[Seiya]

I want opinions on this. I sometimes ignore red flags before dating someone. I am ready to try dating again and am talking to someone from an online dating site. Yeah I know, not the best choice ever, but it can't hurt to try it right?

Anyway, I have agreed to meet him and I'm having second thoughts. He made it clear from the start he has social anxiety, which I understand since I have some too. At first I thought it was cool that he is so open and honest. But now, I feel uncomfortable with how much he talks about it. He has brought it up in several emails now, which makes me wonder just how severe it is. I know he has friends and has a job and stuff like that, but I don't know. Would we be good for each other or pull each other down?

I got another red flag when he mentioned his upbringing involved super strict religious people, the type who think Harry Potter is evil. I don't know why but for some reason that gives me a bad feeling. Maybe because my own spiritual beliefs would be called evil by those people too and I don't know how much he was influenced by them.

I want to be understanding, since I have my own baggage too, but I don't know if this is a good idea. He said he is open to being just friends, so I guess I could meet and see if we could be friends.

[IndieVisible]

I don't want you to yell at me if he turns out to be a creep, but hey you have the same thing, wouldn't you want to be accepted? I think he is following the advice of his T or friend by being so forth coming, to get that out of the way and if it didn't bother you that's great. Rather then meet and both of you feel awkward. I say give him a chance who knows he may be a keeper, but don't get mad at me if he turns out to be too creepy

If he has friends and a job he barely qualifies as having social anxiety.

[FrayedEnds]

I was going to say the same thing - if he works and has friends, his social anxiety is at least not severe. also, I think he might just be getting all of his baggage out there in the open so you know ahead of time.

I would meet him if I were you. he even built in an easy-out for you by saying he's open to just being friends. at the very least, it's helpful to have a friend that understands social anxiety.

[healingme4me]

Listen to your instincts. Can always, meet him, face to face, and then decide, from there, if you want to proceed further.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

If he has friends and a job he barely qualifies as having social anxiety.

Sorry, but you are wrong. I have big time problems with social anxiety and I do have friends and a job. However, I am a good actress and I don't let on about how awful I am feeling when in a social situation like a party or work happy hour. I am a complete disaster when it comes to dating and any sort of a serious relationship. If someone can't hold down a job and they are a total shut-in avoiding the outside world because they fear judgment by other people 24/7, then that is severe social anxiety. Not just run-of-the-mill.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by Seiya

I want opinions on this. I sometimes ignore red flags before dating someone. I am ready to try dating again and am talking to someone from an online dating site. Yeah I know, not the best choice ever, but it can't hurt to try it right?

Anyway, I have agreed to meet him and I'm having second thoughts. He made it clear from the start he has social anxiety, which I understand since I have some too. At first I thought it was cool that he is so open and honest. But now, I feel uncomfortable with how much he talks about it. He has brought it up in several emails now, which makes me wonder just how severe it is. I know he has friends and has a job and stuff like that, but I don't know. Would we be good for each other or pull each other down?

I got another red flag when he mentioned his upbringing involved super strict religious people, the type who think Harry Potter is evil. I don't know why but for some reason that gives me a bad feeling. Maybe because my own spiritual beliefs would be called evil by those people too and I don't know how much he was influenced by them.

I want to be understanding, since I have my own baggage too, but I don't know if this is a good idea. He said he is open to being just friends, so I guess I could meet and see if we could be friends.

I don't think I am much help on this because my dating history is almost non-existent, but I have social anxiety and I have gone on first dates with guys who were shy like me. I have to say that it was kind of painful. Partly because I felt like I was looking at a male version of myself and projected my feelings onto him, and partly because the silences became increasingly uncomfortable as the night went on.

However, you seem like you don't have difficulties as severe as mine, so I would say to go meet him once, at least. As for his uber-strict religious upbringing, all I can say is people are complex, and you just can't know what he's like unless you meet him in person. I have a co-worker who is a hard-core born again (he doesn't even believe in celebrating Halloween because he thinks it's a celebration of the occult) but he's actually a very funny guy and nice to work with. You never know, this guy might have a sense of humor or a quirky take on it. Do you know what I mean?

[Seiya]

Okay so I'm meeting him for a coffee this weekend.

with or without you: that is exactly my fear. I don't want to project myself onto him. I haven't totally come to grips with my awkwardness.

Oh well I guess we'll see what happens.

[IndieVisible]

Originally Posted by Seiya

Okay so I'm meeting him for a coffee this weekend.

with or without you: that is exactly my fear. I don't want to project myself onto him. I haven't totally come to grips with my awkwardness.

Oh well I guess we'll see what happens.

You'll be fine! Just both of you be as honest as you can be. For example, if you don't know what to say, say this, "I'm sorry I don't know what to say" and smile. This will actually ease him and he will smile to and confess he doesn't know what to say then you can both feel more relaxed and hopefully one of will think of some thing to say. Just need to break the ice. Your both going to be afraid and that should be comforting to each of you. Please let us know how u make out!

Originally Posted by with or without you

If someone can't hold down a job and they are a total shut-in avoiding the outside world because they fear judgment by other people 24/7, then that is severe social anxiety. Not just run-of-the-mill.

That's probably closer to agoraphobia.

[FrayedEnds]

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

That's probably closer to agoraphobia.

Hi Illegal Toilet
I disaggree with that. I do not consider myself agoraphobic even though I hate leaving the house some days. It's not being outside that bothers me in the least. If there were no people out there, I'd have no issues with my anxiety at all - I'd happily run amuck outside all day anxiety free

[FrayedEnds]

Good luck Seiya! Have fun
I'd love an update afterwards as well

[atomicc]

My boyfriend and I both have forms of social anxiety and we're happy as clams! Well that analogy doesn't make sense but we're happy . We go out..just not with anyone else. We're pretty ok when we don't really have to talk to anyone but each other.

