WOMEN'S INHUMANITY TO WOMEN

I was reading about this book today in the US World Report. It says so many things I have found to be true in relationships with women and mother and daughter etc and struggling with my whole life.
One thing it says my husband has tried to say so often. It says that Women are backhanded because they haven't been taught its OK to be angry.
Men can be angry but when a women is she needs Therapy.
It quotes another women who says that girls learn to curb and recast them selves to please others. She has to not be herself if she wants other people to value her and include her.
One teen says if I were to say what I was feeling and thinking no one would want to be with me.
My voice would be too loud.
I have struggled many years with being my self I am neither a Queen Bee or a Banker as the article points out women become. Both use people.
Often people think my natural voice is loud. My husband is always saying what as if I whisper.
Just recently I stood in the front of a line at a desk.
Always the same person working behind desk. A man.
I have stood in same line before and always feel like I am often treated lower than others in the same line and I have shrugged it off .
The last time I stood in line I was the first one and waited to be waited on or served and two men were behind me. I did not get a change to say a thing I was treated like I was not there the men were first served .
I spoke up and said hey I was here first and the man said to me that he does not like to wait on people who shout at him.
I was not shouting and did not say a thing up till then.
I now find out by a friend this man has mental illness,anxiety disorder and is being treated for it by medication.We live in a rural small town type place every one knows every ones business.
So I now feel I will just have to endure his treatment to me when I need his service. So not to give him any more anxiety.
I am a natural Yankee women!
Not always quiet like this mans wife, she is always very thin , always dressed in heels and a cute little dress, forever blond and a face of made up she is
Flawless......
I like her.
She is beautiful but quiet does not speak much and instead of eating lunch she buys pretty dress's on her lunch hour .
I see her out shopping.
I have never seen her in slacks. She dress's for work and play.
She is a true southern women every thing matches to a tee.
I never knew there were so many shades of pink and they had to match perfectly.
She rarely ever smiles, I have never heard her laugh, she often has a headache.
I do not think she is very happy but she sure is pretty.
I quess he likes her kind. I am too messy for a women.
My husband says he thinks maybe he wants to get me up set and likes it when I do because I show some real emointion.
The other night.
I was telling my husband a few things I was up set about . Things I would like done or changed really letting my feelings loose and he said it was Ok to air my feelings about these things and he must of found it a turn on because we found ourselves in each others arms laughing our heads off in bed having a wonderful time.
Of course later I felt bad for the things I said and told him I was sorry. But at least he knows how I feel.
Morning8glory Not Southern bred.

I have felt the inequality placed on women for since I was in highschool and felt like I had to shave my legs. I wasn't worried about the guys because I always wore jeans. It was the girls in P.E. that I was worried about. Women can be so mean to other women and what for? Why is it neccesary to knock our sisters down? Don't we have enough to work against without adding to it? I think that women would have had equal rights a lot sooner if it wasn't for the other women in their lives.

On the bright side things are changing. Women are finding their power. My daughter fully believes that she can be and deserves to be what ever it is she wants to be. She will be able to create her life from the dreams in her head because our generation is asking Why? And our mothers generation demanded to know Why and the answers given were not good enough.
Zen<font color=green>

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The path is narrow to the right madness. Be wary of trembling in the wrong places! The demons often disguise themselves as gods. And vice versa.--Sam Keen

There definitely is discrimination against women, but it is up to us to change this. I am in a very male-oriented profession and I am younger than most of the people I deal with (and actually look even younger than I am). However, I almost always get the respect I deserve. I am an attorney, however, I refuse to fit into any model of what I should look or act like. I am small and thin and sometimes where suits, but sometimes where fun, funky clothes. My clients and other attorneys respect me for the work I do and because I will not tolerate it if I am not getting their respect. Inside I have many self doubts, but I never let this come across. As a woman, I also have compassion, which is a definite advantage. I used to make less money than a comparable male in my profession, but I have changed that as well. I have to agree with Zen that things are changing and it is up to us to make sure we have power and equality. Don't let others ideas as to what you should be get you down. I imagine living in the south would be very difficult as they may be stuck in some of the old traditions which would make everything much harder. Be proud of who you are. So what if you are sloppy. At least you don't have headaches every day and you are able to smile!

I was teased for not having a bra in the 7th grade.

My mom would not buy me one and she bought me tee shirts for school that year and I was needing a bra.

She teased me when My father gave me money to buy my first bra's that I bought too big to wear.

I will never forget having my shirt pulled up by younger girls to reveil my tee-shirt.
I missed school often on gym days. I would not take off my clothes to shower on days I went to school.

The teacher over those years and class tell me my belly was getting big. I weighted less than 95 pounds often in my late teens no belly.
Women can be mean.
Morning8Glory

Sounds like you have a very supportive husband there! He likes your emotions. I would take advantage of that and just try my best to be myself. You are a worthwhile good person!
I think many of us have mothers (and other relatives and friends) that send us to crawling the walls at times.

