jealousy

hey guys, hope all is well.

im feelin quite upset at the mo, and my comp just set me off cryin! i wrote a post about why im feelin unhappy then just before i went to post it my browser crashed and i lost it all, stupidly, that made me cry.
ive been upset all day, things have been on my mind all day and i think its just gettin the best of me tonight.

ive had a few emotional things ive had to deal with recently and i thought i was copin quite well, until today, today is not one of my good days.

see, a guy in work called josh was back today after bein on holiday for 2 weeks and everyone has been around him givin him all the attention, huggin him kissin him etc (its always been like that, isnt just because hes been away) and ive been kind of left alone today. ive felt really alone today, in the last couple of weeks ive grown close to a girl in work who i quite fancy, called fay, and we were gettin on really well, but now josh is back shes been all over him and ignored me, it seems i was a stand in, someone she can talk to just because josh was away. its not like fay and josh are an item, she has a boyfriend.

i will be the first to admit it, i am dead jealous of josh, i look at him and all i see is someone who (through no fault of his own) has grown up in such an easy life, has a loving family around him, hes good lookin, hes attractive, hes rich, funny etc, all that s*** girls go for, hes basically everthin i aint, and hes had the life ive longed for too. hes the same age as me too but we are so different because of or up bringings. i sometimes wish i could spend a day in his shoes, see the world through his eyess and not mine for a change, im tired of lookin out through these eyes, especially wen theres people like him i see. i feel guilty for dislikin him for that because its not his fault, just like its not my fault my lifes been this way.

i wouldnt mind so much if had people around me that cared but i dont, they are all too busy spending all their time with people like him. i came home from work earlier feelin really low, and wen i got home who was here for me, who was here to comfort me? no one. just me. so ive had to sort myself out today, as its always been. it would be nice to just come home to lovin arms, for someone to comfort me, and make me feel i shouldnt be jealous of him. having to deal with your own problems on ur own allt he time gets hard sometimes, today bein one of those days.

the wierdest thing about it, i just had a text from my ex girlfriend (we went out together 5 years ago, we got together just after my mum passed away). i was crazy for her, i fell in love with her, i no it was love, u just no these things. the trouble is, she finished it 4 months after we got together cos she went on holiday and met someone there, had a holiday romance with him and came home to me, and so she bailed out. she broke my heart, at a time i was hurtin anyway i put too much emotional trust into the relationship and it all back-fired on me. it took me years to get over her, to forget her. i still think about her, and yea, i still have feelings for her, i always will becaus eshe meant so much to me for one reason or another. about 2 years ago i decided to tell her how i felt, i was fed up of keepin it to myself, i wanted her to no, i must admit, i did dream shed come runnin back to me into my arms, ya no, the happy ending story, but it didnt quite go that way. she didnt talk to me afterwards for about a year. we very rarely talk now, the daft thing is she only lives 2 minutes walk away from me. i can almost see her house from mine. shes with a boy at the mo (has been since we left school 3 years ago) and he was one of the biggest reasons me and laura split up, he was jealous of me so he spread rumours about me, lied to people about me, basically painted me in a bad light, and that had a big influence on laura wen it came to her splittin up with me. he continued to kick me whilst i was down, considerin my mum had died about 3 moths before, he didnt hold back, he bullied me for 2 whole years until i left school. literally from about 3 weeks after my mum died to the day we left school he made my life even worse. he is still with laura to this day. and he doesnt let her speak to me i think because she once said to me that me and her should stop talkin because luke wont like it.

see guys, i really have experienced everythin, and its all goin round in my head lately, suppose im just dealin with it all now whilst im strong enough. i really am sorry for the really long posts but its only cos im new to this site and i have alot to get off my chest, hope u guys understand.

hope you guys can help me feel better tonight, im still close to tears, although, writin this (twice!) has helped alot.

speak soon

(((((hugs)))) When we become depressed it does seem our brain digs out all the other sad thoughts to make us feel worse!

I think if you could befriend Josh, and ask him --seriously-- in a good setting---- why he thinks he's such a (popular) guy (use your word)... it would help in more ways than one... unless he's a jerk and ignores you. But most ppl's ego is fed by being asked questions like that. If the conversation goes good, at some point, if the friendship grows??? You can ask what he sees you need to do to be appreciated as much??? IDK... think along those lines...

