finding out i'm not my bf's preference, feeling threatened by other women.

This happened with my ex. I am short, blonde, and curvy (fairly busty and a size 12); he preferred thin women with dark hair and about the only thing that was similar was that they were all chesty. He told me I wasn't his type and I became obsessive about his whereabouts and all the women in his life.

I am the heaviest girl my current boyfriend has dated and because of that, I find every woman an extreme threat. It's so tiring being so hypervigilant that I constantly await him leaving me for someone better. You are not alone in feeling this way.

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He, actually told you, he 'hates' crooked lower teeth, knowing that's what you have? Did he tell you, he finds your tan, 'gross'??

Snooping through his fb, isn't trust building.

So what, if his other gfs look different than you?

You mentioned, starting to let yourself go, gaining weight can happen, to the best of us, but stopping with your personal routine is symptomatic, of something else. Are you being treated for depression? Or other health issues?

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Does he compliment you on your looks? Maybe your doubts are justified. Every guy has a type of look that he prefers in a woman even though he may settle for another if he's lonely and not good at going for what he wants. Of course, the type of look he goes for may change in some regard if the right woman comes along. If he openly insults your looks and doesn't compliment you, then maybe you should let go of this one though.

I am not the original poster but this totally freaks me out. My BPD brain automatically thinks that my boyfriend will leave for someone thinner.

Ps, I've always wondered what helps shapes a man's preference in regard to women, any insight?

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The operative word combination here is "in my opinion". In other words, he did not express any verbal preference for them as far as you know.

If he REALLY likes women with short hair, and by "really" I mean that he has said it to you and has cut his finger to produce blood and written, with his bloody finger, "I prefer women with short hair", then, if you are not altogether opposed to the idea, go get a haircut.

Crooked teeth can be repaired, but it would cost a lot of money. If you can afford it, then I would ask a decent girlfriend (not him, but a girlfriend who is hopefully neutral and trustworthy), if you have one, to give you an honest opinion on whether you need dental work, and proceed from there.

A big booty is not something you can get without implants, and with implants you would look ridiculous, so it is best to accept your small booty and think of it as an asset rather than liability. Find panties that best present your posterior and then rest on your laurels.

There are some things here that you can change.

1) See a dermatologist or a GP to get a prescription tretinoine cream, and get an OTC anti-acne wash with 10% benzoyl peroxide - you can use it in the shower. Wash your face no more than once daily and use prescription tretinoine nightly. Never wash your face more often than that. This needs to be done yesterday - go to CVS or a similar drugstore to start treating your skin right away, because it would produce a bit of an improvement while you wait for an appointment. Do not delay, because delaying this and dealing with breakouts later when they become a sheer catastrophe might very well mean that you would need topical antibiotics and even oral anti-acne medications whose side effect is increased suicidality. So do not delay - get the wash and call to make appointment as soon as they can see you.

2) Eat normally - do not panic that you have gained weight and do not diet, because it would in the long run only exacerbate your weight gain. Eat normally and do some cardio exercise, which you need to beat depression anyway.

3) Get some products for dry and damaged hair - maybe some leave-in conditioners or masks.

4) Get treatment for depression! Healing-me and Trippin have already said that, but it is the most obvious thing that you yourself are blind to. You wrote that you are afraid that he would find somebody prettier or happier than you. Well, there are things to do to be prettier - say, a new haircut and no more acne should help - but there are even more things to do to be happier! You need to start spending time outdoors, being socially with people other than your bf, spending time in the sun depending on climate, exercising (not to lose weight but to obtain health benefits of exercise including a reduction in the symptoms of anxiety and depression), etc. Who said that going over his old FB messages would help alleviate your anxiety? Who said that?

Most importantly, accept that there are never any guarantees. If he leaves you for another woman, you will THEN feel hurt, disappointed, heartbroken, in despair, etc. - then, not now. Now you are wasting precious energy trying to prepare yourself for such an event and rehearse your reactions. All of that is not needed and even harmful. Or is it that you simply cannot help thinking about anything else?

This reminds me, of some cheesy 80's movie, that involved padding in the posterior of pants. Some women(and men, don't want to leave out our kinkier brothers ) wear padded bras. Why not a little padding??

Then again, there is the booty tooch, but don't hooch, maneuver.

