What's Happening to Me?

I've been in a very mature and positive relationship for a little over nine months and over Christmas realized it could be long term. I love the feeling of being in love with my girlfriend and being there for her.

This month, I've felt like I'm losing my mind and worse, my heart. I've had daily intrusive debilitating thoughts and feelings that I will lose my relationship. There have been several lines of thinking, ranging from fears that I will cheat, that a possible marriage will end in divorce, that my occasional same-sex attractions will preclude a long-lasting relationship, that I will hurt my girlfriend emotionally, and that I will simply lose all attraction. This is often constant: hour to hour, day to day. The thick of it feels like death. When it goes away for a while, I feel silly about how I felt.

It all followed a discussion with my family about the upcoming semester, during which they mentioned the idea of engagement. They were right, I realized. She's amazingly compatible with me in the best kind of way: personality, sexuality, interests, maturity. I love the feeling of being in love with her. I am in my final semester of graduate school, and so a new chapter of my life is fast approaching. It's time to move forward.

Soon, I weirdly started to worry and fret about various topics, listed above. With this came a gnawing dread which, in a flash, replaced the wonderful feelings I had for her. A depression set in hard. I felt numb toward life, family, and most frightening of all, her. These intrusive fears felt nothing like the normal doubts that I've had in past relationships, even when I've contemplated breaking things off. I suspect that a big part of this is the stress of entering the next chapter of life, but why it's causing these symptoms is beyond me. It's like part of me has been slashed out. Unless very well distracted in the mind, there is constant anxiety, constant thinking, constant cinching in my stomach.

It got worse. I became fixated on the idea that I was going to become gay and have to be with a man. This has been the scariest, most unwelcome, thought. Male friends who I have known since childhood became the objects of really confusing feelings of attraction and anxious intrusive thoughts. Soon, every guy I saw made me compulsively have sexual thoughts or fears. I never wanted this, and am so confused and constantly down. Orientation isn't supposed to behave this erratically.

My occasional same sex-attractions haven't been something that really bothered me until now. It never seemed like a big or important part of me, just another character trait. I've never really worried that I'd have to act on such interests. Now such thoughts are suddenly killing me.

My mind has raced through so many ideas of why I cannot stay with my girlfriend; one that was running last week was: "you must first get with a guy, before you can ever feel better about her".

This wasn't true, and I've had several very fun days with her. Sometimes I almost pop out of the woods and it's bliss. My girlfriend is entirely in the loop on ALL of this, and she has been amazing in taking care of me. Even when she's scared too, she's there for me. When stress in life goes down I can actually feel my fear and doubts about us take care of themselves and my happiness/satisfaction shoots up. . I'm so afraid it is all slipping away; that the good feelings won't come back next time.

I have been in one other long term relationship. We cared about each other. Shortly after she unexpectedly broke it off with me, she came out to me as lesbian (a few years ago this month). At the time I didn't think it bothered me, and it still really doesn't, consciously. In the past I had one other episode similar to this where I lost my faith. My anxiety says that means I'm losing my girl too. That I have to lose her. That I want to lose her but am too stupid or cowardly to just pull up my bootstraps and dump her.

I want to take the right steps to level things out with my girlfriend. She amazing to me and I hate to make her sad, feel empty toward her, or constantly feel like I'm draining her. I just want my heart open to her love again. I don't want to obsessively fret myself into no longer loving her. I don't want to lose such an amazing girl. It's like a heavy fog.

Any guidance on what's wrong with me?

Why are you on this site? Do you have a diagnosis? I see that it is your first post, but why did you choose a mental health forum and not, say, Yahoo answers?

You describe anxiety. You describe intrusive and possibly racing thoughts. You know the terms "anxiety" and "intrusive thoughts" but given your level of education, it is hard to say whether you have a vast vocabulary or know the terms related to your specific disorders. Please clarify.

Noone can help if you dont know what you are looking for. I suggest dont lose it since you have great feeling about her. Once you lose it, it wont be the same anymore.

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Why are you so quick to get married?

Just date until you, yourself, is ready to make a long-term commitment. You just sound like you're afraid of long-term commitment in that way because you aren't ready.

Just because you have certain thoughts doesn't mean you have to act on them. If fears about liming guys is bothering you, then you certainly don't have to dump your gf and get with a guy to see. I find other girls attractive, but that doesn't mean I have to cheat on my wife to see if I want something else.

