[will i get married]

I have been a serial flirt from my college days. The first guy I went out with was two-timing and we broke up. Next I just flirted with a couple of guys before I met my ex. It was a long-term relationship and we have had sex and we were getting closer to the point where I even told my parents about him. Then he broke up with me after he got a new girlfriend saying that I am bad and everything is my fault. It left me heart-broken and I went back to flirting till I met my current boyfriend. Initially when I met him, I didn’t have any intentions beyond friendship with him and even though I had given up on flirting before I met him, I was still in touch with a few people whom I had previously flirted with.

However when I started having feelings for my BF, i started edging out others from my life even as friends and finally when I knew I loved him, I completely cut ties with them. The problem now is that, have confessed to everything I had done so far in life to him. But I had lied out of fear in the beginning and now he couldn’t trust me anymore.

Moreover, he says I cheated by even talking to those people when we were friends and insists that some rumors spread by people that I’ve slept around a lot is true. Both of us are great together in all ways but these problems are killing us. We couldnt’t leave each other and we love each other with our whole hearts and yet I don’t know how to deal with this problem. I know I have made a lot of mistakes but I want to make him see that I love him and those rumors are not true. What should I do?

[Travelinglady]

Hello, will I get married, and welcome to Psych Central! I can't say I totally understand what your story is, but I don't think there is any way you can "prove" to him that what you said is true, unless these guys are polled and they tell him there was no sex. I'm not sure that could be done.....

So, were these guys you kept in touch with actual previous boyfriends? Is that what you are saying?

What did you actually lie about to him? What did you say? And then what did you later say was the truth?

I can see why he would be distrustful of you since you did lie to him. And trust is important in a lasting relationship.

[will i get married]

Originally Posted by PAYNE1

Hello, will I get married, and welcome to Psych Central! I can't say I totally understand what your story is, but I don't think there is any way you can "prove" to him that what you said is true, unless these guys are polled and they tell him there was no sex. I'm not sure that could be done.....

So, were these guys you kept in touch with actual previous boyfriends? Is that what you are saying?

What did you actually lie about to him? What did you say? And then what did you later say was the truth?

I can see why he would be distrustful of you since you did lie to him. And trust is important in a lasting relationship.

Initially I told him only about one ex boyfriend and said nothing about flirting etc. But he found out some parts of my past and finally, after telling the truths in small portions each time, I came clean and confessed everything. I hadn't been in touch with ex but couple of people I'd lead on/flirted with - but only spoke to them as acquaintances and nothing more. But now the problem is, even after I confessed to everything, he still feels that I am lying and feels he should believe what others tell him. i really am in a fix. He keeps changing his mind as to whether to remain in a relationship or breakup. He tries to convince me every day either to leave him/be just friends/marry someone else soon but I have told him that I can't do any of those. I really want to make this work.

[Travelinglady]

Alas, if he doesn't want to make it work, then you can't really have a one-sided relationship!

[will i get married]

Originally Posted by PAYNE1

Alas, if he doesn't want to make it work, then you can't really have a one-sided relationship!

The problem is not that he wants to totally breakup for sure. He keeps changing his mind as to whether to be together or to breakup. I told him that I won’t breakup but he says that he won’t breakup either and we can carry on this way for two years till we get married to other people. Then at other times he says that I don't know true love and he'll marry me. It is like he swings between “I love you,I can’t leave you, I want to marry you” and “I cannot be with you. You are an ***hole, a slut, a *****. You are second-hand and worth nothing. No use marrying you”.

He doubts me even if I am away for a few minutes and so I have to be with him in person/text/call him.

I want some suggestions on how to rebuild his trust in me and to make things smoother. I know it will take a long time and immediate results are not possible. But if it stays like this without changing, it will make us both mad and suicidal.

[Thorn Bird]

So, if you only flirted and weren't involved in cheating then I think your past is your past. I don't know what lies you originally told but now you have come clean and you love this guy. It is up to you to prove and earn his trust and likewise for him to learn to trust you. If he really loves you I think he will do this but at the end of the day it is up to him now you have told him the truth.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by will i get married

The problem is not that he wants to totally breakup for sure. He keeps changing his mind as to whether to be together or to breakup. I told him that I won’t breakup but he says that he won’t breakup either and we can carry on this way for two years till we get married to other people. Then at other times he says that I don't know true love and he'll marry me. It is like he swings between “I love you,I can’t leave you, I want to marry you” and “I cannot be with you. You are an ***hole, a slut, a *****. You are second-hand and worth nothing. No use marrying you”.

