8+ years..?

i just wanna be brief... i invested a great deal into the relationship, i was in a long distance relationship for 4 or so years and now; its been ... i dont know the exact date but around 4 years later now (since the separation)and it still feels as if my heart was just ripped out...? shouldn't i be moved on after all this time..? i just dont get it anymore and its ruining my life :/

I think it's great when people are able to move on from a broken relationship shortly after it ends. Sometimes it takes a person a bit longer. And sometimes, a person still grieves for the relationship many years after and wonder why. I don't think there is an appropriate time for grieving a relationship; there are so many factors. You said yourself that you invested a great deal in it. Regardless of what the investment was, I believe you are still allowed to feel the grief. However, if the grief of losing the relationship is taking over your every thought, you may want to consider seeing a therapist if you haven't done so already. Perhaps there are underlying issues that you need to resolve before you will be able to move on effectively.

I've experienced some of what you have said. I've been to therapy for it - it definitely helped, but I think there are some days that are harder even with the therapy.

Hi elevated, I'd say that you never can tell how long it's going to take to move on from someone as every relationship and every person is different. And it sounds like you had a really deep emotional investment in this relationship.
Some people say that some breakups can have the same effect as a bereavement and the same/a similar grieving process, and obviously the bereavement process can take a long time to pass through.
I, just like you (!!), would like to see you moving past things a little more easily though. Do you think it might help looking at the ending of the relationship again, with slightly different perspective, to give yourself a little more closure? Maybe it would help you in writing down all the things you're feeling? Maybe you could talk to your therapist for some more support- even edging on grief counseling?
For some people, getting out and meeting new/different people can help a bit in moving on, but that part must be really difficult for you having a social phobia and/or finding it hard to get out, so it is really understandable if the moving on bit is slowed down a bit for you. But perhaps just talking a bit more can help speed things up for you?? Whether that's here or/and with your therapist.......
Alison

yeah, i was naive i guess

i went the route of "trying to just be friends" ; i can kind see how it would be easier to have gone another route but i dont want to hurt her and would like to continue a friendship with her still

but then sometimes i feel like im being a fool and making it harder - feels like so much lost time :/

Are you still in contact with her now? I think your last comment confused me a bit about the current situation.

i send her emails, not every day.. but every now and then :/
she doesnt reply very often because of her job apparently

i know this is probably a bad thing for me, to email her

It's harder, to step away from an old romantic relationship, when there's still the whole, 'lets remain friends', dangling somewhere a minuscule chance, that maybe, perhaps, down the road, if circumstances change, even though it can't happen right now, reconciliation could occur. Kind of in a back pocketed type of way.

Sometimes, a clean break, is the best path to recovering from a break up.

Feelings still exist, albeit hurt ones, and, it can become a habitual friendship, with a past history.

Take it easy on yourself, this sounds torturing.

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Hi, I've got to agree that it sounds like you do really need to make a clean break to be able to move on. While you're still in contact I'm guessing your thoughts about her are going to still be focused quite a bit on the possibility it could be more/could have been more, the fact that she isn't in your life and the breakup?? That's a lot to be putting yourself through.
And I'd say, you've been through enough pain and you really do DESERVE to move on now.
Now you tried hard with the relationship, you gave it your best, you did all you could so now it's time to allow yourself the chance (given time) to find someone else who will really be there, right alongside you through "thick and thin".
And it all begins with starting to really let go.
Alison

I was in a relationship for 4 year that meant the world for me! I would literally die for my partner without even thinking if it's worth it or not, but it ended and not by my choice. My advice to you - if it's over then make a decision to let it go, stop the contact. You won't be good friends now, if you want to try to be friends, try it few years later after no contact but just think if you really need that friendship because it might hurt very very much. The less you know and see and hear, the less pain you feel. I know it is hard and you can't just pretend like this person means nothing to you and he never existed in your life but unfortunately usually it gets to a point when it is so bad that you gotta bring yourself back to life and nobody can help you but you. Even seeing a therapist would be one of the decisions you need to make.
But trust me, everyone who went through this probably will agree that you are better of not talking to her and not seeing her, when it's over then it's over and you need to do everything it takes to survive.
Take care

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I think I know why you're still hurting so much four years out.

