8 year relationship...need serious help? (long post)

Hi, I had posted this is in another website/forum but I'm hoping someone would be kind enough to take the time to read this and maybe give me some insight...

So I have a concern with my fiancée whom I’ve been with over 7+ years. We have had a lot of ups and downs in our relationship especially in the past 3 years.

I guess some background is that I am older than her by 4 years (I’m in my late 20s) and I’m already situated in my career while she is currently in medical school (just started) and she has like 8+ years to go.

We had our struggles when she first went away for college which created a long distance relationship. Then after 2 years of being long distance, I decided to transfer my job and move in with her. This is where things got bad; she had trust issues and was always complaining why I worked so much. I would even call her from my work to prove that I was still there. And yes at this point, I think most people would have left. Though it took about 11 months and insane amount of fighting for me to get up and leave. It was hard, but we ended up seeing each other about a month to talk and we decided to try to take things slowly if we could work it out.

I ended up finding a job back to where I was from so I moved back and it created the long distance again. We did this for about a year but surprisingly we were able to resolve our issues and problems. So about 9 months ago, when things were actually great and I felt we were able to communicate better, I proposed to her. Things were going well but she got into medical school and of course I can’t hold her back from her career. It’s her dream to be a doctor since she was little.

I have been fortunate to be able to transfer my job to be near her so that we can go through this together. But it doesn’t stop there; we have no control of where she may go through residency (in 4 years) and so forth. We are looking at moving at least 2 or more times in the next 10 years and it could be anywhere in the United States.

I realize I do love her and we both have made certain sacrifices for one another but I have so much doubt and hesitation. My friends and family have all been extremely supportive and express their only concerns are my happiness. My hesitation was because we had issues before and yes we are improving but certain things have not improved.

A major thing that I have issues is how we fight. This girl fights dirty...I mean she will find the most hurtful, gut wrenching, steam blowing comments and words you would have never imagined but she does it. What has improved from this is the frequency (we fight a lot less now) but the actual depth of our fight is still her being hurtful with words and emotions. I sit there and basically tell her to calm down and I listen. From time to time, she is able to apologize without me bringing up how hurtful she is. But at times, she doesn’t realize how angry she was.

There are other issues as well from her competiveness, and how she feels that I care about my friends and family so much. I honestly see my friends maybe once or twice a month if that. And she always believes I pick sides with my family but the past 2-3 years I have been pushing away my family to be on her side. My dad even understood and said it’s hard for a man to be in between but as long as I was happy. Honestly I never bring anything up about my family and friends so that no issues can ever arise with my fiancée.

Recently we had a huge fight about me coming over there. I have been stalling, with my job understanding my situation they have allowed me to move whenever I’m ready. She has her valid reasons as why am I not there with her when I told her I would be. The worst part is every time we fight and it seems we’re about to break up, I end up doing everything I can to save it and hang on to her. It is every single time when we fight; I am always the one fighting to hang on to make it work and stick together. I don’t understand why I see the problems that keep occurring but every time I am fighting to make it work. And of course we apologize, and she is sweet and great again. Yet I keep thinking this will work, always this time it can and will.

I’m starting to read so many forums, blogs, and articles about emotional disorders and I’m starting to think I have codependency disorder and she has BPD. I know this is very presumptuous but I fit basically every description of a codependent while she is very aligned as someone who has BPD. Further I understand we both need professional help to be properly diagnosed.

Am I just over analyzing here? Why is it when she is ready to let go and tells me to be happy…I can’t let go? What is wrong with me?

Hi, cdd05, and welcome to Psych Central! Of course, we can't diagnose here, but to me it sounds like there are some unhealthy factors in your relationship. And there would be a lot of tough matters for you two to deal with in the future if you stick together, as you say.

I am concerned about how cruel she sounds. I don't know if she has BPD, but if not, then it sounds like she might have some emotional issues that really need to be treated. And also, I suggest you talk to a counselor about what is happening with you. Maybe a professional can help you to evaluate this relationship and why you are struggling with letting go. Best wishes!

Thank you very much for taking the time to read my post...started to feel like no one cared

I know I shouldn't be dependent on an online forum but it's been really difficult lately since I decided to come see her at where she's staying for med school. I don't know anyone over here and I just needed some form of an outlet so thank you for your response.

At this time, I decided to see her so that we could really try to work out our differences. If not, at least I wanted to be a decent person and we end the relationship face-to-face rather than over the phone.

I'll most definitely be looking for professional help because I want to find happiness again. Thank you again.

