[Steve42]

I’m looking for feedback and how to forget a relationship mistake. I just got out of a bad marriage. I met a girl that also just got out of a bad marriage. She had a “sex buddy”, with which she had just started to meet. They would just text each other and meet at a hotel. They never went out on any dates. The day we met, she stopped communicating with her “sex buddy”. We went out four times, and then I was out of the state for about a month. We text and spoke several times every day. While I was out of state, I told her I was going on a quick trip, with a girl, but nothing was going to happen. She told me not to hurt her. I told her I would never hurt her. She didn’t believe me and had sex with the “sex buddy”, the day I left for the quick trip. Soon after I got back from out of state, we became a couple, and two months later moved in together. That is when she told me all the above. I knew nothing at all about the “sex buddy”. When I was upset that she had sex while I was gone; she said it was just insurance, so she wouldn’t get hurt. She said we were not a couple at that time. I had been gone for over a month, and she was not sure I was even going to return. And if we were a couple, I would never have gone on a quick trip with another woman. She showed me their text. She text him hello, he text do you want to meet, she text yes, he text her the room number, she text back be there in 10 minutes. Looking at time stamps, it looked like a business transaction, and she was really in the room less than 30 minutes. Then looking at her facebook checkin, she went and got drunk. She said she wanted to forget me. She said the whole time in the hotel room, she thought about me, and she was angry. She said she was wishing it was me and not him. But I was not there, I was with another woman, and she was extremely hurt. The day I returned from out of state, she text him that it was over and to never contact her again. She deleted any trace of him. She deleted him from facebook, phone contact, and everything. We have shared phones from the day I moved in. I use her phone to send text at times, and she uses mine. It has been almost a year. And I know she has had no contact with him. It happened while we were dating, and we were not an official couple. So why do I think of that one day, the room number, and hotel name, 100 times a day. I really don’t care about the times she was with him before we met. But that one day keeps me from sleeping at night. What do I need to do to get past that day? I do sometimes wish I had had sex during that time. Then maybe I could get past it. It really is just that 30 minutes I can’t stop thinking about. She has told me every detail of it, and answered any question I have asked. We are talking about getting married, and I really need to get that day out of my head forever. Please help

Have you seen a therapist about this? That might be a good place to start. They may be able to help you work through the "holding on" bits. It sounds like you have forgiven her decision and are willing to look past it - this is a positive step. But if you're still ruminating over the act, that's not something she can help you with; you need to do that yourself. Trust me...rumination is not something that goes away easily on its own. Sometimes you need some help with it.

[unaluna]

Why did you tell her you were going on a quick trip with a girl while you were out of state? What was the purpose of that trip? Why wasnt she able to believe you that it was innocent? It seems like that was supposed to be a test for her, and she failed it. Personally, i hate those kinds of tests - i always fail them because they are kinda phony. I think if you can get to the truth and honesty of your trip and her reaction to it, then maybe you can resolve this.

Kind of a gray area here to be honest. Although you were not yet a couple you were potentially one, and she was very quick to head off to have casual sex with her "friend". I wish I had better advice for you but you have every reason to be concerned. Thing is her first impulse was to "fill the need" rather than be patient and wait to see what would come of you and her. She doesn't sound like she's a very commitment related person at all and I honestly worry whether she's the type (at this point anyway) to be marrying. What happens if you have to be apart again? What assurances do you have that she wouldn't do that under other circumstances? You don't at this point and if you consider a long term or permanent relationship with her I would wait for her to show you her level of commitment.

Give yourself a break a little here, it's normal to have the doubts and insecurities based on what you've been through. I wouldn't make a quick decision to get into anything long term with her yet. But that's just me.

[Middlemarcher]

I'm not sure the whole incident really says anything about whether she's the "marrying type." If a guy I had just started dating told me that he was going to go on a quick trip with a girl but nothing was going to happen, there's no way I'd believe him. I'd assume that the budding relationship was over.

