[dontstopbelieving]

I guess I just need someone to talk me out of my own head. I've been married for a few years to a great guy. He treats me so well, is very kind and loving, has a good job, buys me nice things, and an all around great/stable guy. Everyone loves him. My family loves him, my friends love him, he has a ton of friends. There is NOTHING wrong with him. He's wonderful. When I'm having a bad day at work, he always does something to cheer me up. He goes out of his way to do nice things like get my car washed or pick up a coffee for me when I'm feeling tired. He surprises me with silly little gifts randomly. His coworkers tell me that they hear nothing but wonderful things about me.

Quite honestly, I bring nothing to the table. I'm cute, I do the laundry, and I keep the house clean. That's about it. I have a job that pays me less than 1/3 of what he makes. I honestly cost more than I'm probably bringing in. I don't know why he stays with me.

He's a great guy and I love him, but some days I just feel like I'm not in the right relationship. And it seems ridiculous typing all of this out, but it's how I feel and I can't shake it.

Part of it might be that I feel a little trapped. I've had the same crappy job for two years and I've having a really hard time finding another one (that I want) in the area we live in. Sometimes I see jobs in other states that sound awesome, but obviously I know that I can't move to another state. My husband loves his job and is doing very well there. It would be incredibly difficult for him to find a similar job elsewhere.

Also, since he brings in so much more money (and works much longer hours/travels a lot of the time) I feel obligated to be the house cleaner/laundress/cook/pet caregiver to pull my own weight. He's NEVER suggested that I need to be making up for my low salary, but I just feel like I should, since I don't bring much else in. It's kind of exhausting to come home from a long day at work and feel like you HAVE to vacuum or throw in some laundry. I know this is my own issue but it's really hard to shake this feeling.

Does anyone have any advice? I know deep down that I don't want to leave this marriage but some days it's so hard for me not to just get in my car and drive far away to see what else is out there.

[healingme4me]

You'd still have to do laundry, clean, cook, etc, no matter what home you live in, alone or with someone else. Those are mundane chores, indeed, I get how that, in and of itself seems to lack reward.

I will say, the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but sense from your post, it doesn't sound so much like your relationship with your husband, but frustration with a 'crappy job' and the everyday things that add up to boredom.

I can't speak much, to feeling like you do about the wage differences.

Have you looked into volunteer work, or finding a hobby, something, anything, to get out of the rut, that leaves you sounding like you want to flee and leave this all behind?

[kaliope]

it sounds like you have self esteem issues you are dealing with that are making you feel unworthy and unhappy with your current life situation. can you think of some hobbies or even going back to school to train for another job that would make you feel better about yourself in general? even feeling better about the contributions you do make would be a start. people charge a lot for the services you are contributing so don't sell yourself short. when you do good, you feel good so start doing things that you feel good about so that you can raise that self esteem. take care.

[Gwynyd]

Sounds like low grade depression to me so why not have a chat to your GP. Depression is essentially a chemical illness (like diabetes) that can be treated. Your GP will also know of someone you can safely talk to about your feelings. My dad always used to say "It doesn't matter if you fall over, provided you pick something up while your down there" Good luck with it and let us know how you go with it.

[Webgoji]

Actually, it sounds to me like you add quite a bit to the relationship. Relationships aren't just about each partner financially supporting the other, but about emotionally supporting each other. It sounds to me like he loves having you in his life otherwise he wouldn't be bringing you little gifts, wouldn't talk so great about you, etc.

In many ways I agree with what the others have said; that depression and low self-esteem are the real issues here. Like others have said, counseling may help you feel better about how much you truly contribute to your marriage.

(And to be honest, it sounds like he's one great guy and I seriously doubt you'll find another like him elsewhere.)

[Kevin1706]

Originally Posted by dontstopbelieving

I guess I just need someone to talk me out of my own head. I've been married for a few years to a great guy. He treats me so well, is very kind and loving, has a good job, buys me nice things, and an all around great/stable guy. Everyone loves him. My family loves him, my friends love him, he has a ton of friends. There is NOTHING wrong with him. He's wonderful. When I'm having a bad day at work, he always does something to cheer me up. He goes out of his way to do nice things like get my car washed or pick up a coffee for me when I'm feeling tired. He surprises me with silly little gifts randomly. His coworkers tell me that they hear nothing but wonderful things about me.