He doubts me even if I am away for a few minutes and so I have to be with him in person/text/call him.

I want some suggestions on how to rebuild his trust in me and to make things smoother. I know it will take a long time and immediate results are not possible. But if it stays like this without changing, it will make us both mad and suicidal.

He actually says what I underlined in bold?! With those words floating around, I am not sure, it's up to you any more to prove yourself in the here and now.

Is he in counseling, and are you? I ask because there seems to be a void somewhere floating around and becoming suicidal over being together? Shakespeare wrote fiction.

[Sylphine]

If this guy is calling you names and making you feel worthless and suicidal then he is an emotional abuser. You have nothing to prove to someone who believes others over you. He doubts you even if you are away for a few minutes and you have to be with him or call him, sounds to me with all this and the abusive name calling like he is the one with the problem and not you, he sounds like he has a personality disorder like Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Bordeline Personality Disorder, please google and find out about them.

[~Christina]

Why would you even want to be with someone that would call you such things? hes not showing love hes showing hate and its abuse.

Maybe you need to end this and move on..

[will i get married]

thank u all for ur replies. It is a tough time for me and I am not able to talk to any of my friends or family regarding this. There is literally no time for me to myself apart from the few hours in the morning before he wakes up and so I couldn't really do much for myself to think a way to solve everything. Problem is we are in other ways great together and when we are cool, we talk about marriage and stuffs. If he gets over all this, it will be great. But if he doesn't, the marriage will fail or he will breakup after being together for 1-2 years by which time I feel that I might lose my own identity. I have told him to walk out many times and scolded back for being offensive to me but I am not able to end it or come to any proper decision.

[will i get married]

Back again asking for more suggestions/advice..

I have no idea what to do. Feels like I am stuck. Even my previous boyfriend couldn't deal with my past even after I gave up everything from friends to my dreams for him. And my current boyfriend says that my ex left me 'cos he just had me around for physical reasons.
I am giving up my time, job, friends and my very sanity and soul for my boyfriend because I love him very much but he just keeps on scolding me when we are apart. I missed his call by two minutes and he started asking as to whom I was with and if I seduce everyone I talk to. It really hurts so much. I honestly don't want to leave him. But it really is killing me everyday to the point where I feel I may lose my identity and myself

[Trippin2.0]

Your initial post and your response to the feedback received does not add up...

You ask in your thread title where is this relationship going, posters have made it clear it has already embarked on a very unhealthy and toxic path.

Then you ask what should I do?

Nothing you do will make him treat you better, others have pointed this out and advised accordingly, still your last post indicate that you did not receive the responses you wanted...

What is it then that you seek here?
Do you want to know how to stay with an abuser?

If so, the answer is simple;
Give up on any notion that your relationship will improve. Give up on the idea that any of your actions will result in being treated as a valued humanbeing. Give up on being an indepedent person and an independent thinker. Accept that you are his posession and he will treat you as he pleases. Accept that you an your happiness are not important to him. Accept that you are at the mercy of his moods. Accept that his treatment of you will deteriorate and that the good times will slowly decrease and then become non existant. Accept defeat.

I sadly dated my abusive ex for a longtime before he progressed from your bf's form of abuse to outright physical abuse, so I know what I speak of.

Btw, your last bit in your post is incorrect. You can leave him, you are choosing not to.
There is a HUGE difference. Cannot means being unable to, as far as I can tell you are not chained to a floorboard so the ability is there. The will however is not.

The fact that your are choosing not to, leads me to ask you to please seek therapy for yourself to explore why you choose this when life has so much better to offer.

PS. I found real love after finally deciding I was too good to be treated like shyt.
True love is a 2 way street, consisting of partners who love, respect and trust eachother. Partners who work toward making a good life for eachother, with eachother. Partners who want what's best for eachother.

What you have described in your relationship is anything but, no matter how nice the good times feel.

I know I'm strange,
But what are you? .....