I try to be myself and I've gotten a lot of slack for it over the years. I've been shunned and ostracized for it by those who are extremely old fashioned and think a woman "has her place." You know what I mean, barefoot and pregnant, in front of the stove, a little giggle now and then and smile all the time! Oh yes, don't forget we must weigh the perfect weight and look just right. We must be perfect and act "better" than men is what I have heard. But I have found that not to be realistic and there are some standards that I think are plain goofy or unreasonable.

I rarely wear makeup, I am not the "right" weight, I wear mostly comfortable clothes and am not always in style. Sometimes I have hairs that stick out here and there, God forbid.

Who's standards are those that I was following much of my life? I was socialized and raised to be all of "the perfect societies" expectations. But society is vast (and very imperfect) and now I don't have to be part of that perfect portrayal. Thank God! I have allowed myself to be me. Yes, it's been painful at times. But "no pain, no gain!" I would not want to be anyone else but who I am at this point in time. I am not totally content with my life because of some problems but I am okay with who I am today. I don't want friends who expect me to be someone else because they won't like me for me. I want those friends who like me for just being me.

If you saw me you would immediately know I am not what I was "supposed to be" by society's standards of when I grew up. I am in my mid forties now and there was a point when I felt like I was not being myself and it was in my twenties. After I got into personal growth because of the pain of not being me, I searced for me here and there. I felt lost and could not find me! Up until then I was what everyone else wanted me to be. Talk about a huge identity crisis.

Then came the anger and frustration with it all. I set out to find me and not to be what anyone "wanted" me to be. Oh boy, did I catch hell! Others got to know what I thought of their expectations, too. I guess I could have sang that Helen Reddy song, "I am Woman Hear Me Roar!" Yes, I came out of the kitchen yet now I like to cook still because I like it truly! I also appreciate men who cook, too.

I do know a lot more about who I am now and I took time to see what fit with me and what did not.

I know some women who only talk to me when their man is not around. Well, I don't feel close to them because of that. I am still searching for "real" people to be in my life. I have found some and appreciate them.

There is an old saying and it goes something like Try to Please Everyone and Someone Won't Be Happy-So Try to Please Yourself and At Least You Will Be Happy.

Yes, everyone has the ability to act meanly--women, men and kids. I've had all of them act meanly toward me at times. I find myself forgiving them now even though it's taken a long time to forgive some things. Not that I have forgiven or even remembered every transgression against me.

Lately, I find that I am just looking for down to earth genuine people to share with and I am looking for a man like that to share my life with, too. Yet, if I also make new female friends I will not use them just when my companion is not available.

I had friends in high school that were good friends and then stole my boyfriends away and never spoke to me again! I've been hurt by many women and by many men. All humans do stupid things at times, I guess.

Sometimes it can be lonely for a woman just trying to be herself but then someone will come along and appreciate her just as she is. I have met a few people recently who think I'm just fine just as I am and is it nice!!

Well, there's my rant for what it's worth. Take care. CQ

<font color=purple>"Experience teaches slowly and at the cost of mistakes." James A. Froude</font color=purple>

<font color=blue>"We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey." Stephen Covey </font color=blue>

<font color=orange>"Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine." Lord Byron</font color=orange>

cq, isn't it amazing how no matter how hard we try, we can't be anything other than who we are? I've always been outside the realm of what most people expect from a girl/woman. But I have found it is quite a litmus test...people who can't accept me for who I am aren't really worth knowing.

Funny thing is, in some ways I am so unfeminine...I am a scientist, in a field that is very male-oriented...I am a huge sports fan...and I've always been more comfortable hanging out with men than women. But then, I do so many "traditionally female" things that most women my age don't do...I love to cook and bake, at Christmas, I bake ~50 dozen cookies and everyone I know gets some...I crochet and do needlepoint...I have so many flowers in my garden that the nrighbors know me as the Flower Lady...I have even started canning and preserving vegetables from my garden. I suppose we each of us come in our own unique package, eh? : )

You know, I experienced my fair share of meanness when I was younger...I was many kids' favorite target as a child...too brainy, not pretty, too socially unaware. But I have found that as I have grown older, and have learned how to happily just be myself, people are more accepting. Almost like even other people can't imagine me being like a "normal" woman.

Every now and then, I wonder why I can't just be "normal"...but then I realize, normal is boring...I'd rather be me, problems and all. : )

mj

Yes I do have a great husband.
He helped me finish highschool that I so dreaded because I did not fit in.

He told me I had to finish school before I could marry and so I did in June of 1977 after 14 dreadfull years of school.

Now he wished I would of went on to college a dear teacher offered me the chance to go and I turned it down.

I love my husband so much.

We can now talk about almost any thing. I have not told him I am on this group and it still scares me a bit to be on it.

Afraid of hidden wolfs and storys you hear about people who lerk in some of these groups.