It's up to you, whether or not you think you can handle this type of relationship with her. But if it's hurting you as much as it seems to be, you might need to cut off the contact one and for all. I know...that's just as painful, if not worse.

It can be hard to move on if you don't find somewhere to move on to. If you are just waiting for things to "get better" that isn't going to happen I don't think since nothing's happening. Take up a new task, start a new relationship, change jobs, go to school, move, get involved in something in another area of your life and that will help move all of you forward.

thanks for all the caring responses,

i have been feeling that i need to make "a clean break" lately too... since her replies were becoming more vague and less frequent

when she broke up with me she was with someone else, which she probably is still with him..

i am seeing a therapist but we haven't talked about it much, i guess theres so much mud covering all these things up my T is probably having difficult time with me!

i feel as if i don't know how to find or make new friendships much less a relationship, all i've been trying to do lately is let myself be myself and open up so i can be myself, if that makes sense

i live in the sticks and im extremely introverted, im not bad looking but have terrible self esteem.. and confidence in myself, i have been patient with myself through the hurt but i figured that if i grieve for 1 year every for every year i was with her i would heal.. but now i guess im starting to realize if i just sit here and do nothing, and just wait for something to change, its not gonna happen.. but i dont really know how to make these positive changes now since its been so so long

i just drag myself to the doctors appointments and therapist hoping that i can find the light at the end of the tunnel because god knows im running down a dark tunnel and looking for it!

thanks again for the support

My advice?

Watch the movie Swingers, always makes me feel better about a breakup.

Seriously though (actually I was a little serious about that) I completely understand, I have gone through the same thing before, with my HS love, I had to move for college and I broke her heart. I did not want to move, I was forced to by my parents. I tried to stay in contact and made plans to move back home and all that, but by that time it was too late, and three years later I was still babbling to my friend about her. It ended when I met someone else.

You just got to get back out there man. It's hard, especially with your phobias in your signature, I get it. I'd be your wingman if you were closer. I've never been good at just going up to a girl and getting the number, but i've always had a girlfriend in one form or another, that's part of my problem, require relationship to validate self. No good.

Edit:

Opening scene
Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?
Rob: You don't call.
Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.
Rob: Right.
Mike: So I don't call either way?
Rob: Right.
Mike: So what's the difference?
Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.
Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?
Rob: Right.
Mike: Well that sucks.
Rob: Yeah, it sucks.
Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?
Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.
Mike: What do you mean?
Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.
Mike: Well what if she comes back first?
Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.
Mike: There's the rub.
Rob: There's the rub.

Hi elevated, yes I'd say talking to your T about it a bit more would be good because all of this is probably holding you back a lot more than you think??
And it may be a really long road but it might just give you just a chink of light at the end of the tunnel, every little helps right??
But this bit: "all i've been trying to do lately is let myself be myself and open up so i can be myself"........that's a great way to go!! I'm guessing it's not all that easy but the more you're working on/doing it the more familiar it's going to get, given time.
And do you think it's going to help a little with your self esteem?? If you're not judging yourself so much, less afraid/reluctant to just be who you are and gradually let people see more of you??
But making friendships (maybe focus on relationships a little further down the line?) can just start bit by bit. Don't go out there thinking I'm going to/I have to make friends, that all sounds a bit intimidating, but rather you're just going to meet/bump into people/be where they are and maybe (if not at first then later) say a few words to them............just lead into things very gradually and see where they go.
So maybe it's just about doing something, even the smallest thing can be really positive in itself, and in time lead onto/build into...............
Alison
P.S It definitely sounds like you deserve more than your ex, so allow yourself some time, some more healing, and one day.................