[mmd2192]

Hi there!

Ok, so I know this is an often asked question, but I have to see how it applies to my own relationship...

My husband and I met while travelling. I was 27 and he was 24, but the age difference didn't seem to matter. He was head over heels, way way into me and very open with his feelings for me and his desires for our future. We were from two different countries (me the US, him Spain), so we decided, after a year of travelling and him in the US, that I would move there.

That's when things changed. He started criticizing me. He would get mad at me for everything I did. I can't even remember specifics now, it started three years ago, but he would yell at me for everything. If he lost something, it was my fault. If he couldn't sleep, he would have a fit. He would be hot and cold, sometimes being very affectionate, sometimes literally putting his hand up to his face if I tried to give him a kiss.

He also started criticizing the United States EVERY DAY. I know lots of people have problems with the US, but I was living in another country, far from my friends and family, for him....and it got to the point where I would cry and beg him to not mention it anymore and he would say "look how patriotic you are!"

Then came the...other stuff. He started saying he didn't believe in monogamy. He would go out with his friends and say I couldn't come, then come home at 5, 6, 7am (which is not THAT out of the ordinary in Spain but still). If I said anything to him or tried to talk he would REFUSE. He said I was too "cerebral", that I talked too much. He wanted to fix the problem with "touches" etc. He didn't like to call me his girlfriend because it was too possessive. He a few times said he wanted an open relationship, then would take it back. He then started telling me he had desire for other girls, that he was very attracted to other women, etc. I would say ok, its over and he would beg me to stay, saying he was sorry and he was just being stupid, etc.

Finally, my self esteem diminished and my trust in him finally cracked. I started to doubt his every movement. He would go out for the day and disappear--I wouldn't get a text or call from him, or he would be shady about what he was up to. If I ever asked him in even a slightly accusatory way he blew up....I started to doubt his fidelity.

That's when I started reading his texts and fb messages. Last year he started going out with his womanizer cousin a lot (who was single). I found texts from girls at 5am (two or three times, spaced months apart), flirty messages to his coworker, classmates, etc. He is a very attractive man and very very charming so I know he can probably get with whoever he wants. It started to drive me crazy.

I would ask him for the truth, and little by little his repsonses )which were always hostile and basically, shut up and leave me alone) because full-blown rage attacks. I would automatically get apologetic, feeling sorry for ever having said anything. I would beg beg beg him to calm down and not to leave me or the house, which he would do anyway. Very quickly his first response to any problem I had with him would be "Its over, go back to the US". This was even after we were married.

I could list so so so many things. But basically his rage has become his first response. He EXPLODES. He shouts from the bottom of his lungs, says horrible things to me, and then leaves. I will be there begging for him to stop, to calm down, to not do this, to not leave....and it just seems to make him angrier. He has recently started to hit me. He's smacked me in the face twice, hit me with a shoe, thrown me onto the bed, slammed the door in my face (many many times), locked me out of rooms that he's in so I can't talk to him, and this last argument he actually got a water bottle and started spraying it in my face.

After that last argument he went on holiday with his friends to Dublin and Manchester. I got one message from him saying, "if you think your reaction was normal I have nothing to say to you". He was referring to the fact that I had been mad at him (for not seeing me the night before his trip), and he flipped out. He said that he can't stand my anxiety, that I said many things to him (which he could not remember), and that I have a serious problem.

Everything I read says that he is abusive. Except....this thing with control. Everything says abuse is control and he doesn't really control my comings in goings. In fact, he normally never knows where I am as he disappears all day and does what he wants on the weekends. Sometimes if he tries to get ahold of me and I play his game (ie, not answering right away), he does get angry. He has told me never to talk about him to my therapist (that I started going to to try to fix my problem so I could be a better wife), and he does get mad at me when I'm on the phone with my best friend.

However, he is always the one who wants to break up with me. He doesn't seem that jealous of other men (although a bit). He doesn't threaten me if I leave or say I'll leave.

I know this is kind of silly....but is it still abuse? Or maybe am I just that annoying of a person that I deserve this behavior? I'm on the cusp of leaving him (most of my stuff is at a friends house), but I keep going over what he's said to me, how he has made it all my fault, how he doesn't seem to care if I leave and does that make him abusive then? Or just fed up with me?

Anyone, please, I would appreciate your help and advice. This is so long, and I've cut out about 2/3 or what he's done to me. I should add that he has even admitted to cheating on me once, but he said it was out of spite for me accusing him. But even after you cheated on me you had the nerve to tell me that I'm sick with jealousy? And even though he has become increasingly more physically and verbally abusive, it's my "anxiety attacks" which are the reason for our arguments?

I'm just swimming in a sea of self doubt and confusion....

[Jan1212]

From what you described, it seems like it is, mmd, but also physical abuse. He may think it's normal, but it's not acceptable. It doesn't seem like there is respect or trust. My ex used to scream, and have tantrums when I was around him, He even slapped me in front of people. I thought it was normal...he had excuses for them, but it' not normal, it's unacceptable - no excuses for the behavior. Have this become your past. You don't deserve this.

[tinyrabbit]

He sounds controlling, violent, abusive and frightening.

Abuse might not be about controlling your movements. It can be more like thought poison. Telling you not to talk about him to your T is absolutely controlling. Making you feel bad for talking to your best friend: ditto.

Making it all your fault is a major warning sign. I'm sorry but I think you need to get away from him asap.

[catsrhelm]

That definatly sounds like mental abuse. Get out! You deserve better.

