About Me

02:27 PM

I would rather not use my full name (I don't know if it appears, hopefully not). I know I might be a little young for maybe using this, but I am 16. Please read all the way before judging me please. Thank you in advance. A little bit about me is that ever since I was younger I have had a seriously hard time trying to trust people. When I was 10 years old I was raped by my neighbor. I was scared to tell anyone because he threatened to hit me if I did. at age 12 I finally told a teacher at school because a kid came up to me and grabbed me and I lashed out because it was like how it happened. My mom and dad are divorced, and so I lived with my mom and stepdad. At my dads house it wasn't a safe neighborhood. His house got shot at and the bullet went right passed me and barely missed my dad. My dad is a heavy drug and alcohol abuser too so he was never reliable. He almost got us killed 8 times in car crashes that were caused because he overdosed. I felt like I was taking care of him and myself alone. At the time I was also dealing with physical and mental abuse from my mom and stepdad. I would get hit, thrown against walls, strangled by being picked up by the neck, told I was useless, and told I was a mistake and wasn't supposed to be born and so much more. I was forced to eat on the floor like a dog because they didn't want me at the dinner table with them because they didn't love me. And as if it couldn't get any worse, I was bullied, harassed and sexually assaulted at school. I struggled with anorexia, and depression. I have psoriasis and at the time I didn't know how to get it under control so it was bad and everyone called me oatmeal head. I was told I could go and kill myself and not one person would care. I was called a slut, a *****, a b word....anything you could think of, it probably happened. I was shoved in lockers, kicked in the back, people spit on me and my lunch. I was shoved down stairs and once it caused me to sprain my ankle and right hand. I felt I had no place in this world. I thought I was crazy, useless, pitiful...I didn't know what love was. I was scared. I was diagnosed with ADHD early (around 5) and they thought I was schizophrenic because I used to see things that weren't there that were trying to kill me. I have been arrested 3 times for running away from home because I was scared if I stayed that it would get worse. My little sister hand me at knife point 3 times because she hated me and said she didn't want me here anymore. After all this for a while, I gave up. I thought no one cared about me so I made some suicide attempts. After one of them, I was taken to the emergency room, and I had to lie and say I did it by accident because if I said the truth, my parents would hit me. I was in and out of mental institutions up until my freshman year when I final found someone I trusted. It was my health teacher. One day a lesson got to me and I told her everything. She called child protective services and family preservation. I got the help I needed. Now my family life is unbelievably better. I actually feel loved. But I still don't know how to talk to my parents about things I need help with. For example, last year, 2 of my friends passed away in a major car accident, and I suffered in silence, and the fact that I need extra help in school because of my extreme test anxiety. I've been told by many people what a joy I am to be around, but I feel like everyone judges me because of my looks, my talk, my everything. So that's somewhat my life story. Sorry for offending anyone, I really really did not mean to, please forgive me if I did.

Rose3 · Jan 06, 2014, 11:58 PM

Hi CGC12345 - It's understandable that you have difficulty trusting people. You've experienced a lot of unpleasantness - it felt frightening to read your story. Thank goodness for your health teacher and child protection services/family preservation. The joy in you can shine. Welcome to the forum.

Jan 07, 2014, 08:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CGC12345

..... told I was useless...

Tell them they do not know what they are talking about.... It is ME that is Useless (IE my name).

Sorry to hear about how your dad was/is such a dbag. And as for your neighbor - there is a special place in hell for him and all those like him.

Hope you find some PEACE here.

Jan 08, 2014, 06:55 PM

You aren't useless....NOONE is useless! You wouldn't have been put on this earth if you were useless. I may be 16 but I am so much more mature than a lot of people give me credit for, and I know so much more than a 16 year old should, but let me tell you one thing. This is to comfort not hurt. You are not useless, if you were useless, God wouldn't have put you here, you wouldn't have the ability to live. Things always get better. Take it from me. Losing hope is not the wisest choice you will make in your life...trust me, it's one of the worst things you will ever do.....EVER!

(Sorry for if I offended anyone with the religious speal I just wrote)

Jan 08, 2014, 07:10 PM

I try to forget sometimes it works....and I am happy and everything and no more depression, but other times I just give up and hide from the world

shezbut · Jan 09, 2014, 04:06 AM

I am so glad to see that you finally got some much needed help with your family!!

Sorry that you're struggling with figuring out how to talk about the deaths of 2 friends of yours with your parents. Have you ever mentioned it to anyone that you know?? Friends? Church? Are you in therapy? {I'm assuming that you aren't, otherwise you probably would have worked this out with him or her.}

Do you ever have quiet times with your parents? If so, perhaps you could mention it then? Or, maybe after a movie night? Just, some time when you have everyone that you want to be able to participate present....In a relatively quiet moment, say it outright: "My friends, __ and ___ passed away. They were in a car accident, they didn't make it, and I'm really upset." If they're dumbfounded and quiet, continue with telling them how you feel.

