[seekinglogic]

Hello all - I'm in one of the worst situations of my life.
I have been with my partner for five years. Preceding this relationship, I was in about 7 years of bad relationships. My trust was broken in all of them - all three cheated on me and were generally unkind people to me. I almost immediately went into this relationship after I separated from my ex and have since struggled. The man I am with now is great. He has his hiccups, but nothing compared to what I have done. I have never fully trusted him for -what seems like- no reason other than that I struggle to trust myself. In recent years I have fallen into a pit of self deprecation and insecurity. I realize this isn't the most unique complaint, but I'm lost and I want to find the way. My partner had/has a hard drive with years of documents on it. He used to keep a large amount of pornography on it, until he deleted it (I think). I thought he stopped watching porn, until I found out on our recent vacation that he hadn't. He said he watched it every few months. I felt so upset. Of course, I am not without fault. I too have made mistakes, and have repeated countless arguments and struggled to move on from hurtful words or actions. On this hard drive, he also had years of documents that he had saved, as well as pictures he has kept of him and his ex having sex, and just every picture he has ever taken of her. He had pictures of him kissing other women. He said it was just a junk drawer that needed cleaning. After finding out about the porn, I was so angry. When he left for work yesterday, I took the hard drive and poured water on it. I wasn't thinking (which is the problem), and now I have done something so unforgivable and harmful to our relationship, I fear that it is irreparable. (I'm not sure if the hard drive can be repaired). He found out it was wet and I tried to deny it, but then I just admitted to it and said that I did it on purpose. He was okay at first and then the frustration and disappointment escalated. He said that I am his attacker, and he can not trust me. He said that I have never been worthy of trust but he took a gamble on me. Of course there are a lot of inner workings I can not type on here, but I'm reaching out to see if anyone can offer my advice. I don't want to leave, but right now, it seems like it's the only logical choice after this. Can you come back from that? I think I am a smart, loving person, but when things like this happen, I doubt everything about myself. The regret I feel is immeasurable. I feel like I don't deserve to be with him anymore. Does anyone have any advice? Writing on this forum is a desperate measure, so I'm open to comments, advice, constructive criticism. Thank you all.

[gayleggg]

I can understand your being upset by finding these photos on his computer. It's like he hasn't move on. Porngraphy is a common problem these days. Whether the relationship can still work will depend on both of you wanting it to. Things can be forgiven if both people are willing to work on it. Best wishes.

[browning]

wow cant a man jack off these days without his girl complaining

[hvert]

Have you apologized to him?

[realheart00]

Hello dear your story is a long one but I really took time and read it word for word...my dear honestly u need to move on if your man does not want to change...you cannot keep living with a porn addict. Wednesday next week will make it 3wks since I stoped smoking. And I've been smoking pot since 1996. I have daughter who would be a year in june so I had to really think and sit up so I can lay a good example. Let's not keep indulging into sentiments. You were very right by wetting the crazy pono infested hard drive with water...another thing is you can't force anyone to change. Since you know you aint perfect and dropped most of your bad sides why the hell is he refusing to do the same or understand your fears and plights...My dear life is too real to be faked..Now the solution is do you love him?if yes. Do you think he loves you? Because if he does he would buckle up so peace can reign. These are the things that should be checked if not I will say move on and leave your life in a more responsible manner or better still just change bigtime and keep watching him fool himself and don't let him touch you with those pono hands....and if he comes to talk things out you simply tell him you have changed for the better and you don't care about whatever he does again because we all have our lives to live in other words, he better change if not you will move ahead. Tell him you will move so far in life to the extent that he won't be able to set his eyes on you again. Yeah my dear let us call a spade a spade and quit the sentiments because we can handle things peacefully with widom and understanding. Cheers. Please update me by sending me a Pm.

