how do you keep yourself from becoming codependent?

After a long relationship with my live-in violent boyfriend who died tragically I have enjoyed the 6 years of peace alone with my horse. I have not been lonely. My best friend (a guy) has started telling me I need a boyfriend. I keep telling him what I need is a job. I have had several men come on to me this year. Either I wasn't attracted or I was just plain turned off, like the last guy who bragged about hitting his horse in the head when it acted up. I said that was a pretty dumb thing to do because not only was it mean but it would make the horse distrustful and act worse. When he defended his position I said nothing. I just turned around and walked up the sidewalk, into my house and shut the door leaving him standing in my yard wondering what had happened. Idiot!

So anyway now my best friend is trying to hook me up with a friend of his. I have met him a few times and am comfortable talking to him. The best thing I like about him is he comes with references: if my best friend of 17 years likes him he must be okay. So we have talked about getting together for some intimate fun. I have been pretty slow to warm up to it, not answering the phone because I wasn't sure, etc. But yesterday we spent the afternoon together at my friend's house and I found myself attracted to him. This is scaring me. I was codependent in my last relationship and I don't want to go there again. I am afraid if I dip my toe in the pool I will fall in. How do you keep a relationship healthy?

Good question, Yoda. I wish I knew. I am afraid of being in another relationship because I never again want to feel the way I did when I got dumped after 15 years.

I'm glad you asked this, and I'm looking forward to reading the replies.

there are several really good books available about co-dependency. you could google them. and there are co-dependency groups in some areas that you might attend for awhile.

do you have a therapist? working with a therapist would definitely help you now...before you hit the ground running, so to speak with the new guy......

maintaining a part of ones self is hard if we tend to be the co-dependent type. when i left my marriage, i had nothing left. he got it all. i went into therapy and read several books and did workbooks (and i'm too senile now to even remember ONE of the authors ) and tried to stay aware daily of co-dependency. there is a small daily meditation book that i read every day...it really help. i'll see if i can find it. i think it is by Melodie Beattie??...

maintaining good boundaries is really important and i certainly understand how hard that can be. it's one of my biggest problems.

keep us updated.....xoxoxo pat

I don't know what your definition of codependent is. Everyone needs other people, there's nothing unhealthy about that. Love has a lot of dependency built in, that's why the marriage ceremony has the "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse. . ." clauses :-)

It sounds to me that you have a pretty good idea of when someone is being mean/unhealthy, as you demonstrated by being turned off by the guy hitting his horse. Presumably you're not going to let someone abuse you anymore. I don't think true codependency happens in a strange/magical way; it is not something you "keep yourself from" as it depends on you, your personality, the other person and their personality and actions, in real time. Every relationship between two people is different and has to wait until the relationship, can't be planned "ahead." But would be best if you think exactly what you define codependency as and then think of a few red flags for yourself so you'll know if the relationship is going a way you don't like and a couple ways to block those types of actions?

if you do not to become co-dependent i suggest you stay alone, just have intemacy without emotion. the word or idea of co-dependancy come from some broken-hearted theripest or a theripest that realized that if their clinet had a friend theyed be out of a job

I think that co dependancy is term that if you take everybit of info and all of the symptoms too literally and consume yourself with the everything co dependency entails you will only make yourself upset. I beleive that every person in the world has co dependant characerisitcs. It is just that some have better coping skills than other as they live their lives. If you are feeling like this is something that is a significant stressor for you and it is preventing you from your daily function in life you should consider treatment. There are support groups called CODA that you can become involved in. If not individual therapy would be a good place to express your concerns.

Wow, as a woman, I definetly wouldn't suggest "intimacy without emotion". I've been there done that, thinking not getting involved would be my answer. But just getting "physical" with "friends" ripped me apart, and now I struggle with intimacy issues in my relationship. Like Perna said, there's nothing wrong with needing people. I think most of us like to have friends and relationships. It sounds to me like you know you don't NEED a man, since you've been happy with your horse for years. I took some time to myself with just my cat and it was great! When it was time to get into a relationship again, I was ready. Why not go on a few dates with this guy and see how you feel? Nothing is permanent unless you marry him. =) Sometimes fear is so so hard for us to walk through that we prefer not to do it. But sometimes, walking through the fear leads us to happiness we never thought possible. If I was in your situation, I'd date this guy, but sex would have to wait, no matter how much I might want it. I got back together with my ex boyfriend, but I told him I needed a "dating" period. There was no intimacy for about two and a half months, even though we had been serious before. I needed that period to be sure it was a relationship not based on sex. I'm so glad I made myself wait until I was ready, not did it just because that's what I thought he wanted. Above all, just find out what it is that you want for yourself, and if he fits the mold, great. If not, move on. Continue being the strong woman you've been and the ultra co-dependence won't sink in. =)

