[KnightGoer22]

Recently I ended a very long friendship (around 8 years) for what I felt were kinda menial reasons at this point. You see the friendship was pretty much long distance (she moved upstate a while ago and I stayed in the city) but it worked for the time period that we had it, we would converse alot and joke about stuff like how friends usually do. But then recently one day she just stopped appearing really, our text messages got less frequent and had less substance along with the fact phone calls were now out of option.

She told me that she was getting busier with school and work so I understood and let her have the space, I became afraid to message her because I always figured it would be at a bad time. And even sometimes when I did my messages would stay there for hours or days without a response. I tried to figure that it was because of how work was going and that everyone was getting busy these days due to the finals days of college approaching.

But then I noticed that she would constantly post facebook updates about all the fun times she's having with other friends and stuff, I will admit that I grew a little jealous of the fact that I couldn't hang out with her like that anymore. I once again tried to ignore it (to the point of taking her off my facebook update lists) because I didn't want to go into an emotional state (I've done this nearly every year before when I would get emotional and threaten to end our friendship but she would talk me out of it) I figured that I could wait and just find something else to pre-occupy my time.

Yet I didn't make it, I eventually did get tired of waiting but I didn't want to let her know (trying not to appear weak or something) so I began to think that maybe it was time to go our separate ways. I tried to tell her this at first and she asked me why I would do this and that the 'cycle' of me doing this was getting very tiring (I thought so too, I REALLY didn't want to do that because I wanted to break it) but eventually we compromised on it and went our separate ways.

I felt terrible for the next two days.....even though all my friends were there to support me. They were telling me I shouldn't feel this way about a friend but when it's someone who was your BEST friend then it's much freakin' harder. I did stop thinking about it after the two weeks but the thought comes back from time to time and nowadays I'm thinking if I should go back to her.....it really disgusts me because it makes me look like I'm weak-willed or something.....also the fact that I kept trying to end the friendship and finally did it then come crawling back after a month? How the hell will that make me look?

I should have told her that I just wanted to take a break for a bit then come back when my head was more clear. I also feel kinda selfish for not waiting a little bit longer maybe, I suppose I thought as a best friend I should have gotten special treatment. Now I feel like I made a grave mistake but fear it's far too late to go back now when she must have already gone on with her life (I have no idea how she took it but I think it may be best to not know)

I don't know if I should even try to go back or continue onward, I try again and keep my mind clear or not...I'm not sure

I definitely know how you feel. My friends post a bunch of things with their new buddies and all these great adventures that I will never get to have with them so it's definitely normal to feel jealous.

I guess where you go from now isn't all that clear but I think the important thing to remember is that true friends, no matter how long they're apart, will hit off when they see each other again. When my friends come back from college on break it's like they never left. But at school they rarely ever contact me and if I contact them I rarely get a reply. It's more of a "I don't see you so I don't think about you" sort of thing.

It really is a tough choice but if you were really close and you regret the decision I would encourage you to send her a message saying something like "I'm really sorry I tried to end our friendship. I was jealous over the fact that you had so many new friends and it felt like you were leaving me behind and that just made me so sad. I am really sorry that I reacted so terribly and hope you can forgive me." and then leave it up to her. The most important part is to be truthful. And then you'll have tried your best to fix the bridge but she has to meet you halfway.

Remember, it is never too late to try.

Best of luck!

[avlady]

Knightgoer22 Welcome!!!!I know how you feel, just like i felt that first year of college 30 years ago!!!I remember getting used to the fact that some and most of my friends moved to different states, not so much as to drop me a line. I made new friends, i guess it might just be fate too, but still longed for my high school clans and friends. I did write to a few of them with not so much as a card or letter in return, Needless to say, i cried my heart out a few times and just let it be after that. Later in life now i have only my husband and son and immediate family to contact, when we moved where i am now, i also lost old neighbors and had to start all over again, and after that a year ago everyone in the neighborhood got divorced, kids in college, and took off to different places also again.I guess it is a vicious circle,sad to say!! I wish you luck and do be truthful and remember when one door closes another one opens!