Originally Posted by seekinglogic

Hello all - I'm in one of the worst situations of my life.
I have been with my partner for five years. Preceding this relationship, I was in about 7 years of bad relationships. My trust was broken in all of them - all three cheated on me and were generally unkind people to me. I almost immediately went into this relationship after I separated from my ex and have since struggled. The man I am with now is great. He has his hiccups, but nothing compared to what I have done. I have never fully trusted him for -what seems like- no reason other than that I struggle to trust myself. In recent years I have fallen into a pit of self deprecation and insecurity. I realize this isn't the most unique complaint, but I'm lost and I want to find the way. My partner had/has a hard drive with years of documents on it. He used to keep a large amount of pornography on it, until he deleted it (I think). I thought he stopped watching porn, until I found out on our recent vacation that he hadn't. He said he watched it every few months. I felt so upset. Of course, I am not without fault. I too have made mistakes, and have repeated countless arguments and struggled to move on from hurtful words or actions. On this hard drive, he also had years of documents that he had saved, as well as pictures he has kept of him and his ex having sex, and just every picture he has ever taken of her. He had pictures of him kissing other women. He said it was just a junk drawer that needed cleaning. After finding out about the porn, I was so angry. When he left for work yesterday, I took the hard drive and poured water on it. I wasn't thinking (which is the problem), and now I have done something so unforgivable and harmful to our relationship, I fear that it is irreparable. (I'm not sure if the hard drive can be repaired). He found out it was wet and I tried to deny it, but then I just admitted to it and said that I did it on purpose. He was okay at first and then the frustration and disappointment escalated. He said that I am his attacker, and he can not trust me. He said that I have never been worthy of trust but he took a gamble on me. Of course there are a lot of inner workings I can not type on here, but I'm reaching out to see if anyone can offer my advice. I don't want to leave, but right now, it seems like it's the only logical choice after this. Can you come back from that? I think I am a smart, loving person, but when things like this happen, I doubt everything about myself. The regret I feel is immeasurable. I feel like I don't deserve to be with him anymore. Does anyone have any advice? Writing on this forum is a desperate measure, so I'm open to comments, advice, constructive criticism. Thank you all.

I'm going to be totally honest, because I know if I was in this situation I would want complete honesty in other people's words. I don't want to be insensitive. I also don't want to gloss over anything since sometimes it's hard to accept things for what they are. I struggle with that a lot also. I don't know what either of you are like in real life, and of course I don't know every detail of your relationship's history so I'm just going to do my best here.

Yes, you know that going through his things without his knowledge wasn't fair to him; however him saying you weren't ever worthy of his trust is totally disrespectful and overly dramatic. Especially if he genuinely meant it and didn't say that just out of anger. In a sense, the same thing could be said about him. If you didn't find out about it during your vacation, would you ever have known? Would it have come up at a future time?

It was also disrespectful for him to lie about something so great. I'm not talking about the fact that he had the porn but how you said his ex was also on the drive. Personally, this is not something I would knowingly tolerate for the sake of my own self respect but that's just personal preference. Yeah most guys do look at porn but watching and reminiscing times with your ex is a completely different, higher level of disrespect. Hearing this tells me that you haven't moved on and have things to work on within yourself. In that case, I don't want to be involved with you. Why should I be with you if your mind is still on when you were with someone else?

Logically think about what could've been done differently. He could've decided not to lie to you about his intentions of clearing the drive. And you could've discussed with him how much it bothered you. I'm sure you've thought of this already though. Don't focus on this too much; you don't want to get too down about. The point is so you see what can be done in the future in similar situations.

I'm not saying you have to leave him because of what I told you. I'm not saying you have to stay with him to go against what's generally expected either. I only wrote this so you could see the situation in a different way. Whether or not you'll ultimately stay with him is your decision and yours alone. Completely up to you. You have the power here. Don't forget the tired expression: that we're all humans and make mistakes.

All the best to you.

[ExistingInChanges]

