[FNCrazy]

I've come to the realization that my wife of two years (dating for 5) and I are no longer "in love." Well, I've come to the realization that I am not, but all signs point to her being in the same spot. What complicates matters is that I have a son who's a year and a half, and is amazing. The thought of not seeing him every day breaks my heart!

In the 5 years, our sex life has steadily gotten less and less, to the point where the last six months have been basically roommates. Not just sex, but any intimacy. She just says it's not in her nature, and points to her mom (who's the same way) as proof.

Also, the only real thing I like about myself is my sense of humor and my parenting skills. She flat out doesn't like (or get) my sense of humor. There's just nothing there. It's like she decided she is ONLY a mom now, and nothing else. I want to grow as a person, try to overcome these social anxieties, and she wants to be a couch potato.

Will do marriage counseling, but here are my problems.

Marriage counselor wants me to wait six months before making a decision. In my brain, 8 minutes is six months. The thought of waiting six months is incomprehensible, even though rationally it's a perfectly logical thing to do.

Part of what's pushing this is that there's this woman at work that is completely in to me. She's really great, and a lot of fun. There's a spark there that I don't think I ever had with my wife. Let's just put it this way, i'm not one that usually gets to pick and choose which ones I go for.

I'm going to hell for that one, I know, but it's been SO long since anyone has shown interest in me. It makes me feel alive.

Unfortunately, it makes me realize that my marriage is missing key elements for my long term happiness. What's sad is that the thought of not seeing my son almost makes me want to deal with the unhappiness just so i'm not apart from him ever.

Did I mention one of my biggest fears is being alone? How do I divorce my wife, have my son half time, and deal with all those issues at the same time i'm dealing with panic disorders, GAD, everything else?

Thanks for listening.

[Rhapsody]

I am sorry, but there is no easy way out of this one..... (from your side of the fence) to be happy as you want to be would mean that you do not get to see your son every day and to be with your son every day seems to make you unhappy for you have to see your now present wife every day.
YOU are the only one that can decide what is best here.... we cannot make that decision for you.

I think the first place to start to is to be honest with your self and admit what went wrong in the first place with a once love filled relationship.... for one does not reach the point you and your wife are at in a marriage without some time passing with things unfixed.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

[biplol]

Jeff, what can I say?? I wish I could help you, at least if you want, you can picture me in a ear shape, so when you want to talk I could listen.
I hope everything works out!

[GoldenSunrise]

hey jeff...it seems like a really tough situation you're in there. maybe you could try something like "taking a break", even just a small one, with your wife-take a short vacation or something. then, when you come back, maybe you will see the whole situation from a different point of view. maybe things will seem better with your wife when you return. or maybe during the whole time away from her you will realize what it's like to be away from your home, and thus you could make a decision... i don't know if what i'm saying is any help, but i'm just trying! take care...

[Perna]

I would "forget" the other woman for 6 months. If she came along, others could for you too (or she may wait -- I made my husband go to marriage counselling, I didn't want a man who didn't at least try and be sure he couldn't save his marriage, especially just because I'd come along). I think you underestimate yourself there, there are always "others" if we're open to them but when we're married, not really supposed to be quite that open :-)

What tasks has the marriage counselor given to your wife? Is she working on them? Does she want to continue the marriage, can you tell? I think she's probably feeling lonely and afraid herself. Here her husband is threatening what stability she has. You really need to get communicating where you are, where she is and what you both want to do about it.

[FNCrazy]

Thanks for all the kind words!

Coming from other types of forums, I can't believe the support system you guys have!

Anyway, I guess the root of the marriage problem is simply that I married and I wasn't "in love." I married because it was the next logical step, didn't want to be alone, and we were good friends.

Now that we have a son, I feel an obligation to work through it with a marriage counselor as much as possible. I'm conflicted though. If I don't fall in love with her, do I decide it's over to search for that feeling? Part of me thinks I need to be in love. The other part thinks as long as it's comfortable, that should be enough.

Thanks for listening!

[Alexs]

First try marriage counseling before to take any decision and pray asking wisdom.
Take care.

[hillbunnyb]

sounds to me like the last thing you need is a new relationship to add to the confusion.... whatever that means......
the endorphin rushes of new relationships are so enticing aren't they? temptation get thee behind yeee son, yer plate is full. ya know? good luck.

[JustAPixie]

Falling in love mmmhhhhhh.... you know that doens't last forever, right? And you know that in the end love is a choice? It doesn't make you a bad person for choosing not to love, but make the choice without the knowledge of a second women waiting, this will almost always tip the scale....

If there was no one else, would you still feel this way?

[FNCrazy]

Definitely doesn't help to have a third party in the mix, I know. Completely my fault.

I recognize that I can't compare the newness feelings vs. the married feelings...Apples and oranges.

I try to quantify how I feel about my wife though, and I start thinking well, she's just a really good friend.

I think about it even more, and I realize, okay, she's actually NOT a good friend. Critical, stubborn, and pulls me into being a person I don't want to be. She's not particularly interested in me, or me her.

She's a wonderful mother though, but that's not enough.

Truthfully, I would bet money that she feels roughly how I do, but she's not the type that would leave. She'd just do what she's doing until I leave.

Forgetting the "other woman" is the right thing to do, and she and I are perfectly fine with that.

I just dread six months of working on a relationship that was not the right thing in the first place.

Someone asked if she works on what the therapist says, and yes, she does. But it's like busting through the homework to get back to cruise mode (her words).

I don't know, i'm not sure what advice I expected. It's all good, just a tough position that i've put myself in.

Just feels like there's no right thing, only wrong.

I think i'm more messed up than I realized!

[JustAPixie]

If you already feel that you don't love her as more than a friend then mayby it's the best thing to bail.... I'm not good on the marriage advice, I'm still in my twenties, but what I have learned is this... make a choice, any choice. Don't worry about the wrong or right choice, weigh your options, pro's and cons and go for it. (still without the other women) Hanging around in limbo is what gets people down, they are so afraid of making the wrong choices that they do not choose at all! If you make the wrong choice, you can worry about it later, at least then you will have the certainty of what was the right choice!!! Then you can focus on correcting your mistake, but not choosing hurts more people and you are just drowning yourself.... Your marriage counsellor didn't make the law, it's good to listen to his advice, but you don't always have to follow it.

Make the choice and then go from there...