Not making light, of the fact you are unhappy, with a smaller derriere, but there are other means, than plastic surgery, just to point out, to ham bam

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Oh, right, back then, sure, I remember. My first MIL who sewed as a hobby would always push on me those tops with padded shoulders - somehow she thought that I needed broader shoulders. I hated them . I do not even know the English name for these padded things that she would attach, by sewing, to the underside of tops.

Glad, we can embrace our g-d given feminine shoulders now I, too, remember those days.

It's nice, to be able to embrace unique beauty nowadays.

I am a tall woman. Where would logic be, to say, any of the men I've been romantically involved with, clearly like shorter women? Would, that make, all women, under six feet, a threat?

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You can, in fact, still buy padded under-roos for a fuller, rounder tush.

That's where, I see, he went wrong, by you. Telling you, you weren't his type.

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Everyone is different. Relationships need to be, about you. All of you. Your body, is, just part of the equation. Needing to be mindful of that

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He was a sadist. Of that I am certain.

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Probably a man's values in general reflect in his preferences for physique. If he thinks that short people have no reason to live and wants his future sons to be on the basketball team, he'll value height. If he's prejudice against nerds, he'll prefer women with 20/20 eyesight or who wear contacts. If he values nature, he'll be attracted to women with natural hair color. As far as the size of her assets, my Freudian guess is it may be influenced by his mother's size.

Love comes in many shapes and sizes. The one girl I have ever loved was not what I would call my "type" by any means. At least not at the time. She also thought she was ugly, never wore make-up, etc etc etc... She may not have been my type, but she sure turned into it. I find her the most beautiful girl in the world whether she or anyone else thought so or not. She was the one always saying she didn't deserve me, etc etc etc... Much like you are saying here.

Guess who broke who's heart? SHE left ME.

It doesn't matter who he has dated in the past. Love has no "preference". It's hard to trust people, but you have got to try if you really love this person.

This made me happy.

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I must argue that this is rather a simplistic view of men. I have no real preference. I like attractive women and sure there is some sort of criteria but its vague.

"if he thinks short people have no reason to live" ... well if he thinks that he is a pompous *** and discriminatory.

"... and wants his future sons to be on the basketball team..." Again really? A father that wants his kids to be "this or that" is just an idiot. I personally live to see how my children grow up and into their own identities not one of my own making. I had no criteria on what I wanted them to be -- short tall, muscular, or anything so ... it really has no effect on who I would choose for a mate. These are shallow men you speak of.

"...If he's prejudice against nerds, he'll prefer women with 20/20 eyesight or who wear contacts" Wow... way to be presumptuous. If he's prejudice against anything, why would a woman even want to date him?

"As far as the size of her assets, my Freudian guess is it may be influenced by his mother's size." interesting you should say this. Kind of almost made soda come out my nose... tbh. My mother is Japanese, 4'2" tall. 1. I do not typically find many asian women attractive at all. I look at fair skinned, caucasions and european women. all of my gfs over the years have been of various "dimensions" and a majority of them were at least 6 inches taller than me. Some of them have been thin, others not so much.

Please. The truth is, we are individuals and what a man prefers varies widely. Even up to someone like me that likes women and their personalities moreso than their physical appearances. This is not to say I don't like women I'm visually attracted to, but the truth is, if you're a wonderful woman and very sweet to me, intelligent, humorous, etc... I'll probably fall in love with you just the same.

:::steps off soapbox:::

Jealousy is UGLY! This has been something I put a lot of effort in not being. To me it is controlling and it just leads to hate and resentment. I just think that if he is gonna cheat he will do it weather or not you catch him. Also, controlling behavor like this will drive him to seek someone who trusts him. Be that person who can trust him! :-) Otherwise, be prepared to lose him...

If this behavior is a "reaction" to a less than honest ex just remember he is not your ex! He is waay better! ;-) Good Luck my dear!

But that would work when you are clothed - I can see how it would work when you are dressing for a party. OP is discussing her bf, so she would need to disrobe in front of him sooner or later, hence padding is sort of... insufficient.

good point, well taken then booty tooching, may be the only solution, well, visually speaking, certain styles of lingerie can perhaps, help, not sure, but worth a try, imo.

Angel,

Your main problem is in how you use words. This is fixable. Even with BPD, this is fixable.

