[River11]

Can anyone help give me a helpful perspective or something?? I'm going to be facing him soon and I want to appreciate his attempt to be constructive but I'm so angry cos of being stung where I need to be soothed.

I know he loves me and I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but he did in a very intimate way and vulnerable place and it still hurts ... At least this time he wanted and tried to make it better, but that was done so mechanically it did more harm than good ...

He's said sorry for mucking things up and f###ing up my night (physically too wound up and emotionally too stinging to sleep), but I need healing. I need to hear and feel from him that ...well, the opposite of how it felt last night. (I know he feels those things most of the time)

When he saw this later morning that his "sorry" and little hand-rubbing hadn't 'made me feel better' he said we could talk at lunch time. But it's not talk I need any more! I've explained! And how can it work if I say, "well, do such and such and say this and that" ... ?? I feel like having said I need healing where I was hurt should be enough to motivate the helpful response.

Does any of this make sense to anyone?? Please?? Or do I just sound crazy/unreasonable ...? We've only just restored our lovingness and playfulness into our rel'ship again, and I don't want it to be lost but I also can't gloss my inner self over ...

I'm grateful for any kind of feedback, and appreciate that I can blurt this out here!

[healingme4me]

Depends on what the sorry is for, and how desensitized you have become to the use of that word, in your relationship. But, I do, feel that I can relate to what you mean, about wanting to feel the sorry, not hear it.

[River11]

Thank you, that is helpful.
And it's not so much the sorryness I'm needing, but the deliberate healing/soothing of the hurt done and trust broken. You know? 'Help me to FEEL your love again; to feel that your touch is safe ...'

[Ash89]

I understand completely. I've been making progress with 'if it is you who hurt me, you are the one who should be trying to make it better.' Still not where it should be but making progress. My fiance is emotionally stunted in certain areas due to some family pain in his childhood.

Does he have any issues? Like, not a close relationship with his parents or feeling like he had to hide his feelings or anything? If he's like my fiance, he's so unsure of how to even make that emotional connection because he's never experienced it before.

[boopei]

Originally Posted by River11

Thank you, that is helpful.
And it's not so much the sorryness I'm needing, but the deliberate healing/soothing of the hurt done and trust broken. You know? 'Help me to FEEL your love again; to feel that your touch is safe ...'

I'm in the exact same place as this. Only he didn't cheat on me, in my case it was financial betrayal of sorts, all done with the intent to help and protect me. But with the lack of communication all it did is hurt me, badly.

[River11]

I've been making progress with 'if it is you who hurt me, you are the one who should be trying to make it better.' Still not where it should be but making progress.

Thank you, Ash89! Well put. Glad you're getting progress. My husband does not seem to get it no matter how I try to explain and it seems perfectly clear - self-explanatory really! So then I'm hurt even more that he seems to just expect me to get over it and go back to 'normal' without any healing effort from him, and then judges me for how I hurt and try to deal with his neglect. ....???!!!!???

[River11]

And as for his issues re emotional connections etc ... not glaringly, but there does seem to be some kind of emotional cut-off. Mostly, actually, when I'm hurt by him. Right when it's most crucial that he apply compassion and tenderness and restorative care. Instead his neglect makes the whole last so much longer, even as I'm calmly explaining my hurt and how I need help to heal and want to be restored to closeness, then he complains that I'm dragging it all out!

How do you cope, emotionally, day by day, with your fiance being "emotionally stunted"? Do you then feel alone/neglected/alienated sometimes in what is meant to be a close, mutually supporting relationship?

[blur]

tell him what you want him to do. if he can't or won't do it then it's best to realize that now and reconsider whether or not you should marry him. the thing is, i'm not sure that the people in life who hurt us are realistically the ones who can also bring healing & comfort. if they could, and had that sort of empathy, they probably wouldn't have hurt you in the first place. you may need to find healing from talking to friends or a counselor, etc. if he's truly sorry and works to not cause whatever the initial problem was again then that may be all you can realistically expect. and, it's actually quite a lot if he can stop doing it whatever caused the problem.