Originally Posted by seekinglogic

Hello all - I'm in one of the worst situations of my life.
I have been with my partner for five years. Preceding this relationship, I was in about 7 years of bad relationships. My trust was broken in all of them - all three cheated on me and were generally unkind people to me. I almost immediately went into this relationship after I separated from my ex and have since struggled. The man I am with now is great. He has his hiccups, but nothing compared to what I have done. I have never fully trusted him for -what seems like- no reason other than that I struggle to trust myself. In recent years I have fallen into a pit of self deprecation and insecurity. I realize this isn't the most unique complaint, but I'm lost and I want to find the way. My partner had/has a hard drive with years of documents on it. He used to keep a large amount of pornography on it, until he deleted it (I think). I thought he stopped watching porn, until I found out on our recent vacation that he hadn't. He said he watched it every few months. I felt so upset. Of course, I am not without fault. I too have made mistakes, and have repeated countless arguments and struggled to move on from hurtful words or actions. On this hard drive, he also had years of documents that he had saved, as well as pictures he has kept of him and his ex having sex, and just every picture he has ever taken of her. He had pictures of him kissing other women. He said it was just a junk drawer that needed cleaning. After finding out about the porn, I was so angry. When he left for work yesterday, I took the hard drive and poured water on it. I wasn't thinking (which is the problem), and now I have done something so unforgivable and harmful to our relationship, I fear that it is irreparable. (I'm not sure if the hard drive can be repaired). He found out it was wet and I tried to deny it, but then I just admitted to it and said that I did it on purpose. He was okay at first and then the frustration and disappointment escalated. He said that I am his attacker, and he can not trust me. He said that I have never been worthy of trust but he took a gamble on me. Of course there are a lot of inner workings I can not type on here, but I'm reaching out to see if anyone can offer my advice. I don't want to leave, but right now, it seems like it's the only logical choice after this. Can you come back from that? I think I am a smart, loving person, but when things like this happen, I doubt everything about myself. The regret I feel is immeasurable. I feel like I don't deserve to be with him anymore. Does anyone have any advice? Writing on this forum is a desperate measure, so I'm open to comments, advice, constructive criticism. Thank you all.

It sounds as if you're taking on all the blame in this. He says "you were never worthy of trust"? Then why is he with you? To use you? To not feel alone?
Maybe the situation could have been handled better where you went in and deleted the porn instead of destroying everything on the disk, but we all have done things we aren't proud of and if he really loves you, he will forgive you.
But do you really want to stay with someone who doesn't trust you?

[ExistingInChanges]

Originally Posted by browning

wow cant a man jack off these days without his girl complaining

I think the issue is he had pictures of his exes and not so much that it was porn in general, but that the guy had feelings for these women at one point in his life.

[Rose76]

People "come back" from way worse stuff than that. What you did could even be put in the category of kinda "comical," compared to lots of other things that people do. It's natural for your s/o to be real mad. It will also be likely that he will get over it. I think you've got a bigger problem than this incident of damaging the hard drive. That would be the whole issue of his being so involved in porn and keeping video of past relationships. That sounds kind of creepy to me. You don't seem to feel to comfortable with it either.

You're a person who can't stand to be without a relationship. So when one ends, you jump into another real quickly . . . too quickly. It's like you are willing to have any guy who is willing to have you. Maybe you need to get more picky. It might take longer to find the right guy, but it might be worth the hunt.

If he has video of sex with an ex, he may have video of you and him being intimate. He may have filmed you without you even knowing it. Or he may want to do that in the future. Be careful of what this guy may try to talk you into. You describe him as "great." He doesn't sound so great to me, but I am not in your shoes. You are seeing yourself as the "bad guy" in all of this . . . someone who may not be worthy of him. I'm not so sure he is worthy of you.

If I were living with a guy, and he liked to amuse himself by looking at pics and videos of a previous woman in his life, I'ld do worse than you did. I'ld probably set the hard drive on fire. There wouldn't be room in the house for it and me. Either me, or the hard drive, would have to go. I'll bet a lot of women would feel that way. You are so focused on criticizing yourself for not being exactly what he wants you to be that you are not looking what do you want in a man . . . and have a right to expect.

You mentioned in your post that you do not trust this man. I think that is the wisest thing you said. You are worried that you don't deserve him??? I wonder if he deserves you. To be honest, I doubt it.

Originally Posted by Rose76

People "come back" from way worse stuff than that. What you did could even be put in the category of kinda "comical," compared to lots of other things that people do. It's natural for your s/o to be real mad. It will also be likely that he will get over it. I think you've got a bigger problem than this incident of damaging the hard drive. That would be the whole issue of his being so involved in porn and keeping video of past relationships. That sounds kind of creepy to me. You don't seem to feel to comfortable with it either.