Quite honestly, I bring nothing to the table. I'm cute, I do the laundry, and I keep the house clean. That's about it. I have a job that pays me less than 1/3 of what he makes. I honestly cost more than I'm probably bringing in. I don't know why he stays with me.

He's a great guy and I love him, but some days I just feel like I'm not in the right relationship. And it seems ridiculous typing all of this out, but it's how I feel and I can't shake it.

Part of it might be that I feel a little trapped. I've had the same crappy job for two years and I've having a really hard time finding another one (that I want) in the area we live in. Sometimes I see jobs in other states that sound awesome, but obviously I know that I can't move to another state. My husband loves his job and is doing very well there. It would be incredibly difficult for him to find a similar job elsewhere.

Also, since he brings in so much more money (and works much longer hours/travels a lot of the time) I feel obligated to be the house cleaner/laundress/cook/pet caregiver to pull my own weight. He's NEVER suggested that I need to be making up for my low salary, but I just feel like I should, since I don't bring much else in. It's kind of exhausting to come home from a long day at work and feel like you HAVE to vacuum or throw in some laundry. I know this is my own issue but it's really hard to shake this feeling.

Does anyone have any advice? I know deep down that I don't want to leave this marriage but some days it's so hard for me not to just get in my car and drive far away to see what else is out there.

Talk to somebody, a therapist etc...don't wait until these feelings grow. My wife felt similarly. But she never addressed it. Those feelings of devaluing herself ultimately led to her stepping out of the marriage. Which we are now going through. I'm certainly NOT saying that you would do that. But I'm just saying that those feelings are going to lead somewhere. You may want to have someone help you direct where that somewhere is.

good luck.

[dontstopbelieving]

Thank you all for your replies. You've really helped me focus on what the real issue is, which isn't my relationship at all.

I think I've been depressed for a while. I've come very close to calling therapists many, many times but I always chicken out. I just don't like talking to people.

I guess I just need to make myself do something about this. It's been too long and I'm tired of feeling like I'm never happy.

[RomanSunburn]

I have been exactly where you are. I could have written that post myself. I don't have a job and I'm in school full time, so I'm definitely spending way more money than I'm bringing in. I don't like to cook and I'm terrible at cleaning (perfectionism gets in the way...). The one household chore that I don't mind, maybe even like, is doing the laundry. Probably because I can do homework while it's in the wash and dryer, and then sit in front of the TV to fold it. But anyways, my husband is fine with the way things are. He sees his paycheck as our money, not his. He takes care of all the bills, the credit card, and my student loans (his student loans are a drop in a bucket compared to mine..). But if he wasn't getting something out of keeping me around, he wouldn't have married me. He wouldn't still be married to me. I think part of him enjoys being able to take care of someone. But he tells me he needs me too, that I bring emotional support. He enjoys going for runs with me, going to museums, just talking and spending time together. I make him happy and he doesn't get caught up in all the little details. I also make a mean chocolate souffle... maybe that's the real reason he keeps me

I agree with what everyone else has said about it being linked to depression and low self esteem. Since I started feeling better, I haven't had as much of an issue with feeling like a burden. I still have some guilt over money, but that started long before I met him and it's not about to go away over night. Try talking to a therapist.

I started feeling better when I started running. I think part of the reason it helped so much was because I was able to set goals and achieve them. And there's that whole runner's high thing going on, too. Also, and this might be a little extreme, but would you two be financially stable if you quit your job? I think if you quit your job and did some volunteer work that you are passionate about while you look for a new job, you might start feeling better. If you're enjoying your work and feel like your giving something back, not necessarily to your husband, but to the community, it might start to bring back some of that self-worth you've lost. And hey, that volunteer work could lead to a permanent job down the road.

