He avoids contact

Sorry for mistakes. English is not my native language.I'm here cause I feel desperate and dipressed. I'm married with 2 children and in love with another guy.I think he suffers from mental issues because of his unstable and 'different" behaviour ("macho" in social environtment, childlike in intimate moments) and also some things he mentioned in the past. Firstly,when we were just friends (for 2 years) and during the initial period of our relationship he was intimate and romantic, though in a strange way. I've noticed he struggled expressing his feelings, especially the intimate ones and was affraid of being touched (neck shoulder area). During our first 3 dates we had to face a problem (erectile issues) but I was soo in love with him, patient and caring. Two days after (he was drunk) he told me he wanted to make love with me, not just one night stand and that he was not going to tell these words anymore. We finally managed it.... Unfortunateley, my husband was informed about my relationship and reacted very abusive toward me and him (he isn't abusive generally). I seperated from my love for one month, but he then came and asked to exchange SMS. It was a new start. We made love once a month, though I asked more frequently. He told me that I was the only person who let touch his neck, that he was crazy for me but he doesn't know what love is and love makes him anxious.Only twice ( he was drunk!) expressed love feelings by singing me how mouch he loves me and that is his first time to be in love. I think he was jealous of me because of his subtle reactions when i talked with other men.He refered also that a friend of him, doctor (neurologist) gave him a diagnosis: emotional deficit or instability or something( I can't remember), low self esteem and regression. I've noticed that he suffers from haedaches, muscle tension, stiffness, smelling issues and once something like echolalia. After each date he started to withdraw for a period and send messages to express he is afraid of me being abused by my husband. He used to write impressions about our sex moments and asked details for our future ones. And then ...vicious circle. Till he left me in a cold, almost abusive way. I'm so in love but confused about his true feelings. Asperger, BPD, trauma??

So you are basically cheating on your husband and you are surprised that there are major issues between you and your lover.

Frankly, I'm speechless...

Edda, you are right, but still I can't handle my deep feelings for my lover, true interest, pain, friendship, emotional connection. Last year I expressed my real feelings to my husband, that I'm not in love with him. I'm a human being and have made mistakes. It wasn't just sex, but a need of my soul to connect with his, to share my dreams with him.

I have no doubt that you are suffering. I have no doubt that every human being makes mistakes. I even accept that your husband might not be an angel and yes, you do have the right for love and happiness.

What I do not accept is cheating. I believe that if someone is in a relationship/marriage that is supposed to be monogamous but it's not working, said person should fix it or finish it before seeking love/sex/ sharing your dreams or whatever it is you do elsewhere.

I don't know your full story but you are asking help with your own confusion and emotional issues while you are most likely be causing the same amount of pain and confusion to your husband, knowingly.

I find this attitude extremely selfish.

My best advice to you is sorting out or ending your marriage first. I understand that you are asking for help regarding your lover but in my honest opinion, many of the issues probably stem from the fact that you are a married woman and not necessarily from any mental health issue your lover might have. The fact that he withdraws after each date could well mean that he might just have what is called conscience.

Thank you Edda. I appreciate your help.

Why would you want to give a name to your lover's problems? If they have a name, would it be any different?

And how could strangers from a screen know what's wrong with him?
You think too much of us.

Can I be honest? He really doesn't seem the right person to have around.

You have a husband and a family.
How about starting some counseling / therapy yourself? It may help you in finding answers.

Regardless of whether one believes cheating to be wrong 100% of the time or justifiable in certain situations, I'm sorry that you are going through this. I disagree with the above posts and think that it may actually be helpful if you could put some kind of name to your lover's problems. If they fit into a particular diagnosis, it might enable you to do some research to help understand the situation better. It could be that he is depressed and anxious over the affair, or there could be other even more serious issues to deal with. If you were happy, you probably would not cheat, and you would not be reaching out here. In addition, you may not have "chosen" someone who appears to have some complicated issues....just think about what is good for yourself and your long-term emotional health and that of your two children.

Sorry, he left you, without expressing reasons why If it is any of these diagnosis, I can only imagine that there's a degree of emotional difficulty that is felt by being the other man. To express his love, for you, yet, not able to have you to himself. And, it also sounds, like alcohol plays a factor. Sometimes, those with substance abuse disorders, can withdraw from others. Similar to a depression, which it also could be.

If you've reached out to him, and he hasn't responded, perhaps, stepping back and waiting to see, if he comes back around. And if so, confront him, on what transpired.

Sounds like a tough situation to be in, as your husband is aware of your infidelity, and has abused you. Do you fear for your safety with your husband, over this? Do you fear for the safety of your lover, because your husband is well aware of this relationship?

Man... the OP changed her name and my most important post got deleted...

DODGY!!!

Several of the posts were deleted because they violated some of the terms of the forum.

I strongly disagree. I requested a detailed explanation.

Not that I have a say here.

Still, I trust the mod team will enlighten me.

I think counseling and therapy would be great for you to get into and try. You obviously have some issues that are effecting you in serious ways that is going to leave you more depressed. Try to put fixing yourself first then helping others. Just a suggestion not an attack by any means. Just trying to help

You can disagree all you want. There was a private message sent to you, me and the other poster, and there was a full explanation given. If you open your private message, you will be enlightened.

Lido, I never received anything from you and I really don't think it would be necessary.
I am more than happy with the mod-team handling this case.

Vanillia - I am sorry that your thread has turned into a bit of a battle ground of principles. Again; whether any of us agrees with you or not, please know that I would never, ever meant to question your right for love, happiness and support.

I never sent anything to you. The moderator sent a message to three of us and explained why posts had been deleted.

Hi, Vanilla. I probably understand your situation more than most since I found myself in your position. I don't really think it is neccessary to put a name to your lover's mental ailments. Just saying he has issues is good enough. He left and you have to pick up the pieces either by staying with you husband or getting a divorce and seeking someone else that might be able to love you more. My situation ended with my lover and my husband chose to forgive me. I was still broken hearted for some time but time does heal our wounds. I don't know if your husband is willing to forgive you .I'm a lucky woman my husband has put up with a lot from me and has stood by me when I needed it most. So I stayed and made it work with his help. The affair will evenually become a dim memory. Sorry you got your heart broken, but tis the way of life.