When I was in my late teens I had an idea of how I was suppose to act around men. I watched my many Aunts how they ajusted their bra straps when they went to the ladys room to pull them selves up to Iook inviting.

I would cram in sport infomation to share conversation with men when I hated sports.

I watched Gone With The Wind often and became good at flattery and flirting.

I had 4 dates for my senoir prom and did except a one because of lack of money for the clothes to wear.
I would say to boys that I would never consider even dating that I was flattered but I was engaged to John.

I grew very fond of men in my life my uncles loved me. My dad was proud to be seen with me.

Boys liked me alot. I was very cute and pretty and petite and
happy.
I knew a smile could go a long way.

After I was married one night we got home from being out and I was not smiling and my husband said to me how come you smiled at every one and we come home and you are not smiling any more at me.

I really thought about that for a long time and changed.

When I married I felt it my dutie to pay attention only to my husband and not even talk to boys who liked me before because I was afraid to make my new young husband jealous.

Last fall I seen the one boy after 24 years and we gave each other big bear hugs infront of my husband and it was OK but when I seen him shortly after I married I didn't hardly talk to him.

I quit flirting all together.

Now as I become my own person. I am finding I like to talk to men more often than women.

I do not have the body and looks I had as a young married women. So I do not feel as threatened by my own self.

But I still have some thing that is attactive I still get hit on.

I find that I like some of my girl friends husbands better than my girl friends and I am in a very good marriage not looking for any thing but conversation of a clean manner .

Afew laughes.

I was explaining this too my husband lately how one good friend does not allow her husband to even talk with me very often on the phone.
My husband knows this guy and I have a sister\brother type relationship going on and its Ok with him but he was shocked to find out that his wife takes the phone and rarely allows me to talk with him any more.

My male friend told me recently when I called and talked with his wife that he wondered why I have not called for awhile and I said I have been talking with your wife and he said she did not tell me.
And he told me he asked her to call me recently and she drew up her nose at his suggestion.
This women is tiny and blond.
She has three young sons to him one a tottler and she worked hard to get her figure back.
She always wears her make up and he is in love with her.

I could never and would never want to fill her place.

I talked to him recently my husband incouraged me to call him and of course I only had a breif conversation with him before his wife took the phone but he told me he enjoyed talking to him. That I made his day.
I know what I have it is a sense of humor that he likes and many people like.

I got in big trouble with my brother in-law when we last seen his kids .
Little boys have often taken a shine to me and his child was 8 years old and he said very loudly you are prettier than my mom and it made my brother in-law angry at his child for saying it infront of his mom.

I am funny to be around I laugh at my own self.

I found a young man I like to talk to he is my baby brothers age and reminds me of my baby brother 11 years younger than I.

My brother was like my baby and he married a women who looks very much like me but larger boned.

The thing is this guy has had bad times with women and his wife he's been in Desert Storm like my brother has and he is so down to earth.
Low paying job first met him in the Video store were he was working 11 years ago and now in a book store. I seen in out shopping in grocery store.
I like to talk to him he is respectfull of me and does not flirt and we talk about books and just easy stuff.

He never comes on to me.
He keeps him self in check.
Recently we were talking about how women can treat others and he told me he has seen many nasty women treat others cruely and has seen how women recreate them selves to please others
.
He told me he works with a women who talks at a normal pitch and when she answers the phone her voice becomes sweet and soft and he has asked her why she does that and she does not realize she does it.

He told me about women in the East when he was in the war how they wore shrouds and went bare foot.
He laughed when I told him some days I wish I had that choice to wear a shroud and go bare foot.

My husband knows this kid but the thing is I feel ashamed to have a man friend besides my husband or a friend of his or family .
I feel ashamed to enjoy running into and talking to.

I could never have lunch with him as I would a girl friend.
Or call him on the phone or invite in over for a meal with my husband and I .
If I were seen with him by people I knew , neighbors and other women they would gossip and try to make some thing out of it.

I checked my own emointions over this freindship and it is very simple he is just a nice kid who reminds me of family and he respects me.

Once I had a male friend of Johns go tell my husband that he see's my car is at the exercise gym for men and women.
My husband bought me the membership to the gym.

So there are still rules to follow in small towns for married women and if I want to be excepted they have to be followed.

Got stuff to do. Morning8glory

wow, That was some reading. I felt impowered and I felt in touch with you all. So much desire to be who you are and so much angst as well. You all are truely wonderful women.

As I was reading though, I had an insight into my own self. The person in my life who is the cruelest to me is me. I am the one who imposes all the retrictions to my behavior. I am the one who looks in the mirror and thinks if only I was 20 pounds lighter. I am the one who physically harms me. I am the one who puts up with other people's bull with a smile on my face. Why is this? I will have to think about this awhile.
Zen<font color=green>

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Fall down seven times, get up eight--Buddhist Qoute