I do think that individual therapy for yourself would be a good idea. And as you have both come out of bad marriages, I wonder if you'd consider doing pre-marital counseling together before you make any decisions. That might shine some light on issues that you didn't realize existed.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by Steve42

I’m looking for feedback and how to forget a relationship mistake. I just got out of a bad marriage. I met a girl that also just got out of a bad marriage. She had a “sex buddy”, with which she had just started to meet. They would just text each other and meet at a hotel. They never went out on any dates. The day we met, she stopped communicating with her “sex buddy”. We went out four times, and then I was out of the state for about a month. We text and spoke several times every day. While I was out of state, I told her I was going on a quick trip, with a girl, but nothing was going to happen. She told me not to hurt her. I told her I would never hurt her. She didn’t believe me and had sex with the “sex buddy”, the day I left for the quick trip. Soon after I got back from out of state, we became a couple, and two months later moved in together. That is when she told me all the above. I knew nothing at all about the “sex buddy”. When I was upset that she had sex while I was gone; she said it was just insurance, so she wouldn’t get hurt. She said we were not a couple at that time. I had been gone for over a month, and she was not sure I was even going to return. And if we were a couple, I would never have gone on a quick trip with another woman. She showed me their text. She text him hello, he text do you want to meet, she text yes, he text her the room number, she text back be there in 10 minutes. Looking at time stamps, it looked like a business transaction, and she was really in the room less than 30 minutes. Then looking at her facebook checkin, she went and got drunk. She said she wanted to forget me. She said the whole time in the hotel room, she thought about me, and she was angry. She said she was wishing it was me and not him. But I was not there, I was with another woman, and she was extremely hurt. The day I returned from out of state, she text him that it was over and to never contact her again. She deleted any trace of him. She deleted him from facebook, phone contact, and everything. We have shared phones from the day I moved in. I use her phone to send text at times, and she uses mine. It has been almost a year. And I know she has had no contact with him. It happened while we were dating, and we were not an official couple. So why do I think of that one day, the room number, and hotel name, 100 times a day. I really don’t care about the times she was with him before we met. But that one day keeps me from sleeping at night. What do I need to do to get past that day? I do sometimes wish I had had sex during that time. Then maybe I could get past it. It really is just that 30 minutes I can’t stop thinking about. She has told me every detail of it, and answered any question I have asked. We are talking about getting married, and I really need to get that day out of my head forever. Please help

far as i can tell she has been completely honest and open with you, i would let it go. especially since she deleted everything and you guys share phones.
it sounds like she really likes you and has been hurt badly before and may have trust issues, also at the time you guys were not officially a couple. anytime anyone male or female has been hurt badly in a previous relationship, the guard walls are going to be up to take precautions not to get hurt again.
sometimes being honest kinda hurts like in your case but you did the right thing by telling her the truth and not hiding anything from her, that shows you care about her. from a guy standpoint, yes it's perfectly natural to be feeling the way you are ( we have this thing called an ego & it tends to get us in trouble!) "she did it, d*mn, i knew i should've..." but she did the right thing by telling you the truth too, keep in mind women are generally more clever than we are when it comes to disguising infidelity. she told you everything( she could have hid it from you!), it happened and there is nothing either of you can do to undo it. let it go, holding on to it is unhealthy for you guys relationship, good luck

[kawaiigurl1981]

Your girl sounds just like me. When I love someone I get lost in them but then I get scared of what will happen to me if I lose their affection. I will be a non entity I will only barely exist. To protect myself from this I hedge my bets by keeping other male company within easy reach. I have been in my current relationship for nearly two years and to this day if I feel insecure I will go on a dating site and chat up some random guy it has only recently I even understood why I was doing this.

So first off I would try to find out if she is aware where the behavior is rooted because until you have that awareness you just find yourself doing these things and cannot verbalize the reason why. I feel like bringing the issues into consciousness awareness is the first step in modifying the behavior. As for your feelings I would urge you not judge her too harshly this is likely a pattern of behavior she had had most of her life. I think if you are committed to helping her feel safe and helping her process and talk about her feelings of insecurity this behavior may never be repeated.

Originally Posted by Middlemarcher

If a guy I had just started dating told me that he was going to go on a quick trip with a girl but nothing was going to happen, there's no way I'd believe him.

Then you shouldn't be with that person, in the first place. If you question someone so easily about their motives like that, that's your own trust issue. Males and females are indeed capable of being friends without any romance or sex involved and, although she doesn't mention it, it sounds like a trip that was for a purpose. Why are people so quick to assume that there is something more to it?

And don't get me wrong, I'm not naive. I've been through 2 marriages and been cheated on myself both times. So I know it does happen and there are many that do this. But to not believe someone from the get go, for me says more about me than their integrity.

