[niceguy]

I have just done the unthinkable. I finally let go.
They returned today, unexpectabtly, as I had secretly hoped. Yet I realised too much has happened, we cannot I back and rewrite the past. It is what it is.

I explained I missed them and I was sorry or my part in it all- which I really am. I didn't completely tell all- but to bring all that up would result in another circle, one of which I cannot do anymore. So I blocked them, it was the last direct contact they had to me. There is no going back this time.
I only wish that they really did love me as much as I loved them. This will never happen. As I have said earlier, with the song choice: "I'm giving up on you"...
Emancipation at last, but freedom comes with a tear; for what we could have been; for what we will never be.
Goodbye my love...

[lightinthesky]

wish I was more like you
I said goodbye so many times that I lost count. .
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[niceguy]

Um, trust me this has been going on for years. Literally.
Tell me some about how your feeling

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by niceguy

Um, trust me this has been going on for years. Literally.
Tell me some about how your feeling

for years? oh well, I am on my fifth month so far I am still proud of you, I wish we didn't need so much time. I had to go and see my therapist again and I feel better today to be honest.. I don't know for how long but I do.

Good for you. This is the first big step. And also, in some regard, the last big one. Time will heal.

[Frankbtl]

Hi niceguy, must have been quite a wrench even knowing (deep down) that you were doing the right thing. Sometimes what we want (however badly) can be so far away from what we actually need. And the relationship with them sounded like something you really didn't need in your life. And "too much water under the bridge", right?
But perhaps see it more as they missed out!! From what you say you could have given them so much.
Although the "what could have been" you know realistically (?) it sounds like that leaned more towards longerterm pain/heartache overall for you. And with some people/the power they have over you things like that can hurt SO MUCH.
But maybe one day, if you want, you'll be able to look back on the good times with them without the pain and even smile while KNOWING you've done exactly the right thing.
And one day with someone who is really right for you and loves you just forbeing you.
It can take time, as in grieving for the ending of the relationship....but there CAN be brighter skies.
Hey, why am I telling YOU this? YOU know right- and probably a lot more!
So maybe all I can say is I know where you're coming from, I know it's got to hurt, and there for you if you want to talk/want some support..........
Alison

I'm sorry for the sense of loss you feel, even though you've made the healthiest decision for yourself. It's like losing a part of you, and it's going to hurt for a while, but then you do go on, and you learn that you feel better without the extra weight bogging you down.

[niceguy]

Thanks for all the support, guys. I woke this morning after terriable sleep, wondering if i have done the right thing. Knowing just how much it hurts-knowing this time i was the one deciding to walk away.

It must be the right decision. The right decisions always hurt the most.

The thing is, I always said i would be there for them. Love them unconditionally and I feel as if i have let them down. Lied about the worst thing you could. Things are swirling around in my head, that what if they really need me and i have just turned away, like so many others have from them.

Although, on the other hand, i finally recognize it is not up to me to save them. However, the reality that they could be hurting -breaks my heart further. I had to, though. I had to let go. I could not go on this rollercoaster ride one more time.

Still, what if? I hate these thoughts. Everyone, please tell me i did do the right thing.

Thanks,

Mother birds actually kick their babies out of the nest, when the time comes. It's the only way they learn to fly on their own. Probably hurts mother bird very much.

[Frankbtl]

Hi, sounds like they turned away from you, if not physically then emotionally. They just made themselves out of reach (whether it was intentional or down to their circumstances). And maybe your unconditional love wasn't something they were able to feel or accept in their lives (and that doesn't mean because it was you) so however much you loved/were there for them that still wasn't going to give them what they really needed/wanted (whatever that may be) and was only going to tear you apart.
Something tells me that a relationship (a "proper" relationship) wasn't really something they needed anyway to help them with their problems, do you think??
In fact all the things that come along with a relationship like trust, commitment....might have even made things hard for them alongside everything else, maybe??
And really you tried your best, didn't you? You gave it your all. Sometimes that's all we can do.
And it's not that it wasn't up to you to save them really, it's more a matter of someone needing to save themselves. Of course they can need someone else to empower them to do that, but if they simply aren't ready or not in a place to be helped then whatever someone else does isn't going to make that much of a difference.
Now I dare say you gave them some "tools" to be doing that during your relationship, and maybe there's a chance at some point they'll look back and use some of those "tools" you gave them to try to help themselves as well. But there's only so much you can do.
And the "what if", you know it was possibly headed to being even worse if it carried on.
So, yes, I'd would definitely say you did the right thing!! And really admire your strength even though I know it must be hurting right now.
And no arguing with me!! but you have got great perception, sensitivity and insight so maybe trust in that a little more. Underneath (deep down) you know you needed to let go and it was the right thing to do, so just try to have a little more faith in that (I really know that can be hard but....).
Alison

[niceguy]

Wow, you are awesome hon!!