[will i get married]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Your initial post and your response to the feedback received does not add up...

You ask in your thread title where is this relationship going, posters have made it clear it has already embarked on a very unhealthy and toxic path.

Then you ask what should I do?

Nothing you do will make him treat you better, others have pointed this out and advised accordingly, still your last post indicate that you did not receive the responses you wanted...

What is it then that you seek here?
Do you want to know how to stay with an abuser?

If so, the answer is simple;
Give up on any notion that your relationship will improve. Give up on the idea that any of your actions will result in being treated as a valued humanbeing. Give up on being an indepedent person and an independent thinker. Accept that you are his posession and he will treat you as he pleases. Accept that you an your happiness are not important to him. Accept that you are at the mercy of his moods. Accept that his treatment of you will deteriorate and that the good times will slowly decrease and then become non existant. Accept defeat.

I sadly dated my abusive ex for a longtime before he progressed from your bf's form of abuse to outright physical abuse, so I know what I speak of.

Btw, your last bit in your post is incorrect. You can leave him, you are choosing not to.
There is a HUGE difference. Cannot means being unable to, as far as I can tell you are not chained to a floorboard so the ability is there. The will however is not.

The fact that your are choosing not to, leads me to ask you to please seek therapy for yourself to explore why you choose this when life has so much better to offer.

PS. I found real love after finally deciding I was too good to be treated like shyt.
True love is a 2 way street, consisting of partners who love, respect and trust eachother. Partners who work toward making a good life for eachother, with eachother. Partners who want what's best for eachother.

What you have described in your relationship is anything but, no matter how nice the good times feel.

I know I'm strange,
But what are you? .....

Trippin2.0,
Thank you very much for your reply. Yes you are right - love is both ways. Just the problem is - my ex behaved in pretty much the same way, only less tormenting than this - makes me feel like all men will be infuriated with any sorts of past and I love him so much and in all ways I feel scared to walk out of the relationship. I know that I could do so much more if I am out of the relationship but I am just scared - as it is, there are enough people talking behind my back saying things I haven't done. I am worried what will happen if this relationship ends. I am from a conservative family and just no one will understand me. My BF is fine when he is with me or kissing me or making love but even then suddenly he brings up saying I am a used person and have no value at all. I am just worried that whomsoever I eventually end up with, will be like this and so I am just putting up with this - scared to walk out but also scared to stay.

[Trippin2.0]

Scared? Boy do I ever understand. First I was scared of being alone, then I was scared because maybe I'm too damaged, and finally, too scared because I got mistaken for a punching bag.

I get it and I'm not judging you.

I can tell you this though, YOU are selling yourself short, you are accepting this treatment out of fear, and you know what? As scary and painful as walking away is, it DOES lead to a better path, but only you can lead yourself there.

Staying means losing yourself, your self-respect, maybe eventually even you dignity, and the worst leaving does is force you to face the unknown...

Think about that.

The fact this is the second man you've dated with such possessive and abusive behaviours is another thing to explore with a therapist. What is it about these men that you found appealing, and why do you stay when you know you shouldn't?

I know Idk you, but honestly, I want whats best for you, more importantly, I want YOU to want what's best for you. When you want it enough, the fear ceases to cripple you

[will i get married]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Scared? Boy do I ever understand. First I was scared of being alone, then I was scared because maybe I'm too damaged, and finally, too scared because I got mistaken for a punching bag.

I get it and I'm not judging you.

I can tell you this though, YOU are selling yourself short, you are accepting this treatment out of fear, and you know what? As scary and painful as walking away is, it DOES lead to a better path, but only you can lead yourself there.

Staying means losing yourself, your self-respect, maybe eventually even you dignity, and the worst leaving does is force you to face the unknown...

Think about that.

The fact this is the second man you've dated with such possessive and abusive behaviours is another thing to explore with a therapist. What is it about these men that you found appealing, and why do you stay when you know you shouldn't?

