doctor if the problems don't go away or escalate.

[Perna]

I don't quite get why you are battling about where you go, what you do? If it is a hearing problem or something, I'd write it out so he cannot mis-remember or not have heard, etc. My husband (doing less remembering now than usually too, he's 70) and I keep the same calendar of activities and most things I want to do that are a strain or surprise to the finances I discuss for a long time and talk about, etc. for a long time so there isn't a sudden, "I had fun with my girlfriends in Paris today, thanks for letting me take the trip!" conversation

My husband can get defensive about having been told or what the details of something are but I know I'm a better rememberer than he is and that I'm usually correct, etc. so I don't feel too bad or get upset if he gets it wrong. Eventually something usually comes along to show him and confirm what I say so I just let things be.

[archipelago]

I guess I was being too general to be understood completely. First of all we were together for a month in Amsterdam so we had to coordinate much more than at home. There were so many misunderstanding that caused outbursts on his part (in public) that it became really difficult to manage or even figure out how to correct. Written communication in these contexts doesn't really seem feasible. It sorta a situation that you just say something and ask the person to wait at the taxi stand and then when you appear back they are in a furious outburst because they don't know where you've been. I thought maybe it was being in a foreign city that is confusing and disorienting, but it happened today in a such a simple way. I was concerned that his doctor hadn't filled his medications and concerned that he didn't seem to want to deal with it even though he's been low or out for a while which is dangerous at his age. I told him that we needed to go to the pharmacy and see if she had called them in, that I would take a shower so he should get ready. I heard through the bathroom door his almost crying tone that he didn't understand anything, which he repeated as if in a meltdown. I came out to see what was going on and it turned out he hadn't heard that I said I was going to take a shower so he had rushed to get ready, searched around the house and couldn't find me so started to almost to cry and was also angry. You don't write down that you are about to take a shower. This was a relatively minor episode but it illustrates the ongoing problem in a simple way. I think he is having some psychological issues in addition to the age-related problems. But at age 88 I really can't see him going to therapy. We do have to work on communication but part of that is a surprise to me because he seems to say yes when I tell him something only to find out later that he hasn't heard so he gets all upset and a fight or meltdown ensues. He is showing dependency needs as well which puts an additional strain on the whole thing. If he is losing the ability to take care of himself, but can't communicate about it or hear what I say or remember I don't know how to improve communication.