The world should be full of people like you... that is all.

I hope that the one you have discussed, grants you the opportunity to set the wrongs to right as well. You deserve all the happiness in the world

Many hugs and kisses for that

[live2ski66]

Congratulations! I tried many times, and was able to get time to establish a new boundaries but then my father died and all he'll broke loose. The game was how much can we beat up on Monique. I tried to figure out a solution, it came from my History studies at the University. Back in the day of Christopher Columbus, the higher ups would burn the boats so that the sailors and military had no option but to go forward without looking back. I've been studying this time period for my Masters and decided if it worked for Columbus, it might work for me. I dropped a "tactical nuclear weapon" in the center of the family and it went off, affecting most everyone directly or indirectly. I said my peace as clear, more graphic than I had in the past and walked away. The "bomb" was like burning the boats, I will never go back. I won't go running back every time they claim someone is sick, they've changed, the miss me. I admire your ability to walk out peacefully. Congrats!

[niceguy]

Very interesting perspective - and I like it @ live

It has taken me years to get here. Many metaphorical bombs have been dropped from both sides- to the point, to restart it would result in yet another battle. I had to disengage to avoid yet another war!!

[eskielover]

I think the words my H spoke at the time he realized I had enough when i bought my farm 2100 miles away & had refused to allow him to be a part of that.....he said he thought I would continue tolerating him forever....they don't believe that we will ever have ENOUGH after wasting 33 years tolerating him. It's been over 6 years & the only reason I haven't finished the divorce is because I'm trying to figure out if i can even get back there to get everything i left & what to claim as mine in the divorce

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Originally Posted by niceguy

It must be the right decision. The right decisions always hurt the most.

This. So much this.

[niceguy]

I am having a particularly hard time today. I am wondering if they are ok. I visited with my shrink today. It was only the second time. She is very self absorbed and I found myself listening, offering advice and questioning her position as she talked mindlessly about her husband and his ill-health. I sat there wondering, why am I listening to this- when you should be asking me, how I have dealt With the emotional termination of my true hearts relationship. I understand I really do seem normal on the outer, and down to earth in the outside. Yet, my heart is broken. I am broken. Stronger for my choice, but broken hearted
For admitting defeat- that is, I could not fix them. All I needed was, for once, someone to see through that and fix me- or at least ask what is going on. All I got was her talking incessantly about herself. It's not fair.
You guys out there reading this seem to care far more.
Tell me my friends- would they hate me for turning away? Do they still love me? Did they in fact love me? Will they still fight and find a way to contact me. They know they could reach me by some means if they really wanted. I think I still want them to try- is that wrong? They were perfect in my eyes at one time- because they were self assured. Amazing. I'd give anything to see them as that again. I am rambling now. Help!!

[Frankbtl]

Hi niceguy, it sounds like you've struck really unlucky with the shrink you've got. But although she may have seemed like what you're going through didn't matter, wasn't that important, YOU know it IS and WE know it IS. So I hope you're seeing it as HER failing in the way she treated you. I'd say she just wasn't up to the job, or even basic human empathy/understanding when you saw her.
As for whether they hate you, that's a hard one........you probably know right now that there can be SO many emotions following a break-up and it can be hard to control whichever one's you're feeling. I know it was you who ended it, but in actuality it was just as much them as well. You gave them plenty of chance to come through with just something but they just didn't and they've got to know that. But they should also know that you really did care about them, if not right now then at some point.
And you showed them that they are capable of having someone truly care about them, so you did give them SO much. It's now maybe as much about them reaching for that/seeing that it in themselves and bring that into finding a way to start making things better for themselves.
As for loving you, they may well have, but probably in their own way. It does sound like they may not have been capable in loving you in the way you loved them though. And probably not through any discriminatory reason, more so perhaps because they just couldn't.
You know they might try to contact you, but if they do then I'd say that it's probably going to hurt both of you in trying to just pick up where you left off. If they do maybe you can advise them on where they need to be going next in turning things around for themselves, but without them at least starting on that path and doing it for themselves then anything more is likely to go down the same tracks as before.
If they don't contact though maybe see it as a good part of your life in many ways but one that would only bring you both further down if it continued?? You DID try your best, you gave them everything. And you know you may well have made a positive impact on their lives too, somewhere deep down there.
And although you may not see them the way they were again, you can still see that in memories so maybe honour those memories in your mind (know that things changed but.....). You DID try, you DID go for it but sometimes things can only go so far.
And YOU, you know you have it in you, probably without even trying/without even thinking about it in having that real connection with someone, in loving and being loved by someone.
Now you deserve happiness just as much as your now ex, you know that don't you?? So maybe while giving yourself time to let go, allow yourself to feel and believe that. If they ever appear again then see where you're/they're at but it's the here and now that really matters and just allow yourself to gradually/slowly find connections/things that really matter with others in your life too. And maybe you're going to find someone who is really right for you in that process.
Of course it's going to take time, uncertainties, doubts, pain but you're not on your own. Here for you.
Alison

Originally Posted by niceguy

Tell me my friends- would they hate me for turning away? Do they still love me? Did they in fact love me? Will they still fight and find a way to contact me. They know they could reach me by some means if they really wanted. I think I still want them to try- is that wrong? They were perfect in my eyes at one time- because they were self assured. Amazing. I'd give anything to see them as that again. I am rambling now. Help!!