[KnightGoer22]

Originally Posted by keeprolling

I definitely know how you feel. My friends post a bunch of things with their new buddies and all these great adventures that I will never get to have with them so it's definitely normal to feel jealous.

I guess where you go from now isn't all that clear but I think the important thing to remember is that true friends, no matter how long they're apart, will hit off when they see each other again. When my friends come back from college on break it's like they never left. But at school they rarely ever contact me and if I contact them I rarely get a reply. It's more of a "I don't see you so I don't think about you" sort of thing.

It really is a tough choice but if you were really close and you regret the decision I would encourage you to send her a message saying something like "I'm really sorry I tried to end our friendship. I was jealous over the fact that you had so many new friends and it felt like you were leaving me behind and that just made me so sad. I am really sorry that I reacted so terribly and hope you can forgive me." and then leave it up to her. The most important part is to be truthful. And then you'll have tried your best to fix the bridge but she has to meet you halfway.

Remember, it is never too late to try.

Best of luck!

Thanks for the statements people but I'll reply to this one first.

I have been greatly considering going back after I let things cool down for some time but the main problem is that I'm so scared of being rejected. It's because like I said, I tried to do this several times (I will admit I'm a pretty emotional person, I get hurt easily but always try to hide the true reason why) and I lied to her each time about why I acted like that (I always said it was because I craved conflict when in fact I was getting jealous) now I just feel like if I try to go back....well you're right, the decision will be up to her and if she doesn't take me back then better just continue with my life.

Another problem I face are some of my friends, friends who make it seem like they will look down upon me if I go back to her. It's mostly because I mentioned alot of times before to them about things she did that annoyed me (something I seem to do if I hang out someone alot without break) and they just took it as that she was toxic for me. I just don't want to deal with the backlash from them either even though I harshly cut into one of them about it. I keep thinking that maybe I split off contact with the wrong person.

I think I might wait a little while before I try to contact her, I'm still pretty scared and nervous

Well. As I see it, you kind of already rejected her so really it's what matters more to you, your friendship with the girl or the possibility of rejection and your other friends opinions. Everyone grumps about friends that they spend a long time with. Small things they do slowly become major irritators but that's because we're all different. I'm sure your other friends will understand.

I mean, personally if it were one of my favorite friends I would apologize and try because my friendships mean a lot to me and even if you get rejected it's not like that would change what it is currently. The possibility of rekindling a friendship vs 100% not friends. I would take the chance any day!

I would urge you to make the decision soon because it's obviously stressing you out.

[KnightGoer22]

Originally Posted by keeprolling

Well. As I see it, you kind of already rejected her so really it's what matters more to you, your friendship with the girl or the possibility of rejection and your other friends opinions. Everyone grumps about friends that they spend a long time with. Small things they do slowly become major irritators but that's because we're all different. I'm sure your other friends will understand.

I mean, personally if it were one of my favorite friends I would apologize and try because my friendships mean a lot to me and even if you get rejected it's not like that would change what it is currently. The possibility of rekindling a friendship vs 100% not friends. I would take the chance any day!

I would urge you to make the decision soon because it's obviously stressing you out.

Yeah it is kinda, it pops into my head from time to time constantly questioning myself about it. I have NEVER ended a friendship before but then again she's probably the only friend I've kept around for this long so it felt weird to me.

I want to try and make it work again but as soon as I opened up a messenger and saw her name I just flaked out. I spent a few minutes trying to bring up the urge, "Brave face....brave face.....brave face...." I kept muttering to myself but as soon as the chatbox came up.....I flaked out....