[Sharp_Lace]

I'm not saying its a bad bad thing. But my ex and I both had some problems with social anxiety. It causes problems down the road when you realize the two of you only go out with each other because you don't ever meet new people.......

[atomicc]

Originally Posted by Sharp_Lace

I'm not saying its a bad bad thing. But my ex and I both had some problems with social anxiety. It causes problems down the road when you realize the two of you only go out with each other because you don't ever meet new people.......

Unless you don't mind that, then you're fine

Originally Posted by Seiya

I want opinions on this. I sometimes ignore red flags before dating someone. I am ready to try dating again and am talking to someone from an online dating site. Yeah I know, not the best choice ever, but it can't hurt to try it right?

Anyway, I have agreed to meet him and I'm having second thoughts. He made it clear from the start he has social anxiety, which I understand since I have some too. At first I thought it was cool that he is so open and honest. But now, I feel uncomfortable with how much he talks about it. He has brought it up in several emails now, which makes me wonder just how severe it is. I know he has friends and has a job and stuff like that, but I don't know. Would we be good for each other or pull each other down?

I got another red flag when he mentioned his upbringing involved super strict religious people, the type who think Harry Potter is evil. I don't know why but for some reason that gives me a bad feeling. Maybe because my own spiritual beliefs would be called evil by those people too and I don't know how much he was influenced by them.

I want to be understanding, since I have my own baggage too, but I don't know if this is a good idea. He said he is open to being just friends, so I guess I could meet and see if we could be friends.

I'm not sure if you are most concerned about his social anxiety level or just the red flags in general.

first thing, lately for myself I think I would rather find a more introverted female, as I am an introvert and somewhat non-social. I have been with (all of my mates) only extroverted females and not one of them worked out. for me, I don't think the old addage "opposites attract" works. So in a general sense, answering your question about social anxiety, I don't think it would necessarily be bad.

The problem occurs with the fact that he seems to be overly concerned about it and only time will tell if that's a real issue, but that it makes you uncomfortable should say something, at the very least, to tread carefully in this relationship.

The issue with religion is probably a bigger one IMO. Simply because belief systems tend to guide people in everything they do and although I quote the bible on this, the principle is true that being "equally yoked" is a very good thing. That is, being from the same perspective on your beliefs. If anything is a real red flag, it's this, but that's only based on your framing of his belief system contradicting yours. It may not be an issue but again, I think you need to explore this a bit more before commiting to anything serious.

[Perna]

It sounds to me like he tries to warn people away, so he may feel more confident that those who stay/aren't scared off, are safer for him? It's a sort of pre-screening kind of like you asking us what we think? I think the religion thing is like that too; he doesn't like the extreme religion either and thinks/knows it is extreme and not what most people believe so he's warning you it is not like him (they may be extreme but he's not :-) I think the way his family believes is too extreme for him and makes him anxious because it is unusual?

[eskielover]

Wouldn't you rather know about those things than have them catch you off guard later?

I am sure that both my parents has serious social anxiety issues but that was back in the 1950's before terms like that even existed.....& I have to admit....it made life very difficult for me growing up.....had to learn how to handle & deal with things basically on my own rather than being able to learn from my parents.....& I was embarrassed about having my parents around me.....never wanted anyone to know that I belonged to them when we were out in public.....while in reality....they weren't as bad as I felt they were. I don't think it was a challenge for them as they fit together well....but put a child in the mix....& that's a whole different story.....but just meeting someone & enjoying their company as a friend to start with is the best place to start any relationship anyway....if you can't be friends why bother being anything else IMO.

[Nerak67]

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

If he has friends and a job he barely qualifies as having social anxiety.

That is not true at all. I have severe social anxiety and have a job. You don't have to be a total agoraphobe to have social anxiety.

[Seiya]

Originally Posted by FrayedEnds

Good luck Seiya! Have fun
I'd love an update afterwards as well

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I'm not sure if you are most concerned about his social anxiety level or just the red flags in general.

first thing, lately for myself I think I would rather find a more introverted female, as I am an introvert and somewhat non-social. I have been with (all of my mates) only extroverted females and not one of them worked out. for me, I don't think the old addage "opposites attract" works. So in a general sense, answering your question about social anxiety, I don't think it would necessarily be bad.

The problem occurs with the fact that he seems to be overly concerned about it and only time will tell if that's a real issue, but that it makes you uncomfortable should say something, at the very least, to tread carefully in this relationship.

The issue with religion is probably a bigger one IMO. Simply because belief systems tend to guide people in everything they do and although I quote the bible on this, the principle is true that being "equally yoked" is a very good thing. That is, being from the same perspective on your beliefs. If anything is a real red flag, it's this, but that's only based on your framing of his belief system contradicting yours. It may not be an issue but again, I think you need to explore this a bit more before commiting to anything serious.

Okay so I met him today. He seems like a very nice person. As for the religious thing, he has moved far away from his religious upbringing.

There were a few things that threw me off a little. I went home feeling uncertain, but okay enough, until he started texting me. His texts were analytical. He told me what he thought about me and started analyzing himself and his reaction to me. I felt like we were having some weird therapist/client discussion which bothered me, so I put an end to the conversation telling him I felt uncomfortable with it.

I don't know if we'll keep talking or not. I wouldn't mind staying friends but I don't see us being together as a couple.

[eskielover]

Go with your gut feeling.....when I don't trust my gut feeling I usually regret it.

[with or without you]

I'm glad it wasn't horrible for you (at least). Good job