[Broncos38]

I have a learning disability and she has epilepsy. She doesn't help me when I can't think on my own sometimes. Like she opened an account before I did and they accepted her credit union information and not mine at social security office. And now I'm stuck with a stupid payee rep that I can't have my full amount. But I got angry and upset with my fiancee about this and not helping me when I needed it the most.

[A Red Panda]

I'm not sure how she could have helped you with opening an account?

And if she told you that she doesn't completely understand your learning disability.. that sounds like she is trying to be honest with you and is looking for help to understand it more.

[healingme4me]

Did you ask her, for help, when you couldn't 'think on your own'?

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[Broncos38]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Did you ask her, for help, when you couldn't 'think on your own'?

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

cause I didn't think of it and my dad was my payee then before I changed it. No I didn't ask for help and she just assumed that I was not interested like that hurt me.

[venusss]

Originally Posted by Broncos38

cause I didn't think of it and my dad was my payee then before I changed it. No I didn't ask for help and she just assumed that I was not interested like that hurt me.

So you expect her to read your mind?

How well are YOU reading her mind?

[Broncos38]

Well I expected for her to help me and now it is too late to make any changes to have my social security into my account and now I have call society assets to have my money into my account that I just opened up a few days ago. She opened hers two weeks before the agency took over. This is why I got upset about before she didn't even talk to me how I felt about it. It's like I have no control over what happens before it's too late. And now she has more money in her account and I got zero. It is like she don't care how I felt.

[healingme4me]

You stated you expected her to help you. Did you specifically ask, and specifically ask how?

The mind reading question, is about how we as humans bring a sense of cognitive distortions, which breed frustrations and resentments.

Which appears evident through your post.

Just trying to help.

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[A Red Panda]

Bronco.... if you don't ask for help, then other people will think that you don't need or want help. You can't expect someone to help you when you haven't asked for it.

Like.. if you are having a really hard time lifting something heavy, people will see that and some might offer to help - but that's because they can visually see the struggle. When it's something that's more internal, you have to ask because people cannot know what is going on inside your head unless you share that with them.

For example - I have a really hard time doing confrontations of any kind. It causes me a huge amount of anxiety. Some of my friends at work are aware of this as I've talked about it with them enough. To the point that they'll just offer me suggestions to try and help if I have to do something that will involve it. Sometimes they've even just stayed with me while I had the quick conversation - one of my friends even sat in the room with me while I made an important phone call. I did not ask for that help, but that is because I had talked with them many times about that SPECIFIC problem of mine. Those same, very kind and helpful people, are utterly unable to help me with other problems I have because I have not told them about it. If those friends were to start jumping in with everything that might concievably make me feel stressed.... well, I would be annoyed with them.

Perhaps your girlfriend doesn't want you to feel like she's infantailizing you, or controlling you. She may not want to step in and take charge over every aspect of your life because that isn't fair to her and it would lead to resentment from you. She has no way to know what you would like help with, unless you tell her.

Have you asked her why she didn't help you? You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about her, without having any input from her. None of us, you included, can say what she thinks or feels about it. She might not even know that you're upset with her about that.

[venusss]

Red Panda makes good point. I am personally of the people who gets annoyed when people try to "help" me with things I am capable of handling myself. Or feel I ought to be capable of doing it ("NO, I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP CARRYING MY LUGGAGE, I CAN CARRY IT MYSELF!").

She admitted she doesn't understand your problem... so she probably doesn't know what she should do for you.

[A Red Panda]

((Off-topic, sorry: Venus... I've done the same thing "no thanks, I really don't need help lugging this 70lb giant suitcase down those stairs.. yes, I know that I'm ALSO dragging a 50lb smaller one at the same time, and yes, I know that I am also wearing a 15lb backpack... yes, I know that that is almost my entire body weight... no... no thanks..."))

You really do need to make things clear to her. And likely multiple times. It isn't her job to step in and do things for you, because she's not being paid to be your assistant. She's your girlfriend and I am sure that she wants to help, but she isn't trained or qualified to know how to help you. That's your job - to inform her and help her understand.