[dontstopbelieving]

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

I have been exactly where you are. I could have written that post myself. I don't have a job and I'm in school full time, so I'm definitely spending way more money than I'm bringing in. I don't like to cook and I'm terrible at cleaning (perfectionism gets in the way...). The one household chore that I don't mind, maybe even like, is doing the laundry. Probably because I can do homework while it's in the wash and dryer, and then sit in front of the TV to fold it. But anyways, my husband is fine with the way things are. He sees his paycheck as our money, not his. He takes care of all the bills, the credit card, and my student loans (his student loans are a drop in a bucket compared to mine..). But if he wasn't getting something out of keeping me around, he wouldn't have married me. He wouldn't still be married to me. I think part of him enjoys being able to take care of someone. But he tells me he needs me too, that I bring emotional support. He enjoys going for runs with me, going to museums, just talking and spending time together. I make him happy and he doesn't get caught up in all the little details. I also make a mean chocolate souffle... maybe that's the real reason he keeps me

I agree with what everyone else has said about it being linked to depression and low self esteem. Since I started feeling better, I haven't had as much of an issue with feeling like a burden. I still have some guilt over money, but that started long before I met him and it's not about to go away over night. Try talking to a therapist.

I started feeling better when I started running. I think part of the reason it helped so much was because I was able to set goals and achieve them. And there's that whole runner's high thing going on, too. Also, and this might be a little extreme, but would you two be financially stable if you quit your job? I think if you quit your job and did some volunteer work that you are passionate about while you look for a new job, you might start feeling better. If you're enjoying your work and feel like your giving something back, not necessarily to your husband, but to the community, it might start to bring back some of that self-worth you've lost. And hey, that volunteer work could lead to a permanent job down the road.

Thank you, it's good to know I'm not alone here.

I exercise pretty much every day (run some days, do pilates or kickboxing other days) and while I'm exercising I feel GREAT! It really does help with the stress and keeps my anxiety down. The problem is really the rest of the time. My job ties my to a desk all day and I have a lot of downtime where I'm waiting for project approval and my work is kind of at a standstill. I think the boredom makes me feel worse because I spent too much time thinking and I don't feel challenged.

I actually thought this job was going to help with how I was feeling. It's definitely a step up from my old job, which was boring and unfulfilling. This job can be rewarding but it can also be terrible (really difficult boss, some very long stressful days) and the pay is awful.

My husband has suggested I quit my job more than once when he sees me feeling down. We have the financial means to get by if I didn't work, but...I think I'd feel even worse. I know it's harder to get a job when you don't have one and I think I'd feel even more guilty if I wasn't bringing in *some* money. I don't know... I was a very Type A person most of my life (and maybe I still am?). NOT working might kill me, haha.

I have been applying and interviewing for other jobs. It's just been tough to find what I'm looking for. I'm trying to shorten my commute and make the jump to a higher salary and I haven't been finding much. I'm being pickier this time during my job search because I don't want to end up in a job like this one again.

[RomanSunburn]

What are you looking for? I think you have every right to be picky.

I don't think you should sit at home and do nothing all day, or worse... clean all day, everyday. That would be torture. But I see benefit in volunteering full time. That is also something to put on your resume while you're looking for a new job. Maybe something in the same field that can help you build new/different skills or going back to school like kaliope suggested. In interviews, you could always tell them "We had the means, and I wanted to further my skills more than my job was allowing for. I also wanted to give back to the community."

I'm not trying to push you. And I totally understand wanting to bring something to the table financially. I just wanted to make sure what I was saying was clear.

It's great that you do so much exercise! When do you do it? They say it can be more helpful to exercise in the morning. I can't say from experience, I do my workouts in the evening. Is there anyway you could go for walks during the down time at work?

Oh, and you don't have to start gushing your inner most thoughts the first time you meet a therapist. You can take time to build up trust with them, make sure they're right for you, before you start really talking. I'm sure you already knew this, but sometimes it's helpful to hear things from other people.

Ps, I'm pretty type A too. It's not always a bad thing

[dontstopbelieving]

Honestly, I don't know exactly what I'm looking for. I have a background in marketing and public relations and most of my experience has been running communications programs for small businesses and/or nonprofits. I'm at a nonprofit right now and the job itself would be fine if it weren't for my crazy boss and sometimes working crazy hours to get stuff done. (And if it paid me more!)

I'm looking for something that is like what I'm doing now, but with people who don't make me want to scream every day!

I have the experience in working for a nonprofit that would make it easy for me to transition to volunteering full time. Lots of organizations need newsletters and mailings designed, right? I think I'd just feel bad without that extra financial stability.