Example - you say that you are the heaviest girl your current bf has dated. This may technically be true, but a better way to say it out loud and to conceptualize it in your mind is via "I am the curviest and most feminine girl my bf has ever laid his hands on".

Problem solved? It is all within your power.

Plus, curviness - not any kind of curviness, but, to be exact, a low waist-to-hip ratio, is a preferred female form, evolution-wise. A low waist-to-hip ratio is a parameter of health; children of women who have a low waist-to-hip ratio are smarter, other things being equal; the outcomes of teen pregnancies are better if teen moms have a low waist-to-hip ratio. So from the standpoint of evolution, your shape is a winner, and all the negative self-talk that is going on in your mind is purely your disease (BPD) speaking.

There is nothing in reality to feed what you perceive as a constant threat - it is all BPD distorting your your thoughts.

***

OP - let me attempt to tell your future by using a cognitive-behavioral approach.

So right now you think that your skin is too tan for your boyfriend to like it. You go behind his back to spy on his records, all completely unprovoked and unjustified.

You are unhappy and not fun to be with.

Eventually he would leave you because he'd be exhausted by your untreated depression, annoyed by your sneaky ways that violate his privacy, etc. Nothing to do with your shape or complexion, and everything to do with the fact that you are not fun to be with.

In your mind, you will form a cognitive distortion in that you will attribute the fact of his leaving you to your shape and complexion, and not to the sad truth that you are not fun to be with.

Eventually you will find another boyfriend, and let us say for the sake of a hypothetical that his former girlfriend would be a black gal.

Your mind, using that same mechanism of producing cognitive distortions, will decide that now you are not tan ENOUGH. You will decide that men either like girls who are really pale, or, who are altogether black, but your particular complexion, which is tan but not fully black, is the only kind of complexion men do NOT like. So you will be unhappy once again and will once again annoy your new bf by browsing through his digital records without his invitation or permission, and he will leave you, eventually, tired from living with a woman who is not fun to be with.

A third boyfriend's ex girlfriend would have a completely flat behind. Your mind will conclude that girls with round derrieres are attractive and girls with flat behinds are attractive, and only your particular booty, which is small but not completely flat, is unattractive.

You will go on and on, not seeing that men leave you for that simple reason that you are not fun to be with, and instead concluding that you are hopelessly plain in terms of looks.

See where it is going unless and until you do something about cognitive distortions your mind is so eager to produce? Act now!

They asked for my thoughts on why men may favor certain types, and I gave a few reasons that may be true for some. I didn't intend for it be an all-encompassing explanation for male preferences although you've misinterpreted it as such, so you could climb on your soapbox.

I do have a preference for a certain physical type, and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. Everyone who's straight has a preference that excludes 50% of people anyways, so maybe you aren't totally omnisexual.

I don't "misinterpret" in order to climb onto any soap box of any kind. No one said anyone should feel guilty about it but some of the statements you made framed the man in question as rather superficial. What I stated is my viewpoint and perspective on your points. It's an open forum where people state their views. You're entitled to yours, so be respectful and let me have mine.

as for the statement about omnisexuality I have no idea even wtf that has to do with me at all so what?

I very much agree. I only wear Victoria Secret's cheeksters because I am pretty full, round, and lovely on the bottom (which is what is displayed in cheeksters) but not so full on top (which is what is covered away from view in cheeksters). Thongs I hate the feel of, plus, they display the top part which is not full. Bikini and everything low cut is even worse, because it conceals the best part. It took me awhile to figure it out, but now I know exactly what I want and the whole trip to VS takes 10 minutes from me - in and out. I must say that it is not so much for the man in my life - I just like seeing fleshy parts on my booty in the mirror . the right panty, in my opinion, can lift the spirits in the morning.

I would call the views expressed extremely narrow. I am not so sure about superficial, but narrow they were.

I take "omnisexuality" (this is the first time I am seeing this word) as an extension of bisexuality, or maybe a restatement of bisexuality. Bisexual means women and men, and omnisexual probably means women, men, people who do not identify with either gender, and space aliens. Basically, no discrimination based on any kind of a parameter. everybody is welcome and nobody is denied. That is my take on it and I have not run a search on this word.

ETA - s4ndm4n2006m, I see that you called it simplistic, and I agree with it. I did not see the earlier message when I posted.