[Broncos38]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Bronco.... if you don't ask for help, then other people will think that you don't need or want help. You can't expect someone to help you when you haven't asked for it.

Like.. if you are having a really hard time lifting something heavy, people will see that and some might offer to help - but that's because they can visually see the struggle. When it's something that's more internal, you have to ask because people cannot know what is going on inside your head unless you share that with them.

For example - I have a really hard time doing confrontations of any kind. It causes me a huge amount of anxiety. Some of my friends at work are aware of this as I've talked about it with them enough. To the point that they'll just offer me suggestions to try and help if I have to do something that will involve it. Sometimes they've even just stayed with me while I had the quick conversation - one of my friends even sat in the room with me while I made an important phone call. I did not ask for that help, but that is because I had talked with them many times about that SPECIFIC problem of mine. Those same, very kind and helpful people, are utterly unable to help me with other problems I have because I have not told them about it. If those friends were to start jumping in with everything that might concievably make me feel stressed.... well, I would be annoyed with them.

Perhaps your girlfriend doesn't want you to feel like she's infantailizing you, or controlling you. She may not want to step in and take charge over every aspect of your life because that isn't fair to her and it would lead to resentment from you. She has no way to know what you would like help with, unless you tell her.

Have you asked her why she didn't help you? You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about her, without having any input from her. None of us, you included, can say what she thinks or feels about it. She might not even know that you're upset with her about that.

Well the reason I was upset about was how she said she didn't understand my disability completely then I took it the wrong way. But I was fine before this happening. I feel as though she didn't want to help then all of a sudden she wants to after i told her how i felt. It felt like she didn't think how i felt about it like she ask me if i wanted a account when she opened up one. I told her that we're a team working together. But no she didn't even bother with asking me before she opened an account. Am i supposed to tell that I want one like she did it without asking me if i wanted to open one like she didn't offer. It's not fair and now I can't get my money in my account like she did.

[venusss]

DOn't you have to open your account in person anyways?

She cannot ask you for everything. If you need something, you tell her.

[A Red Panda]

I don't fully understand your post?

So after you told her that you felt upset, she offered to help? That's great! Then you told her that you're not a team? If I was told I wasn't part of a team, I would do my own thing and not worry about the other person as saying we're not a team means they want to do things on their own... so I would have opened an account on my own too. And then you were upset that she did her own thing?

She probably didn't want to help at the start because she figured you were perfectly capable of doing it yourself and didn't see a reason to help or think that you needed it. It sounds like if you expressed your need, she was then willing to help and you declined that help. And now you're upset that she didn't help.

I am a bit confused, so I might have misinterpreted what you said. Could you clarify your post for me?

[Broncos38]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

I don't fully understand your post?

So after you told her that you felt upset, she offered to help? That's great! Then you told her that you're not a team? She assumed I was not interested at the time wasn't part of a team, I would do my own thing and not worry about the other person as saying we're not a team means they want to do things on their own... so I would have opened an account on my own too. And then you were upset that she did her own thing?

She probably didn't want to help at the start because she figured you were perfectly capable of doing it yourself and didn't see a reason to help or think that you needed it. It sounds like if you expressed your need, she was then willing to help and you declined that help. And now you're upset that she didn't help.

I am a bit confused, so I might have misinterpreted what you said. Could you clarify your post for me?

What I mean is that she told me that I wasn't interested in opening an account when she did but now how am I going to get my money into my account like she did. This whole thing is crazy cause I hate when she make assumptions like this like she don't even care. How am I supposed to do deal with this and its difficult for me the way I can't think for myself sometimes. But we're supposed to be a team not a one person team.

[A Red Panda]

Did you tell her when she was opening her account that you also wanted to open up one? Like... honestly, I would never suspect that someone else wanted to open up an account at the same time as me, and with the same company as me. I view finances as something very personal and not a joint-thing unless it was a very commited relationship (as in, married or common-law or at least living-with-each-other-for-a-long-time). Then again... I've had a bank account since I was 5 and can't imagine only just opening one up when an adult/teen (I don't know how old you are, sorry).

