Am I off Base?

Hello, I am hoping that I can get some confirmation that I am not wrong in my decision. My daughter 29 is coming from a bad marriage that her husband walked out on her with no notice. She came home to their apartment cleaned out with all his stuff gone. Anything he brought onto their marriage he took, including a few things of hers. Although they dated 6 years before getting married he walked out 3 months into the marriage. She was legally divorces in May and moved in a new boyfriend. We did not like this move and felt it was way to early for her to make such a decision but......accepted if it made her happy then oh well. 7 months into this relationship we get a phone call from her feeling that he is cheating on her! She intercepted text messages that were very suggestive. She confronted him and he denied it (of course). She then got on his computer the next day and found numerous web sites, conversations and proof that he was going to meet others. She then had family and a friend help her toss him out. He was dumbfounded as to why she tossed him out. Well it has been now close to 2 months and he is still trying to get back into her life. Here come the issues, 1) he had over 5 different contacts with others to have sex with them (craig's list several postings of his, 3 web sites conversing with others and a site to had :"casual sex") 2). he contributed nothing financially to the relationship. We worked very hard to have her realize once a cheater and liar he will always be a cheater and liar. Now we have told her our opinion as to what she needs to do and get out of this relationship. He will not go away. He sent messages to me and told me some things that occurred during their relationship that my daughter did not want us knowing. He claimed we reuined his birthday and that she tried to commit suicide and that she wished we would go away. After talking with her she denied these allegations and said that he exaggerated this whole thing and she said she wished the situation would go away. Of course he has told me multiple times I ruined his birthday and to that he seems to only care about himself. Ironically he has not told his family that he has been evicted from her apartment as he has disgraced the family. He also has admitted to her that he initially intended to have casual sex with no commitments to the other party. He claims he did not carry through but the conversations were vivid enough that he intended to. We keep telling her that he is not worthy of her love let alone supporting him. (He is ever so in debt, constantly continuing to spend money and not on her and can barely pay his own bills). He has just taken on a second job as a bouncer for a strip club. After finding out he was at her apartment tonight, I am throwing my hands up! Please tell me that I am totally off base and that this is a relationship that is worthy of trying to save. My husband and the rest of the family all feel that she needs to keep him out of her life. Please help me help her!! Any suggestion will be appreciated.

She does, want him out of her life, doesn't she?

Casual sex, no strings attached, as his reasoning to redeem himself, leads to very dangerous health risk territory. Is that a risk, she wants to take with him? Would he be worth her losing her life, to disease?

It sounds like your daughter and you are acting like a team in coping with her problems. Why is that? At age 29, she needs to be running her own show. The best you can do is say, "If there is anything I can do, let me know." You can say, "If you need to talk, I can listen." Then you need to mainly listen and not try to figure it all out for her. Her decision to let this guy move in obviously was foolish. But that was her decision. What she will do now is her decision. You and your husband and the rest of your family feel she needs to keep this guy out of her life. Sounds like she would be smart to reach that conclusion herself. This isn't a "team activity." This is her business. Tell her that, if she is lonely, you are there for her. Don't make her decisions for her. It sounds like she has no experience setting appropriate boundaries. Maybe that problem started in your home when she was growing up. Of course this guy is not worthy of her. but she is going from one bad guy to another. And there is likely to be yet another one coming down the pike. You need to set her a good example and focus your attention on your life. It really sounds like you are more interested in living her life. Not healthy.

What she is doing is dangerous, and I hope she gets her head on straight. As a mother, of course you are worried. But you might want to step back and give her room to breathe.

I would agree with what Rose76 said your daughter is 29 she is very capable of making her own decisions and with that being said should fully understand the consequences she may face if she stays involved with this unfaithful man. I'm sure it must be hard for you to have to sit the sidelines and watch your daughter go through this but she must go through it only knowing that you as her mother are there for support and support alone. Question: Does your daughter come to you seeking answers/help and advice? It sounds to me like she does and maybe she needs to understand that her problems as an adult are not your problems. I would start by letting her know that you are always there but only to listen and explain that while you wish there was more you could do the decisions are hers to make. I wish I could be more helpful but I am no parent and in my past experiences I am just like your daughter even our ages are the same. I too would go to my mom seeking help with relationship troubles because we are close like best friends but I could see the stress it put on her and well these days I try not to confide in her so much on relationships anyway and when she asks me how things are going I just say it's ok and then change the subject. I hope this helps

Well sometimes someone has to learn things for themselves. They have to learn the hard way and they don't want to let go. You could ask her why she wants to save the relationship (if she does really want to save it) and go from there.
People outside a relationship can't see if there is good qualities and real love there sometimes. Yes, he messed up and did wrong. Your daughter sounds like she is very forgiving and willing to let things slide which can be a good quality, but she could get hurt emotionally from it. Ask her what she sees in him. Ask her how it benefits her to be with him. Maybe it will make her realize what course to take or help y'all understand why she wants to keep trying even when the signs tell her not to.

As much as you want to protect your daughter, she is an adult and she is to make her own decisions whether good or bad. She knows how you feel, and right now she just needs support, not someone to dictate her life. It's hard but it's what you have to do.