~Rayna

I was afraid that because I was taught by my family situation to be a victum and codependant, and later in life a 20 year marraige to a jerk that treated me like crap, that I would never be able to be in a healthy relationship. I knew a large part of my problem was with myself and the way I was hardwired to think. I was terrified to start something with Jim, but I really liked him so much. We've been together for 4 years now and I have never been happier. However, it wasn't without its trials. The first step was admitting that I might create a codependancy/abisive situation because of my hard wiring, but I kept that forefront in my mind and when I fell into old habits, I would stop myself, back up, and react differently. I did a lot of changing my mind with Jim and I just explained what it was and he just rolled with it. Life isn't a series of events where you do the right thing and you get results. If you want to change bad habits, you have to go into it with your eyes wide open, risk making mistakes, having to back up, try again, cry, grind your teeth in frustration, and accept the good that can come your way. I am so glad I chose to step into the arena with Jim because today I no longer wonder if I will be in a codependant/abusive relationship. I know I was smart enough to lick it and the reward was a depth of love I never knew existed. I would encourage you to step into the arena. This time your eyes are wide open.

Do you mean financial codependency? I've always tried to stand on my own two feet first, and then incorporate the boyfriend factor to what I have. I got my own job, my own circle of friends, my own life. I got my own house, my own car...etc.
If you actually mean emotional codependency, well...that is another ballgame. I don't think there is an answer to this. When you fall in love, you fall in love and no matter what you 've learned or what people tell you, you voluntarily remain as blind as a bat.
I can only wish you luck and to hope that this guy is a better one!

I know for me it's been hard, as I have made just about every mistake and I have had to learn as I go!

If you have been in aubsive relationships, as I have, that is something that takes practice. A good book about taking care of yourself and not getting so enmeshed in someone else:

"Codependent No More" -- Melody Beattie

This book has helped change my life. Really. It has helped me detach with love when I need to step back.
Each Day a New Beginning, and ACoA and Al-Anon have some stuff that is helpful, too.

Learn what boundaries are and use them. This book was helpful:

"Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend,

Something that can be tricky that I am still learning! Be willing to leave the relationship if needed and before it reaches crisis level. Another tough thing if you are used to highly abusive relationships.

Keep your friends and have interests of your own. Don't give up what thrills and interests you to "fit" in with a person.

Don't let anyone try to tell you you need someone. I say now I'd rather WANT someone than NEED them. I can be okay on my own, I choose to spend time with her.

I don't know if you have a T but this subject would be a good one to discuss with a T or rabbi or pastor. My T always says, "What advice would you give your best friend? Then give it to yourself."

Learn how best to care for yourself and your needs, so that you aren't looking for a relationship to fix you or take the focus off things you might need to deal with in yourself. And learn to be okay with being alone so that you don't jump into a relationship because you can't handle being alone with yourself. Be able to pay your own way as much as possible. That helps ensure some autonomy, IMHO. That way you don't give someone else so much power over you. Don't give your power away to get or keep someone, you know?

Love someone, but not more than you love yourself.

God bless & I wish you happiness,
RainbowFaerie

I agree, "Boundaries" is a great book. It helps with every relationship you have. Partners, children, friends, everyone. I found the one thing that people who had been married for a long time had in common was...they all said, "I married my best friend". I looked for years for a "boyfriend" or a "husband". You won't find them. Just enjoy meeting "friends" and soon, one of your friends will become a best friend, and then, you'll find, you can't imagine enjoying anyones company more, or there is no one you'd rather share your good news with, than this friend. I believe the deepest love comes when you truely "like" your partner. Think about the relationships that did not work out, usually you can say, I didn't even really like the person, or the things they did or the things stood for, I was just in"lust" with them.

Learn how to say "NO". Very important. It is OK to so "NO". If you let someone talk you into doing something you really don't want to do, you get angry at "them", you're really mad at yourself for not being able to say no. It is much more fair to the other person to say, "sorry, I can't" than to tell them "yes, ok", then be mad at them, because you said yes.

Stand up for yourself, your needs and your rights, but without hurting others, be fair, and be honest and you will be happier.

Another good book is "Happness is a Choice", I've loaned it out, so I don't remember who wrote it. You can not control other people, but you can control how you react to how other people treat you. You can decide to not let other people bring you down. You were right to walk away, no one needs to stay in a situation that makes them feel bad or uncomfortable, and you harmed no one else while at the same time protected yourself.

Wow well said.We just have to remember when we add another brick to the wall in a relationship.We can always tear it back down again.Two steps forward, one step back wards.Practice practice practice, In a healthy relationship there is always room left to do these two things and room to change our minds and room to make mistakes, and room for personal growth.I agree with your response and I am happy for you and I commend you for your courage to take a calculated risk.

Smilie