She's not really making assumptions though. Unless you've told her "I need help with my finances and setting things up" then she is responding as she would to anyone else - unfortunately needing help with setting up finances is in the minority, and she has no way to know that you're in that minority unless you have told her and asked for her help before she did her own.

I don't see why you can't go to the bank and say "I'd like to deposit this money into my account".... that's what banks are for. I also do not understand why you couldn't open up your account in a similar way to her. What does doing it at a later date have to do with anything? It confuses me.

What does your girlfriend already do to help you with not thinking for yourself? Like.. I suppose I also do not understand your difficulties as you haven't really explained them - aside from saying that you can't think for yourself.

ETA: I just remembered that she's your fiancee,.

[Perna]

It sounds like you need help. I think you would like your fiance to be your helper but Social Security has its own rules and I don't think your fiance can necessarily be your helper, whether you would like that or she would, especially if the two of you are not communicating well enough. If/when you get married, that probably could change and then all the money could go into one account, etc.

It is too bad you and she did not know to talk to each other about money and opening accounts; I guess she is use to doing her stuff on her own and not yet being part of a team. That takes good communication and lots of practice :-)

[Broncos38]

Originally Posted by Perna

It sounds like you need help. I think you would like your fiance to be your helper but Social Security has its own rules and I don't think your fiance can necessarily be your helper, whether you would like that or she would, especially if the two of you are not communicating well enough. If/when you get married, that probably could change and then all the money could go into one account, etc.

It is too bad you and she did not know to talk to each other about money and opening accounts; I guess she is use to doing her stuff on her own and not yet being part of a team. That takes good communication and lots of practice :-)

It seems like she should of suggested to me but I can't do anything about it cause it's completely out of my control. What am I supposed to do when things get difficult like she cares.

[hamster-bamster]

Bronco,

Your posts are hard to understand - that is probably (most likely, I would think) your learning disability "at play". Re-read the thread and you will notice that different posters have asked you clarifying questions. Now, you were not in a rush, I assume, when you wrote your posts, and still, they lack coherence. I can only imagine how much difficulty communicating you would experience if:

1. You switch from written to spoken language.
2. You are rushed.
3. You are under stress.

From that I can deduce that she must be having a hard time understanding your intentions, plans, and needs. You say that she doesn't understand your learning disability, and, of course, I believe you. The issue that is of paramount importance is whether YOU understand your learning disability. When YOU understand it and when YOU know what accommodations, special arrangements, etc. You need to make yourself understood, THEN you can start explaining it to her.

Who diagnosed you with a learning disability, when did it happen, and what kind of remedial help is available to you?

Sent from my SGH-T889 using Tapatalk

[Broncos38]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Bronco,

Your posts are hard to understand - that is probably (most likely, I would think) your learning disability "at play". Re-read the thread and you will notice that different posters have asked you clarifying questions. Now, you were not in a rush, I assume, when you wrote your posts, and still, they lack coherence. I can only imagine how much difficulty communicating you would experience if:

1. You switch from written to spoken language.
2. You are rushed.
3. You are under stress.

From that I can deduce that she must be having a hard time understanding your intentions, plans, and needs. You say that she doesn't understand your learning disability, and, of course, I believe you. The issue that is of paramount importance is whether YOU understand your learning disability. When YOU understand it and when YOU know what accommodations, special arrangements, etc. You need to make yourself understood, THEN you can start explaining it to her.

Who diagnosed you with a learning disability, when did it happen, and what kind of remedial help is available to you?

Sent from my SGH-T889 using Tapatalk

Maybe I'm just plain stupid! I feel like I can't or grasp onto anything anymore. I'm almost 34.

[hamster-bamster]

Not stupid, no, but in need of help. So you are 34. Were you diagnosed in college or earlier? It sounds to me that the remedial assistance has been non-existent in your life. There are so many ways people with LD's can get quality help these days...

Sent from my SGH-T889 using Tapatalk

[Broncos38]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Not stupid, no, but in need of help. So you are 34. Were you diagnosed in college or earlier? It sounds to me that the remedial assistance has been non-existent in your life. There are so many ways people with LD's can get quality help these days...

