Feeling Stuck

Hi all -

My first post on this forum. Thanks for taking the time to read. I am not sure if an anxiety forum is the appropriate place but could sure use a listening ear and some advise.

I am 31 and all my life have been reclusive - but not a true reclusive. By that, I mean I LOVE people, I love going to work and seeing my co workers, I love having people over once a year for a party, I love being invited to small parties, I am super friendly - and because of this, from an outsider perspective, people assume I am a people-loving extrovert. But on the flip side, I can only handle people in small amounts. After a day at work, I go home and require the entire evening to recover. People just completely drain me. To the point my hands start shaking, I feel dizzy, I start getting reclusive at my house. As long as I have an adequate amount of time to recover because interacting with people again, I do great! And people never really see the reclusive side to me - excluding family. My grandma always told me I have a "store front personality".

Which brings me to the current issue I am having trouble addressing. To me, my home is sacred ground. I rarely invite people over and on the rare occasion I do they only stay for a few hours. We do not live near any family, at least until recently. My brother-in-law recently moved nearby and since he moved here comes and stays for a few days at a time. Particularly on weekends. I should state he is very respectful, and overall a good house guest. But his presence in my house is bringing my anxiety to unhealthy levels. I feel like crying all the time, I have no patience, my hands are shaky, and I feel like the walls are caving in.

After working all week, I absolutely NEED my space at home, to recover. My brother in law is in his mid twenties and a free spirit. He doesn't understand where I am coming from and my husband keeps getting stuck in the middle. My husband understands my personality 100% and respects it. He is great about giving me space and he really is the only person I can tolerate in my space (and my son, of course).

I don't know what to do about my brother-in-law. He needs to stop coming over or at least when he does, only stay a few hours. But anytime we try to set this boundary, he guilt trips my husband. And then of course call his mom who in turn calls my husband and adds to the guilt trip.

I think it is great my husband has his brother nearby to do things with and am not trying to come between them. I constantly encourage my husband to go do things with his brother but for some reason, it seems like residing at our house for a few days on end is the most appealing option. We have a cabin in the mountains so I can see why my brother in law likes coming but it is my space. It is my home. As selfish as it sounds, I do not want him here.

What do I do? I am at my wits end and it is going to start causing tension in my marriage - and extremely unhealthy anxiety levels.

I really don't know what to say here.. i understand how you feel and I also understand your husband. You say people drain you and you can only handle them in small amounts, so you go home and you recover which absolutely fine but now your routine is broken, have you tried sychotherapy? You say you feel dizzy and your hands start shaking .. Maybe it is not a bad idea to look for reasons why is it this way. I'm sure you talked to your husband many times but if the way you feel is the most important for him then he will make it clear for your brother in law that it is not ok to be coming over too often and he should respect it even if he doesn't get it.

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I agree with the above post. I can relate to how you feel about your home being your safe place. I feel the same way about my home. It is the only place in this world where I can hide from the world and relax. So I totally get how you're feeling. I wonder if it would be possible for you to sit down with your brother-in-law and explain how you feel? Do you think this could be an option? Maybe if he hears it directly from you instead of your husband then he'll understand better? What do you think?

Thanks all. Things just took a different direction than I expected. My brother in law and husband came home from skiing and even though I asked my brother in law to be very quiet he successfully woke up my sleeping toddler. So after I expressed my frustration, he left frustrated.

Though it is very upsetting to be in this position, I do think it is a necessary step to help him understand me a little more. I know he doesn't like me, and I can accept that. I know I am different and have reached the age I will not apologize for who I am. I am willing to compromise but not willing to feel miserable in my own home.

I hope we can find a middle medium but at least for today I have my house back and can try and decompress. And hopefully my husband isn't too hurt of these events.

I hope that you can work something out. Everyone is correct that he (your bro-in-law) needs to respect your wishes but with your husband undermining it after being made to feel guilty it's a tough thing.

What comes to mind is that somehow maybe your husband could find ways to spend time with his brother outside the house as much as possible, if of course he can't stand up for you. Although I get the impression you're not wanting to make your husband feel guilty, no matter how you look at it, you are supposed to be his #1 priority, over friends and even siblings. period. Not something that you can easily voice to him, I understand that but still is the truth. That's why I think your husband ought to do something to give you space as much as possible if your in laws come by and stay.

I can't really think of any other solution..

Do talk to your husband more about this. somehow make him understand that you'd apreciate him standing up for you and not sacrificing your needs due to guilt. His brother should be 3rd, after you and your kids.