[pinkbutterfly]

First...we both have mental health issues...both have been recently hospitalized for suicidal ideation...so neither of us are the most "stable" at this point.

However, I took her in - we agreed on a rent/utilities/transportation amounts she would pay. I do not live on a bus line, so I have had to transport her to appointments to work and back.

Next...I have two little boys - who live with me half time.

It's not working for me.
It's wearing me out -- taking her to lots of appointments, in the midst of my appointments, and my school. And her work. Maybe I am being selfish, but it's affecting me. Affecting my ability to be "present" like I want/need with my boys.

She is very fragile right now. I KNOW she will interpret it as me rejecting/abandoning her and not caring. But I do care. I really do.

However, I need to take care of myself and my family. She doesn't feel safe alone -- when I am gone for a long time, she self-destructs. That's a lot of responsibility to be put on a person. I am not her mother. I should not be in this caretaking position.

Also, she has not paid me as agreed. Yes, her hours at work were cut, and she was in the hospital a week. However, I still have rent, utilities to pay. I still have the expenses. She currently owes me over $600...and it goes up another $350 on the 1st.

I went to see my T today -- was gone like 2 hours, and she came along because she didn't want to "be alone" -- it's too much for me. Yes, she worries she is too much for people, and YES she IS too much for me...right now. I have to take care of me. And especially my boys.

I expect a disconnect notice from my electric any day now...because I haven't been able to pay. I have creditors that I haven't been able to pay either.

I can't support her financially. I am on food stamps to feed my boys. I can't afford to feed her too. I can't financially or emotionally handle it.

But I am afraid of how this is going to go. She's going to freak out and self-destruct. I fully expect that she will end up back in the hospital after I tell her she has to move.

But I also have to remember -- what she does...how she reacts...IS NOT my responsibility. My first responsibility is to my boys and to myself. And I have to do whats best for us. That may mean she ends up in a shelter for a while...unless another friend comes out of the woodwork to let her stay there. And it makes me feel horrible.

But what else can I do? It's not working for me. For my boys. And in some ways it's enabling her to be dependent on me. I feel taken advantage of.

Thanks for listening. Any advice/encouragement/suggestions would be appreciated.

[Travelinglady]

You were a dear soul to take her in, but I agree that she's more than what you can be expected to deal with. I'm wondering what her situation is. Is she in therapy? Does she have family or anyone else who can take her under their wing?

I'm also wondering if you are talking to your therapist about her. I would hope that you could get some insight into the situation and how to handle it from a professional.

And maybe someone here can help out more than I can at the moment!

[pinkbutterfly]

Yes. She's in therapy. And yes I've been talking to my therapist about it...it's frustrating bc I have so many other things I need to use my therapy time for, but right now this as well. She thinks this situation is not good for me. She reminded me of the fact that my primary responsibility is to my boys. And she even said if my friend ends up in a shelter for a while it will be ok. And to remember that her reactions to it are not my responsibility. She's an adult (29 years old) and I am not her mother nor do I want to be.
At the same time I don't want to be mean or cruel.

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry things are not working out well for you and your friend. But I agree with everyone else you have to take care of yourself and your boys first. I appreciate the fact that she may feel abandoned but that is not your responsibility. I see you have no choice but to ask her to move out and for you not to feel guilty about it. You've done all you can do, which was a lot.
Gayle

[Travelinglady]

pinkbutterfly, I don't think you would be "mean and cruel" for asking her to find other arrangements. You have done your best--and I, too, think you need now to concentrate on yourself and your boys. I hope she doesn't try to make you feel guilty or act like she's going to fall apart, etc. when you tell her. But if she does, then you can't give in.......

As you say, she is an adult.

[pinkbutterfly]

thanks for your support.
feeling the support from you all here, it really helps.
my plan...is to talk to her right before I drop her off for her therapy appointment on tuesday.
I also plan to go by her therapist's office and give a note to her therapist's secretary and explain that it's urgent that she receive this letter before a certain time. I want to make sure her therapist knows what is coming. But then I can go to class, and her therapist can take care of her.