Try to take a deep breath and realize these things are just thoughts. You have control over your choices. If you have a problem with anxiety then maybe therapy or medications will help you find some relief.

Just enjoy your time with her and let things develope.

Well, you didn't specifically say you were getting married, but you did say that this seems to be in connection with you realizing that it might go long term.

It seems like you've got anxiety related to commitment. Probably something you should see a therapist about. You also seem to be projecting your ex coming out as gay onto yourself. Again, something to talk to a therapist about.

Overall, there's nothing "wrong" with you, but some time with a therapist may help you work through what's going on.

I wonder ... have you blamed yourself for your ex being gay?

I apologize for not clarifying. I am in therapy but have not seen a psychiatrist yet. No I do not have a diagnosis. My therapist seems to believe I am dealing with stress induced anxiety though we have not had a chance to examine this. If this website is only for the diagnosed then I apologize. I like my girlfriend and don't want to leave a relationship too hastily, especially because this extremely uncomfortable state came on so suddenly without much cause following a very good point. It seems like something else. I haven't tried yahoo answers but I don't know how they are at dealing with relationship problems that may be caused by anxiety or depression vs. simple incompatibility.

Thank you for the thoughts. I have wondered whether there was something I did that made her change. But to my knowledge she'd been that way for a long time and I was weirdly a little flattered that I was a guy she could love. I really don't doubt she did love me for a long time. I've never really beat myself up over it. I've wondered about projection but I don't really know what causes it to arise. Really my worry is that these are perfectly common symptoms of dissatisfaction and unhappiness alone and I am too dense and cowardly to admit it. Many days though, that seems completely absurd and I know I want and love my girlfriend.

This site is for anyone you don't need a diagnosis. I THINK what hamster might have been getting at (correct me if I'm wrong hamster-banster) is that if you're on the site for other reasons as well ie anxiety that maybe you need to ALSO look at those problems... also I think Hamster was looking for further explanations as to your anxiety-like symptoms so that we can better understand what's going on. It's hard to give advice sometimes without more info =)

to PC!

As far as your relationship - I wonder if you have talked to the girl about this? Also I'm wondering since your feelings came up so quickly after the idea of engagement - that this trigger some kind of insecurity you feel about the relationship. There's no set time that you *must* become engaged - maybe you are not yet ready?

Fear of commitment.

Me thinks you should stop ALL talks and thoughts of marriage. Marriage wasn't your idea, someone else decided its time for you to take the next step, so obviously after a very short 9 months you are nowhere near ready if it had to be pointed out to you.

You shouldn't marry someone because its the next logical step, you shouldn't marry someone because she's perfect for you and you're scared she may run off.

You marry them because you want to, and you're ready to. If she's the right woman, she's not going anywhere.

I suggest you address the topic of marriage when its actually your idea.

Hi anxiouspikachu,

I just wanted you to know that you are very welcome here. No one needs to be diagnosed with anything to be a member of Psych Central. I am not diagnosed with a mental illness but I do suffer from a couple of issues. I've been a member here over 8 years and worked my way up to being an administrator.

As you can see by our Forum Mission, you are in the right place:

You have an issue that you are working on. That is all that matters and I hope you find support here. Please take good care of yourself during this process you are in.

With Care,
sabby

Well, being homosexual isn't something that just crops up. She'd had that orientation her whole life, but sometimes people blame themselves for "turning" an ex. And yes, she really did love you.

As far as being too dense or cowardly, I would say you're the opposite since you're seeking treatment and being honest with your girlfriend. It sounds more like an "OMG, this could be for real!" type of moment and for whatever reason, it's causing you to panic.

By the way, that panic is pretty normal. When I proposed to my wife I went through a bunch of "Oh carp, I won't get to do what I want when I want! How am I going to deal with this? What if ..." It's just our mind racing from fear of the unknown future.

But in your case it seems to be affecting your life so I applaud you getting some help and being honest with your girlfriend. Stick with it and it will work out!

Ok, so you have a professional looking at it with you. That's good. I am sorry if I made it appear as if the site membership were limited to people with a dx. It certainly isn't. It is just when SO much anxiety is reported, you wonder if it has been a general pattern for which you have already sought help, or, a sudden thing and you are all on your own. ..

The simplest lay advice to you has already been given - postpone getting married.

You have one stressor you can't avoid dealing with - the last semester of graduate school.

Then you have another stressor of getting married, and you can avoid it by postponing. Your gf will agree that it's the best course of action.