You're a person who can't stand to be without a relationship. So when one ends, you jump into another real quickly . . . too quickly. It's like you are willing to have any guy who is willing to have you. Maybe you need to get more picky. It might take longer to find the right guy, but it might be worth the hunt.

If he has video of sex with an ex, he may have video of you and him being intimate. He may have filmed you without you even knowing it. Or he may want to do that in the future. Be careful of what this guy may try to talk you into. You describe him as "great." He doesn't sound so great to me, but I am not in your shoes. You are seeing yourself as the "bad guy" in all of this . . . someone who may not be worthy of him. I'm not so sure he is worthy of you.

If I were living with a guy, and he liked to amuse himself by looking at pics and videos of a previous woman in his life, I'ld do worse than you did. I'ld probably set the hard drive on fire. There wouldn't be room in the house for it and me. Either me, or the hard drive, would have to go. I'll bet a lot of women would feel that way. You are so focused on criticizing yourself for not being exactly what he wants you to be that you are not looking what do you want in a man . . . and have a right to expect.

You mentioned in your post that you do not trust this man. I think that is the wisest thing you said. You are worried that you don't deserve him??? I wonder if he deserves you. To be honest, I doubt it.

Good post.

Everyone is allowed to have their secrets. And snooping rarely turns out well. Unless he is some slack jawed loser who spends 12 hours a day watching lusty co-eds with only one hand on the keyboard-then yeah, you would have a right to your indigation. But he's just a regular guy who watches it once in a while. Because ALL men watch porn. A lot of women watch porn. Men, and some women, are very visual when it comes to sex. It's not evil. It's just sex.
As for watching old sex tapes of he and his ex-wife together, that would bother me too. But you never would have seen those tapes if you hadn't been looking into his private stuff.
By destroying his hard drive you are giving him the message that he is not allowed to have any part of his life that is his alone. You are trying to shame him into accepting all of your life views.
Some porno is arousing. Some is just creepy. But isn't it better to let him fantasize than be looking for the real thing in other women? If he gets aroused, aren't you the lucky recipient of that arousal?

As another poster has stated, and you yourself have admitted, you feel the need to always be in a relationship. Maybe taking a break is a good idea. Take the time to decide what you need to do to heal yourself so that your next relationship would be more harmonious.

And gals, if you feel jealous that your man watches it, here's a fun little game you can play. Tell him to dial up his favorite porn site and then tie his hands behind his back. Come back in thirty minutes, turn off the computer and untie his hands. The sex will be outrageous.

Say what you will-I can take it. But having a good sex life can only lead to better mental health. It's been awhile for me, but that's how I remember it. And if you don't want to watch porn-just look at the photos of some of the gorgeous naked guys. I do!

[healingme4me]

All these years later, keeping ex stuff around, well photos are photos, we all have pasts, just the sex tapes, meh, I don't know, why could he not just delete those? Why, also, have a computer filled with it? Isn't porn a dime a dozen? Maybe a couple favs, but wow...

Your trust issues, certainly, to be addressed either together with him or certainly before rushing into anything else, with anyone else.

In anger or not, that was spiteful, for him to say. Gosh, what's his trust issues about, anyways? You're the one that's been cheated on, time and again. Maybe this intensified all those emotions?



Ps....consider it, doing a favor, for his exes, they can sleep better, knowing that's no longer out there, hanging over their heads

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[hannabee]

Ummmm, YOU don't deserve to be with him???? Seems more the other way around to me! He's keeping a more than 5 year old computer with video and pics of ex and other women and YOU can't be trusted??? Just a junk drawer that needs cleaning??? well that's a good one!
Come on now, get a grip, and then get out of this relationship. You deserve better than this man, but before you get into another relationship, first take some time for YOU and figure out why you keep choosing the wrong type of man. Don't mean to sound harsh, I just hope you find your way OUT of this situation and into the great life you so deserve.

[seekinglogic]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I should clarify a few things:

- The hard drive contained information from the past 15-6 years. It was letters he had written. It had pictures of other things. Basically it was a library of various (important to him) things and I didn't like a few of the books. I burned his Library of Alexandria. That makes me feel like a total fool. I am hoping with every fiber of my being that it can be repaired. Perhaps I should have posted this in a techie forum as well.