So I have the weekend to kinda try to figure out what I am going to say, and how I am going to say it.

[dillpickle1983]

I have never been in your situation, however I have been her, even though I'm a guy. When I was sick, I became a leech to my friends. I can admit it. I was BAD. Finally getting my life straight, but the last few years I bounced from couch to couch, job to job, friend to friend. I burned so many bridges. I have lost contact with several friends because of my leeching. I finally got on disability and things are improving. But I can feel your frustration. I felt it from my friends when they were getting to the point of telling me I have to go. They're is a tension that you can feel. I wish you the best of luck in handling this. It's true, her reactions and actions are not your responsibility, and if she ends up in a shelter, or back in the hospital so be it. You can't let it affect you or your children. My friends finally kicked me out and on very short notice. I survived, she will too.

[hannabee]

So sorry that you have to go through this. She will manage on her own. Your ONLY responsibility is to your children! Please do not feel guilty about anything, I just hope you eventually get your money. It is terrible that she is using you. Hugs and stay strong!

[hamster-bamster]

At some point I considered taking in a roommate, and posted about it on the bipolar forum. the most sound advice was NOT to take in your buddies from the locked unit...

sorry this is not helping to disassemble your current arrangement, but at least heed the warning (the lady who posted had lots of experience with subletting) next time around - a psych unit is not the best source of tenants.

I am yet to sublet a room, but if I do, I will look for a working professional with a good credit history etc. Plus, they are at work most of the time.

[pinkbutterfly]

oh I didn't meet her in a psych unit...just so happens she was recently hosptialized, as was I...different times, and different hospitals (just mentioned to demonstrate that neither of us is really healthy or all that stable right now)

dillpickle...thanks for sharing your side of it too...because I KNOW she will get very angry at me. blame me for things. talk about me negatively to everyone she knows (because that's what she does NOW regarding those she feels have abandoned her).

I do truly appreciate all of the support I have recieved from you all here.

[pinkbutterfly]

My anxiety is SUPER high with all of this.
She keeps asking me if I'm ok, or if everything is ok. Maybe she is sensing something...I just know I am not prepared to deal with the fallout of saying anything to her...I have to wait until Tuesday so her counselor can deal with the immediate crisis that ensues.

[pinkbutterfly]

So...tonight's been super weird.
She's been sleeping I. The living room on the couch---rather than in her bed, so tonight I just stayed up studying - I really did lose track of time though wasn't particularly trying not to...and it was almost 2am when I put my books down. She kept looking at me but saying nothing...I could see in my peripheral view. Then I said "wow didn't realize it was so late! Guess I should go to bed." Got up and washed the dishes real quick from dinner and on my way to bed said good night and she just kinda grunted at me. The entire time she just sat there typing away on her computer...it feels a bit awkward at the moment, but I know it's gonna get a lot worse after Tuesday. Kinda dreading it...but at the same time looking forward to having my house (particularly my living room) back...and having time and privacy to work on my music again (something I can only do when I'm alone bc it's so intensely personal and emotional).

Anyway...I am very anxious about how everything will go and stuff. And if I will still have a friend after this week...

I need to branch out more and try to connect with others...but it's really scary for me. I've been shunned and ostracized from churches bc of my depression/suicidal ideation and my eating disorder.

I'm not good at making friends.

[PeachCream22]

It's just an opinion but...from your posts, it seems to me like you have done as much as you can to support her, to the point of breaking down yourself, and yes, she has her own issues, but you do too! She hasn't kept to her payment agreements, and goes to your private sessions with your T. and she's the one who gets angry for all that? I'm not saying she's out of line right now, but she will be if this keeps up.

c'mon, don't feel bad. you've been very kind!! I'm surprised you're not telling her to move out sooner. Sorry for the harshness..but you DO NEED to take care of yourself after all. ALONG with your two boys! THAT's a LOT to handle!! do know that! As for your friend, she'll survive. It's been hard, but you've been supporting her so she's bound to have been better at some level right?? You're right, you are NOT her mom!