You can also use this time to tell them about having such a difficult time managing your test anxiety, you now need some extra help in school. Maybe adding, "Gosh, I am just really having a tough time nowadays. I feel so anxious and I just can't seem to figure out a way to work through it! I did get some help from school." I would recommend that you also open up about how you have been having a difficult time sharing these deep feelings lately. You've been wanting to tell them ~ but didn't know how, when, where, or if you should. Re-state that you're having a tough time, because the now is all that we have some control over.

dollah · Jan 09, 2014, 01:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CGC12345

I would rather not use my full name (I don't know if it appears, hopefully not). I know I might be a little young for maybe using this, but I am 16. Please read all the way before judging me please. Thank you in advance. A little bit about me is that ever since I was younger I have had a seriously hard time trying to trust people. When I was 10 years old I was raped by my neighbor. I was scared to tell anyone because he threatened to hit me if I did. at age 12 I finally told a teacher at school because a kid came up to me and grabbed me and I lashed out because it was like how it happened. My mom and dad are divorced, and so I lived with my mom and stepdad. At my dads house it wasn't a safe neighborhood. His house got shot at and the bullet went right passed me and barely missed my dad. My dad is a heavy drug and alcohol abuser too so he was never reliable. He almost got us killed 8 times in car crashes that were caused because he overdosed. I felt like I was taking care of him and myself alone. At the time I was also dealing with physical and mental abuse from my mom and stepdad. I would get hit, thrown against walls, strangled by being picked up by the neck, told I was useless, and told I was a mistake and wasn't supposed to be born and so much more. I was forced to eat on the floor like a dog because they didn't want me at the dinner table with them because they didn't love me. And as if it couldn't get any worse, I was bullied, harassed and sexually assaulted at school. I struggled with anorexia, and depression. I have psoriasis and at the time I didn't know how to get it under control so it was bad and everyone called me oatmeal head. I was told I could go and kill myself and not one person would care. I was called a slut, a *****, a b word....anything you could think of, it probably happened. I was shoved in lockers, kicked in the back, people spit on me and my lunch. I was shoved down stairs and once it caused me to sprain my ankle and right hand. I felt I had no place in this world. I thought I was crazy, useless, pitiful...I didn't know what love was. I was scared. I was diagnosed with ADHD early (around 5) and they thought I was schizophrenic because I used to see things that weren't there that were trying to kill me. I have been arrested 3 times for running away from home because I was scared if I stayed that it would get worse. My little sister hand me at knife point 3 times because she hated me and said she didn't want me here anymore. After all this for a while, I gave up. I thought no one cared about me so one day while I was vacuuming, I tied the cord around my neck. I was taken to the emergency room, and I had to lie and say I did it by accident because if I said the truth, my parents would hit me. I tried again by overdosing on all my medicines (I was taking Adderall and 3 other pills for adhd, and then abilify for depression), I "fell" out of my 2nd floor window...and several other incidences. I was in and out of mental institutions up until my freshman year when I final found someone I trusted. It was my health teacher. One day a lesson got to me and I told her everything. She called child protective services and family preservation. I got the help I needed. Now my family life is unbelievably better. I actually feel loved. But I still don't know how to talk to my parents about things I need help with. For example, last year, 2 of my friends passed away in a major car accident, and I suffered in silence, and the fact that I need extra help in school because of my extreme test anxiety. I've been told by many people what a joy I am to be around, but I feel like everyone judges me because of my looks, my talk, my everything. So that's somewhat my life story. Sorry for offending anyone, I really really did not mean to, please forgive me if I did.

I can't identify with any of your issues, but I certainly feel for you. To have gone through all you've encountered and to be still standing says alot to me about your fortitude. Age 16 or not, that's a terrible past, but your last comments speak to your strength. To be a joy to be around after all you've gone through is one wonderful compliment and a woonderful testament to how you've reacted to all these difficulties.

Jan 09, 2014, 04:55 PM

I hide my feelings....Im a joy to be around cuz I loooove helping people. after what has happened, I cant watch anyone go through anything like that ever. I know what its like and it isn't even close to right to not help others struggling. I cant let it happen.

Jan 09, 2014, 04:56 PM

A lot of what you said to do is a lot easier said than done :/

shezbut · Jan 10, 2014, 12:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CGC12345

A lot of what you said to do is a lot easier said than done :/

I know CGC12345. You are absolutely right. It is easier said than done. But, you do believe that your family loves you, correct? You aren't afraid of how they might react?