I know the possibility of rejection is here but at this point I don't want to make it seem like I was messing with her emotions really, I didn't want to seem like a guy who manipulates. I don't know how to come back after being gone for weeks when I ended it, I mean how do you bounce back from something like that? What if she's just waiting to see if I'm serious about this or not? I mean I left off a message that made it seem like I didn't care when we ended it, "Bye, it's been some real stuff. I mean goodbye" was the last thing I told to her because I didn't know what the hell else to say.

I really just don't know how to come back from this.....

I understand your confusion. I've had friendships where they drifted apart and that was acceptable. And I've had friendships where it doesn't matter if we live apart and don't see each other for months, we pick right back up.

But it's the friendships where there is a slow death because one of the parties begins to neglect the other that are the most painful - obviously for the neglectee rather than the neglecter.

When she moved, it may have taken her some time to jump into her new life. This probably wasn't a reflection on her relationship with you, but likely a coping mechanism for her handling all the associated emotions with a big move. She's finding friends and it would definitely feel like you are being replaced. But again, I say, it's probably not a reflection of your relationship. Some people have a really difficult time dealing with distance. At first, it was okay because you were both still living off the interesting things that a change in distance does to a relationship. But now that things have settled down, she's falling into a routine and perhaps the comfort you once provided her isn't something she needs to get through the day. That hurts. But it's also a natural progression. Take comfort in the fact that you helped her get to a more independent state in her new home.

The downside of this is that you are on the outside looking in now. And since you've said your goodbye, it might be difficult for her to be open to friendship again. While unintentional, you've taken her on a bit of a roller coaster ride by pushing her away as you tried to protect yourself from rejection.

Last year, I ended a friendship in a similar manner. The conversations became less frequent - always initiated by me. The contact dwindled until eventually I just had to say that I couldn't take it. I told him that I either needed to be in touch with him regularly, or not at all. I poured my heart out to him for a long time; when a person does that, they expect reciprocation or at the very least acknowledgement. When it stopped coming, I had to end it. I'm still not sure if it was the right decision. I wonder every day if he thinks of me. If he cares about what I went through. It's not an easy decision to make, but whatever your choice, you need to stick to it or you will never heal.

My heart goes out to you. Feel free to PM me if you need to vent.

I guess I have a hard time with this because I would always prefer having a weak far-away friendship than to cut ties and burn bridges. Even if it's always me contacting them I would rather have the line of communication open in the end so that way if our paths were to cross again we can connect like old times. Perhaps I let go of people easier hmm. For example, even though I used to hang out with this one girl all the time in high school, I barely hear a peep out of her in college. She is just so busy and doesn't chat unless you start the conversation and even then it doesn't guarantee a response. But just the other day she asked for my address and is planning on sending me a present. So really people can surprise you from time to time because they really do value you even when they are busy.

The only way she'll understand that you aren't trying to manipulate her is to explain yourself well enough. Maybe write a few rough drafts to get started and see if any of them sound right to you. A true friend will understand what you're trying to say. Also try to see it from her point of view. Recently she's been very busy trying to fit in into a new environment and making lots of friends. She probably doesn't think of her friends from home as much and even if she does it's probably in passing. If she was really close to you, she'd probably be upset over why you ended it and either think you're a jerk or respect your wishes and leave it me. In my head, if someone didn't want to be my friend anymore and cut me off that is their decision and I would accept it and move onward since friendship is a two way street. And unless you've done this sort of thing to her before (or even if you did it before, depending on your wording), she probably assumed you were serious and is letting you go.

For me though, the most important part is to not leave that "what if" hanging. I would rather take the chance then wonder about it for the rest of my life. Will you be okay not contacting her and not being her friend later in life? That's something you have to answer.

Best of luck!

[KnightGoer22]

Originally Posted by keeprolling

I guess I have a hard time with this because I would always prefer having a weak far-away friendship than to cut ties and burn bridges. Even if it's always me contacting them I would rather have the line of communication open in the end so that way if our paths were to cross again we can connect like old times. Perhaps I let go of people easier hmm. For example, even though I used to hang out with this one girl all the time in high school, I barely hear a peep out of her in college. She is just so busy and doesn't chat unless you start the conversation and even then it doesn't guarantee a response. But just the other day she asked for my address and is planning on sending me a present. So really people can surprise you from time to time because they really do value you even when they are busy.