[kawaiigurl1981]

"But to not believe someone from the get go, for me says more about me than their integrity."

I would think that their level of trust and past experience is more in question than their personal integrity. Once you have been hurt so many times you come to expect it. I am not necessarily speaking on a conscious level I mean that we have all built up odd reactions and defense mechanisms as a result of our past experiences. To live a happy and productive life I believe that it is vital that we identify and work around these issues.

[Middlemarcher]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Then you shouldn't be with that person, in the first place. If you question someone so easily about their motives like that, that's your own trust issue. Males and females are indeed capable of being friends without any romance or sex involved and, although she doesn't mention it, it sounds like a trip that was for a purpose. Why are people so quick to assume that there is something more to it?

And don't get me wrong, I'm not naive. I've been through 2 marriages and been cheated on myself both times. So I know it does happen and there are many that do this. But to not believe someone from the get go, for me says more about me than their integrity.

If I had been on four dates with someone and talked with that person long distance for a month, I don't know that I'd consider myself "with that person" in the first place. This may be a cultural difference; I live in a large metropolitan area where dating multiple people at once until things get quite serious with one of them is very common. Perhaps even the norm. (Though I should note that I don't participate in this culture of sorts myself. I'm more of a settle-down type than a dating type.)

I'm well aware that cross-gender platonic friendships are possible. I have them myself, and so have my significant others. I have never been cheated on, nor have I cheated on anyone, and I have always trusted my partners in this regard. But yes, if I had such a brief acquaintance with a new dating partner, we had not fully committed to a relationship, and he told me he was going on a trip with another woman, I would assume that something was up. To me, going for coffee or dinner with someone is one thing, but going on a trip is another.

Originally Posted by Middlemarcher

To me, going for coffee or dinner with someone is one thing, but going on a trip is another.

Without knowing the purposes of the trip i would not personally jump to that conclusion. Going to coffee or dinner would be more questionable to me, because a one one one "date" like that is more likely to be for romantic and intimate reasons. What I'm trying ot say is there is no explanation as to what the trip was for, and so I assume it was for a reason other than romance. Fact is it was the poster that stated he went on a trip with a woman. I'm assuming that it was a friendly or business trip since he would not put that out there as he did if it was anything other than that.

The point is, that he went on the trip, she questioned it, and you're giving her justification for it but it's false justification because the fact that the actual person that went on the trip said it was not as a couple or a date, proves your assumption would be wrong. That kind of invalidates your argument.

Originally Posted by kawaiigurl1981

"But to not believe someone from the get go, for me says more about me than their integrity."

I would think that their level of trust and past experience is more in question than their personal integrity. Once you have been hurt so many times you come to expect it. I am not necessarily speaking on a conscious level I mean that we have all built up odd reactions and defense mechanisms as a result of our past experiences. To live a happy and productive life I believe that it is vital that we identify and work around these issues.

Of course we hve reactions to things based on experience and depending on who we are. I'm not saying that she had NO reason to question but that she was pretty abrupt in choosing to go off with another person, and even if it wasn't cheating since they were not a couple, it says a lot about how impulsive she is. Does he want to get into a relationship with someone that is so impulsive? Also she sounds like she used sex with this "friend" to sooth her pain, that's also not a good sign. What if their relationship is rocky for a bit, will she also use sex as a pain killer?

[Steve42]

The month away was finishing the separation with my wife, packing stuff up etc… And the trip was with her, to my favorite place in the world. Which ended up being a daily fight, and my only relief was talking to my new relationship every day. My new relationship cried, and did tell me she didn’t trust me several times during this trip. She said she thought I was playing her. That I was never really coming back. I told her I thought she was being silly. My wife and I had not had sex in two years. She said the no sex was because I was not romantic enough. No birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries. My new relationship knew all this. I was very open. Looking at facebook the morning after the event, my new relationship put my favorite photo of herself on her facebook profile. She also sent me lots of new photos where she looked great, not nude, during the trip. She described the sex in detail, at my request. And following their texts and facebook checkins I know everything. I checked out his facebook, and he looks just like me. Same eye color, same build, same everything, people would think we were brothers. So I run it through my mind over and over. I just want it to stop. I want to believe that I am stupid for having this problem. I am a very tough person. This type of problem is very new to me. I normally just rub some dirt on it and walk off. But I love her, and I know she loves me. So I have to get past this problem. I know I’m wrong, and this is almost all my fault. I know I can’t fix it. I think that is a huge part of the problem. Just writing this has helped a lot. I feel a lot better right now.