Please understand that I'm not trying to scare you. I'm just trying to get a better understanding of what exactly holds you back. I wonder if a little part of you is afraid of how your family might react if/when you tell them what's going on inside? I truly hope that you can believe that you are entirely safe. And, if that is the case ~ you DO believe ~ then I encourage you to hold onto that hope to get you through to face your fears.

When we avoid what we're afraid of, the fear gets stronger. And then general anxiety begins. I have been on that crazy road myself, back when I was in my 20's. Every day was just SO HARD for me!! I was miserable for years, and my world quickly became smaller and smaller. I got to the point where I avoided almost everything, because my fear was so intense.

When I think of you avoiding talking about things that are troubling you, things that are happening in your world & you hold it inside... I worry. I don't want you to have to live through what I did. I really don't.

That is where I am coming from.

Jan 10, 2014, 10:09 PM

I believe when God wants it to get better, it will. I hold on strong and wont let go. my fear is that ill be rejected in some way. I have been getting better day by day. honestly. maybe a few things bugging me. yeah. but its not things I cant handle most of the time. there were times ive talked to my parents cuz I come home in tears and obviously they look at me and go oh no what now. but I tell them. another thing about me, I don't cry. I find it hard to cry. I feel crying is a sign that my past is getting to me. so if im crying, something had to of set me off....something relating to my past. otherwise, im "fine".
I do belive my parents love me, otherwise, they woulda let me kill myself when I tried those countless times.
And I believe with every problem I encounter, there will be 3 good things to come. I have a positive outlook on life. I believe it gets better always always always. thank you for your support it is extremely appreciated

Malachite · Jan 11, 2014, 08:21 PM

Dear CGC12345,

The tale you tell, is not new to me. It is a reflection of my adolescent household. However, I didn't suffer the worst of it. Like you, my sister bore the the brunt of it. My greatest suffering, was witnessing her suffering.

Regardless, please, never give up hope. There are many of us who care about you, and many more who would, if they only knew of you.

I have great hope for you, because of all you have been through, this afternoon; you were doing your home work. It is a great sign of strength. It is a sign of focus. Please, continue to respect yourself, take care of your mind, your body, your education. Your future depends on it.

You have my love,

Larry

Feb 18, 2014, 06:39 PM

thank you so so so so so........................SO much
it made me cry...what you said...everything. hat maybe people care...but im going through everything alone. no one seems to care at the moment for me when im scaared and alone
knowing you care means a lot to me...so thank you a bajillion times

niceguy · Feb 18, 2014, 06:54 PM

OMG - much respect and support for your strength. You have strength, that is inspiring.

It WILL only get better from here, i promise. It is a wise step to visit here and seek help. We all are supportive of one another and should you need a shoulder to cry on, don't be afraid to ask.

Remember, you wont be given more than you can cope with - and at such a young age- you are amazing

Feb 18, 2014, 07:21 PM

that means a lot...especially since im dealing with issues hard right now...so thank you for your kind words because it means so much to me

Dionysius · Feb 18, 2014, 07:45 PM

It breaks my heart when I read how other people, like yourself, have been suffering so much. The amount of abuse going on in the world is sickening. I really do hope that your life has improved, I am amazed by your strength after all you`ve been through. I wish you luck and hope you have a good life from now on. Regards Dionysius. PS. Please don`t give up.

Feb 18, 2014, 08:59 PM

Im overwhelmed by so much love and care ive been getting on here lately...thank you all. it means so much. I didn't know people could be so caring

ChipperMonkey · May 28, 2014, 02:54 PM

I think it's great that you've reached out for help and support! So many people go through their entire lives just holding everything in. But, in my experience, this doesn't really work. You are lucky to be so young and already trying to make things better! So many of us don't even try until later in life when much of our lives have already passed us by! I'm new here, too, of course, and I think that you can find a lot of support here on the forum! (Well, you've been kind to me, I know that!) A lot of the time people in our lives just don't understand, so it is so helpful to be able to go online and find others who can identify with what we're going through. Please don't ever give up, don't ever lose hope, and don't ever stop pushing forward!

Preshylala · Jun 24, 2014, 11:11 AM

Hmmmm!one thing i know well is that nobody is ever perfect and everybody has an experience,wether gud or bad one way or the othe,i'v had mine own emotional abuse to from my dad who seem to have taken control of the whole family with fear,everybody shivers wen he comes in and all,he get you on the slightest wrong?you are sure to here going to get the possible best of hell beating.but all in all i belive we'll need to move on and build in ourselve a strong confident fire wall that it get beter as the day goes by.reading this i must confess realy make me fell that i was never abused at all by my dad,but hey i hav a word for you tho,and that is you are a better person if you can learn to move on and the most importantly?forgive,cos that really relieves you of all the thought and burdens sumhow.

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