[leregrattier]

I am extremely envious of my future sister-in-law and I am having a very difficult time coming to terms with her presence in our family. I have been married to my husband for one year, but have been dating him for the past eight. During that time I became very close to his three (single) brothers and mother. I was "the daughter", the special female in the family. I invested so much in the relationships- emotionally, financially, etc. I felt so important and appreciated. Just recently, the eldest son in the family announced his engagement to a girl 13 years his junior who he has known for 6 months and who the family has only met once at Christmas this past year. I immediately felt threatened and all sorts of insecure feelings surfaced (ones, I might add, that I have been working very hard for years to deal with-through therapy and most recently with a low dose of Zoloft, which helped immensely). Despite this raging jealousy, I wanted to welcome her to the family and demonstrate to myself that I wasn't totally out of control, so I immediately sent her some flowers and a lovely note. She responded kindly. I have absolutely no reason to dislike her! The poor thing just wants to be part of the family. But I am struggling so with my own feelings of jealousy, envy, low self-esteem, and general insecurity that I am afraid that I will drive a wedge between myself and the family that I love so much. My husband says that I am behaving very badly and that I should get a handle on my emotions and move forward. I know he's right, but on nights like this when I am alone and feeling so poorly, I just can't quite come to grips with myself. I should add that I have a great family of my own- a mother and father and brother. I really don't know why this new woman is bothering me so much, but my reaction is so strong and is interferring with all of the hard work that I have done in therapy for years and I'm afraid the medicine isn't working or something. Any insights would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance for your thoughts.

[curlyq]

I think you did a very nice thing sending her the flowers. You are demonstrating goodwill toward her and I find that admirable especially considering your feelings. And, you obviously work hard in therapy. I think your feelings will change toward her as you continue to do nice things for her. I don't mean you have to send her flowers every day. My feelings have changed towards some new family members over the years. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. But I try to remember that we all have faults and so do all of my family members and myself. We all have something that we may have to work on a little harder.

Have you tried just having some little conversations with her? When I did that with some of my family I saw them in a different light. Your feelings will probably change toward her. I think there's lots of hope for you. You also are honest about what's going on. Take care and hope you keep us updated. CQ

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<font color=purple>"When one door of happiness closes, another one opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened to us." Helen Keller</font color=purple>

[mj14]

It can be so hard to control those kinds of feelings. You have actually taken a big step by simply realizing that what you're feeling is a result of your own issues, and are not due to any misbehavior on her part. I think what curlyq suggested is a good idea...do whatever you can to be nice to her...even if you don't "feel" love for her, do as much as you can to act that way. I know it sounds odd, but I have often found that acting like I feel a certain way, even when I don't, can actually shift my feelings. You may even want to try things like just saying to yourself, "I love my sister-in-law"..."I am glad to have her as part of my family"...again, even though you don't think these things now, telling yourself them over and over again may actually start to shift your feelings.

Good luck...it may feel like an awful struggle, but from what you say, you really want to conquer these feelings, so I'm sure you can.

mj

[mbarsk]

Hello!

What about allowing yourself to be jealous? What is the worst that can happen if you would allow yourself to have the feelig of yealousy without juding yourself. No one need to know. I am thinking that as long as you carry the belief that you should not be yealous, that you are bad when you are feeling yealous just as long will you have a problem with being yealous and you will have a conflict within youself. If you would let go of the belief that you should not be yealous there would not be a conflict...

Yealousy, love, anger , happiness etc etc are all feelings that all humans have no matter if we should or not. We all know that love and yealousy often go together and why is that do you think? In my view it is because we tend to gard what we love so we will not loose it, very simple. You are not childish, you are an adult women who is yealous of your future sister in law. I would be too. Think about it ..Here she showes up from no where, young, pretty charming getting everybodys attention!!! I hate it, I want the attention, it is not fare, I had your attention for so long and here she comes and gets it just like that. [censored] [censored] [censored]!!!!! It is MY FAMILY GO TO YOUR OWN!!!!

By the way, there is nothing strange, bad or abnormal with you being yealous and feeling threatened by your future sister in law. The simple truth is that you will no longer be the only appreciated sister in law or daughter in law in your husbands family. I think on the contrary that you would have to be a cold, indifferent individual if this change in the family you love would not in any way affect you. You are reacting to change and it is a process that will take some time or you will always be yealous of your sister in law, time will tell. Try to remember that you are you and your inlaws love you because you are you and hoprefully they will love your future sister in law as they love you. Maybe one day you will get to know your sister in law so well that you two sit in the hammock confining how each of you felt in may of 2002.

[kitty]

I think you have addressed many of the issues that you are actually confronting - that the jealousy stems from your own feelings of insecurity. The question is how to deal with that. First, are you getting support from your husband and family in general? It is ok that your husband tells you to get a handle on your feelings re: this matter, but is he otherwise supportive? Your insecurity stems from somewhere and you need to figure out where it comes from and why. When my husband and I first met, I was very jeolous of his relationship w/his sister. Their mother had died when they were both young and he felt extremely protective towards his sister, overly protective. All my friends and family noticed it. I knew my jeolousy stemmed from my own insecurity, but it was his actions that brought it out. I never really said anything to him and eventually I became the most important person in his life. He still caters to her a little too much, but now I realize it is mostly out of pity. I truly no longer feel any jeolousy. Don't be too hard on yourself for feeling this way. These feelings are emerging for some reason and you need to investigate why so you can change it and feel happier.

[leregrattier]

Thank you very much to everyone for the thoughtful responses! I have thought a great deal about my feelings and am coming to terms with my jealousy. I have talked with my husband and he is becoming increasingly supportive of my concerns, which has helped a lot. I have also talked with my own parents who have also been very helpful. They all have told me how much they love me and have echoed the sentiments that you all have posted. I am going to invite my future sister-in-law to visit us and I hope we will grow closer and become friends. Thank you again!

[curlyq]

Glad things are getting better for you. Hope you'll come on back often and update us and hang around, too! Take care, CQ

<font color=blue>"Real glory springs from the silent conquest of ourselves." Joseph P. Thompson</font color=blue>

<font color=red>"Every creator painfully experiences the chasm between his inner vision and its ultimate expression." Isaac Bashevis Singer</font color=red>

<font color=purple>"Experience teaches slowly and at the cost of mistakes." James A. Froude</font color=purple>