Sent from my SGH-T889 using Tapatalk

I didn't start walking until I was 2 years old. But speech and language wasn't that great either. I had to repeat 1st grade. I was in special needs through grade school through college. Do you guys would think my fiancee would help me if I asked for it I doubt it. I really hate when I live with that I can't have it yet. It's like my fiancee doesn't care how I feel and I have to wait things out longer than I have to. It's not fair. What am supposed to do I ask her when it's too late. I have no freedom with my money that I have worked into for 10 years. I hate my disability and I asked my fiancee several times what she would do but she doesn't answer me. I told her she should find someone else when I was going through frustration. Maybe we're just two different people with separate disabilities. Like she cares about me from day one.

[A Red Panda]

You're making a lot of assumptions about her in your posts, you know. That isn't being helpful to yourself at all - you're assuming that she doesn't care, that she wouldn't help if she knew how, that she should be able to just magically know when you need help, that she should anticipate all of your needs on her own and just take care of you, etc etc.

Are you comfortable sharing your diagnosis with us? It might help some of us understand where you're coming from a bit better, as we could look it up and get ourselves an overview. It's clear that communication is a big challenge for you (and who wouldn't be super frustrated with that!) so we could try and help by reading about it ourselves a little bit.

What does your fiancee have as a disability? Perhaps she is having struggles and needs that you aren't meeting as well - there may be some mutual struggles that are conflicting right now.

I'm going to list off a bunch of questions that may or may not be relevant, but they're from things you have said in your posts. (I'm trying to help get myself a clear picture of your situation, because it really isn't very clear to me right now?)

1. What sort of account are you actually trying to open? Is it a savings/chequing account, a loan?
2. Why could you not have your dad help with this account set up?
3. Why is your account set up different from your fiancee's? (This is something that is clearly making you upset, but I cannot even imagine what could make it so that you couldn't have a similar account...)
4. Could you list out the order of events?
(eg.
A. We have discussed my need to have her help with financial and legal issues, and then
B. we were talking about setting up these accounts.
C. I asked her for help but
D. she set up an account on her own.
E. When I learned that, I was upset and told her so.
Finally, F. she told me that she didn't understand my disability) Now, I'm 98% positive that what I've written is completely incorrect. Could you please help me understand how things went? Try writing it into a list and move things around until they're all in the correct order, because I can't tell what happened first.
5. How long have you and your fiancee been together, and why does she not help you?
6. Who else is in your support system? (Who else helps you.. family memers, any workers?)

[Broncos38]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

You're making a lot of assumptions about her in your posts, you know. That isn't being helpful to yourself at all - you're assuming that she doesn't care, that she wouldn't help if she knew how, that she should be able to just magically know when you need help, that she should anticipate all of your needs on her own and just take care of you, etc etc.

Are you comfortable sharing your diagnosis with us? It might help some of us understand where you're coming from a bit better, as we could look it up and get ourselves an overview. It's clear that communication is a big challenge for you (and who wouldn't be super frustrated with that!) so we could try and help by reading about it ourselves a little bit.

What does your fiancee have as a disability? Perhaps she is having struggles and needs that you aren't meeting as well - there may be some mutual struggles that are conflicting right now.

I'm going to list off a bunch of questions that may or may not be relevant, but they're from things you have said in your posts. (I'm trying to help get myself a clear picture of your situation, because it really isn't very clear to me right now?)

1. What sort of account are you actually trying to open? Is it a savings/chequing account, a loan?
2. Why could you not have your dad help with this account set up?
3. Why is your account set up different from your fiancee's? (This is something that is clearly making you upset, but I cannot even imagine what could make it so that you couldn't have a similar account...)
4. Could you list out the order of events?
(eg.
A. We have discussed my need to have her help with financial and legal issues, and then
B. we were talking about setting up these accounts.
C. I asked her for help but
D. she set up an account on her own.
E. When I learned that, I was upset and told her so.
Finally, F. she told me that she didn't understand my disability) Now, I'm 98% positive that what I've written is completely incorrect. Could you please help me understand how things went? Try writing it into a list and move things around until they're all in the correct order, because I can't tell what happened first.
5. How long have you and your fiancee been together, and why does she not help you?
6. Who else is in your support system? (Who else helps you.. family memers, any workers?)