- He deleted the porn from his hard drive a long time ago. He was only watching it on the internet periodically. I don't think it was a masturbation thing either.

- He wasn't reminiscing on the pictures. In fact, I probably looked at them more than him. Just because I knew they were there, and I apparently like to punish myself. Of course, I don't know what he does when I'm not around (which isn't often lately), but I don't think he was pulling those up to reminisce.

- He has not filmed us ever. Trust me, I've even suggested it. I trust him on that. I trust him on a lot of things. It's just when it comes to sex or infidelity I create this fear monster in my head. Honestly the worst of our problems have probably been from my fear and nothing of substance.

We actually had/have a pretty great relationship despite this struggle. I honestly think most of the problems I created in my head. I would imagine something and then play it out with little to no credible "evidence".

Honestly, he's a great man who is centered and kind. He makes mistakes, and in return I made one that hurt him terribly. It was childish and petty, and hurtful. The guilt I am feeling now is excruciating. I don't know how to pick up from this.

Perhaps I did jump into this relationship too soon. But can't we find ourselves while we are with someone too? Maybe not. I don't know. I feel utterly lost.

[hvert]

If all you did was pour water on a hard drive, it's probably recoverable. Maybe pay to recover the data from it to make amends?

[Rose76]

Maybe what you did was wrong. But . . . why is it unforgivable? Maybe he can't stop being mad immediately. Some things take time to blow over. So give it time.

You seem to have a problem expressing anger to him. So you had to wait, until he was out of the house, to take a fit on an inanimate object. Sounds to me like you are holding yourself up to an impossible standard. You are trying to be perfect, so you can "earn" his perfect fidelity. Some people are faithful in relationships, and some aren't. It may not have much to do with what you deserve, or earn. Ask yourself what it was that you really got angry with. Maybe, despite all your humble protestations about how he deserves for you to be so much better than you are . . . maybe you are mad that you can't feel a sense of control over him. I think there is more to this than meets the eye.

You think he has been doing you an honor by allowing unworthy you to be his girlfriend. If he is such a lofty character and so far above you and beyond what you are worthy of, then you are not going to feel secure . . . ever. You need to stop idealizing him into some kind of a demigod, or move on to find a more lowly guy who is at the level you see yourself at.

You seem to believe that you don't really deserve him. However, if you follow certain rules like:"Don't ever upset him about anything.", then you have a basis on which to expect fidelity. Either the guy digs you or he doesn't. Either he needs what you have to offer, or he doesn't. You don't seem to believe that he does. Instead, he is graciously condescending to do you the favor of being with you. So, of course, you feel insecure, and that makes you mad. So you destroy something important to him. It seems like you are punishing him because he failed to obliterate all your insecurities. Is that even possible?

You're still mad about past infidelities by other men. Those men did what they did because they were not the faithful type. Otherwise, they would have just broken up with you. Wasn't it something like 7 men who were unfaithful. That sounds like you chose men who do not value fidelity, then you get pissed that you can't control that aspect of their character. You can't use "being good" as a control technique. Something is driving your anger. Maybe this guy doesn't need you, as much as you need him. That could make you feel vulnerable and, hence, angry. Deep down, you may feel you are dating out of your league.

If he dumps you over this incident, then he doesn't really need you all that badly. If you can be that easily replaced by him, then you are going to be replaced sooner or later. In a relationship where you are the suppliant, insecurity will always rule your inner life. Were you the one who pushed the idea of living together? Something here isn't adding up.

[StuckinRut]

I think that I'm quite a liberal minded person. But in my personal opinion porn, whilst quite common, can be very unhealthy. I also think that it is quite inappropriate and disrespectful to store videoed footage of sex with past girlfriends. I can't imagine why he would still want to keep such material, even less watch it. You shouldn't be feeling bad in any way for reacting as you did!

Originally Posted by seekinglogic

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I should clarify a few things:

- The hard drive contained information from the past 15-6 years. It was letters he had written. It had pictures of other things. Basically it was a library of various (important to him) things and I didn't like a few of the books. I burned his Library of Alexandria. That makes me feel like a total fool. I am hoping with every fiber of my being that it can be repaired. Perhaps I should have posted this in a techie forum as well.