Originally Posted by Steve42

The month away was finishing the separation with my wife, packing stuff up etc… And the trip was with her, to my favorite place in the world. Which ended up being a daily fight, and my only relief was talking to my new relationship every day. My new relationship cried, and did tell me she didn’t trust me several times during this trip. She said she thought I was playing her. That I was never really coming back. I told her I thought she was being silly. My wife and I had not had sex in two years. She said the no sex was because I was not romantic enough. No birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries. My new relationship knew all this. I was very open. Looking at facebook the morning after the event, my new relationship put my favorite photo of herself on her facebook profile. She also sent me lots of new photos where she looked great, not nude, during the trip. She described the sex in detail, at my request. And following their texts and facebook checkins I know everything. I checked out his facebook, and he looks just like me. Same eye color, same build, same everything, people would think we were brothers. So I run it through my mind over and over. I just want it to stop. I want to believe that I am stupid for having this problem. I am a very tough person. This type of problem is very new to me. I normally just rub some dirt on it and walk off. But I love her, and I know she loves me. So I have to get past this problem. I know I’m wrong, and this is almost all my fault. I know I can’t fix it. I think that is a huge part of the problem. Just writing this has helped a lot. I feel a lot better right now.

Well thank you for elaborating on this. That helps a lot. One thing I would say about your response to her is that i would never ever say someone, is being "silly" or that their feelings, fears... etc are silly. Just a thought, but try to understand her fears may not be based on reality but most of the times they aren't. minimizing those fears will only serve to belittle and shame her for having them at all. Be acommodating, understanding and accepting that her fears are going to crop up and insecurities are natural. Don't go out of your way to always reassure her fears overtly but be consistent and transparent, always, in time she will grow to believe and trust you based on your actions.

[Steve42]

The main reason for the separation from my wife was she went through my phone texts and facebook account all the time. I am very open, and had nothing to hide. So she saw a text I sent my friend that I thought she was cheating. She got pissed saying that I was spreading rumors. And she confessed that she had had many affairs, but never (she put hands in the air doing quotes) “fu*ked” any of them. Leading up to this was the fact my wife got calls from men all the time and would go to the bathroom, turning on the shower, to talk to them in private. Once she went to show me something on her phone and there was a sent text to someone with her only wearing a bra, which she closed quickly. Then several “girls only” trips with rumors she partied with guys and left the girls alone. So I’m sure that plays a big part in this.

[unaluna]

This was such an interesting story, i hope you dont mind, i shared it with my t this morning. Unfortunately he slways agrees with me so its kinda hard to figure what he really thinks. But he almost came out of his chair when he heard about your little side trip. Like you were setting her up for a no-win situation. Imo, you feel guilty and cant sleep because of something you yourself did, not over what somebody else did. Some therapy might help - do you push peoples buttons to push them away from you? Eta - this is something i noticed in myself recently.

Originally Posted by Steve42

The main reason for the separation from my wife was she went through my phone texts and facebook account all the time. I am very open, and had nothing to hide. So she saw a text I sent my friend that I thought she was cheating. She got pissed saying that I was spreading rumors. And she confessed that she had had many affairs, but never (she put hands in the air doing quotes) “fu*ked” any of them. Leading up to this was the fact my wife got calls from men all the time and would go to the bathroom, turning on the shower, to talk to them in private. Once she went to show me something on her phone and there was a sent text to someone with her only wearing a bra, which she closed quickly. Then several “girls only” trips with rumors she partied with guys and left the girls alone. So I’m sure that plays a big part in this.

Of course it does and I can relate completely. I've seen all of those behaviors and even the statement to you. My ex had many many guy friends she swore were just "friends" and she never "cheated" yet after we separated I found on my laptop that she used a few times, a picture of her baring her breast and it wsn't for me, because I'd never seen it. I know how this can affect you man.