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You've been given excellent advice. Easier said than done. She avoids being alone at any price. If this fellow calls you again hang up on him. He only wants to share his perverse view of things with you and you'll only get upset. If he persists get a restraining order put on him. She may tolerate his non sense but you don't have to. I'm not a parent. I can only guess how hard this is to watch. She'll come to her own conclusions and the way you described it, she's not in the dark. She'll come around.

Thank you for your advice. It is very difficult to watch her go through this. She is the one who has come to us crying as she was afraid. He keeps showing up at her door stop no matter what she says to him. They have had conversations in the hallway as she does not want him in. She is the one who has shown me and given me all the information. When she moved him in, we never said anything against him or the idea and basically stayed out of their life. When we would have a family event he somehow came up with excuses as to why he could not attend. I think she has such a big heart that she can't say go away. This evening she came for dinner and told us that she has asked him for some time to figure out what she wants. He feels that if he gives her time she will walk away from him. We suggested to her to make a list as to why she should stay with him (or give him another chance) and why she shouldn't stay with him and then make her decision from there. She when asked what his adoring characteristics are so cannot think of anything. Hopefully she will come to her sense and realize that she is a worthy person of someone who will adore her for her. Thanks for your advice.... (He won't be calling me anytime soon, he is a coward who only texts his nastiness.)

Two things in addition to what has been said:

- a visit to the Planned Parenthood or her GP or her OB-GYN; she needs to explain that she lived with a guy involved in high risk behaviors (Craigslist etc) so could the doctor or nurse practitioner please administer a full panel of tests for sexually transmitted infections

- you and your daughter, each, need to send the ex bf a firm, clear message saying that he is not welcome in her house and that his written communications to both the daughter and the mother are not welcome and any such communication now that he has been put on notice will be considered harassment and immediately forwarded to the police.

It must be very hard, indeed, to see you daughter in a bad situation. Maybe I'm wrong in what I advised above. Maybe you would do well to tell your daughter she is making a big mistake, if she does renew her involvement with him. She would be wise to tell him that she does not want him coming around and will talk to police about it, if he persists. I can see where your daughter is someone to worry about. Still, she needs to wise up and look out for herself. Maybe she gets attracted somewhat to the drama of this kind of involvement. It might be wise for you to be a little less interested in every detail of her interactions. If she makes what you can clearly see is a very dumb decision, then briefly tell her that and then don't show a lot of interest in a relationship that you know is unhealthy. As bad as this last guy was, the next guy may be worse. She needs to find a circle of friends to do things with. Also, don't excuse dopey behavior with having a good heart. I do know what you are saying, but your elevating dangerous behavior into something sweet . . . and that can further enable it. I hope things work out.

Your daughter has a serious problem and even if she gets rid of this guy, she will continue to have a problem. Maybe sit her down and tell her some do's and don't's of engaging in relationships. I know that's the opposite of what I told you, but it sounds like your daughter is going around kind of clueless. Too bad. I'll bet she is a nice person. A nasty person wouldn't get played as she has been.

She is a good person, just at this point lonely. After her visit last night we have convinced her to get counseling. She has had so much happen in the last two years that she is truly confused. To have dated (6.5 yrs) and married (3 months) what she thought was the best thing to happen with her and have him walk out on her was horrible. To start dating this character was a great sign but I can't somehow not think she dated him to jab her ex but to continue to see him is baffling. He was living with her free, so who wouldn't want that life back. Cheat on the side of free housing. Hopefully the light will click and she will see that he really isn't good for her. The therapist that she saw when he husband left her, just died so she will need to start over in therapy. Clueless isn't the right word as she knows this is a bad choice, how to handle it would be more appropriate. Think I will hit the book store and see if there are any good books out there on relationships that would be someone else saying it is not a good one. Thanks for all your support and help!

Dr. Phil has some good ones on relationships. My daughter was daring a real jerk and I gave her the book. She dumped him and never looked back. Your daughter deserves so much more and I hope you are able to help her. Family is important and I don't believe that you should not be involved and trying to make her see the light. After all, they say the human brain isn't fully developed until 26 or so!!!!! Hugs and keep us posted.

I just wanted to throw this one out there you're a really great momma!!!

Just an update ..... my daughter has seen the light and her "friend" in her opinion is no longer involved in her life. Things hit a real crisis as she was so confused. I took the stance that if this is the life she wants then we will support her but I would not have him in our home until after a long time when he proves his love for her and that he truly loves her for her. Afterwards,my initial posts, they spent an afternoon talking about their priorities (in between him falling asleep multiple times). He kept telling her she couldn't dump him "as he had no place to go." He just started a new job and she told him he needed to take the time, go home, save some money and then think about getting his own place, that they could be friends and potentially continue to date. He told her that his new job (second job as a bouncer at a strip club) was his fun money and he didn't need to worry about the bills. He informed her that he could and would spend the money the way he wanted to like getting a full back tattoo. That was all he had to do as she knew that his priorities would never change and that he really didn't care about her and her values. He has become friends with all the strippers, is going drinking at all times of the day with this crowd, one that she does not want to get involved with. He really hung himself with her when he took off after their chat and sent nasty texts to me about her. He keeps trying to contact her and has said some nasty things about her and then will tell her he misses her, the dog and the apartment. I guess, time will tell what will truly happen with him but for the time she believes that she is much better off without him. Just pray that she finds her true sole mate and she finds happiness as that is all I want for her. Thank you again, for all your advice and prayers.

Thank you....at times I feel as though I am not, it's great to get reassurance!!