I sure understand about pouring your emotions out and losing the post!!!! GRRR many of us here have had it happen. I don't usually repost. Sometimes I remember to copy it before submitting it... but if the browser crashed, hmmm you'd have to copy it into a wordprocessing program to still have it!

Hang in there!

the main problem with josh is that he is arrogant with it, he knows hes popular, he knows hes loved, so he feeds on that completely, he is definately an attention seeker. he has no time for me, we had a chat not so long ago but i could never put across my opinion to him as he always would turn the conversation around to himself. he is like this in front of the girls, hes very 'confident' of himself but his attitude in front of girls is different to his attutude in front of blokes, as in most people. personally, i cant do that and i wont, i have to remain genuine, and if thats where i am going wrong, then i guess i will go wrong forever because i will not try to be like him in any way, i am reasonably happy with who i am, i no i have alot to offer, but it does bring u down bein surrounded by people like josh day in day out.

remain true to yourself and genuine. if josh is a "pig", then just let him be one.

i can tell from your post that you're a sensitive person and someone is going to appreciate that. i don't know how old you are, but i'm thinking early 20s?

and i also understand about coming into an empty house. it's hard to not have someone to ask how your day went, etc. BUT, you have PC and we care about you.

keep posting, okay? xoxoxo pat

((((((((hugz)))))))))))), I haven't been around much lately, so want to welcome you to PC.....there are alot of great people here that are good at supporting through tough times.

I was glad to read through this thread & read that you really don't want to be like that "arrogent guy" Josh. I know the desire to be popular & be seen by others around you rather than being invisible, but you are very wise to not want to lower your own standards to get there. Your choice in that thinking is perfect & there will be someone that wants you for what you really are rather than trying to be more popular but lowering your values just to get attention. It sounds like you are on the right path.....even though at this time in your life it isn't as comfortable as you would like it to be. It's important to realize that your future is the important thing to focus on & a change to become more popular like Josh right now could actually harm your future happiness.....& it is great to hear that you realize this.

I am now 53, but remember many of my past feelings as I was growing up. Wishing that my home life would have supported better the way I wanted my life to be. I had a loving family, but both my parents had a very poor self esteem problem. Unfortunately, they weren't anything I wanted to pattern my life after....so I didn't have any examples to follow. I was an only child, so had no brothers or sisters to learn from either. The neighbor families I was around didn't give me that much insight to know how to get what I wanted out of my own life. I had to forge my own path in life & gather as much as I could from teachers & advisors around school.....(which wasn't like having a good example from home life). I have to admit that my value system from my parents was good....& I know we aren't supposed to talk religion....but I have to admit that it helped my value system also even though I asked too many questions that made my parents mad at me.

I guess what I would also say about Josh is that it seems to you that he has everything you haven't had, but I would bet if you got to know him & his family life & see life through his eyes, that is wouldn't be as good as it seems to you. People can make things look better than they really are. They can trick you into thinking that their life is so good but in reality, it isn't any better than yours. I have learned this over my many years of life.

The one thing that seems to be very wonderful in your life....even though you have had to go through so much pain & sadness, is that you are very sensitive to other people's feelings. That is something that many people are lacking. Sometimes we have to go through rough times in our lives so that we can know better about feelings (ours & others).

It sounds like there can be a lesson learned from your ex girlfriend also. One thing I learned from a similar situation was that I lost my own identity & my strength when I put myself totally into a relationship & let it control my emotions during & after it was over. I learned that I could love someone, but as I matured came the realization that it isn't healthy to allow anyone to control you to that extent. It seems like you have observed how bad that experience was. It also seems like you understand how wrong it is for a guy to control a girl to the extent where he won't let her talk to someone. "he doesn't let her speak to me I think because she once said to me that me & her should stop talking because Luke wouldn't like it." My question is how can anyone stand being so controlled by someone to the point where they can't talk to someone they want to talk. It seems like from that, you also realize that it isn't good for you to control someone like that either.

The emotional experiences that we go through as we grow are the way we learn about how we should treat people & how we want to be treated by people. It is the maturing process we all have to go through to learn how we want to be treated & how we should treat others as we continue with our lives.

