my boyfriend raised his hand to me

I've been with my bf for a little over 2 years. People from his church and his friends have told me how much he's changed over the years and how mean he used to be. He's nice to me but I've seen him be super mean to other ppl in a handful of occasions but it was when he was standing up for me...the other day we were playing around I threw water on him and everything changed. He slammed down the pot he had in his hand and got really close to my face and said something along the lines of I'm done playing but he had his hand up like he was going to hit me. He doesn't remember raising his hand to me. I'm but sure what to think of all this.

It's not worth it to stay and find out what happens next. I was in an abusive relationship. He didn't hit me until two years in, but at that first sign, I left him. Abusers don't get better.

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Big red flag...BIG...
His history, and these little changes you have noticed. That's not uncommon for an abuser. They put on a good front...play the charming, loving, romantic boyfriend. Once you're hooked and loyal to him, the real guy starts to show.

It always starts small...I encourage you to read about the cycle of abuse. Tension increases until the incident happens. Then he's sorry, loving, romantic. he makes promises that it will never happen again. Or he might say, "well if you had just...xxx...then I wouldn't have done it." somehow displacing the blame onto you. And then you're confident and happy...honeymoon period. Then the tension slowly begins to build again. And then it all happens again...

I regret having not listened to people who tried to warn me...the red flags that I saw. 13 years later, I am out...but we have kids and he still has control. He didn't ever physically hurt me...but he was controlling, manipulative, anger issues - throwing things and holes in walls, and then he started raping me.

You deserve to be loved and cherished. and treated like a princess.

All it takes is ONE TIME. The First time he actually does hit you, if you stay, he will continue. The more you let him get away with, the worse it will get! I learn that from to abusive husbands! If I had left at the first sign of trouble, I wouldn't have wasted 16 years of my life!

Mine was also a changed man when we started dating. He treated me like a princess for almost 3 years when his true colours started to show.

I think he kept it in check for so long because I broke up with him after I fell pregnant and he was committed to making me trust him.... but not for the right reasons

2 more years of red flags ( controlling manipulative behavior) and 2 physical instances of being choked and I still made excuses for him. I still thought he just slipped up, things will get better... the end of year 5 he finally did what he'd been itching to do all those years and beat me to a pulp.

5 years I wasted on him, and saddest part of all, I let my daughter know and lose a man who was never interested in being a father.
If I had just stayed gone, I would've raised her on my own from the start, because once I left he promptly forgot he had a daughter, although his concience nips at his heels twice a year, so he comes looking for her and I chase him off like a rabid dog.

She saved me though, I didn't leave because he beat me up. I left because I didn't want her growing up like that. I didn't want her paying for my decisions. Leaving wasn't easy, I struggled for nearly 3 years to actually do it.

Whyyy my life story?

Because yours speaks volumes to me.

I only hope that you're smarter and stronger than me, and that you'll run before it gets harder to do so.

Once the cycle starts, its hard to leave, you're invested, committed, and loyal. Plus the honeymoon phases are intoxicating and these jerks know just how to turn on the charm, you won't even recognize its abuse until you have 2 black eyes and some bruised ribs just for show.

Please, I know we're talking worst case scenarios here, but you wouldn't have posted if this was something you could just brush off and ignore. Listen to that voice that prompted this post, don't be another statistic. Please

well all i can say is time to leave. hope u make the right choice! tc

He doesn't deserve u at all. Get out while you can xxx abuse is a horrible thing to live through and will only cause more mental issues. U deserve a good life xxx

Have any of you experienced a man raising his hand to you and then later hitting you?

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Threatening to hit with (with that gesture of a raised hand) is something to be very concerned about. I agree that violence is unacceptable. But - in the context of what you described in your post about this - he did this in reaction to your having thrown water at him. Now - you stated that this was "playing". Did he figure it was "playing"? Do you think it appropriate for someone to throw water on someone else?

Well in 2 years I've never thrown water on him but according to him that is one of his pet peeves...I did it once and he kinda sighed a minute or 2 later when I did it again he got upset and he says it was hot...but it was tap water and I was washing dishes so it wasn't too hot for that...I just don't know what to think of all of it. Its just weird to me that he doesn't remember raising his hand....he also said I was being mean all day and I agree I was so I guess he wasn't in the passing mood? I'm very playful. Sometimes I play too much. I've been guilty of playing too much with other guys I've been saying and just some of my girl friends...

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nobody should EVER be abused.

unacceptable

Been stuck in that situation ended up with a broken wrist.. beaten up. Not worth waiting Love does not have to hurt and would really hate for another person to find out like I did. Get safe

Real men DO NOT hit girls/women P.E.R.I.O.D. !!

I am sorry things got like this...God knows I have been pissed at my wife but I have NEVER even considered hitting her....never even raised my hand at her.

I am sure its gonna hurt but break it off clean and for good...DO NOT give in for any reason...this is about YOU not him. Be safe my dear!

I think you need to get in the wind. You've nothing holding you to this dude...no kids, no contracts at the county. Leave.

Yep, me.

It was also, " I don't remember doing that" and then when I didn't buy that excuse it was because he was pissed off (but he was fine 5 seconds ago) and lord knows what else, because it happened on more than 1 occasion and none of those were ever his fault.

Sometimes he would raise his hand, but then bunch them both into fists and storm out the door instead of following through. I stupidly thought that meant I could trust him. That he would rather walk it off than strike me, that he had his temper under control.

Silly me didn't know he was only biding his time.

Silly me didn't know there was a difference between being hot headed and being an abuser.

Silly me was young and without trustworthy resources.

Silly me, I sometimes wish I could go back and save that girl....

It's time to leave. My ex was manipulating and emotionally abusive for years. Wish I had left long before I did.

btw even if he doesnt hit u in future, the fact that he thought of doing it just means he has no respect for u. i once had an idiot grab me in an aggressive way and today i regret not have ended it right away. he had no respect for me at all. u deserved to be respected. tc

What he did was to threaten you. Even though he didn't actually hit you, he was threatening to. That is not okay. It is not normal for males to threaten females, like that. You would have a right to expect him to sit down and chew this incident over with you right down to the bone.

When the two of you do that, he should not get away with the notion that threats don't count. He may well say, "I would hurt myself, before I would ever hurt you." That's no good. He owes you a humble and abject apology. If you don't demand that of him, then he will take it that he can go that far . . . and he will again.

I've been down this road with a male sibling. I didn't make a big deal out of a threat, thinking that I didn't want to sour things between us. That was a mistake. Men who have a tendency toward violence need to confront a zero tolerance attitude from the folks around them.

Yea that screams dangerous to me. It starts with a simple raising of his hand then it progresses from there. Get out while you can. Or before you're too afraid to

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Absolutely.

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Agree with you within reason. If some random crazed woman came charging down the street at me with a knife and tried to stab me, then she would get hit.

Obviously that's not what's happened with the OP and I think she should leave this man.