I exercise in the morning, almost every morning before work. My husband is very into fitness and he wakes up to go to the gym or to play hockey early in the morning on his way into work. I get up at the same time but I exercise at home, either on the treadmill, running through our neighborhood, or with YouTube pilates/kickboxing workouts. I really only skip workouts if I'm feeling sick or if I stayed up really late the night before.

I could probably get away with going for a walk once in a while at work. Sometimes I walk up the street to grab a snack from a nearby store. The place where I work isn't super walkable though, so I'd only be able to go so far.

Progress - I found a counseling place near my house and sucked it up and filled out their contact form. I didn't want to call them from work so maybe they'll email me back?

[tinyrabbit]

I think you need to sort out and differentiate between the following:
- what other people think of your husband
- what you think of your husband
- what you think of yourself

I found it really curious that, in your first post, you told us that everyone else loves him and there is nothing wrong with him. If I wrote about my husband I wouldn't bother telling you everyone else loves him because I love him and I'm the one married to him. I'm not criticising you. Rather, I'm wondering if you're trying to use everyone else's opinions to tell yourself how you should feel.

I have a few thoughts. Firstly, do you feel smothered? Your husband sounds lovely. But if he's that relentlessly lovely, it could get a bit exhausting. What was your childhood home like? Are you used to marriages having some drama and arguments in them? Does it feel wrong to you if everything is just calm? Just wondering. I'm not criticising your husband, I'm just wondering if you find his stability and reliability uncomfortable as I don't know what you're used to. Maybe you need to shake it up a bit. Go on some date nights with your husband, that kind of thing.

I don't understand why you are doing all the housework when you have a job as well. Forget how much money you make. You still go out to work and put in the time.

Regarding work, would you consider trying to start your own freelance business?

[dontstopbelieving]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I think you need to sort out and differentiate between the following:
- what other people think of your husband
- what you think of your husband
- what you think of yourself

I found it really curious that, in your first post, you told us that everyone else loves him and there is nothing wrong with him. If I wrote about my husband I wouldn't bother telling you everyone else loves him because I love him and I'm the one married to him. I'm not criticising you. Rather, I'm wondering if you're trying to use everyone else's opinions to tell yourself how you should feel.

I have a few thoughts. Firstly, do you feel smothered? Your husband sounds lovely. But if he's that relentlessly lovely, it could get a bit exhausting. What was your childhood home like? Are you used to marriages having some drama and arguments in them? Does it feel wrong to you if everything is just calm? Just wondering. I'm not criticising your husband, I'm just wondering if you find his stability and reliability uncomfortable as I don't know what you're used to. Maybe you need to shake it up a bit. Go on some date nights with your husband, that kind of thing.

I don't understand why you are doing all the housework when you have a job as well. Forget how much money you make. You still go out to work and put in the time.

Regarding work, would you consider trying to start your own freelance business?

I'm going to try to answer your questions:

- I don't really feel smothered. My husband works a lot (and travels for work frequently) so while he's quite lovely to me when he's around, he's also not around to smother me with his loveliness all the time.

- My childhood home was very normal. My parents are still together and didn't have much drama or fighting. They'd bicker about small stuff, like what color to paint the kitchen or whether or not to visit the in-laws, but no major blowouts . They never screamed at each other or anything like that. They still seem very happy together and have a good partnership.

- I think I'm used to a little more drama in my personal relationships. The boyfriend I had before I met my husband was a jerk, and we were always having some kind of drama. My husband was a breath of fresh air because he wasn't an ***.

- I'm doing most of the housework simply because I feel obligated to. I don't make a lot of money, I don't have to travel for my job, and I'm home at least an hour before my husband every evening. Might as well make myself useful, right? His job is very busy, mine usually isn't, and he shouldn't have to come home from a long day and then clean a toilet. My husband does take care of most of the yardwork and handles all of the vehicle maintenance, so it's not like he's sitting around on the couch while I do chores or anything like that. Usually when I'm cleaning or doing laundry, he's still at work.

- I have considered starting freelancing. I have an online portfolio and an account on a few freelancer websites, but most of the freelance websites seem kind of scammy. I'm always getting outbid for jobs by people who are willing to be paid a ridiculously low amount for work. One of my aunts is an incredibly successful marketing consultant but she didn't go out on her own until she had 25 years of experience in marketing. I'm not at that point yet in my career, so I think people are kind of hesitant to hire someone with limited experience.