[hannabee]

RUN RUN RUN back to this country. Get a ticket immediately and get the hell out of there. He is abusive and there is NO EXCUSE you can make to justify it. Good luck and please keep us posted.

[~Christina]

If you have to ask if it's abuse ... It's abuse. Leave him ... Now ! You deserve love and respect. This is not your fault..

Stay safe !

With all of the posts above. Get out as quickly as you can!!! Take care of yourself...you're the only one who can

He is a "CONTROL FREAK" If he has started hitting you then this raises red flags for me.
You already know the best thing to do and that is to get out and run.

Take Care you deserve so much better

[Floralies]

I have been in your position over and over. Ten years with one guy after a zillion back and forths I finally left for good. The next one, I had a little baby and felt it was not a good environment to raise a child. That was easy because I would have (and still would) do anything to protect my child. Now I am married again. It's not perfect. When we have an argument he is so verbally and emotionally abusive. I still don't leave him. I always feel like its my fault. All of them control freaks. What it really comes down to is not valuing yourself so you put up with it. I'm not sure what your family background is like but I know I was raised without love and emotional support (always told I was stupid, would amount to nothing, mom wished I was never born etc.)so I feel I don't deserve it. Take a look at your upbringing and get help while you are still young.

He is definitely abusive to you. Thing is everything about this guy says he is a controlling self-righteous [redacted]. He is possibly a guy that is into dominating his mate, and controlling her. One thing that a controlling person will do is isolate the mate - hence the willingness to let you to move to his country away from your network of friends and family. As soon as he felt he had "secured" his prize, that's when things changed, you see? Now that he's got you (he's assuming) trapped in his country, he no longer has to be the nice guy, the loving mate, the character that obviously got you hooked on him. His true colors are that of a cheater, a controller and abuser. He likes to have his cake and eat it too (other women, and have you at home waiting too). You have no say in this, he is the way he wants to be and at this point his reactions to your responses to his behavior says that he's not going to change that any time soon. If you're not married to him, you have no reason to stay. Get out. As fast as you can, do it faster.

All you have ahead of yourself is either giving in, losing yourself by becoming what he wants or years of fighting with him trying to get him to be what he should be -- while there are many many other men out there that are perfectly willing to treat you right.

[catandmouse]

Yes, it's definitely abuse. He sounds like he has a personality disorder. I would suggest you look into Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It may provide some insight to many of your bf's behaviors. I am going through a very similiar experience (some parts I could write word for word esp about the cheating!). Please please remember that you did nothing wrong and it's not your fault.

[Andysmom]

The bottom line is that he hit you. That is unacceptable and you should get out ASAP.

[healingme4me]

Control, sometimes, in terms of domestic abuse, isn't so much, about keeping tabs, telling you what you can and cannot do, but it's about DOMINATION and MANIPULATION(to get their own way)

Once, it crosses the lines into physical abuse, it only gets scarier and scarier of a situation, to be involved in.

Of course, you are having self doubts, of course, you are questioning whether or not this is even abuse, of course, you are reaching the point of blaming yourself for his reactions.

Sometimes, control, isn't about what you imply it is, in the way you have asked, it's about lacking self control, because there is such an inner turmoil going on, inside the abuser.

You seem, on your way out, with having some stuff, at a friends.

Sounds, like you are in therapy? That's all a good start.

I didn't fully appreciate the 'control' word, myself, when I started to question what was going on in my former marriage. (which, even in divorce, grew more and more violent and threatening.)

Of course, you are having anxiety attacks! My anxiety rises, during abuse, it's the adrenaline of the fight or flight response of being human!

Originally Posted by mmd2192

That's when things changed. He started criticizing me.
. If he lost something, it was my fault.

Then came the...other stuff. He started saying he didn't believe in monogamy. \
He a few times said he wanted an open relationship, then would take it back.

.

I would ask him for the truth, and little by little his repsonses )which were always hostile and basically, shut up and leave me alone)

He has recently started to hit me. He's smacked me in the face twice, hit me with a shoe, thrown me onto the bed, slammed the door in my face (many many times), locked me out of rooms that he's in so I can't talk to him, and this last argument he actually got a water bottle and started spraying it in my face.

Everything I read says that he is abusive. Except....this thing with control. Everything says abuse is control and he doesn't really control my comings in goings. In fact, he normally never knows where I am as he disappears all day and does what he wants on the weekends. Sometimes if he tries to get ahold of me and I play his game (ie, not answering right away), he does get angry. He has told me never to talk about him to my therapist (that I started going to to try to fix my problem so I could be a better wife), and he does get mad at me when I'm on the phone with my best friend.

However, he is always the one who wants to break up with me. He doesn't seem that jealous of other men (although a bit). He doesn't threaten me if I leave or say I'll leave.

I know this is kind of silly....but is it still abuse? Or maybe am I just that annoying of a person that I deserve this behavior? I'm on the cusp of leaving him (most of my stuff is at a friends house), but I keep going over what he's said to me, how he has made it all my fault, how he doesn't seem to care if I leave and does that make him abusive then? Or just fed up with me?

Anyone, please, I would appreciate your help and advice. This is so long, and I've cut out about 2/3 or what he's done to me. I should add that he has even admitted to cheating on me once, but he said it was out of spite for me accusing him. But even after you cheated on me you had the nerve to tell me that I'm sick with jealousy? And even though he has become increasingly more physically and verbally abusive, it's my "anxiety attacks" which are the reason for our arguments?

I'm just swimming in a sea of self doubt and confusion....