The only way she'll understand that you aren't trying to manipulate her is to explain yourself well enough. Maybe write a few rough drafts to get started and see if any of them sound right to you. A true friend will understand what you're trying to say. Also try to see it from her point of view. Recently she's been very busy trying to fit in into a new environment and making lots of friends. She probably doesn't think of her friends from home as much and even if she does it's probably in passing. If she was really close to you, she'd probably be upset over why you ended it and either think you're a jerk or respect your wishes and leave it me. In my head, if someone didn't want to be my friend anymore and cut me off that is their decision and I would accept it and move onward since friendship is a two way street. And unless you've done this sort of thing to her before (or even if you did it before, depending on your wording), she probably assumed you were serious and is letting you go.

For me though, the most important part is to not leave that "what if" hanging. I would rather take the chance then wonder about it for the rest of my life. Will you be okay not contacting her and not being her friend later in life? That's something you have to answer.

Best of luck!

Well in a way I may have done this sort of thing before, as stated before was that sometimes I would get really emotional over stuff and threaten to end it with her a few times before. My friend was telling me that he thinks I faked them in order to rekindle the friendship, at one point I believed it but then another I didn't think so. I think that now I would just have to accept certain things really, try to adjust to the fact that not everything will be the same. I'm mostly the one who needs to change like that I believe.

Or possibly I could just be blaming myself for alot of mistakes that I couldn't have had control. Not sure at this point

[niceguy]

Hi,
It sounds to me like this is far more than just a 'friend'. I am guessing, she clearly cares about you too- but at this point, if the relationship is stuck on repeat, why would she try again? I am in a very similar predicament. It is hard to say goodbye. Maybe she is waiting, desperately, for you to try and mend things. Prove that you are in it for the long haul. That you trruly care. If she has moved away from you and you fear you may never see her again- what is the fear of rejection worth?
Pride may come before a fall, but the reality is- to give up, to not know, is that pain worth enduring, when you know you could have done more?

As for your friends, they are probably tired of hearing about it. Yet, in the end, they would just want you happy. My friends have told me to end the toxic relationship, that i was in, for my own good. (oh and because they were sick of hearing about it). Yet, they knew how much i loved them, so they put up with it. Offered, advice and suggestions in order to help, none of which seemed to- in my particular case.
Yet, if they were to tell me that all of the games we were in, were just their fear of rejection, that you face. It would completely change the ball game- and i would let down my guard as well, once and for all. Just as you would.
Maybe, it is time for you to tell her the truths, you have kept so well hidden. If you really want her back. Prove it to her. No more games, lies or anything like that. Now is crunch time.

Best of luck! Let me know how it goes..

[KnightGoer22]

Wow it's been a while since I've been to this topic.

Well to just give an update is that it's been 2 months now and I've coped pretty well. I tried to contact her on the day of my birthday, left a message and even a friend request but didn't receive a response. I left it there for around a week and still didn't get a response (no denial nor acceptance) so eventually I decided that possibly this is my wake-up call. I shouldn't have to depend on someone for happiness so much, in fact the thing being I feared mostly that even if I went back then what would that change? Be another story or just a huge stitch in the side of trust?

She comes to my mind once or twice but not on the level of last month where I got depressed over the breaking point. I started taking up new hobbies (got into playing harmonica and back into photography) and improving my writing as a way to cope. I realize that I might never get her back, maybe it was meant to happen like this or possibly we'll meet again in the future. Who knows right?

I'm just glad we left off on a good note and we would have memories of the good times we've had. These things just happen I guess, sometimes you can't fight it.

[Nicks_Nose]

Good for you, KnightGoer22! It sounds like you are heading in a very positive direction. I am very pleased to hear that. Big hugs.