Just don't let it stop you and try to be open with the idea that not all women are like that and hopefully this one isn't, separate your fear based on experience and try to keep it in check when you get suspicious of your current gf It's hard, it takes work but you can.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by Steve42

The month away was finishing the separation with my wife, packing stuff up etc… And the trip was with her, to my favorite place in the world. Which ended up being a daily fight, and my only relief was talking to my new relationship every day. My new relationship cried, and did tell me she didn’t trust me several times during this trip. She said she thought I was playing her. That I was never really coming back. I told her I thought she was being silly. My wife and I had not had sex in two years. She said the no sex was because I was not romantic enough. No birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries. My new relationship knew all this. I was very open. Looking at facebook the morning after the event, my new relationship put my favorite photo of herself on her facebook profile. She also sent me lots of new photos where she looked great, not nude, during the trip. She described the sex in detail, at my request. And following their texts and facebook checkins I know everything. I checked out his facebook, and he looks just like me. Same eye color, same build, same everything, people would think we were brothers. So I run it through my mind over and over. I just want it to stop. I want to believe that I am stupid for having this problem. I am a very tough person. This type of problem is very new to me. I normally just rub some dirt on it and walk off. But I love her, and I know she loves me. So I have to get past this problem. I know I’m wrong, and this is almost all my fault. I know I can’t fix it. I think that is a huge part of the problem. Just writing this has helped a lot. I feel a lot better right now.

well.........i can understand finishing up the separation, that's a necessary formality.BUT....the trip to your favorite place in the world with the ex wife.
not a good idea! i can understand where you're coming from as this would be the last time you ever see a woman you loved enough to marry, but it kinda almost comes across as a last ditch attempt to save your marriage. i'm not saying it is cause i'm not an expert & i don't know all the details, but IMHO you probably should be going to that favorite place of yours with the new girl, not the old one ( just a thought) now i"m by no means a relationship expert, i have blown up my share of them with my BPD, so i would take what i say with a grain of salt, but if i were the new girl & been hurt before....Hmmm, i probably would have done the same thing to protect myself. but HEY, you guys were not an official couple at that time, i just think that may have been a lapse in judgement on your part, but i think you guys will be ok as long as you are HONEST and TRANSPARENT! hee hee, good luck steve42 i wish you guys well that's just my 3 cents

[Steve42]

hankster, I never push anyone away. Its really hard to make people leave me alone. lol

[Steve42]

I just want to stop thinking about them having sex on that day. Picturing it in my mind all the time drives me crazy. It could be that fact that I caused it, like has been said above. I really feel better after reading the replies. Thank you

[seeker1950]

Originally Posted by Steve42

I just want to stop thinking about them having sex on that day. Picturing it in my mind drives me crazy. It could be that fact that I caused it, like has been said above.

...because, there is not such thing as "casual" sex, or a "sex buddy." Sex is the most intimate thing in which two people can engage. That your girlfriend chose to do this as revenge or insurance against getting hurt says a lot about her emotional immaturity. That you chose to go on a trip to your favorite of all places with another female (your ex?) and tell the girlfriend about it says volumes about you as well. IMHO, neither of you is mature relationship material. Sorry.

[kawaiigurl1981]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Of course we hve reactions to things based on experience and depending on who we are. I'm not saying that she had NO reason to question but that she was pretty abrupt in choosing to go off with another person, and even if it wasn't cheating since they were not a couple, it says a lot about how impulsive she is. Does he want to get into a relationship with someone that is so impulsive? Also she sounds like she used sex with this "friend" to sooth her pain, that's also not a good sign. What if their relationship is rocky for a bit, will she also use sex as a pain killer?

So you are asking if based on this past behavior in an admittedly ambiguous relationship if she would cheat on her husband once they were married if they went through a rough patch ? It sounds like you are making QUITE A FEW leaps here.

Originally Posted by Steve42

I just want to stop thinking about them having sex on that day. Picturing it in my mind all the time drives me crazy. It could be that fact that I caused it, like has been said above. I really feel better after reading the replies. Thank you

I maintain that therapy would be a great starting point for you then. People can do a lot on their own - sort things out, deal with things, even forget things when necessary. But this sounds like you are going to need some help to get past it. It's not like you can "get rid of" the person that reminds you of the event - she's the woman you want to spend time with!

I'm happy to hear that you've been feeling better getting this out and reading responses. Sometimes that's all you need. But if you do need more, there are definitely options.

All the best...