I know Idk you, but honestly, I want whats best for you, more importantly, I want YOU to want what's best for you. When you want it enough, the fear ceases to cripple you

Hmmm yes... Problem is not that initially they were like that. Problem is that initially they say that they are okay with whatever my past is and I tell my past - not fully but just what's needed. But later on, I am being forced to say every tiny detail. And then what's good first, becomes worse later. I don't even know as to whom to turn to because, even friends who lend a ear to my troubles, talk behind me and I am left confused. Worst is that even while making love, my BF has to scream stuff like I am not a virgin - do I have any dignity - I am impure and much more worse stuff. He says that because he is not the first man in my life, he can't show me anything new - even if I deny and say he means the world and even smallest things I do with him is new, he can't accept it. He never feels reassured when I say that I am 100% happy with him.
I know I should be with someone who appreciates me and enjoys being with me for whom I am. But just that - none of the guys I have come across are like that - most don't mind saying they are in love with me and flirt but when it comes to commitment, they say I am like this and that.

PS: I live in India and my biggest fear to let go is that all men here will be that way and I have to settle to just being with him and hope for the best even if I am getting more depressed by the day.

[Trippin2.0]

Maybe part of the issue here is that you trust too easily?

I don't divulge personal info that can be used against me until the person earns my trust. I also learned that lesson the hard way, I was always ever ready to believe and only see the good in people until they hurt me or completely screwed me over.

I learned slowly to weed out the ones who didn't deserve my trust and loyalty, and my life has been changed for the better because of this choice.

There's a saying in my culture that doesn't translate very well to English but it still brings the point across:

New brooms clean best.

It means that people are always willing to put their best foot forward in the beginning, but their true colours eventually show.

Maybe give people more time to show their true colours before sharing personal info with them in future.

I know our cultures are very different, my sisters married into staunch Indian families, families who have not been in my country for long, and have stayed true to their cultural and religious practices. I've learned alot from my brothers in law regarding the culture and the dynamics within families and relationships.
I say this so that you know I understand the possible challenges you are faced with, not because I think I know it all.

I don't know how vast your pond of suitable men is where you live, but I do know that the longer you hold onto this bf, the more chances you miss out on meeting a man worthy of your love and devotion.

[will i get married]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Maybe part of the issue here is that you trust too easily?

I don't divulge personal info that can be used against me until the person earns my trust. I also learned that lesson the hard way, I was always ever ready to believe and only see the good in people until they hurt me or completely screwed me over.

I learned slowly to weed out the ones who didn't deserve my trust and loyalty, and my life has been changed for the better because of this choice.

There's a saying in my culture that doesn't translate very well to English but it still brings the point across:

New brooms clean best.

It means that people are always willing to put their best foot forward in the beginning, but their true colours eventually show.

Maybe give people more time to show their true colours before sharing personal info with them in future.

I know our cultures are very different, my sisters married into staunch Indian families, families who have not been in my country for long, and have stayed true to their cultural and religious practices. I've learned alot from my brothers in law regarding the culture and the dynamics within families and relationships.
I say this so that you know I understand the possible challenges you are faced with, not because I think I know it all.

I don't know how vast your pond of suitable men is where you live, but I do know that the longer you hold onto this bf, the more chances you miss out on meeting a man worthy of your love and devotion.

To be honest I have no idea - all men I have come across are like this. My parents are already on the lookout for a guy (arranged marriage) and even though I insisted a lot that I am not in the right age/maturity to be married, they feel that I won't get a good guy. Then I fall in love and he treats me this way. When we are not talking about the past, he is very very caring. But when he starts his questions, he can't stop.

He even said that the first time he had sex with me, it was because he was angry that I wasn't a virgin. Even now he says that he won't feel guilty because he is not my first and I am a slut anyways so no problem for him. I really don't want to do a lot of things with him especially romance before marriage. But I do so anyways just to stop him from asking if I ever considered so before.

Everyone here in the forum and whichever friends whom I confided in (I just mentioned that he is interested in my past and not what he is putting me through daily) are of the common opinion that I should leave him. I am scared very much that even if I do find someone else and get married, me having flirted and having been in 2 committed relationships with sex, I will have to go through this again. I want to move, do well in career, be independent, find someone who'll love me just the way I am, etc but I am just not able to.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by will i get married

I want to find someone who'll love me just the way I am, etc but I am just not able to.

See this is where your thinking pattern is wrong.
You ARE able to, you are not allowing yourself to. The more you think this way, the more true it becomes in your mind.

