[SunshineGold03]

Hello Again All!
Could use some advice from you all. Recently my husband and my father had their birthdays within the same weekend. My dad's birthday is the day after my husbands and it was a big one his 50th! Anyway, I had been planning my husbands birthday bash while my sister and my dads wife planned my dad's birthday. Well anyway long store short I got the day of my dad's big 50th birthday bash wrong and did not go thinking it was on the following day. Well needless to say everyone in my family was floored with me. My mom screamed at me the next day for not going which is only when I realized my mistake. I explained to my mom that I had made a huge mistake in the days so she calmed down and understood how incredibly sorry I felt about the whole thing. After talking to my mom I tried to contact my dad and when he answered his telephone and heard my voice he hung up on me immediately and my sister wouldn't take my calls either nobody but my mother listen to what I had to say. My dad refuses to take my phone calls, deletes my phone messages, and will not let my sister or my mother bring my name up. I am so sad about all of this. It is breaking my heart and making me angry. My father assumed the worst of me like I would purposely miss his party. I feel so bad but he wouldn't even talk to me so I can try and make it up to him. I gave up calling him for now and mailed him his birthday gift and card. I am not sure if he will just mail it back to me. Any advice out there?

Jennifer

[dexter]

When we are depressed it makes us see the most negative aspects of life and think the worst of people. we isolate ourselves and when the people we know and love don't immediately read our minds and jump to attention we get upset and think that they don't love us anymore.

SunshineGold you have described a situation where the shoe is now on the other foot. People made mistakes. You made a mistake. It was actually a small mistake with large consequences. But if the people who you love are so quick to jump and assume that you did it with any sort of purpose, then that is their problem, not yours.

I don't know your families situation but I think since your mother understands she will be able to talk to the others and explain to them. I hope this will blow over in time. This must be very upsetting for you but try to give it time for everyone to cool down. Honestly I think it was probably rude for your mother to call you yelling, someone should have made the first call and asked politely what had happened. But at least she listened and understood. Hold on to that and hopefully everyone else will come to understand as well.

Separate the "fault" of your mistake from the anger your family is expressing. The mistake may have been yours but for them to act so incredibly beligerently, even ignoring your calls and "cutting you off" over one event that they have no explanation for, only their own "assumptions", that anger belongs to them and is not your fault.

Goo dluck and hope this is only temporary.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[SunshineGold03]

Thanks for your advice! I hope this is temporary as well. I love my dad alot and we use to be so close. I don't know whats happened. Anyway, I am going to wait a little bit to see if he comes around. Thanks again everyone for your advice.
Jenn

Jennifer

[Audrey]

I'm sorry to hear about that. Maybe you should write him a letter explaining everything and say that you still want to make it special to him, so you would like to get together with him on another day. If you two were close though, then i'm sure your dad will remember the good times to eventually and will come around. (I hope)

[SunshineGold03]

Well here is the latest on this situation with my dad I backed off calling him for a week and decided to send him a Birthday card and gift via internet since he refused to talk to me. In card I sent to him I included a poem about fathers and daughters and the wrote that I was sorry I hurt him. Well it was two days ago he received those items no response from him. So today I went over his house to talk. Well when I went over he spent 10 mins. berating and telling me how selfish I am and he does not believe that I mixed up the days for his party. He accused me of purposely not going to his party because "that is the kind of thoughtless person I am". It when on like that for a little while and I said nothing than finally I couldn't take anymore I said "would you let me explain. To which he more or less said that there was nothing really to explain because he knows what kind of thoughtless self centered person I am. He said he was tired of my excuses and that he disowns me. Then we really start to argue and he said you know "[censored] you" to me which he has never in my 29 years has uttered to me and he told me to get the "[censored] out of his house". And that was how it was left. I am so at loss as what to do now.

Jennifer

[dexter]

sunshine once again this is your dad's mess, something he has imagined about the world he is in, that you "don't care" and mixed the dates "on purpose". if he refused to cool down there is nothing that you can do. staying away from him for a while may be painful for you, but will be less painful than going back for more abuse. that will have to be your call as you know the situation and how you feel about it.

he called you "thoughtless" but to me thoughtless is not giving you the benefit of doubt, not even considering the possiblilty that this was simply a mistake and not some evil plot on your part, and not accepting your explanation and apology. he has made up his mind about your motives and your character and refuses to give it another thought to consider he might be wrong or taking it out of proportion. you are the one who has considered his feelings, apologized, and taken steps to try to fix things. from the point of view of this episode, that makes you the thoughtful one, and him, not so much.

it certainly sounds like there is something else going on with him though, something personal either with you or even something that has nothing to do with you, and this incident was just an excuse to release a lot of pent up feelings. you may want to consider if that is a possibility when you try to decide what to do from here on.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[SunshineGold03]

Dexter,
Thank you for your post and I couldn't agree with you more. Thanks for your kind advice.

Jennifer

[SunshineGold03]

In conjunction with the above family situation I found out that my husband and I can't have children naturally so this has been an extremely difficult week. I am trying so hard not to inflict any self injurious injuries but it is very hard right now.

Jennifer

[rubyred]

Sounds like a lot of High Drama going on in this family. No wonder you are anxious. What would that party have been like if you did go?

People screaming at each other, and not listening to each other, and hanging up and feeling hurt...that's a lot to deal with. You made a mistake, and your Dad seems to think you did it on purpose. Why would he think that about you?

If I were you, I'd concentrate on my life with my husband, and let some time pass without communicating with your family. You have a right to be human and make mistakes without the whole world coming down on you. Sounds like you have enough to deal with already with your medication problems and your OCD problems.

Right now, I think you should take care of yourself, and limit your worries to your own home.

Choices, it's all about choices.

[SunshineGold03]

Thank you ALL for you kind advice. I think I will take your advice and concentrate on my own household right now with my husband and myself. Thank you all for being the kind and wonderful people you all are!
Jennifer

Jennifer