The anxiety may be a way your body is telling you that two major life changes at once is too overwhelming for you. It may be a signal you need to listen to, rather than a symptom that needs to be managed.

I certainly understand why you were flattered with that girl who loved you even though you were a guy. The line of reasoning was "well, it is no big deal and nothing to write home about if a girl who is into guys falls in love with you. Happens all the time. But when a girl who is not into into guys falls in love with you, then it becomes newsworthy. "

That?

If the 'marriage' bit is causing this confusion and constant worry, it isn't really the unwanted word or feeling that keeps popping to mind. The words and feelings are things that would seem to preclude marriage though: lack of attraction, cheating propensity, orientation crisis. When one pops away, another seems to take it's place. Honestly my thinking has been quite dulled the past few weeks, almost burned out.

I've kept her up to speed on everything happening. While hiding it could help her out in the short term, it would come to the surface eventually and totally hurt her. So I communicate. She knows exactly what I fear, what feelings happen. She doesn't deserve to get hurt. But at the same time, I don't know the right way to keep her in the loop without hurting her too much. Like I said she's been supportive, but sometimes she loses hope herself. I always know I have an out, and so does she, but I don't want to rush to that just because I'm feeling pain.

I feel like I've got her on a seesaw though with my good times and down times. I just want to feel normal with her again, understand what's going on, and really determine whether it's her, or something I have to sort out for myself. If it is me, I have a strong sense this could likely follow me to another relationship. I have only been to the therapist once (going tomorrow), and am not on any medications so I really feel like I'm at the whim of each day.

Right, it seemed pretty cool. I guess that was part of how I rationalized the pain away. I didn't have what I'm having now in that relationship. But I've often felt, before this month, like I'm on the cusp of that deep satisfaction that I had in the good points in the old relationship. But I'm very curious how long contributing factors have been building on me: my social life has diminished since coming to law school (not that many law students don't flourish socially), my old undergrad friends have all moved on, I'm no longer the top of the class like in undergrad, and I've undergone a faith crisis. It's like there's little to hold onto. I don't want to have a pedestal girlfriend, but I certainly want that soul to squeeze through these years.

No worries! You are graduating, you have a wonderful girlfriend, you are ready for the next step in your life. So relax, no stress to make ANY decisions and enjoy life as it is right now. You have to take control of your thoughts and your life. Live it and love it one day at a time. Life is to short. Enjoy the ride!

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Thank you for the sweet thoughts. I wish I could just let go of the stress but so much of it is this unnamed mass that seems to have enveloped me. Part of me fears/feels like I just don't love her or that I'm just not attracted enough; another half really feels like this bad feeling is being propped up by everything else in my life right now or other issues. My usual self is able to weather stress, but this stuff is making me feel like I don't know my girlfriend, don't know myself, and don't feel a place in my world. More than that, I feel cloudy. That's why I'm going to therapy. My girlfriend is really awesome but I need help parsing out how I really feel about her from all of the thoughts, fears, and emotions of the past month.

I understand. I do. I was trying to give you something positive to ponder!

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You may want to request a doctor try you on some anti anxiety meds if your thoughts are interfearing in everyday life. Or maybe request to be seen by a psychiatrist instead of therapist so you can get some better help with this.

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Yeah I'm scheduled to go in to the psychiatrist early next month, but it's just the doubts and waiting that seems impossible sometimes. I'd rather avoid medication. It's validating in a way, but my mind says:

1. If I take meds, I'm messed up and my girlfriend doesn't need that.

or

2. If I don't take meds this clearly isn't that big of a deal and I'm just misinterpreting or in denial that I've lost interest.

I get so uncertain with whether all this is really worth it or if I'm just delusional and bent on hanging onto something that can't work. My girlfriend hopes to see results and it feels like each time she sees me in a negative state eats away a little more of her. When I'm unsure and confused I don't have anything to say because I feel either nothing or turmoil. When I do feel love, I miss no chance to say so. But it's like a teeter totter.

Well, It also depends on if you want a healthy relationship with this woman or not. You know what I mean?

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I do. And I think I want to do what is necessary to get back to where things make sense. Where I feel like I belong. If healthy requires that, then I'm okay with it.

There are anxiolytic medications taken as needed ("PRN"). That might be worth trying.

Most of your classmates, like you, were on the top in undergraduate classes but are not on the top now, so you are not alone (an obvious point).