- He deleted the porn from his hard drive a long time ago. He was only watching it on the internet periodically. I don't think it was a masturbation thing either.

- He wasn't reminiscing on the pictures. In fact, I probably looked at them more than him. Just because I knew they were there, and I apparently like to punish myself. Of course, I don't know what he does when I'm not around (which isn't often lately), but I don't think he was pulling those up to reminisce.

- He has not filmed us ever. Trust me, I've even suggested it. I trust him on that. I trust him on a lot of things. It's just when it comes to sex or infidelity I create this fear monster in my head. Honestly the worst of our problems have probably been from my fear and nothing of substance.

We actually had/have a pretty great relationship despite this struggle. I honestly think most of the problems I created in my head. I would imagine something and then play it out with little to no credible "evidence".

Honestly, he's a great man who is centered and kind. He makes mistakes, and in return I made one that hurt him terribly. It was childish and petty, and hurtful. The guilt I am feeling now is excruciating. I don't know how to pick up from this.

Perhaps I did jump into this relationship too soon. But can't we find ourselves while we are with someone too? Maybe not. I don't know. I feel utterly lost.

After seeing this post there is a greater understanding of the situation. The real issue here is a matter of self worth. I agreed with other posts who emphasized that you seem to think you're unworthy of being with him. That was apparent to me in your first post... I wanted to be completely honest but I was afraid to say that because I know this is a sensitive issue for many people. As to whether the relationship is mendable & worth staying in is up to you and him. Let me emphasize something, though: if he decides to leave [i]do not[/] beg or force him to stay. Romantic relationships, like friendships, are supposed to be voluntary.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by seekinglogic

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I should clarify a few things:

- The hard drive contained information from the past 15-6 years. It was letters he had written. It had pictures of other things. Basically it was a library of various (important to him) things and I didn't like a few of the books. I burned his Library of Alexandria. That makes me feel like a total fool. I am hoping with every fiber of my being that it can be repaired. Perhaps I should have posted this in a techie forum as well.

- He deleted the porn from his hard drive a long time ago. He was only watching it on the internet periodically. I don't think it was a masturbation thing either.

- He wasn't reminiscing on the pictures. In fact, I probably looked at them more than him. Just because I knew they were there, and I apparently like to punish myself. Of course, I don't know what he does when I'm not around (which isn't often lately), but I don't think he was pulling those up to reminisce.

- He has not filmed us ever. Trust me, I've even suggested it. I trust him on that. I trust him on a lot of things. It's just when it comes to sex or infidelity I create this fear monster in my head. Honestly the worst of our problems have probably been from my fear and nothing of substance.

We actually had/have a pretty great relationship despite this struggle. I honestly think most of the problems I created in my head. I would imagine something and then play it out with little to no credible "evidence".

Honestly, he's a great man who is centered and kind. He makes mistakes, and in return I made one that hurt him terribly. It was childish and petty, and hurtful. The guilt I am feeling now is excruciating. I don't know how to pick up from this.

Perhaps I did jump into this relationship too soon. But can't we find ourselves while we are with someone too? Maybe not. I don't know. I feel utterly lost.

Well, if he is a great guy, then you,are a great gal, because couples are typically complementary.
Being in relationships does bring us to different levels of self understanding.
Need to look at current fears/insecurities/self doubts as they relate to past relationships. Is it fear of infidelity? Or, is there something similar, non fidelity related in any way, shape or form, that is reminiscent of past? A way spoken to? Work hours? Lack of consistency? Withdrawing, emotionally? That lead to feelings, of various needs feeling unmet, such as ti be valued, cherished, comradery, companionship, the list travels on...
Trust/Insecurity, those are tossed around words, that truly lack tangibility where self awarenes/acceptance goes. .it involves historical context, plus relationship 'needs', and present behaviors of both parties.

Rose, raises good point about trying to be the good girlfriend. Touches upon something, to ponder.

The best security, I've discovered, is when both reach point, where know, this love is a choice...why fear if he'll leave you? Can you take it or leave it? If a wet harddrive,, is all it takes?



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