My dad was my payee but I switched over to an agency then before we went to Ss office she switched banks before she got her new account opened. But she got her money before I did. I called my other account institution but the lady said that I can my money to closest credit union which is 21 miles or so. I went there and found out that I can't get to money cause my dad was my payee. I drove there for nothing. I was sent on a wild goose chase. Mislead that day. Atleast I got some money coming in from my two but it's not allot though. It's like I can't have what I earned yet. How my disability works I can't think of everything either like it's my fault or something for not communitcating to her better. It's like I can't think ahead of time like I'm stupid. Then I am stuck now. My account is checking and savings account. An I supposed this stuff all the time. To me it seems like she don't care.

[A Red Panda]

You haven't really answered my questions all that well... could you please try to answer them more fully.. and in a list so that you can include everything in a clear manner?

Absolutely all I know about your difficulties is that you have trouble thinking clearly. That's it. If you have a diagnosis and recieve disability cheques, then there is bound to be more that is causing you difficulty, isn't there?

I do not see why you need to deal with a credit union if you are setting up a chequings/savings account with a bank. You set up an account with a bank, you give them your money, and you withdraw your money. If you recieve disability cheques, then you should be able to deposit them directly in to the bank. If your dad is set up as the payee or something like that, then your fiancee can do nothing about it as she is not your dad. You will need your dad to work with you to sort out whatever the problem actually is. It sounds like it would be easiest for you to have one account, with ONE bank/institution.

Perhaps you should write a list for your fiancee. You can take your time working on it, so that you can eventually include everything. Don't write down things like "I can't think clearly". Write things like "I need help keeping track of my money." "I need help remembering appointment times." etc etc.

You can also do things such as keeping notes somewhere obvious - like a calendar on the fridge where you put down the things that need done - places you need to go. You could make a schedule for any chores that you could see like "Monday: clean bathroom. Tuesday: vacuum. Wednesday: do laundry".

Your fiancee isn't a personal support worker though Bronco. You can't expect her to remember and do everything that you have difficulty with. You could ask her to sit with you and to try and work out the things that you need help with and solutions to help you remember and do them more independently. If you always expect her to know and anticipate your needs, she's going to become frustrated and resentful - she has needs too, and she most likely isn't willing to be completely responsible for two adults.

[Broncos38]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

You haven't really answered my questions all that well... could you please try to answer them more fully.. and in a list so that you can include everything in a clear manner?

Absolutely all I know about your difficulties is that you have trouble thinking clearly. That's it. If you have a diagnosis and recieve disability cheques, then there is bound to be more that is causing you difficulty, isn't there?

I do not see why you need to deal with a credit union if you are setting up a chequings/savings account with a bank. You set up an account with a bank, you give them your money, and you withdraw your money. If you recieve disability cheques, then you should be able to deposit them directly in to the bank. If your dad is set up as the payee or something like that, then your fiancee can do nothing about it as she is not your dad. You will need your dad to work with you to sort out whatever the problem actually is. It sounds like it would be easiest for you to have one account, with ONE bank/institution.

Perhaps you should write a list for your fiancee. You can take your time working on it, so that you can eventually include everything. Don't write down things like "I can't think clearly". Write things like "I need help keeping track of my money." "I need help remembering appointment times." etc etc.

You can also do things such as keeping notes somewhere obvious - like a calendar on the fridge where you put down the things that need done - places you need to go. You could make a schedule for any chores that you could see like "Monday: clean bathroom. Tuesday: vacuum. Wednesday: do laundry".

Your fiancee isn't a personal support worker though Bronco. You can't expect her to remember and do everything that you have difficulty with. You could ask her to sit with you and to try and work out the things that you need help with and solutions to help you remember and do them more independently. If you always expect her to know and anticipate your needs, she's going to become frustrated and resentful - she has needs too, and she most likely isn't willing to be completely responsible for two adults.

Well I guess I have no choice to deal with how things went. It's like I'm not ready for any of this like I saw it coming. It seems like I can't control my life when I want to.