It actually sounds like you are doing very well from your post. You are sensitive & have gone through so many personality growing experiences. Your values sound like they are growing strong & you are sensitive as to what you want to be like & how you treat others & also how you want to be treated by others. There is a wiseness that comes through in your post & as time passes, it sounds like you are going to be much better off than others who haven't had your experiences. It is tough living through it......but it sounds like you are doing very well & should be very proud of yourself. Just remember, it is all a growth process that never ends throughout our lives.

Take care & take it easy on yourself.....you sound like you are on a good path for your future.
Debbie

Aww thanks debbie, reading that post was uplifting to me, gave me something i rarely get from everyday life.

oh and by the way, to the person who guessed my age, i am actually 19, so you werent far off lol.

back to your reply, debbie, i feel you had similar experiences growing up than i have, my parents divorced when i was about 4 or 5 i think, which is different to you, and, the other diference is that i have 1 brother and 1 sister. i too though, have had no strength in my family throughout childhood, i have felt ive had to build values on very rocky ground which was hard work, i dont know if you've seen my other threads, but what i was talking about in them is the fact ive seen so much corruption all around me, violence from so early on, i have been sexually abused at the age of ten, lost my mum at the age of 14, fell in love with laura at 14, lost her too. ive seen my sister do drugs and finally lost the plot one day and tried to stab my dad, the only thing stopping her was me, i stood in her way and told her if she wanted to get to my dad she would have to get through me, which she didnt. other things in between havent helped my journey (although, sometimes i think it has helped me), the latest being a house we tried to buy in cyprus, as a holiday home, but we didnt realise we were being conned and we ended up loosing near on ten thousand (english) pounds, that happened back in may this year. i think thats why i get down some days, all those instances come round to haunt me sometimes and when you get all those memories come back at once, even though i have dealt with them, it does drown you abit with emotion.

i must say PC has been a fantastic lifeline for me recently, i was reading a post about sexual offenders and it was such an interesting read that i stayed up until 2am this morning reading it all, and i had to get up for work at 6 this mornin, so have been pretty tired today lol.

in relation to my ex girlfriend, i think when i told her about my feelings it scared her, she did say she will always feel something for me as i was her 'first love' which i dont know whether to believe. but in my opinion she is the one who feels she cant talk to me and as she knows i will not speak to her boyfriend she can use him as an excuse, although i do know of some problems they have been having (she told me before i told her about my feelings).

in respect to your comments about the experiences we go through, and that they mature us and help us to see life in better ways, i really do agree with that. i believe everything happens for a reason, even though sometimes it seems theres no justice in it. i guess thats life really.

simon, you struck a chord when you mentioned the money you lost. i recently lost $115 thousand because a neighbor scammed a bank and took a loan out on my property in New Mexico. when he couldn't pay the payments, foreclore occured and he took bankruptcy. then the federal government stepped in and i couldn't get my property back. even though we proved it was mine. you can't sue the government, so we sued all that had touched paper work. i got $11k. then i had dental expense which took $5600 and now i'm broke and waiting on my social security retirement check. it's hell to be cheated and conned. it makes you have all kinds of insecure feelings, feelings of rage, feelings of hurt, betrayal, loss and utter helplessness. my lawyer reduced the legal fees or i would not have gotten the $11k. then i got sick and that took more. one of the prescriptions cost $450.00 for 30 days. the illness is another story entirely and i won't burden you with those details.

i do understand how you are feeling. such losses that you've experienced. i wish i could help you more. i make a mean sour cream cookie and i wish i could just hop the big pond and we would sit and eat cookies and drink tea and talk.

keep posting, we share and we care. xoxoxo pat

sour cream cookies and tea sounds great lol. if you do want to talk about your illness feel free to private message me, i will be more than happy to listen and talk about it.

being conned isnt easy to deal, although i must say, it has beeen at the back of my mind recently, with having to deal with the abuse issue, kinda makes the other problems seem to fade, sometimes...until i get a down day.

i really do feel for you loosing all that money, and your home, its hard when you lose the only place in the world you feel secure in. as for your illness, that sounds awful, and like i said, i am here if you want a chat.

speak soon