[pinkbutterfly]

She doesn't go INTO the sessions with my T, but sits out in the waiting room for me. I would never allow her to go IN to a session. But yeah...

seriously, I expected so many people to say things like, "how can you do that to her? she has so many issues, how can you just 'kick her to the curb' like that? what kind of person are you?"

even my T said that either other friends will step out to support her, or she will end up in a shelter for a while...and that she will be ok if that happens.

i thank you all for your support in this...because inside, i feel like i am being a monster for doing this - i feel like how could this be something a good friend does. I suppose in the end though, it IS being a friend if I allow her to experience the consequences of not paying bills or not following through with agreements. By not allowing her to live in the "real world" i am essentially enabling her to continue living as she is.
I know she wants no efforts in life/things. She even said to me one day about calling and making an appointment with a doctor and getting meds refilled, "I'll just have T do it" - I was like, hopefully her T wouldn't do it -- that's something SHE CAN do. She just doesn't want to make the effort.

In fact, she is applying for disability - and SHE isn't doing any of it...she's brought all of her medical/financial papers for the last couple years into her T, and SHE is doing it.

I just need some space to breathe on my own for a bit...time for me (and time for me and my boys).

[hamster-bamster]

Look - she has a pattern of dumping her stuff on others to deal with - e.g. the T is not supposed to deal with her financial papers; you are not the only person trying to help her and getting exasperated, right? but the T is being paid (if not by her, then by the state or county or federal money - not sure, but somebody pays the T) and you are NOT being paid. See the difference?

[pinkbutterfly]

very true hamster...

I really appreciate the perspectives.

[IndieVisible]

You need to have a frank discussion with her and revisit your living arrangements and agreements. Time to modify or move out. She needs to look for other means of transportation, there are agencies that can help her. She needs to pay for her portion of the food too! Is she not on food stamps too? If not she should be then. You can also make it your ultimate goal for her to find another place to live and until she does these changes need to be in place. And who knows, once there are modifications made in your living arrangements and expenses perhaps it won't bother you as much. Good luck.

[pinkbutterfly]

No...she's not on food stamps, but I AM (for me and my boys).
I do need to have a discussion with her...but you see, with her, you can't do it like that. It doesn't work. I wish I had known some of this about her before I had her move in.

[0w6c379]

You have gone above and beyond the call of a friend. You've been wonderful to her and if she doesn't see that now, she will see it later down the road when she improves. Don't take it to heart if she's a little put off. YOU have been a godsend to her. Absolutely, sit her down for a little talk and start by saying how you understand how hard things have been for her and that you were happy to take her in, drive her to her doctors appointments and be there for her (remind her a little of all that you've done she may need that). Tell her, unfortunately, YOU are having a hard time now keeping up with things and though you don't like to ask her to leave, you really must at this point. Tell her it is too much for you now with school starting for the boys and taking care of their needs. Ask her if there are any other friends or family members that she can stay with until she gets on her feet? If she still has nowhere to go, doesn't the "Y" still help people with no housing? Tell her you'll drive her there and hope to stay in touch as you really care about her. I think you'll do fine. You've been a great friend. Don't feel you haven't done all that any human being can do for her.

[pinkbutterfly]

I am going to talk to her today. I stopped by her therapist's office and dropped off a letter to her (the therapist) - so she will know what's going on.

I'm so anxious about it all...because earlier this morning she was like, "why do you put up with me?" -- to which I kept doing what I was doing.

[pinkbutterfly]

wow...it went SO much better than I thought it would...things are ok.

[Nobodyandnothing]

Thanks for the update. I am happy this went better than you expected.

[hamster-bamster]

good to hear that!

[PeachCream22]

Well, time to focus on your own life now. Good luck pinkbutterfly. Don't stop being kind. Perhaps it has paid off.