[Yogurtz]

A subject I encounter frequently on social networking sites is the ‘Friend Zone.’

Speaking as someone that has had a long and difficult history with women and relationships, this is a sensitive subject for me, but what I find most difficult about seeing this discussed online is the condemnation us males that are ‘friend zoned’ receive for our feelings of frustration and rejection. It is this condemnation that I wanted to discuss here.

As a male, I do not think a woman ‘owes’ me anything for being nice, nor do I think I ‘deserve’ sex if I am nice or do things for her. Perhaps other males feel this way, in which this condemnation would be entirely understandable, but I do not feel like this.

What I have searched for and desired is to experience the closeness a romantic relationship with a woman offers. To me the difference between friends and a relationship is not strictly sex, it is the emotional and intellectual closeness as well, where I can truly be accepted for who I am and there are no social barriers between us.

Whenever I have been friends with a woman, I have felt more like a number or a bonus on the side, not someone special or important. Often she would have at least three to five best friends and likely a dozen other friends, and as selfish as it might sound, inside I felt like I was disposable and unimportant. Considering that my last best friend (or whom I felt was my best friend) ceased all contact with me without an explanation or warning 2 years ago, a real shock to me, makes me inclined to believe that I was indeed disposable to her.

Now I am in a wonderful relationship with a woman, and this is undoubtedly the best time of my life. However, the (literal) scars from the many years of unrequited love, rejection, bad relationships, etc. have still left a mark on me, and for many years I believed I was unlovable.

To conclude this I wanted to ask this question: is it unacceptable for a male to feel hurt if a woman doesn’t reciprocate his desire for a relationship?

[healingme4me]

To answer your question, yes, it's completely acceptable to feel hurt by unreciprocated feelings.

[Grey Matter]

You're one of the minority. The majority, as I've learned, get angry when a woman/female identifying person refuse sex to someone who was being "nice" to them. That being the "friend zone".

I personally believe the friend zone is nothing but a social construct to further dehumanize women ("i was nice! you're not going to sleep with me?!" etc).

To be hurt my unreciprocated feelings is much different than feeling like someone owes you something. It would be wrong to be angry and resentful if a women refused sex in return of good behavior from a male/male identifying person.

[hamster-bamster]

You were not a friend to those women in the past. You were part of their entourage. Of course it hurts you to feel as if you were disposable.

I hope you will find true friends I the future, women or men or both.

I agree it's totally acceptable to feel the way you do/did. I feel like that often myself because my feelings are always unreciprocated.

Another thing I wanted to comment on was this whole "friend zone" thing. When a guy is actually nice to me, I actually want to be with them and probably even have sex with them. But then, when they realize that I actually want to be more than friends (especially if I actually might want to have sex with them), their reaction is somewhere between being sickened or horrified.

So, let me get this straight, I react the exact way they want me to (and b**** about how other women don't) and I'm treated even WORSE than the women who "friend zone" them. So, what the serious f—?

So, I guess the point is—guys don't be nice to a girl and then be surprised that she wants to sleep with you because that's why most of you are nice in the first place. I mean, OP, you're rare—most guys treat girls like trash unless they want to sleep with them. No wonder I never had male friends when I was younger—none of them would want to make me attracted to them by accident and none of them were attracted to me, so there was no point.

[Grey Matter]

There is no winning in the respect of denying sex or wanting sex, it seems. I never quite understood it fully, and I am not a female. The whole "game" people play with "the friend zone" seems so pointless and unfulfilled.

I do think that there is a HUGE difference between feeling pain due to not having identical feels or affections when you hoped there would be, which the OP is feeling, and hating someone for not being attracted/not wanting sex.

[Yismymindblank12]

That's why people of my generation will die young either drugs, stupid ****, stds, and lack of common sense. I don't like how popular stupidity has become now. I'm burned out, by how people spotlight certain that are just stupid. If I love the girl I make it known, I man up to my ****, I can't stand with young people in my life are so irresponsible of themselves and socially stupid. I ask any girl out, I don't mind if they say no, I can get a hotter girl the next day, but the way that women is acceptable to further the gender gap is this friendzoning ********, of pussyass "nice guys" that are too nice which it does happen. I honestly think this is silly and just illogical all together, if it's attraction the guy is friendzoned she isn't attracted to him. The guy treats her right and gets nothing out of it that's all. I find it silly when I see trying to do that with me, I'll stop talking to them. You have to put people in their place, it's respect amongst yourself and others. What i don't understand? People buy this garbage and believe it's socially acceptable to lie to a persons face because they don't like the dude, instead of telling them off the bat I'm not interested. It drives me nuts. I'm not even a woman, but I stick up so much women. That **** kills it, I won't help a friend or my sister and ex that still talks to me. I'll tell them, you being stupid don't get mad at me for telling you the truth. Some women are stupid and make the majority of decent smart women look bad. It really enrages me sometimes, same with dudes, I don't party at frats anymore. People are stupid. love this post yo. Good luck, I don't have this problem. I'm only 20, haven't been in the bar scene and club scene with lot's of crazier women, but I think the stupidity taught me who to keep away when I will be around more people. It's like now I am a seasoned pick up artist, and I don't care bout that, I just want a true woman you know. Some girl who wants to look good everyday from everyone's compliments. It's childish. That's what I look for a grown woman mentally who uses her brain and I would love and respect her a lot for that.

Originally Posted by Yogurtz

Now I am in a wonderful relationship with a woman, and this is undoubtedly the best time of my life. However, the (literal) scars from the many years of unrequited love, rejection, bad relationships, etc. have still left a mark on me, and for many years I believed I was unlovable.

To conclude this I wanted to ask this question: is it unacceptable for a male to feel hurt if a woman doesn’t reciprocate his desire for a relationship?

Considering you're in a relationship that is good and you're happy, why does it matter? There is no one that can say a person, male or female, should not feel hurt by rejection. That males are different and should not is just dumb. Of course it's not unacceptable to feel those things.

But instead of pondering the hurt you've experienced, cherish the good things your partner gives you now. That's my advice.

Originally Posted by Grey Matter

There is no winning in the respect of denying sex or wanting sex, it seems. I never quite understood it fully, and I am not a female. The whole "game" people play with "the friend zone" seems so pointless and unfulfilled.

I do think that there is a HUGE difference between feeling pain due to not having identical feels or affections when you hoped there would be, which the OP is feeling, and hating someone for not being attracted/not wanting sex.

What I don't personally understand is how sex even gets brought up so quickly in regards to relationships at all. The sex, in my mind is part of it but something that shoudl be shared in an already mature relationship. I start going out with someone, or having a girlfriend it's not an instant expectation that we have sex because frankly sex doesn't build lasting relationships no matter how good it is.

I just think with regards to sex people are way too focused on it nowadays and ptu the cart before the horse, so to speak. But hey that's just me.