What was she like before she got into med school. Did she always fight dirty and say mean things? Med school is very stressful. Her emotional state will only get worse while she does her internship and residency. It will be as hard on you as it is on her.

She can contain her applications for her training after school to one area where you can get a place to live and you can keep a job. Unless she wants some very elite speciality she does not have to hop all over the country to complete her education. I think both of you need to start thinking about "us" and not so much about "her".

If she had to would she choose staying with you or breaaking up if needed to furthere her education? The answer to that questions should tell you how she feels.

She was a lot worst before she started med school recently. Thats why we broke up the first time around 3 years ago. We were actually living together and I just couldn't take it anymore and literally packed all my things and left.

I do love her but sometimes I wonder if the main reason I got back was because I saw how helpless and distraught she was after we had just broken up for a month. Sometimes I contemplate on that and it only makes the situation worst.

I understand that med school is stressful, but the way she handles it is very poorly. I got to admit that the frequency of fights and outburst of anger has significantly lessened but the severity of the fights are still just as horrible.

Going back why I got up and left 3 years ago was because she was studing for MCATs and was literally stressed out with her school and studying. She graduated from Stanford in the top 10 percent so you can see how much of a studious person she is. Anyhow, she basically would study all day, while I worked 60-70 hours a week, cooked, cleaned (did all chores-no exaggeration here because she was busy studying). Yet she would complain about me not wanting to spend time with her when she was free...honestly I was tired and exhausted, and I had to work certain weekends so I didn't have the luxury to just drop everything to be with her.

Well I still managed to trust her and love her enough to give it another shot which showed things improved. Honestly I always blamed myself for walking out 3 years ago, I felt I was the "bad guy" for doing that and basically abandoning her. Fast forward 2 years and we got engaged last December.

I honestly believe her school is her top priority. We always discussed this and I said I would understand. But I guess until you experience it you actually end up feeling this is really tough. I also told her I understand being long distance and we can work out careers and still commit to each other. She says this time around she can't do long distance anymore that she needs me around for support.

If it truly came down to me or her pursuing her dreams she would pick her education and career. She worked so hard to get to where she is at and she is a determined woman.

I guess this is where I need to be in control of myself and stop being so idiotic. My mind always tells me to learn to brave and give up because its for the best, but my heart always trumps it all.

Thank you for response and reading my problems.

The part that struck a chord with me is the fighting dirty and the fact that you're on the brink or feel like it, of breaking up every time you fight. It sounds so similar to the 13+ yr marriage/relationship I had with my ex. The threat of divorce came up invariably with every fight that was anything more than a mild disagreement. I lived in fear that this would be the last time, that this would be the fight that she actually leaves. I gave up a lot for the marriage, to keep it together, to keep her happy and I submitted way too much. I feel like it was her way to manipulate me to backing down in the argument and just give in to her..

In the end, she did leave anyway and I don't think there was anything I could have done to keep that from being the end result.

I can't say this is happening to you nor if this is the outcome of your relationship but I think it's notable enough, the similarities, that It was worth mentioning.

I hope it at least gives you some insight.

At the very least, before you tie the knot, please get pre-marital counseling.

The interesting thing about all this even though she may time to time threaten to leave me she always apologizes and wants to stay together. But that fear she creates is what drives me crazy and sad and frustrated...all together.

So even when she threatens to leave, or tells me to be happy and leave...I never leave

Thank you very much and you are right that if we do decide to move forward, we should see pre-martial counseling. Unfortunately she is so overwhelmed with her academics that I am not sure when we could ever have any time to go through any therapy. She is barely able to talk to me 5-10 minutes a day.

I definitley know I don't want to marry her until we sort this out despite we are engaged at the moment. I want to start the next chapter of our lives in the best position possible and not filled with so much anger, frustration, and doubt.

You say she always fought dirty and is very determined to get what she wants. She will not change. Fighting dirty is what she knows how to do and, even though it is not effective, it is still all she knows. If she is so determined she will do whatever it takes to reach her goal and not let anything stand in her way - including you.

If you stay with her be prepared for her to be mean to you, be ruthless in her actions to reach her goal and possibly decide you are in her way and toss you to the side. She sounds very selfish. You will not change her.

So a late update, we have been trying to talk things out but we keep fighting. She is actually calm and rationale despite my lies and hidden emotions. I reveled them because I couldn't take it anymore.

Well at this point, I either walk away or truly work with her because she finally has shown these past few weeks she wants to.

Thanks for all your help.