Ah, the questions. They seemingly appear out of nowhere in situations like this, and become relentless. When do they stop?

There are two ways the questions and uncertainties will stop. 1) If you stop them. If you actively shut them down. For me, that's all but impossible. 2) Time will mean they decrease in frequency and intensity. You'll begin to let go. Eventually. There is no set pattern or time frame for this, but it does happen. Whether the questions go for good, is another thing.

Try not to stress over the what ifs and the what might have beens. The decision you made was one you needed to make. If the questions continue to stress you out, try to answer them. "Would they hate me for turning away?" Possibly, but what choice did you have? The hurt door swings both ways, and it sounds like it was open in your direction for far too long. "Do they still love me? Did they in fact love me?" Would it change the situation if they did or didn't? What happened in the past cannot be changed. As for the present, believe what you need to believe in order to make it through the day.

Just know that your relationship with this individual was what what you needed at the time. And you don't need it any more, or you wouldn't have ended it. And if it wasn't what you needed, well, then you've done a great job in ridding yourself of something unnecessary. No matter what, there is an angle that you can look at this situation and spin it so that you realize this choice was right.

It hurts. It will continue to hurt. But eventually, it won't. And you'll realize that you made the right choice.

*hugs*

Oh, and regarding the shrink. What she did was unprofessional. That said, she is human. She is in a position where she is dealing with a lot of stressful information. She should have been focused on you, but she made a mistake. I suggest you speak to her about this if you haven't already. Be firm and clear about your expectations for the session - you are there to work on you, not her. If she has issues to contend with, she should not be bringing them to work with her and if she can't leave them behind, perhaps you need someone new.

[niceguy]

Ali-your amazing. You know me better than I think I know myself. That is all.

Rabbit, I don't know why you called yourself frightened- seems to me you have strength and wisdom beyond everything.

I appreciate all the actual advice. I don't mean to sound ungrateful to the shrink, to be fair, I am so used to playing councillor among my friends, family, clients etc- that if someone starts talking, I automatically turn into the sympathetic ear. It was jut really frustrating because I wanted to get it off my chest and hear (as I had from you guys) that it was the right decision.

Many hugs,thanks and kisses to you both Xx

You may need a new shrink. Sometimes it takes a while to find a good fit. It isn't always that they're not effective, although sometimes it is, but even a great shrink can be not a good match with the client, and somebody else would be better.

[Frankbtl]

You're welcome!! Anytime............!!

Alison

[niceguy]

Hi 'Lovebird', yeah- you could be right. I feel really bad, though- to move onto someone else. It's kind of rude, isn't it?

Anyways, everyone I am doing much better today. Feeling good. This support network, i think is making everything easier on me. Not sure therapy was the right decision for me, in the first place. I just wanted some answers, that i couldn't get elsewhere.
The thing is, i feel that she sees me as far too normal- which subsequently, has given her the impression, we are just there for a chat. However, as i have said, while i enjoy helping friends and family- it can become draining. She is a lovely lady. Means well, but i think, if it is not really doing me any favours, i really shouldn't continue.

But i feel bad.... anyway, it is only meant to be six sessions, so i might just reevaluate at the end of that.
Thanks to all of the special people here, who are rocking my world-!!!

When I started my own therapy sessions (the most recent bout, as I've seen several therapists over the course of my life), we began discussing the things that I thought were the issue. We worked out a few goals for the time and revisited them regularly. As the time passed, the four sessions I was to start with extended to eight, and we explored many new avenues. Together we uncovered many concerns that I had, that I didn't even realize I had. Halfway through our sessions, we began to work on meditative techniques. Those were my favourite ten minutes of every session. They centred me. We decided I might need up to twelve sessions with her to explore what I needed to explore. But in the end, we used ten. Why am I telling you all of this? Because therapy isn't always what you expect it will be. You do need to be ready and willing to work; to put yourself in places that aren't fully comfortable. But it is a safe place, and if you develop goals for the sessions and let yourself go with it, you might surprise yourself in what you discover. For me, it was a great experience for the time I needed it. I can't say the same for previous therapy sessions or previous therapists.