If your parents are of the understanding type, why not try and reason with them. Meaning have them look out for suitors, but that you don't have to agree to marry unless you think it may be a good match...

If this is an option I strongly suggest you try it, and NOT divulge your past too quickly. My reasoning is that your parents may know a better breed of men, and may just present you with a suitable man, one that will treat you with the respect you deserve. I can't honestly imagine any good father marrying his daughter off to a scumbag.

Also, try not being sO open about your past. A partner really doesn't need to know every single detail of the life you lead before him, share only what is relevant to the relationship.

See in your case, virginity is relevant, you can say you had a longterm bf, you thought it was leading toward marriage and thus you felt it safe enough to have sex with him.

Only that.

You don't need to name and number who you did what with, it doesn't benefit anybody really and has already opened up so many opportunities for you to get hurt.

[will i get married]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

See this is where your thinking pattern is wrong.
You ARE able to, you are not allowing yourself to. The more you think this way, the more true it becomes in your mind.

If your parents are of the understanding type, why not try and reason with them. Meaning have them look out for suitors, but that you don't have to agree to marry unless you think it may be a good match...

If this is an option I strongly suggest you try it, and NOT divulge your past too quickly. My reasoning is that your parents may know a better breed of men, and may just present you with a suitable man, one that will treat you with the respect you deserve. I can't honestly imagine any good father marrying his daughter off to a scumbag.

Also, try not being sO open about your past. A partner really doesn't need to know every single detail of the life you lead before him, share only what is relevant to the relationship.

See in your case, virginity is relevant, you can say you had a longterm bf, you thought it was leading toward marriage and thus you felt it safe enough to have sex with him.

Only that.

You don't need to name and number who you did what with, it doesn't benefit anybody really and has already opened up so many opportunities for you to get hurt.

Yes I had considered doing just that before my bf came along. I was pulling my life together, getting on well with people, creating better social circles and in general, life was good till he came and everything went up and came crashing down to the ground, big time.

Last night we had a long talk. I told him that I had to give up just about every single thing about me to be with him and we can't live if we keep dwelling in the past. He says that he doesn't mind it and he just wants to find if I am still hiding anything else from him and that to be with him, I had to listen to every word he said.

Every time I think of breaking up, or tell him to leave me alone, he comforts me and I just melt when he does that. I just couldn't utter the words to leave him because I keep wishing things will be okay and I spend hours searching for ways to get things on track with him. Why do breakups have to be so hard - I normally hate to end things with anyone - be it friendship or a relationship. I always hate to say anything to hurt someone but I end up getting hurt bad.

I am just trying so much - the relationship is just 3 months old and I feel like I've been in it for 3 years with the amount and intensity of emotions I am feeling. I just want to keep it smooth - so he/I don't get hurt anymore - be it whether we breakup/stay together.

[will i get married]

Back again....
So it was my boyfriend's birthday a few days ago. I really went out and did a lot for him. He said that it was the best ever birthday in his whole life.
I was truly so happy about this. But now again he has started to say weird things - like asking what I did for my ex's birthday, etc.
Isn't there any way to save our relationship? He said that he was going to dig completely into my past till he clears all his doubts and when he is satisfied, he will marry me. But I am getting so depressed by the day. I haven't spoken to any friends in weeks, I am losing sleep, losing weight, losing concentration... I am literally at my wit's end trying to solve the problems.
I really love him and want to save the relationship - but love is to be together at peace with each other - I want to find that peace. I am also scared as to what he'll do because he said that I need to beware of consequences if he finds out that I lied over anything.
Is there any way to change things? He is happy when we have good time like how I had arranged his birthday, etc. But every other day, it is like this...

[Trippin2.0]

Sadly like I said if you want to stay, then you better accept his behaviour. Things simply won't change...
There's really nothing more I can say on this subject, but know that I do wish you well.

[tinyrabbit]

He is jealous and controlling. It's not going to get better. I'm sorry.

[healingme4me]

What type of consequences. Most people marry with the intention that it's for life. Remember, this is only a glimpse into your married life with him. If you feel badly now, it's all downhill from here. That's the blunt, honest truth.

[will i get married]

I try not to think of moving away as a solution
On one hand, I do love him a lot, and on the other hand, all guys will be the same about their girl's pasts so...